02x09 - November 18, 1990

[bunniefuu]

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me It's a'ight to be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ And how would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact beat ♪

- ♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ Everybody here
is equally kind ♪

♪ Everybody here
is equally kind ♪

♪ Everybody, everybody
everybody, everybody ♪

- ♪ Everybody here is equally kind ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ What's mine is yours
and what's yours is mine ♪

♪ In living c-c-c-olor♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do
in living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me, it's a'ight to be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do
in living color♪♪

[Audience Applauding,
Cheering]

[In Unison] Ladies and gentlemen,
Keenen Ivory Wayans.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Welcome to another show. You know,
some people have criticized me...

for not having any "Fly Guys"
on the show.

Some people have gone
as far as to say...

I might be a little,
uh, threatened by the idea.

Come on. That's not true at all.
Tonight I'm gonna prove it.

We're gonna have a very special "Fly Guy"
performing with the Fly Girls tonight.

He's a great dancer...
young, good looking.

So after tonight,
I don't wanna hear a word.

So let's give it up. Joining the Fly Girls,
my man, CarlJamel Taylor.

[Audience Applauding,
Whooping]

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me, it's a'ight to be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪♪

Lassie! Oh, Lassie!

[Dog Barking, Growling]

[Barking, Growling]

But Mr. Tompkins, you simply have to fix
some of the things around the apartment.

I feel it's not safe
for my son Timmy.

[Mr. Tompkins] I'll teach you to go on
a rent strike. I'm not fixing anything.

If you aren't out of there by sundown, I'm
gonna send someone over there to help you...

and your little dog too.

- Uh-oh.
- [Shrieks]

Oh, darn. Now we're trapped
and have no way to call for help.

Yes, we do. Lassie!
Oh, Lassie!

[Panting] Now, Lassie,
I want you to run and get help.

Go, girl! Go!

Meanwhile, Timmy,
let's comfort ourselves with a song.

- ♪♪ [Singing Campfire Song]
- ♪♪ [TimmyJoins In]

Oh, a crowbar.! That will help.!

- Good girl, Lassie.
- [Grunts]

Now, Lassie, this time I want you to get
a variable-speed Makita band saw...

with a carbide-tipped blade
and sawdust bag.

Hurry!

- ♪♪ [Singing Resumes]
- [Lassie Barking, Growling]

[Barking, Growling
Continue]

Good girl.

And did you bring
the special A.C. Adapter?

Good girl, Lassie.

[Saw Whirring]

[Barking, Growling]

I think Lassie's
trying to tell us something.

- What is it, girl? Do you sense danger?
- [Continues Barking]

She's barking in Morse code.
Only, we don't know Morse code.

[Both Sighing]

- [Timmy] What are you tryin'to tell us, girl?
- Something to do with "arm"?

Uh, your arm's too short
to box with God?

Armani?
Giorgio Armani?

Armistice! Lassie's trying to warn us
that the arms reduction treaty...

proposed at SALT II would be
disadvantageous to NATO.

- [Knocking]
- [Man's Gruff Voice]
Hey, we know you're in there.!

- Open the door.!
Tompkins sent us to collect the rent.!
- [Lassie Growls]

Sure enough,
there are those evil henchmen now.

- Good girl, Lassie.
- [Knocking Continues]

[Man] If you don't open this door,
we'll tear it down.

- Oh!
- Timmy, what are we gonna do?

[Low, Gruff Voice] If you lay a finger
on this door, I'll chew off your arm...

and shove it
down your throat.

- [Man] Uh, come on, guys. Let's get out ofhere.
- [Footsteps Departing]

Heavens to Betsy, Lassie!
You can talk!

I want you to forget
you ever heard that.

Aw, Lassie...

you're the best darn dog
in the whole world!

[Barking, Growling]

- [Spectators Chanting] Rocky!
- Rocky, I know this is your big comeback...

and I know I came back from the dead to
train you, but this fight is pure insanity!

No way, brother.
You just wanna humil... humil...

Easy, Rocky.
Not too many syllables.

I got light-headed there. Listen, I still
got the eye of the tiger. You know that.

Look, Rocky, you got the eye of a tiger
and the I.Q. Of a lima bean.

You're not gonna be fighting a man
tonight. You'll be fightin' an animal.

Animals don't scare me.

- Yeah? Well, this one will.
- [Growling]

- [Spectators Chanting]
Rocky! Rocky! Rocky! Rocky!
- [Bell Ringing]

All right, fans.
Here we go. In the red corner...

- the challenger: Rocky Balboa!
- [Spectators Cheering]

And in the blue corner,
the undisputed champion of the world.

Let's give it up
for GraceJones!

[Spectators Cheering Wildly]

- [Bell Rings]
- [Announcer] Rocky Vl: The Ultimate Challenge.

[Wild Cheering Continues]

- Hello, Rocky. Do you find me sexy?
- [Grunts]

I said,
do you find me sexy?

[Growls]

To tell you the truth, Grace,
you're startin' to scare me a little.

[Growls, Grunts]
Harder! Faster! Harder! Faster!

Harder! Faster!
[Shrieking Laughter]

Enough of the foreplay, Rocky.
Is it gonna be your place or mine?

Aw, come on, Grace.
I got a wife and kid.

Then I guess
it's gonna be mine, Rocky.

- [Spectators Booing]
- ♪♪ [Grace Singing]

- Adrian!
- ♪♪ [Continues Singing]

- Adrian!
- [Spectators Chanting]
Rocky.! Rocky.! Rocky.! Rocky.!

Rocky.! Rocky.! Rocky.!
Rocky.! Rocky.! Rocky.!

