02x01 - September 23, 1990

[bunniefuu]

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me it's a'ight to be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ And how would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact beat ♪

- ♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ Everybody here
is equally kind ♪

♪ Everybody here
is equally kind ♪

♪ Everybody, everybody
everybody, everybody ♪

- ♪ Everybody here is equally kind ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ What's mine is yours
and what's yours is mine ♪

♪ In living c-c-c-olor♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do
in living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ You see, it's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

- ♪ Take it from me it's a'ight to be ♪
- ♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do
in living color♪♪

- [Audience Applauding]
- Ladies and gentlemen, Keenen Ivory Wayans.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

How are you doing? I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans.
Welcome to In Living Color.

- [Cheering, Applauding]
- Yeah.

It's good to have you all
here for our season opener.

Before I get started, I'd like to bring out
the rest of my family.

Uh, my brother, Damon, my sister, Kim.
Come on out.

Yeah, we, uh, we just
wanted to thank everybody...

for helping to make
this show a success.

And just to kind
of let you know...

That we haven't
changed one bit.

We're still the same wonderful
people on the inside.

We really are. I mean, success
has not spoiled us one single bit.

The same kids from the projects that we've
always been, and we want America to know that.

- Yeah.
- Hey, SW .

I haven't changed either, Keenen.

- Let's get started.
- Shall we?

♪ You can do what you wanna do
in living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪♪

Hey, mon.

[Announcer] It's time again
for another episode of Hey Mon...

with the hardest working
West Indian family, the Headleys.

How did my husband's
surgery go, Doctor?

Well, the lazy husband is fine now.

How long will he be off his feet?

Off his feet? That's what
got him here in the first place.

He had a hemorrhoid the size
of a coconut on his behind.

Well, what do you prescribe?

- I prescribe job.
- Ten jobs?

That's right, job a day
keep a doctor away.

You don't have time
to be sick with job.

- What kind of a doctor are you?
- I'm glad you asked.

I'm a proctologist, a dermatologist,
a gynecologist, a cardiologist...

a brain surgeon, an eye surgeon,
a nose, ear, throat man...

and I also help
run the flower shop.

- You can't be serious.
- Oh, no, I'm very serious.

- Where are you going now, woman?
- I'm gonna find a good attorney.

Well then, you're gonna be wanting to talk
to my hard-working wife Hilda then.

- That's right, mon.
- Are you a lawyer?

Yeah, mon. I'm a malpractice lawyer,
a corporate lawyer, a court-appointed lawyer...

a labor lawyer,
a litigator, prosecutor...

a process server, barrister, court stenographer,
bailiff, I'm Jacoby and Meyers...

and I have to run
the flower shop.

Oh!

Go on, get out of here,
you lazy oatmeal wart!

What happened? Here comes Matilda,
our lazy son Byron's new wife.

Godfrey, Hilda, you better jump to it.
This woman here is about to have a baby!

- What's the matter with her?
- She in labor!

In labor? I don't see her working.
What are you talking about, labor?

- How many jobs do you got?
- Uh, uh, one.

One job! One job
and you call that labor?

Get up and help out
with other patients.

- Up with you.
- Up you go, fatty pie.
Come on, fatty pie. Step up.

But she's going to
have a baby now!

Listen to your daughter-in-law.
I'm going to tell you something, girl.

The day I gave birth to your lazy husband,
Byron, my son...

I was working six jobs now, mon.

I was a wedding photographer, meter maid,
shoe salesman, swimming instructor...

sushi chef and taking a bar exam
all while delivering his lazy fetus.

- Get up now. You're fine.
- I think I better lie down.

Lying down? That's what got you here
in the first place, you lazy rabbit k*ller.

- Get to work. Get to work!
- Oh, my water broke!

Well, don't just stand there now, mon.
Get a mop and clean it up now.

You can wash the floor
while you're at it now. Take that.

- Get the corners.
- That's right.

[Siren Blaring]

Well, well, well. If it ain't my lazy,
rude boy, Byron. Where you been, boy?

I've been parking cars at a restaurant,
delivering orchids to the hospital...

dropping off the laundry,
delivering meat patties...

giving tours to the stars' homes,
taking my driver's test...

and I had to pick up this sickly
Yankee man all the way across town...

while filling out an application
for the flower shop!

- What's the matter with him?
- Kidney transplant. Hurry, please.

Hilda, look in that refrigerator,
see if we got any more kidneys left.

Sorry, mon, we're fresh out. You know,
we done transplants already today, now.

Oh. Well, Byron, you're gonna have to
get on the table, give me one of yours.

Pop, you know I don't have a kidney
big enough for this Yankee man.

Well, we'll use both of them.
Get up on the damn table, boy.

- Pop, I'm not gonna get...
- [Groans]

- I think it's too late.
- What you sayin' now?

- He dead!
- He dead?

- Somebody call a priest.
- Priest!

Father Headley here.
What's his name?

- Schwartz.
- Not to worry.

Shabatt, Shalom, Mazel tov.

Okay, Byron,
you go start on the grave.

