01x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You know what I'm sayin'♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ It's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

♪ Take it from me
It's a'ight to be ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact beat ♪

♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ Everybody here
is equally kind ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ What's mine is yours
and what's yours is mine ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
everybody was your friend ♪

♪ From thin to thick
and through thick and thin ♪

♪ And egotistical trips
was put to an end ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ You can walk on the moon
Float like a balloon ♪

♪ It's never too late
and it's never too soon ♪

♪ Take it from me
It's a'ight to be ♪

♪ In living color♪

♪ How would you feel knowing
prejudice was obsolete ♪

♪ And all mankind danced
to the exact beat ♪

♪ And at night it was safe
to walk down the street ♪

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪♪

Ladies and gentlemen,
Keenen Ivory Wayans.

Thank you.

All right.

- Thank you.
- [Cheering Continues]

Thank you. I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans.
Welcome to the show.

Like I said, I always like
to keep this short and sweet.

So we start by saying hello
to my crew, my D.J. S.W. One.

[Audience Cheering]

And before we get to the laughs,
we gotta get to the ladies.

Starting over here with Cari,
Carrie Ann, Lisa...

Michelle and Deidre.

- My Fly Girls. Give it up.
- [Audience Cheering]

All right. Sit back, relax.
We'll be there in a minute.

See ya.

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪

- ♪ In living color♪
- ♪ You can walk on the moon ♪♪

[Karate Yells]

[Forcibly Exhales]

Line up!

Welcome to the first meeting...

of complete self-defense
for women.

I'm BobJackson.

I have a black belt
in karate...

and I've studied martial arts
for over years.

I'm also...

a former world champion.

Now...

this course may cost
more than others...

but I guarantee...

you'll never be afraid
of v*olence again.

Now, let me ask.

What are you ladies
most concerned about?

- Yes, you.!
- Okay. Say you find out
something about your husband...

like he got another wife
and some kids.

Well, what I wanna know is,
how do you k*ll a man in his sleep?

What?

Let me think about that one.

Why don't we start, though...

with defense against
a knife attack.

- Who would like to attack me?
- Ooh, me!

- I got one in my purse.
- Why don't you try?

- This is a real knife.
- Don't worry about it, grasshopper.

- I don't know. I really...
- [Exhaling Forcibly]

- I don't think I should.
- It's okay. Come on!

- [Screams]
- Oh, my God! I'm really sorry!

- L-l-l-l...
- [Girls Exclaiming]

I didn't mean it.
Are you all right?

I'm fine.

I shifted
my internal organs...

to avoid the knife.

However...

like a lot
of beginning students...

- you att*cked me wrong.
- Oh!

You're supposed
to come at me like this.

All right.

- Now, remember that and try it again.
- Okay.

- Sort of a downward thing.
- [Exhaling Forcibly]

All right-y.

- [Screams]
- [Women Screaming]

I'm really sorry! Uh...

You seem to be losing a lot of blood.
Can I get you anything?

Oh, man!

[Gasps]
Oh!

You see, you're still
bending your elbows.

You've got to keep... your arm...
completely straight.

- Oh. All right.
- That's the whole key.

Oh, God.
All right.

- Try it one more time.
- Straight.

Okay.

- Okay, I got it. All right.
- That's it.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Just like that. Yeah.

[Karate Yells]

- What, are you crazy?
- It's our first day!

- I just wanted to show her
how easy it can be...
- Are you all right?

- After years.
- This class is a rip-off.
I want my money back.

- Right. Me too. And I looked it up.
- Pardon me.

- In , Chuck Norris
was the world champion.
- What?

I never said
I was the only world champion.

There were lots of them.

- I sparred with Elvis!
- Wow!

Okay. Say you wake up
from a deep sleep...

- and your wife is doing this.
- Ow!

- What would you do then?
- And Ike Turner does this.

- And Elvis does this.
- [Groaning]

- Hmm?
- That might've hurt if I
hadn't shifted Mr. Happy.

- [Phone Ringing]
- [Whispers] Oh, God.

Well, congratulations, Tom,
on your new promotion.

You represent our commitment
to youth.

- Thank you, boss. Later, babe.
- Bye-bye.

[Thinking]
Gee, another promotion for Tom.

What is it? Youth?

Hey, he's two years older
than I am.

Maybe it's this grey
that's holding me back.

[Announcer]
Get rid of that grey...

add some zest,
some color to your life...

with new and improved
Greshan Formula.

Greshan Formula makes the change
so gradual that no one will notice.

I'll call you back. Jim,
there's something different about you.

Are you wearing a new suit?

You look a little, uh...

more manly.

You know, Jim...

in the last few weeks,
something seems, um...

different about you.

You been working out?
I know. You lost some weight.

Well, whatever it is,
keep it up.

[Announcer]
New and improved Greshan Formula...

adds zest and color.

