01x07 - Episode 7

[bunniefuu]

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ It's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

♪ Take it from me
It's a'ight to be ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact beat ♪

♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ Everybody here
is equally kind ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ What's mine is yours
and what's yours is mine ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
everybody was your friend ♪

♪ From thin to thick
and through thick and thin ♪

♪ And egotistical trips
was put to an end ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ It's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

♪ Take it from me
It's a'ight to be ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact beat ♪

♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪♪

Ladies and gentlemen,
Keenen Ivory Wayans.

[Cheering, Applause]

There you go.

All right.
Welcome to In Living Color.

Thanks for joining us here tonight.
We got a fun show lined up.

As usual, I'd like to introduce the
crew, starting with my DJ, SW One.

[Cheering, Screaming]

And my ladies... Starting over here
with Cari, Michelle, Deidre...

Lisa and Carrie Ann.

So with no more delay,
SW One, do the right thing.

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ It's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪♪

[Announcer] The Foundation
for Black History Awareness...

is pleased to sponsor
Great American Profiles.

Tonight:
King, The Early Years.

Even in his earliest school days...

young King seemed
destined to become a leader.

- Hey, hey, hey. That's mine.
- So?

Wait a minute.
Why'd you do that, boy?

'Cause I wanted to,
doodie brain.

You better shut up.

Brothers, brothers, brothers.

That's no way to settle things.

There's nothing
to be gained by fighting...

unless you get paid for it.

[Woman] Don. Don King,
are you causing trouble again?

No, Miss Patterson.

[Announcer] And so,
a young entrepreneur began...

what was to become his life's work...

armed only with this one thought...

"I think I can
make a buck doing this. "

That's right,
ladies and gentlemen.

Today at noon there's
gonna be the biggest...

most prodigious fight
in all the school history.

It's gonna be punch time
at lunchtime.

It's gonna be the throw-down
in the playground!

It's going to be
the rumble by the jungle gym!

Give me money!

Give me money! More money!

[Announcer] This same philosophy
led King to become a great innovator.

Well, I don't have any money.

Well, I'm sorry,
your yo-yo is not good enough.

You're gonna have to
watch on pay-per-view.

What's that?

You have to look through
the hole in the fence.

Okay! Let the fighting begin!

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

- L-I don't wanna be fightin' him no more.
- Okay, I don't either.

[Announcer] King also
became a great motivator.

Okay, hit my hand. Harder.

That's from him!

And the winner!

- [Wailing]
- Stick with me, Leon Spinks.

You'll go all the way.

Gerry Cooney,
stick to fighting white guys.

[Wailing]

Hey, hey, hey, miss lady girl.
May I w-walk you home?

- Uh-uh.
- Why not? I just "wonned" the fight.

But he gots all the money.

And a vocabulary.

I got a little present
for you, young Miss Givens.

Oh, thank you.

[Announcer]
A man of vision. A man of integrity.

A man with a decent haircut.

He was none of these things.
But he gots all the money.

Only in America.
Only in America.

[Announcer]
This has been Great American Profiles.

Now wait a minute, y'all.
This ain't a show just for anybody.

We got some funky fresh
meat loaf happenin'.

All you sexy fly chefs,
come on, let's cook.

♪ Ah, cook it ♪

♪ Ah, cook it ♪

- ♪ Get up on this ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby, baby ♪

♪ B-B-B-Baby ♪

- ♪ Get up on this ♪
- ♪ Oh, baby, baby ♪

♪ B-B-B-Baby ♪

♪ Salt 'N' Pepa's here
and we're in effect ♪

♪ Want you to listen good ♪

♪ We been dancin' all day but at night
we're working up a sweat ♪

♪ Yo, yo, yo, baby Pepa, yeah, you,
pass me some sauce and greens ♪

♪ Whatever, add some bread crumbs
or we can't make this feast ♪

♪ Now why don't you squeeze those eggs
really hard, I wish you would ♪

- ♪ Now squish it ♪
- ♪ Squish it ♪

♪ Squish, squish it real good ♪

- ♪ We aim to please ♪
- ♪ You know that that is our intention ♪

♪ But we would be remiss
if we neglected to mention ♪

♪ That the regular pan
we have gently bent ♪

♪ Into the shape of the mother continent
So heat it ♪

- ♪ Heat it ♪
- ♪ Heat it ♪

- ♪ Heat it good ♪
- ♪ Yeah, heat it ♪

♪ Heat it real good ♪

♪ We hope you have enjoyed
our simple recipe ♪

♪ Tune in again next time
and you will surely see ♪

♪ A chocolate cake that's
in the shape of Kool Moe Dee ♪

♪ Peace, y'all ♪♪

Hey, mon, me home!

[Announcer] And now it's time
for another episode of Hey Mon.