Hilda, you get a measurement
for the coffin.

- Matilda, you go buy embalming
fluids and a tombstone.
- And where you going, mon?

Well, when a man is dead. There got to be
another job opening somewhere.

[All] Hey mon, got to go to work!

[Narrator]Join us again
for Hey Mon with the Headleys.

[Announcer] He was a by-the-book cop
teamed up with an out-on-a-limb rebel.

- You're gonna get us k*lled!
- [Tires Screeching, Horns Honking]

- Relax. I've done this before.
- [Yelling]

- I told you not to worry.
- They don't pay me enough for this job.

Side-by-side,
they took on Los Angeles.

- Thanks, man.
- Yeah.

They worked together...

and they played together.

Until one day,
the wrong guy got shot.

That's okay, man. I'll take the b*llet.
Now, come on, run. Get out of here.

Oh, my God. No!

He's finally on his own.

He's DetectiveJohn Sidekick.

He doesn't break the rules,
no matter how trivial.

Make that m*rder one
and jaywalking, pal.

He's too straightforward
to infiltrate the mob.

Give me a diet soda.

So, who knows anything about that big
cocaine shipment coming in here tonight?

He wouldn't recognize a clue
if it dropped in his lap.

Psst. Sidekick. The snow's
coming in tonight...

in the old schoolyard.

Snow? In Los Angeles?

Yeah, right, pal.
Take a hike!

And stay away
from the hooch!

And he's definitely
not interested in sex.

I don't know anything
about the cocaine...

but I've got a room upstairs
if you're interested.

Don't you know that I'm a black man
in a crossover film?

Sorry, sister, but you're
barking up the wrong tree.

Up yours.

Finally, a cop with a healthy respect
for the letter of the law.

Sidekick! Coming this fall
to a theater near you.

♪♪ [Dance]

♪♪ [Woman Singing, Indistinct]

[Announcer] Some kids only imagine
having a man to spend time with them.

Each year hundreds of thousands
ofboys are left without fathers...

which leaves thousands of mothers
with a gap impossible to fill.

Hey, kid. How would you like to learn
to throw a real major league curve ball?

Wow. That'd be great.
Hey, Mom! A big brother's here!

Then you could take me
to the circus and to the zoo.

And you could come to school
with me for parents'night.

And when all those kids try to beat me up
and stuff, I can say, "Hey, you better watch out...

'cause I have a big brother,
and he really cares about me and not..."

Go buy yourself something, kid.

Hundreds ofkids and their mothers
are waiting, and their need is real.

So if you've got the right stuff to make
a big difference, call Bigger Brothers now.

♪♪ [Organ]

Ohh! Oh, Lord have mercy.

- My dear sisters and brethren,
- ♪♪ [Organ Stops]

We are gathered here to bid farewell
to a great blues singer.

- Amen.
- Mississippi "Fat Back" Witherspoon.

Fat Back!

Now, he-he wanted this
to be a joyous occasion.

He didn't want us carrying on.

So I present his friend,
Mr. Calhoun Tubbs.

Thank you very much.
Thank you, Reverend.

Look here.
No disrespect to the family...

but, uh, Calhoun's Greatest Hits is
available on eight-track cassette in the lobby.

$ . . Of course, you get
a complimentary copy, son.

You know, Fat Back wanted this
to be a joyous occasion...

so I thought I might sing a few songs,
tell some funny stories about my good friend.

Now, you all know Fat Back
loved him some catfish.

- Amen.
- I say, Fat Back loved him some catfish.

- Amen.
- The only thing he loved more
than some of that channel cat...

was that little baby girl child.

Lord, that girl could cook.!

You know, she done cooked some
catfish for him the day he died.

Wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it go.

♪ Fat Back choked on a catfish ♪

♪ That stupid girl
fed him the bone ♪♪

[Sobbing]

Thank you very much.
All right.

Now, you know, all his life,
Fat Back only loved one woman.

You know, he once said to me that she was
the only thing that made his life worthwhile.

Wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it go.

♪ Fat Back had another girl
in Louisiana ♪

♪ His wife ain't never know ♪♪

[Sobbing]

Thank you very much.

Now, don't get me wrong now.
Fat Back wasn't no skirt chaser.

No, no, no. He did what he did
on account of his son.

He loved that boy.
Wrote a song about it.

Like to hear it?
Here it go.

♪ Fat Back's wife wasn't
nothin' but a skank tramp ♪

♪ She had a bastard child ♪♪

[Sobbing]

Thank you very much.
Thank you. Thank you.

You know, that was the first standing
ovation I ever got in my long career.

You know, I'd like to thank y'all
for letting me take time...

to share these few loving memories
about my good old buddy Fat Back.

You know, he was always thinking
about his wife and family.

But he lived just for today. That's kind of like
what made him so special.

Wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it go.

♪ Fat Back ain't had
no life insurance ♪

♪ You're about to lose
the house and car ♪♪

Now that's the second
standing ovation I ever got.

Thank you very much.
See you next time.

