01x11 - Episode 11

[bunniefuu]

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ It's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

♪ Take it from me
It's a'ight to be ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact beat ♪

♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ Everybody here is equally kind ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ What's mine is yours
and what's yours is mine ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
everybody was your friend ♪

♪ From thin to thick
and through thick and thin ♪

♪ And egotistical trips
was put to an end ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ It's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

♪ Take it from me
It's a'ight to be ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact beat ♪

♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪♪

Ladies and gentlemen, the star of Night Court
and her own television show...

Miss Marsha Warfield.

Hi. I'm Marsha Warfield.

You know, Keenan asked me to come
host the show for him tonight...

and the first thing I'm gonna do is change
the way they do things around here.

I'm a get rid of these little tired
tramps. Oh, they gone already. Good.

'Cause all five of them together
don't even add up to one of my cheeks.

But I do wanna keep
Mr. Deejay. Mm-hmm.

- Come on down here, Mr. Deejay.
- [Wolf Whistle]

Oh, yes, you.

Come on down here, doll.
We don't have all day.

That's... That's S.W. One.

Come here.
Unbutton that shirt.

Mm-hmm.

- Oh, let me give you a little help. Come here.
- I got it.

You got it? Mm.
Isn't he something?

Let me see you shake your thing.

Yeah, I'm a get five more like him
and put him on my show.

We'll be right back.
Come on, darlin'.

[Man] From Hollywood,
it's the most nonthreatening
black men on television...

The Brothers Brothers.

- Whoo!
- Whoo!

Hit it, Tom.

♪ My brothers a brother
and so am I ♪

♪ Or so it appears to
the casual eye ♪

♪ The networks want blacks but
they don't want them real ♪

♪ So Oreos like us
get a hell of a deal ♪

♪ So it's hi-dee-ho
to prime time we go ♪

♪ With a "Hey, you jive turkey"
and a "What do you say, bro" ♪

♪ Our scripts and our acting
are whiter than snow ♪

♪ We're brothers who are brothers
and we have our own show ♪

- Hey, Tom.
- Yes, Tom?

Uh, wait. How can
we both be named Tom?

- Easy. We're named after our uncle.
- [Rim Shot]

- Oh, boy. Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

- Spike.
- Spike who?

Hope it's not Spike Lee,
that little troublemaker.

[Together]
What's his problem?

♪ So it's hi-dee-ho
as I pick out my 'fro ♪

♪ We all play the same parts
whatever the show ♪

♪ The guys are all pimps
and each chick is a ho ♪

♪ If we just sell out
we'll be rolling in dough ♪

- Say, Tom.
- Yes, Tom?

- Did you know Mother was
coming to live with us?
- There goes the neighborhood.

♪ Bill Cosby's a doctor
with a lawyer for a wife ♪

♪ As black folks all know
it's the average life ♪

♪ A six-bedroom house
and a really cute pup ♪

♪ His kids don't do dr*gs
and they don't get knocked up♪

- Uh, Tom.
- Yes, Tom?

- What's black and white all over?
- [Chuckles] Us.

- Whoo-hoo!
- [Rim Shot]

♪ With a hi-dee-ho
and "What's happenin', dude" ♪

♪ To show you our real self
would only be rude ♪

♪ It's a whole different world
till our ratings get low ♪

♪ We're brothers who are brothers
and we have our own show ♪

♪ We're brothers who are brothers
and we have our own show ♪♪

[Together]
Good-bye.

[Man] The Brothers Brothers
Comedy Hour is brought to you
by White Out.

If you can't see it,
you can pretend it doesn't exist.

♪ Can't touch this ♪

♪ Can't touch this ♪

♪ Can't touch this ♪

♪ My, my, my
My pants so baggy ♪

♪ When I move, it ain't hard
make you wanna say, Oh, my Lord ♪

♪ Hey, Hammer, do you
really have a weenie ♪

♪ With pants like that
you look like a genie ♪

♪ They give me
a real nice breeze ♪

♪ Like a big, red hammock on
the coconut trees
They're cool now ♪

♪ Are you gettin'my drift
I'm dry where it counts
It's a super fresh lift ♪

♪ I'm jumpin' and groovin' and such
and this is the dance you can't touch ♪

♪ Break it down ♪

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Uh-oh, uh-oh.

Watch out, baby.
Hey, get me out.

I can't see nothin'. Whoa.!

Help.! Whoa.! Help me.
Get me out of this thing.

[Yells]

Stop. Hammer time.

