01x01 - Welcome to Bayview

[bunniefuu]

You're going to love it here, Dad.

It looks really super, Tom.

Doesn't it, Dad?

Oi!

Dad?

Oh, yes. It's lovely.

Very...well kept.

I'm sure it will be a Great New Adventure.

That's the spirit.

I'll go and see to the biz.

You hang on.

Come on! Let's get
Christopher out of the car.

Come on.

[Barks and children chatter.]

It's a real crap up here. Isn't it?

Davey! Davey!

Well, it is! I think it is terrible.

Don't be a chump, Davey.

It's just another step in the road.

Where?

To wherever we're all going.

Come on, lad!

Temper it with a smile, if you please.

Remember the emu.

[Door slams and footfalls approach.]

Still in bed, are we?

I said, “Still in bed, are we?”

I am in bed. You are on your fat feet.

We are not “in bed,” God forbid.

Oh, Diana! You are a naughty...

Don't waggle your nasty little finger
at me, woman, or I'll bite it off.

Oh! It's such a lovely day.

So?

Well, God gave up this day to enjoy.

What you want me to do?
Go hang-gliding?

You can always it in your sun lounge.

Don't think I could stand the excitement.

I watch the grass growing.

The grass watches me shrinking.

Dear, oh dear! Somebody has got
out of bed the wrong side this morning.

Haven't got out of either side

Oh, you mean you haven't been today.

I beg your pardon.

We haven't had a little twinkle today?

Dear God!

We're going to have to join
the rubber sheet club.

Come on. Let's see.

God's truth! Dear God, you
really are quite unspeakable!

What is the matter?

You just haven't a clue. Have you?

Not a clue.

Miriam, we're very easy going here.

I mean, Rules are kept to a bare minimum.

They're more common sense and
curtsey guidelines than rules.

Can he have a pet?

We're not too keen on the
larger pets: cats and dogs.

Oh.

The problem of what happens
to them when the owners...

Ah...

Move on...

Of course...

I mean, small pets, fine:
budges, gerbils, hamsters...

Lizards?

Sorry?

Can I have a lizard?

Um?

You haven't got a lizard, Dad.

But I could get one.

I mean, I don't want to rush
off to the lizard shop

and purchase their finest

to come back and find I am
living in a lizardless society.

Oh!

Oh, no! Please. Please.

I'm sure we could cope with the lizard.

Now, meal times.

What about a snake?

Tom!

Well...it would be good to
have a snake around the place.

They could eat all the
gerbils and budges

left behind by the residents

who have moved on.

Yes, I can see you're going to
be a bit of a humorist, Dan.

Tom.

We're off on the big outing next week.

Horay.

I heard that

Good.

Where is it this time?

Another hunt for cut-price burial plots

Actually, we're going to France.

On a pilgrimage to Lourdes.

Oh, my god.

On the minibus.

Have you gone quite mad?

Oh, Lourdes is very well known
for its healing qualities.

That minibus isn't.

You'll k*ll half of them.

We'll be taking it very slowly

You took it slowly to Torquay,
and see what happened.

Hardly hear yourself talk for
the thud of falling bodies.

I take it you won't be coming.

I am neither suicidal nor Catholic.

Oh, it's nonsectarian.

Oh, I am glad.

I would hate to think anyone was precluded
from sudden death of religious grounds.

A little faith would do you no harm.

Do you know what faith is, Jane?

Faith is what helps you make the
quantum leap between the believable...

and the totally bloody ridiculous.

That's terribly cynical.

I do hope so.

I'd hate to think my time
here had been totally wasted.

I sometime think that you enjoy it.

Snapping away at me and the residents.

No, I don't. You lot are sitting ducks.

You need a moving target to enjoy it.

Of course, you can eat
in your own bungalow,

but you can also eat in
here in the main building.

And this is our dining room.

Oh, really?

What happens in here?

Um...

We eat here.

Oh, I see...

That's why it is called the dining room.
Very clever.

This is the dining room.