♪♪ [Dance]

[Man] For those sensitive times of the month
when emotions run close to the surface...

Honey, look what I got.

- Ohh.
- Just because I love you.

[Gasps] There's only nine.
Where are the other three, cheapskate?

God, you always
take the easy way out!

And another thing: I hate the way you
chew your food with your mouth all over it...

like some sort
of bizarre barnyard animal!

Just stay away from me!

I can't seem to do anything right.
Boy, could I use some help.

[Man]
For those special times of the month...

you need the P.M.S. Defense System.

Highly trained female counselors will talk you
through even the most irrational P.M.S. Argument.

For only $ a year, you'll receive
this transmitter that fits snugly in your ear...

and keeps you in touch
with P.M.S. Central hours a day.

Help. My wife has P.M.S.,
and I don't know what to do.

Don't worry.
I'm right here with you.

God. You're so insensitive.!

- Why can't you be taller?
- Hey, give me a...

[Woman On Transmitter]
Stop. Stop right there. Simply apologize.

[Sobbing]

I'm sorry, honey. You're right.

I'll try to grow tomorrow.

Tell her you love her.

I love you.

- [Exhaling Softly]
- See. It's that... It's that breathing thing.

In and out and in and out! God!
You drive me crazy! [Screeching, Muttering]

- [Alarm Blaring]
- [Woman] She's already at Irrational Level Seven.

This is a Code Red. Don't say a word.
Just get her some pain reliever.

Don't you see? This place
is dust-ridden, and if I don't dust...

then you'rejust gonna
suck all the air out of the room.!

- The bottle is empty!
- Get out of the house! I repeat:
Get out of the house!

I can't!
I'm trapped in a bathroom!

- Is there a window?
- Yeah, but it's five floors up.

- Go for it!
- [Wife Continues Screaming, Sobbing]

The P.M.S. Defense System: Because no one
should go through these times alone.

[Knocking]

Hey! Are you tryin'
to avoid me or what?

♪♪ [Disco]

- ♪♪ [' s Pop]
- [Announcer] And now...

Public Access Television Channel
presents: Men on Vacation.

- Hello. I'm Blayne Edwards.
- And I'm Antoine Merrywether.

[In Unison]
And welcome to Men on Vacation.

Today we'll be reviewing
our little European vacation.

From a male point of view.

Here we are on our last stop
on our whirlwind gallivant through Europa.

Wait a minute.
We got a new sponsor.

Somebody better
check their mail.

Tonight's broadcast
is brought to you byJewels...

the gum that explodes
in your mouth.

I bet you just can't chew one.

And who'd want to?

We started
our little trip in Greece.

The Greek "peoples" was so nice.

Yes. They bent over backwards
to show us a good time.

Oh, look. Excuse me.

Not you, fish.
You go back in the sea.

Garçon.

Oh, may I
have another Wallbanger?

- And for monsieur?
- Oui, oui.

- Bottoms up.
- Ditto.

Is that little Ricky Schroder?
What's he doin' here? Don't let him see me.

- Who's that with him?
- You know, I think that's Erik Estrada.

Oh, well. Anyway.
Next we went to Holland, land of dikes.

[In Unison]
Hated it!

And from there,
it was on to merry old England.

- Remember Big Ben?
- Oh, how could I forget it?

It was so nice of him
to show us around the city.

Excuse me.
Big Ben was a clock.

Well, we both know
what time that was.

You'd better stop.

You know, it's so chilly out here,
my nipples are hard.

Then it was just a hop,
skip and jump on to gay Paris...

but we decided to go back
to Greece instead.

And then it was on
to Scotland.

You know, I found it
to be quite an open society...

where "mens" are free
to explore the feminine side of their nature.

All those hairy legs and skirts
holdin' them bagpipes.

Mm-hmm. Not since the Fire Island
Halloween Barn Dance...

have I seen so many men in drag.

Just a hint, fellas:
Plaid is out this fall.

Our next stop was Sweden, best known
for its beautiful, buxom blondes.

[In Unison]
Hated it!

So we went back to Greece.

But it was very sad when we had
to leave our soldier buddies behind...

and travel to our final destination:
The French Riviera...

which is where
we've been ever since.

Oh, yes. And to sum up our little
European vacation, we're gonna have...

to give the whole trip a new and improved
around-the-world-and-back snap.

Tell a friend.

Tune in next week, when we'll be back
in the good old U.S. Of A...

reviewing the new release,
Memphis Belle.

It's the story of young "mens"
in leather jackets...

all sweaty, standin'
next to each other...

and them long, hard bombs
crammed together in a little old cockpit.

Well, grease my landing gear,
I'm coming in for a landing.

- Toodle-oo!
- See you next week! Bye!

♪♪ [' s Pop]

[Audience Cheering,
Applauding]

All right. Thank you very much
for hanging out with us tonight.

Taking us home: Third Bass.

[Man Talking, Indistinct] Come on, man. Get
out of my way, man. Let me see everybody, man.

- Oh, it's like that?
- Yeah, it's like that. Keenen,
this is from the group...

and our boys Shirt Kings
in Jamaica.

- Congratulations.
- Bust that.

Rippin' that up
forJimmy gettin' the job done.

Too black, too strong for TV,
you know what I'm sayin'?

We wanna set this off
the right way. Hey, yo, Richie Rich!

[Indistinct]
That's the way we gonna run this.

♪♪ [Rapping]

♪♪ [Continues]

Come on, y'all.! Come on, y'all.!
Put those hands in the air.!

♪♪ [Continues Rapping]

♪♪ [Ends]