[Man] Live from Las Vegas,
it's hours and counting...

here at
the Jheri's Kids Telethon.

Here's your host,
Jheri Lewis.!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

This is love,
and love is this.

If you're just joining us...

it's the st hour...

of theJheri Kids Telethon.

We're here to fight
a deadly affliction...

one that is suffered by
millions of inner-city youths...

across this great nation
of ours.

Also, many public figures
such as...

the entire singing group
Full Force.

Get busy.

Say hello
to one ofJheri's Kids.

This is Rodney Washington
from Compton, California.

And this is
the dreaded activator...

that he craves
so very desperately.

Hey!

Rodney, tell the people
out there...

what happened to you
as a result of yourJheri curl.

Well, you know...

You know, first it was
the "in thing" to do, man.

- Everybody had one, you know?
- Mm-hmm.

Then things started
goin' bad, man.

My woman left me, man...

'cause she got tired of washing
them pillow covers, man.

Man, I was like
a walking fire hazard.

At my job at McDonald's, man, I couldn't
even go near the heat lamps, or whoof!

- It's okay.
- It ain't okay.

It's okay.
Let it go.

Can we make
with the Kleenex here?

Okay, Rodney,
give me the good stuff.

Well, l...

I finally made that call to
Jheri Curl Deactivation Center.

- Oh, yeah!
- Yeah.

You know, the hardest thing
I ever did, man, was staying away
from that activator, man.

My hand was just... l-I just
needed that activator on my head.

- Oh, yeah!
- Yes, it was terrible, man.

- But I'm on my way back, man.
- Mm-hmm.

- Next week I'm going to get a flattop!
- Oh, yeah!

That's right!
A sea has parted!

Oh, yeah! Epiphany!

Epiphany.

So you see,
there is hope.

Won't you please send
your donations and your love?

Help us fight
this Jheri Curl syndrome.

♪♪ [Piano]

Is it time...

for me to sing?

Unfortunately, this year we could not
get clearance on "Never Walk Alone."

I was devastated.

So I wrote my own song.

I hope you like it.

♪ Get up and shower
your head all clean ♪

♪ You're not going far
with that crazy gleam ♪

♪ Your head just
looks like crap ♪

♪ Put that grease ball
under a tap ♪

♪ Put that grease ball ♪

♪ Under ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ Tap ♪♪

[No Audible Dialogue]

♪♪ [Dance]

[Man Speaking]

♪♪ [Rapping]

♪♪ [Rapping]

Marty? Marty?
Listen to me, okay?

You can't rush a Tracy Chapman song,
all right?

You know how
the creative process is.

Man, that's just the way
I get inspired.

I wait till the last minute.

Have I ever let you down?
All right. Then chill out, okay?

I'll have the song tomorrow.

Peace.
[Muttering]

♪♪

[Woman] Hey, you give me back
my pocket book.!

- Shut up, you old bag of wrinkles.!
- Oh.!

♪ Children today ain't got
no respect for adults they see ♪

♪ Knock you down and take your bag ♪

♪ Make you have to
bandage up your knee ♪

♪ Hair all knotted
Snot in the nose ♪

♪ Half the n*gg*r*s
Ain't got no clothes ♪

♪ I write a fast song ♪

♪ The way I do it
I can never go wrong ♪

♪ I write a fast song
Just look out my window
see what's going on ♪

[Brakes Screeching, Crash]

[Woman]
Oh, my God.!

♪ Old man hit by a bus ♪

♪ I think he broke his neck ♪

♪ Was shuffling down
to the welfare line ♪

♪ Had to pick up his check ♪

[Siren Wailing]

♪ Ambulance came
took him away ♪

♪ But he can't afford
his hospital stay ♪

♪ Metal twisted and turned ♪

♪ There's a traffic jam
and the buses burn ♪

[Woman]
I'll k*ll you.! I'll k*ll you.!

♪ Big bad Ben hit his wife ♪

♪ Miss Walker ran and got
a butcher knife ♪

♪ Ben don't look
so tough no more ♪

♪ He's running across the town
like a little coward ♪

♪ Oh, no, Miss Walker
tripped over the cat ♪

♪ Ben ran and grabbed
a baseball bat ♪

♪ I always thought
things would get better ♪

♪ But now he's got her
in a choke hold ♪

♪ Miss Walker picked up
a statue ♪

♪ Knocked him in the head
Now he's out cold ♪

♪ Uh-oh, he's up again ♪

♪ I thought he was gone
but not yet, he's back ♪

♪ Miss Walker picked up
a table ♪

♪ Knocked him in the head
and he's no longer able ♪

♪ I write a fast song ♪

♪ The way I do it
I can never go wrong ♪

♪ I write a fast song ♪

♪Just look out my window
see what's goin' on ♪♪

The accused stands before you
on trial for his sins.

Forgive me.
I loved it. Did you?

Liar! You only
love your freedom.