♪ Every time you see me
the Hammer's on a roll ♪

♪ Even with my head
stickin' out the zipper hole ♪

♪ The ladies think I'm hype
they copy everything I do ♪

♪ It's Hammer, yo, Hammer
MC Hammer, go Hammer
until there's something new ♪

♪ Can't touch this ♪

♪ Yeah, boy
Can't touch this ♪♪

- I just love these old horror movies,
don't you?
- Yeah.

- I must have at least seen this one times.
- Which one you like better?

[Man] We at Cine-Globe Theatres know
that nothing is more annoying...

than having to listen to a movie
while people in the theater are talking.

- [Arguing]
- That's why we turn down
the volume on our movies...

so that you can
really hear yourselves talking.

- [Man # ] Don't go in there.!
- Don't open that door, stupid!

Whoo! Don't take off
that hood now.

He's going to turn into the fly,
right now. Watch. Watch.

He's a fly! I told ya
not to take off that hood.

- [Chattering]
- [Indistinct]

- [Louder Chattering]
- I want him! He's so fine!

Would the people who are speaking
please be quiet?

- I'm trying to watch the film.
- Who is this guy?

Come on. You're up,
and you're outta here.

- [Jeering]
- He took my armrest.

[Man] Cine-Globe Theatre.
Admission may be reduced
if no movie is showing.

♪♪ [Blues]

Thank you very much.
All right.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
My name is Calhoun Tubbs.

Known to my friends as
Hard Fingers.

See, that's 'cause back in ...

I once played the guitar for over
hours straight... for no reason at all.

That's right. I wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it go.

♪ I played guitar for hours
for no reason at all ♪

♪♪ [Vocalizing]

Thank you very much!

You know, I'd like to welcome y'all
to my th anniversary show.

That's right. Seventy-five years
in the business of the blues.

Still trying to make it. I wrote a song
about it. Like to hear it? Here it goes.

♪ Seventy-five years
in show business ♪

♪ And I'm still trying to make it ♪

♪♪ [Vocalizing]

Thank you very much!
All right.

Now you know, I done known
all the greats.

Muddy Waters, Howlin' Wolf,
John Lee Hooker.

But I ain't never played
with none of'em. No.

But I used to see 'em walking down the
street. I'd say, "How you doin', Wolf?"

Ain't never waved back.
I even knew Stepin Fetchit.

Boy, that boy talked just like
a white boy... when he wasn't working.

But, you know, I believe he was
kind of like a genius that way.

I wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it goes.

♪ Stepin Fetchit was a genius
Talk just like a white boy ♪

♪♪ [Vocalizing]

Thank you very much!

But, you know, I'm gonna
let y'all in on a secret.

See, you got to have you a gimmick
to make it in the business of music.

I done had me several gimmicks
in and throughout my illustrious career.

They first used to call me
"Peg Leg" Calhoun.

But that didn't work out too good 'cause
my feet swole up something awful...

sittin' on my kneecaps all day.

That's when I switched to "Blind Boy"
Calhoun. That worked like a charm, man.

But these damn hoodlums
stole all the pennies out my cup.

I ain't writin' no song about that.
But I think I could right now.

Like to hear it? Here it goes.

♪ They used to call me Blind Boy Calhoun,
but they stole all my pennies ♪

♪♪ [Vocalizing]

Thank you very much!

I know what y'all are saying.
You saying...

"This old man, he don't never
finish his songs."

Now, see, that's kinda like
my new gimmick.

Now, so far, I done wrote
over , new songs...

and ain't none of'em
longer than seconds.

But, you know, the music business
keep passing me by, man.

Yes, sir. But I gotta look
on the bright side.

I figure I've been a success
at being a failure for over years.

Now that's saying something, ain't it?
Wrote a song about it.
Like to hear it? Here it goes.

♪ I've been a success at being a failure
for over years ♪

♪♪ [Vocalizing]

Thank you very much!

Hello again. This is
film vault king Ted Turner...

doing whatever I please
with more classic films.

This is the original print
of The Grapes of Wrath.

Gonna put it in those little View-Masters
and try to market them...

with pictures of
the California Raisins on 'em.

Now, I understand a lot of you people
have an innate respect...

for the artist's original vision.

But I have something you don't have:
A receipt of purchase.

[Blows Raspberry]

Now here's another film I've worked
the old colorizing magic on.

Might like it. Might not.

Either way,
I'll sleep like a baby.

Tune in next time for my new colorized
classic, The African Queen...

starring Little Richard.

Seems like a natural, doesn't it?