They call it that, because
people dine here.

Tom, please don't embarrass us.

Now, here is someone
you'll get to know well.

This is Jenny.

Jenny...Mr. Bollard

Ballard

You must call me...Dan.

Tom. Your name is...is Tom.

Yes, and then you'll be like Tom and Jenny.

You know, like the cartoon...Tom and Je...

Yes...

Well, moving right along
is the residents' lounge.

Don't you worry, Tom.

We're not all like him.
He's our only major prat.

Well...

Bit of a shag on a rock, hey.

Mhmm.

Well...

We'll have to have him ringed.

Playing with yourself, are you?

Would you care to rephrase that?

You're playing Scrabble on your own.

Good god, so I am am, and I thought I was
playing with the Dagenham Girl Pipers.

Would you like me to rustle
someone up to play with you?

No, thank you. I like playing by myself

It's easier to cheat.

I start losing, I can always drag
ol' Lionel out of his cupboard.

Lionel...

Mm hmm...

Oh, dear...

Haven't you heard?

What?

Lionel is no longer...with us.

Oh, do stop talking in euphemisms.

Do you mean that Lionel is dead?

He's gone to another place

What other place?

Uh...Heaven.

God, I'll hit you one of these days.
So help me I will.

What did he die of?

Well, he just sort of...stopped.

The usual...terminal boredom

Another green bottle falls off the wall.

I though you knew.

Well, they hardly shout these
things from the rooftops, you know.

Never see a hearse in here in daylight.

Slip in under cover of
darkness like body snatchers.

Sun comes up...

and everyone's trying to avoiding
looking at the untouched

bowl of Frosties on the breakfast table.

Would you like a pill?

A mood elevator?

You are a pill, Jane.

Go away.

Poor old sod.

Oh, it 'tis nice. Isn't it?

Nice.

I think Geoffrey wants you to pop outside
while we have a man to man chat.

Alright. Come alongs.

We can't leave grandpa here.

Out!

Dad...

If you don't like it here, we'll
forget the whole thing and go home.

Thank you, Geoffrey, but I don't think so.

If I stayed there one more night,

poor Marion would probably
strangle her psychiatrist.

No, no.

She's just a bit, you know...

Highly strung.

And so she should be.

Stop feeling guilty, Geoffrey.

We're all glad to see the
backs of each another.

That's not true.

Far as I'm concerned, it is.

Really?

Oh, yes.

I'll love it here.

Oh, well...jolly good.

Of course, we'll come and visit.

Don't hurry.

Right...

Got to have adventures, Geoffrey.

This is my next adventure.

This is the upper reaches of the Nile...

The trek to Lhasa...

The Brazilian Jungle

This is Bournemouth.

[Throat clearing.]

I'm a flamingo.

Oh, my god, a fruitcake.

Cup of tea?

What?

To go with your fruitcake.

Thank you, but I'm reading.

My name is Tom Jones.

You've probably heard of me.
I'm a famous singer.

I work in Las Vegas...

sweat a lot...

and throw my underwear
to middle-aged women...

who scream for my body.

♫ It's not unusual
to be loved by anyone. ♫

♫ Da da da dadada
da da dada da♫

Bo, George, Mr. Stevens.

Hello, Miss Trent. Everything alright?

No.

Wonderful. Bridge this evening?

No.

See you there.

Hello, Dan.

Looking for some new chums, eh?

Looking for some food, actually.

Come with me.

Miss Trent. Brought someone to meet you.

Dan Bollard, this is Fiona Trent.

Just know you are going to get
along marvelously together...

so I'll leave you to do just that.

See you later.

Diana Trent.

Tom Ballard.

So, you're not Tom Jones

Eh. I'm just trying a new
conversational opening.

Didn't work

Do you mind if I sit down?

Suit yourself

I won't, if you
don't want me to.

Sit. Stand.

You can burn to the ground, for all I care.

Well...

Since you put it so nicely, I'll sit.

There. I've sat.