Is that a sin?

Your life will be
a sad and lonely one.

I heard that.

You belong to no one.

You belong to no one.

You belong to no one.

If living with Oppression
is a sin...

then I's be guilty!

[Woman]
Oppression for black men.

If only he wasn't so dark.

♪♪ [Women Vocalizing]

♪♪ [Man, Women Vocalizing]

♪♪ [Singing]

♪♪ [Jukebox]

This is gonna be great.

I hear the food here
is just super.

- The decor is interesting.
- [Laughs]

Good God Almighty, we got
some more customers in here!

Y'all go on and sit
wherever y'all wanna sit.

The menus is up there
by the Roach Motel.

Don't sit there.
That table's reserved.

You must not have been
at Mama's place before.

You gonna sit where she ain't goin' to.
[Mumbling, Indistinct]

Mama gonna have to spank you.
Mama gonna have to spank you.

Richard Simmons was an astronaut!

[Phone Ringing]

I'm the only one hear
the phone ringin', huh?

First break I get,
everybody else goes deaf.

Mm-hmm.
Let me sit.

Hello. Snack and Shack.

There'll be a minute wait.

Prince? I don't care
if you the Queen of Sheba...

you're gonna have to wait
along with everybody else.

Think they're royalty,
they get special treatment.

- I don't care.
- Pick it up!

Fool, I said "beans,"
not "greens."

- You said "greens."
- I said "beans!"

All right.
There you go. Beans.

Pick it up
and weigh it.

Don't mess with my pressure, woman.
Don't get my pressure up.

The only thing you
goin' to get up anytime soon.

You need to put some batteries
in that hearing aid, that's what I know.

- I didn't order no greens!
- I know you didn't order no greens.

You didn't order no chicken,
but you gonna get that,
'cause he needs new batteries.

Gettin' on my nerves.
Can't hear nothin'.

Why don't y'all go on and get yourself
some water or somethin'?

Actin' like you a stranger here
at Mama's place.

- Makin' me feel all bad like that.
- [Chuckling]

Mama gonna have to spank you
if you keep on...

I'll takeJoan Collins
to block!

Oh, Lord!
[Grunting]

Oh!

[Relieved Sigh]

Help me.
I got some terrible bunions.

Onions.
Pick it up.

Mama's gonna take care
of you, baby.

Mama gonna special treat you.

- We're cookin' now.
- Oh, look at you, baby.

Just a little twinkle in your
eye, just like my grandbaby.

Mama gonna cook
a little treat for you.

Let me see what Mama
got down here.

Yeah. How about a piece
of pecan pie for my baby?

Uh, I'll just, uh...
I'll save it for later, okay?

You gonna hurt Mama's feelings
like that? You want a piece of pie?

No, thank you. You know what I
would like? Is a new fork, if I could.

- This one is filthy.
- Say what?

- I'd like a new fork.
- Your fork is dirty?

Oh, baby, that ain't nothin'
but a little bit of dried-up cabbage.

- Garlic make my feet stink!
- Thanks.

There you go, sweetheart.
It's as good as gold.

Baby, look at you.

You just as skinny
as you wanna be.

Skinny as a bean pole.
Ain't she skinny as a bean pole?

- Skinny as a bean pole.
- Fillet of sole! Pick it up!

Um, I would just like
the salmon croquettes, please.

Baby, you gonna have
the Salisbury steak.

- I'm a vegetarian.
- Oh, I'm a Capricorn.

No. See...

No, see, she doesn't eat red meat.
That's what she's trying to say.

Oh, you there,
smarty-pants...

just like
my little grandson.

Baby, Salisbury steak
ain't red. It's brown.

See, I don't eat anything
that grazes.

That's why your teeth
are so yellow.

Jell-O! Pick it up!

Luther! Luther!

I need a Salisbury steak...

and a double order
of macaroni and cheese.

- Ain't no more Salisbury steak.
- We all out of Salisbury steak.

- Luther, we out of Salisbury steak?
- Ain't no more Salisbury steak!

Forget the steak.

Can I just have
a Perrier, please?

You want a pair of what?

- No, a Perrier. It's bottled water.
- It's French.

Ooh, this wig itches!

- Oh, Lord!
- [Groaning]

Feels like somethin' done
crawled up under my head and died.

This is disgusting. I'd really like
to speak to the owner, please.

- Baby, Mama got...
- Aw!

- [Mumbles]
- May I please speak to the owner?

Ooh, my hair fallin' out
on me.

- You wanna speak to the owner?
- Yeah.

Leon, lady over here
wanna speak to you.

I can make
a booger talk!

- All right.
- [Audience Cheering]

All right. Thank you.
As usual, we hope you had fun.

We had a good time
doin' it for you.

Startin' May th, tell them
where the party's gonna be.

[All]
Sunday!

Peace!

♪ You can do what you wanna do ♪

♪ In living color♪♪