♪♪ [Dance]

♪♪ [Disco]

[Announcer] Cable access,
Channel , presents Men On Film.

[Applause]

- Hello, I'm Blayne Edwards.
- And I'm Antoine Merrywether.

[Together]
And welcome to Men On Films.

- The show that looks at movies...
- From a male point of view.

Tonight's show is sponsored by...

Nuts & Honey.

- What did you say?
- Nuttin', honey.

I bet you can't eat just one.

I bet I could.

You're so crazy.

[Giggling]

Tonight we'll be wrapping up
the summer films.

First up is the box-office smash
Total Recall.

Yes, this is the movie where
muscle-bound Arnold Schwarzenegger...

goes in search of his past.

Just a hint, Arnold,
try looking in the closet.

[Snickers]

Next we have Betsy's Wedding.

[Together] Hated it.

Then there's Ghost.

You know, Patrick Swayze was
the real standout in this film.

You know, I'd breathe life
into his spirit any day.

Even if I did have to go
through Whoopi Goldberg.

- Perish the thought.
- Yes, indeed.

Now we come to d*ck Tracy.

You know, I love the title,
but the movie just left me limp.

I know what you're saying.
This is... This is what I don't get.

All the characters fit their names.
You know, Flattop had a flattop.

Pruneface looked
just like a little prune.

But I never got a chance to see...
[Mouthing Words]

I know I wanted to.

What's wrong with you?

It's hot in here.

Oh. Then there's Pretty Woman.

[Together] Hated it.

- This one should have been called
A Fish Called Julia.
- Oooh.

Next, Eddie Murphy was back
in Another Hours.

You know, I'm sorry, this movie
just got off on the wrong track.

I feel that they should have spent
more time where the real story is.

- Mm-hmm.
- In the prisons.

I'd like to see more about them old sweaty
mens all together in them tiny little cells...

with no one to turn to
but each others.

Ooh, drop the soap.
I'll get it.

Hush.

- Really?
- You know I can wait.

Then we come to Spike Lee's
Mo'Better Blues.

I'm sorry, I didn't care for it.
It just didn't put no toot in my horn.

I'm sorry,
but I liked this one.

I mean, little Spike Lee
outdone himself this time.

He really stretched out
in a dual role...

as both the lead character's
manager and love interest.

Oh, he was okay as the manager...

but, ooh, he just thrilled me
to death in those gripping love scenes...

with big old handsome
Denzel Washington.

What courage it must have taken for little
Spike Lee to take off them glasses...

and let that little hair
get knotty and say...

"Hey, this is me.
Here I am. See me, love me."

Hello! Put the car in park.

The love interest was played
by Spike Lee's little sister.

Well, touch me in the morning
and then just walk away.

I don't know. I think you should go
see this again, then you tell me who's who.

- Yeah, well, you can go without me.
- 'Toine.

Don't get mad.

- 'Toine.
- Okay.

Finally, we have Die Harder.
What a way to go!

Ninety minutes
with Mr. Bruce Willis.

Oh, yes. Don't tempt my tummy
with the taste of Nuts & Honey.

Crazy.

You know, the only thing I didn't
understand was all the v*olence in the film...

'cause the title
suggested a love story.

Mm-hmm.
I second that emotion.

I think this one still deserves
the new and improved...

[Together]
Two snaps, a twist and a kiss.

Stop. Can't touch this.

Well, that's our show.

Next week, we'll be looking at
Air America, starring Mel Gibson...

and little Robert DowneyJrs.

- Pilot to copilot, we're going down in flames.
- [Giggles]

[Together] Bye, now.

♪♪ [Disco]

All right.

Thank you very much.
Thanks for joining us.

We got a special guest
in the house.

I want him to come hang out with us
and say good night. Come on, Flavor-Flavor.

[Cheering, Applause]

We're going... We're gonna go out of here
a little differently tonight.

We got a special musical...
musical guest with us.

So, please, let's go home
with Queen Latifah.

♪♪ [Rap]

Yo. We gonna pump this up
for my Moms.

Flavor-Flav and In Living Color.
House posse. Check it out.

♪♪ [Rapping]

Oh, yeah, I like that.

♪♪ [Rapping]

Come on, everybody,
let me hear you scream!

- [Audience Screams]
- Scream!

- [Screaming Louder]
- Yo.!

I wanna thank y'all
for tunin' in tonight.

So when I say good-bye, I want everybody
to say "Peace! Peace!"

Y'all ready for this?
'Cause here it comes. Come on.

- Good-bye!
- Peace.! Peace.!

- Good-bye!
- Peace.! Peace.!

- Good-bye.
- Peace! Peace!

- Good-bye.
- Peace! Peace!

Ease up till you
get in the house.

SW on the wheels of steel.

In Living Color
house posse in effect.

Flavor-Flavor in the house.
Come on.

Go, Flavor.! Go, Flavor.!
Go, Flavor.!

Go, Flavor.! Go, Flavor.!
Go, Flavor.!

Go, Flavor.! Go, Flavor.!
Go, Flavor.!

Yeah.!