What you want me to do...applaud?

I knew I shouldn't have sat.

Hello, Tom. Settling in alright?

Oh, yes. I'm having the time of my life.
Wonderful place.

That's the spirit

Pity everyone else doesn't
have such a positive approach.

Each to his own, Jenny.

Some people like being cheerful.
Others enjoy being miserable.

Just as long as they enjoy
themselves...that's the main thing.

Well, say it louder.
Somebody might hear you.

Cloying old fuddies like you that
give the elderly a bad name.

Trotting out your trite little homilies,
like some refuge from Reader's Digest.

You might enjoy being a quaint
old parody of a human being...

but I've still got my
balls, thank you very much.

This meat isn't very good.

Never is.

What is it?

Squiddle.

And these carrots...

seem to be from a tin, if I'm not mistaken.

Better at weekends, when
the relatives are around.

Well, doesn't anyone complain?

Not often.

We're British...

Bad food is a way of life.

They serve dead dog, they complain
to the RSPCA before the chef.

Well, I'm going to have
a word with Mr. Bains.

Won't do any good.He just runs the place.

I just run the
place, you see, Tom.

But surely, running the place should
encompass a provision of decent food.

Well, I think the food is rather good.
Don't you, Jane?

Oh, yes, Mr. Bains.

We never have any complaints.

Jane, you're lying through your teeth.

You'll be struck down long
before you get to Lourdes.

Well, not many complaints.

It's a question of budget, you see.

Oh!

But I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll have a word with Cook, and see if
he can't put aside some choice cuts...

just for you.

A-hem.

And you.

Of course, Miss Trent.

Be just..onto you...nod and a wink, eh?

Oh, no.

I wouldn't like to think I was getting
preferential treatment to my...

fellow inmates.

Residents, Dan.

Residents.

Well...

You told them then ??? them.

It's not right.

Something smells fishy.

Probably the beef.

Not right at all.

Oh, forget it.

You tried your feeble best.

Not your fault you're a
doddering old fool who

wouldn't break wind without
written permission.

You know your trouble, Miss Trent?

What?

Too much charm.

I do hope he isn't going
to be a trouble maker.

Oh, I'm sure not.

I'm not a difficult man, Jane.

Oh, no you're not, Harvey.

Uh...Mr. Bains.

You see, if this place
fails financially, people

won't put their money
into other Bayviews.

So, I would be depriving thousands of
senior citizens of their place in the sun,

if I were to allow us to function
in any way but the, ah...

well, reasonably profitable...

I mean, it has nothing
to do with my part in

the profit shares scheme, but you know...

shareholders are people too.

Ah, I do understand.

So, you'll keep an eye on him.

Sorry?

Let us know in advance if the
applecart looks like being upset.

Oh...I see.

Maybe Dan would like to
go on the Lourdes trip.

I don't wish to know.

Tai Chi.

Never heard of it.

Chinese exercises.

Pumping up the Yin...

and the Yang.

Sounds disgusting.

It promotes a healthy mind and body.

What for?

So that you may live a
long and healthy life.

What for?

What for?

Yes.

What is the point of having
a long and healthy life,

if you spend half of it stuck in
this place waiting for it to end.

Dear, oh dear. Tell
me Miss Trent...

What did you do,
when you were alive?

I was a spinster.

Is that a profession?

It's a attitude.

I was a self-contained unit.
I did exactly as I pleased.

Until the dismal inequities of
age turned the tables on me.

Ah...

What was your excuse for
cluttering up the planet.

I was enjoying life.

I still am.

Must be wonderful to be a simpleton.

Oh, it is.

Did you have an occupation?

Oh, yes.

For many years, I was a bullfighter.

Oh, my god.

I fought under the name of El Cordobés.

Maybe you have heard of me.

I saw you in Málaga twenty years ago.

You were badly gored.

Indeed I was.

See...

There's a scar.

Oh, the bull took your
appendix out at the same time.

They're really smart animals.

And then what did you do?