I'm still Ted Turner.
Jane, I'll be right over...

as soon as I floss my teeth.

♪♪ [Rap]

[Man Speaking]

♪♪ [Rapping]

[Man]
The plaintiff, Hacbad Macbar...

manager of an all-night
convenience store...

claims he lost business
and suffered undue anguish.

He is seeking damages
in the amount of $ .

The defendant... where is he?

Don't push me.
I'll see you in court.

[Man] The defendant, Anton Jackson,
is countersuing...

for loss of income
and emotional distress.

The amount he's seeking
is... $ ?

All rise, the Honorable
Judge Wapner presiding.

- Court is in session.
- [Loudly Clears Throat]

Excuse me, Your Majesty.
[Blows Nose]

As you can see, I do not
have any representation.

I tried calling Jacoby and Myers...

but they wanted a retainer.

And I wasn't about to give up
my jockstrap to nobody.

So, I'd like to act as my own
"executioner" on this here case.

Mr. Jackson, I assure you you'll
have plenty of opportunity...

to defend yourself
when the time comes.

But, for now, you'll have to assume
the proper position.

Ah, man. Again? Damn.

Look, I assure you, the choke hold
won't be necessary.

- Mr. Jackson.
- What?

I mean go back to your proper place
in the courtroom.

If you need an interpreter,
I'll get one for you.

- Okay.
- Now, let's start with the plaintiff...

- Mr. Maca... Mac...
- Macbar.

- Mr. "Coc-Mac."
- Macbar!

- State your case.
- Well, Your Honor, okay.

Last Wednesday, I noticed
we were running low on beer.

I go back to my freezer...
one of the finest freezers
in Southern California, may I...

Objection, Your Honor.
That's pure conjecture.

Sustained.

I'm just as surprised as you.

- Let's continue Mr..."Knapsack."
- Macbar!

- Whatever.
- Anyway, I go into the freezer
to get some beer.

I see this man sitting on the
ice machine... changing his underwear.

Several other customers saw this too.
They start running out of the store...

and I lose much money.

Your Honor...
[Clears Throat]

I'd like to explain myself to you.

I was merely trying to find
some privacy, you understand?

I was changing for
my second show.

See, that's what I do.
I'm a street performer.

As a matter of fact, I was once
held over at Carnegie Hall.

For how long?
Until the police arrived?

[Laughing]

That was a good one, Your Honor.
"Till the police arrived?"

- [Laughing]
- Mr. Jackson.

I'm gonna put that
in my act. That's pretty good.

- May I approach the bench, Your Honor?
- I guess so.

- You see, I wouldn't...
- Whoa!

Oh, 'scuse me, Your Honor.
I just had some leftover Chinese food.

Mr. Jackson, one more outburst like that,
and I'll clear this courtroom.

One more outburst like that,
and I'm sure the courtroom will clear.

You were making a point?

Oh, yeah. That's right. My point.
Exactly, exactly.

- I got something way up...
You ever get one that...
- Try this.

- Yeah, that worked. That's good.
- You keep it.

Where was I?
Oh, yeah. My case.

Okay. Now I need to, furthermore,
get my evidence together.

- Put everything out.
- He seems to have come prepared.

Here it is.

Allow me to introduce exhibit "A."

- What the hell is that?
- These are my underwear.

And these are
the same drawers I had on...

at the night in question.

The night when Mr...
[Makes Hawking Sound] over there...

That's right.

Mr. Lungies kicked me in my ass.

- You're out of order!
- That's what I'm trying...

You're out of order, Mr. Jackson!

I'm out of order? You're out of order.
Mr. "Mac-haks" out of order.

The whole damn
court system's out of order.!

Oh, that was a scene from
And Justice For All.

You know, I went up for that part,
but they blackballed me.

- You wanna see?
- Look, here's $ , okay?

Here's bucks, get out of
my courtroom. Don't ever come back.

- Well, thank you, Your Honor.
- This court is adjourned.

I need that.

Here comes the defendant now.
Uh, Mr. Jackson?

- What?
- Mr. Jackson, uh, how do you
feel about the ruling on...

Oh, God! What is that smell?

- [Mumbling]
- Nah, this interview is over.

Join me next week
on Poor People's Court...

Can I sing a song?

♪♪ [Singing]

- Yeah!
- All right, thank you.

I wanna thank
our special guests...

Where y'all at?
Come on out here.

Our guest dancers, The Soul Brothers.
Thanks for dropping in.

See y'all next week.
Get outta here.

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