With the hardest-working
West Indian family, the Headley's.

Hey, mon.

Hey, now, mon.
How many times I got to tell you...

not to put your uniforms
on my good sofa?

Don't yell at me, woman.
I drop me uniform wherever I want.

I work job. I don't have time
for your foolishness when I come home.

I'm tired, damn it.

Listen, you think you're
the only one work hard?

I got nine job myself, you know.

Plus is I have to do all the cookin'
and cleanin' and washin' around here...

not to mention the welding.

Well, combined that's
only job, lazy woman.

What you think it is a job?

Hey, mon.

Speaking of lazy, here's
the laziest idiot ever who lived.

Young Billy Vanilli Rasta boy.

Aren't you supposed to be
workin' at the hotel now?

No, because I just
got fired from there.

- What happened?
- Why you got fired?

I no carry no Yankee man's bag.

Plus, me have four
perfectly good jobs left.

Four job? Let me tell you
something, young Rasta boy.

When I was your age,
I was a maintenance man...

a carpenter, a cab driver, a cook...

a hospital orderly,
a security guard, a tour guide...

a fish cleaner and an Amway
distributor all in the same day.

I didn't even have time
to almost make you, boy.

But, Pop,
me in ten bands now.

Me don't have even
a little bit of time for myself now.

Ten band and four job.

That's things.

That's not as bad
as I thought, boy.

Come here, you chip off the old
banana boat. Me proud of you, boy.

You hear that,
you lazy neighbors?

My boy got job.

- Hey, mon.
- Hey, mon.

Well, well, well, if it ain't
table napkin turned table cloth.

What you doin' home right now?

Daddy, leave me alone.
I have a date with my new boyfriend.

Really now?
Tell us about this new fella.

Well, him name is Danny.
Him American. Him very funny.

And I think I love he!

And what else?
What do Daddy want to hear?

Well, him very successful,
you know.

Him make over $ , a year.

- Mama gonna be rich.
- One hundred thousand dollars?

How many job he got
to make $ , ?

Only one. He's a doctor.

One job! One job!

- The girl dating a boy with one job.
- I hear it.

That's all you ever talk about...
work, work, work. What about love?

Look at the two of you. You're tired
and you're bugged out all the time.

Why don't you go
and take a vacation?

Ah, me on vacation
now from job.

But Papa, how can I think
about workin' when I am in love?

It's just like when you and
Mama just met, remember?

I never love your mother.

I marry your mother
because she had six job.

What happen to that nice Korean boy
you was datin'? He had a hundred job.

Him dead now.
Him drop dead in a job interview.

Well, that means job openings.

A hundred job openings? Someone
get my newspaper. Don't stand there.

Oh, I don't why I tell you
stupid people anything.

- I'm in love and that's
the most important thing.
- [All Shouting, Indistinct]

[Woman] Hey, you Headley,
shut up in there.! This ain'tJersey.

[Man]
Yeah, shut the hell up in there.!

Hey, mon! Don't nobody tell Godfreid
Headley be quiet in me own house!

If I didn't have to go to work,
if I had the time...

I'd come whip your ass
right now!

Oh, no!
My God, look at the time!

[All Together] Oh! Hey, mon!
Time to go to work!

[Announcer]Join us again soon
for Hey Mon with the Headleys.

You can't tell
if they're happy or mad.

They'rejust working.

[Alarm Clocks Ringing]

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

♪♪ [Rapping]

Frankly, Scarlett, l...

Oh.

Hello, I'm Ted Turner.

And welcome to Ted Turner's
Colorized Classics.

Now, the colorization of these films...

may not agree
with some people's artistic...

[Spits]
Sensibilities.

But they're mine, and I can do
anything I want with them.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

Hell, I just found a way
to add even more color...

as you'll see
in tonight's film, Casablanca.

Of all the jive joints in the world,
she had to bring her big butt into mine.

I really loved her, you know.

And why not? She's the only woman
I ever met that looked as good as me.

Here's looking at you,
my darling.

Yo, Stevie, play it again.

♪♪ [Singing]

♪♪ [Singing]

That's all the time
we have tonight.

Join us next time for Citizen Kane,
starring Jimmy Walker.

I think you'll agree.
It's dy-no-mite.

I'm lucky enough to be
Ted Turner. Good night.

So look here, man. The Mercedes
has to be back by midnight.

- So, what we gonna do?
- I don't know, man.

I passed out
all the fake business cards.

We'll see what happens, man.
See what happens.

- But, yo, man, I ain't taking the friend.
- That's the way it's gotta be.

You know I'm the one who
always makes the first move.

- So you get stuck with the leftovers.
- Not this time, man.

- Why not?
- Yo, that girl's ugly, man.

- That's the best kind.
- What?