I was an astronaut.

Oh, yes.

And between trips to the Moon?

A financier.

An accountant.

Yes.

A humble accountant.

One of many humble accountants
in a very, very big firm.

I sat at the same desk, every
day, for forty years.

Hence, you fantasizing.

Not fantasies at all.

We had three weeks paid holiday a year.

Plenty of time to fight bulls on the Moon.

So...

You're just a boring man
that’s led a boring life.

You're absolutely right.

I board(?) for the World
XI for many, many seasons.

Now a ludicrous poseur to boot.

Yes.

Everything I do is for effect

You see...

I'm terrified that, if
people don't notice me.

that I may not be here at all.

You're not.

I've never seen or heard of you.
There's no one there.

I'm talking to a figment of
my own diseased imagination.

Surely, you wouldn't bother to think me up.

That's true.

Besides, I just checked in the mirror.

I was actually there.

That is, assuming the
mirror was really there.

Never assume a prescence.

You can only really be
sure...of an abscence.

Which just about sums you up.

You're such a sweet person.

Just because we're old doesn't mean
we have to be polite to one another.

I beleive in being polite to everyone.

Even mad bulls.

Please...

Don't tell me any more about youself.
I don't want to know.

There's no time.

The only thing I ever did of any note...

was to found the Kingston
on Thames Communisit Party.

Look, I don't want to know.

Kingston on Thames Communisit Party?

Yes.

Did you have many members?

No, none at all.

It was just another of my totally
futile gestures in life.

Do you know anything about Communism?

Only what I picked up from
Hemmingway in the Spanish Civil w*r.

“Cordobés,” he said to me.

“Marx and Engels have nothing
to do with ice skating.”

Listen, Ballard, you're not an original.

You can't disguise gibberish
as original thought/

Just like the rest of us.

In this life we do three things:

We're born. We consume. We die.

And you and I have done the first two.
We're just waiting to do the third.

You've come here to die.

So, kindly...

Do it quitely and with dignity.

And on your own.

I met McJagger once.

At the siege of Madrid.

Bet you never did that.

♫ I can't get no, oh, no, no ♫

Sorry, Mr. Ballard. I must have forgot you.

No, no, Jenny. You didn't.

I'm not having any.

You don't like it.

I'm on a hunger strike.

Oh...

That's all right, then. Give us
a yell if you change your mind.

I'm on hunger strike.

Oh, yes...

Like Ghandi.

I like Ghandi.

Finished already, Tom.

No, I'm not having any.
I'm on a hunger strike.

Oh, you don't want to do that, Tom.

I do.

I'm not going to eat until
the food gets better.

Sorry, Miss.

Dan.

Harry.

Sorry?

Harry.

No, it's not Harry, Dan, it's Harvey.

My appologies.

One should always try and
get a person's name right,

or they might not think you care for them.

Right.

So how are things?

Things are fine.

So, you were just pulling
Jane's legs, right?

I would never presume such a liberty.

Oh, so you are on a hunger strike.

Just until I am presented with some
food which I would consider worthy.

Have you mentioned this to anyone.

The Sun, The Mirror, and The Times.

Don't you worry about a thing.

Dan.

If I could just have your
attention for a moment.

Now, about our trip to Lourdes.

Now, I'm sure some of you will remember
the sucess of last years trip.

Success? Did someone make it home?

Miss Trent likes her little joke.

Two people d*ed.

Now. Now. You know that isn't true.

More than two, was it?

Anyway...

Just so I can get a rough idea of numbers.

Can I have a show of hands
for all those interested.

Anyone for Lourdes?

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

We do stock up with duty-free...

at Bayonne.

That's if you make it that far.

Lourdes?

Mr. Ballard!

I'd very much like to go
to Lourdes, Miss Edwards

It's a wonderful place, and I can
personally attest to its healing powers.

I myself benifited from them...

after suffering severe injuries...

while working in Spain.

¡Olé!

I urge you all to go.

I'm sure that a wonderful
time will be had by all.

Oh! Jolly good.

And you say the food's okay.

Wonderful.

So, you're not hungry.

Why should you ask that?

No reason. Just thought you
might prefer to come home.

Why should I want to leave.
I only just got here.

Well...We miss you.

Don't we, Marion.

But when you were laying your new patio,

I distinctly overheard
someone suggest that,

it might be a good idea

if I was to become an integral
part of the concrete mix.

I'd just skinned a rabbit
in my sewwing room.

Rabbit.

Will you come home, Dad?

No, no, no, Geoffery.

You can't stop the Crusaides at Cypres.

I am afoot.

Avaunt.

See! He's very happy here.
He wants to stay.

Oh, alright.

Goodbye.

Ghastly creature.

Should have been strangled at birth.

You talking to me?

To you?

No.

About you?

Possibly.

How's the hunger strike?

Never miss a trick, do you?

The consistency of your
malevolence is heartening.

Do you want some?

Get thee behind me.

I do love to see a man of principle.

Those are so fatuous, now a days.

Eat your sweets, Miss Trent.

He's got your number, you know.

Who?

Banes, of course.

Why do you think your awful
offspring suddenly turn up,

saying come home,
all is forgiven?

Why?

He wants you out.

You're a troublemaker.

He's been on to them.

Oh, dear. Your dad's not happy.

He weeps into his soup.

Better take him home, before he kills
himself or brings dishonor on your house.

He wouldn't do that.

Well, he tried it with my
family...got onto my neice.

Lashings of moral blackmail.

But you're still here.

Yes, 'course I am.

My neice was trained by me.

Told Baines that if I wanted to do myself
in, I was to be given every assistance.

But that's aweful.

I thought it was splendid

Aweful of Banes, I mean.

You don't think El Cordobés
is like some common picador.

I don't think we'll have too
much trouble from dear old Dan.

Had a word with the daughter-in-law.
She knows how to get him in line.

You have to be a people
manager, you know, Jane.

And I must say, I'm a rather good one.

Oh, you are, Harvey. You are.

Dan.

Tom!

Got that. Tom!

Tom? Is this correct?

Well, I should have been informed.

Do come in, Tom.

What can we do for you?

Sit!

What?

Sit!

You sit, too.

Now, listen to me.

We don't seem to have much choice.

I said listen.

Sorry.

In this institution,

you have over a thousand years
of wisdom and human experience.

Understand?

You don't have a bunch of old
crocks that need managing

and herding around the
place like lame sheep.

Wha?

Silence!

Also in this institution,
you have paying customers.

We pay. You work.

What does that make you?

Our employee.

Right?

Right.

So, as one of your many bosses,

I am now going to give you some
instructions about the food around here.

Now, Tom, I did explain.

Sit!

This is not a discussion.

Here are your orders concerning the food.

You will obey these or I'll put

phase two of my plan into operation,

and that, I can assure you

will snap your little Yuppie
brain right down the middle.

Do you understand?

Yes, Tom.

Come along, Mrs. Summerbund.
Come on. No time to waste.

You won't need that when
you get back anyway, eh?

Not going to Lourdes, then?

I value my health.

You're learning.

Hear you've given up the hunger strike.

Yes.

Said you had no balls.

What's your favorite dish, Miss Trent.

Poached salmon. Why?

Banes.

Harry.

It's Harvey.

Yes, Tom?

Poached salmon for Miss Trent, please

Sure, fine.

Why not?

Poached salmon.

Caviar. ??? eggs.

Why not?

Why not?

Yes, why not?

It's only money.

Profits.

How on earth did you manage that?

I told him that if the food did not improve,

I would disembowl myself on
the steps of the town hall.

Would you have done it?

Certainly not, but he doesn't know that.

He thinks I'm a potential psychopath.

They all think we go barmy after seventy.

Exploit it. That's what I say.

Play Scrabble?

I'm a bullfighter.

You're a crackpot.

At least, I'm prettier than you.