I said the ugly one's the best kind,
man. They don't ask for much.

All you need is teeth and hair.
That's all they want.

That's right. And if they leave you,
you ain't depressed.

You ain't thinkin' nothin'
about 'em, you know? Right.

Pretty girls, see, they want
all your money. That's right.

Just like them boys say:
Never trust a big butt when it smile.

That's right. That's the day
you poisoned. ♪♪ [Humming]

What do you know
about women, man?

sh**t, I been married seven times, son.
Let me tell you.

That's right,
all of them ugly. That's right.

One of them was so ugly I took her
down to the Wax Museum of Horror.

The man said, " Please don't let her move
until we do inventory."

[Chuckling]
Hey, old man...

you know a nice place around here
where we can get something to eat?

Your daddy's old.
You better watch it now.

Sorry. I mean, sir, where can we find
a nice place to eat around here?

Well, you know, that depends on
what you're in the mood for.

If you want Chinese food, I guess
the best place to go is down to Chin Wangs...

on the corner of
Jefferson and Central.

It's pretty good Chinese food.
But I don't trust em, you know?

They open hours, man.
Never take out no garbage, you know?

How's somewhere gonna be open
hours and never take out no garbage?

Somethin' ain't right.

All right, man, we take the freaks
to get some Chinese food, man.

That ain't the move.

It's bad. Don't take your girl on the
first date to get Chinese food, man.

That MSG will give her gas.

What about some chicken?

Oh, shucks. You said the magic word now.
You talkin' about the yard bird, huh?

Oh, I know about chicken. Right,
I know about some chicken. That's right.

Mm-hmm. You can't get no chicken
this time of night, though.

Watch out for the door, son.

- Why?
- Look, you better move right about now.

What?

- Happens every time they play Milli Vanilli.
- [Vomiting]

- Take it easy, buddy.
- I'll be your buddy...

when you put something
in the can, son.

Hey, buddy, how you doin'? Right.
Tell your friend I said go to hell.

You ain't gonna
wash your hands?

Never mind.

♪♪ [Hip-hop]

♪♪ [Rapping]

[Announcer] And now, Public Access
Television presents Men On Books.

- Hello, I'm Blayne Edwards.
- And I'm Antoine Merriwether.

And welcome to Men On Books.

The show that looks at great literature
from the past and present.

- From a male point of view.
- Mm-hmm.

Tonight we have
a new sponsor.

Yes, and I'm tickled pink.

This show is brought
to you by Wang.

- Don't they make computers?
- Mm-hmm.

Our first classic is a book
called Robinson Crusoe.

It's all about
a story of a white man...

who suddenly finds himself
stranded on a desert island...

and how he forms
a beautiful friendship...

with a virile,
yet submissive black man.

The author is Daniel Defoe.

Now if he's anything like
that cute little Willem Dafoe...

I'll be his Friday,
Saturday and Sunday.

Hear, hear.

Our next book is Little Women.

- Hated it.
- Hated it.

Then of course
there's Little Men.

- Hated it.
- Hated it.

Then we have Roughing It.
It's a happy tale.

Yes, this is a story about men
romping through the wilderness...

at a time when our country
was still open to exploration.

It was written by Samuel
Langhorne Clemens...

known to most people
as Mark Twain.

You know, if I ever had a son,
I'd love to name him Langhorne.

If you ever have a son,
I'll grow all my hair back.

Oh, you gonna make me
read you on public access.

Don't get mad.

Look, I know who I am. Do you?

Come on, show me
them little pearlies.

Now, that's the 'Toine I know.

Now we're coming
to the last book...

which is truly
my personal favorite.

This one's called Moby d*ck.

Open the portholes,
there's a man overboard!

I get goose-pimply just thinkin'
about that big Mr. Moby.

Uh, red light. Uh, excuse me.
Mr. Moby is a whale.

I bet he is.

This books gets
the yet-unheard-of Zorro Snap.

In "Z" formation.

You know, I really got wrapped up in
this story of men out on the open sea...

danger lurkin'
around every corner.

And them all snuggled up
in them tiny little cabins.

Just made me want to hoist my sail
and shove off with them.

Me, too. I'd pay top dollar
just to be a stow away in that story.

Oh, ditto. Well, that's
our show for tonight.

Yes, join us next time when we'll be
reviewing some of Dickens.

Yes, we'll be talkin' about
the classic A Tale Of Two Cities.

- I hope one of them is San Francisco.
- Me too.

Bye-bye.

Thank you very much.

Well, once again, we want
to thank you for joining us.

- Hey, Rollo, tell them what to do.
- Who askin'?

- Keenen.
- All right. I'll see y'all next week.

Peace.

♪ You can do what you want to do ♪

♪ In living color♪♪