Okay, we're all set.
For our first romantic Valentine's Dayweekend.
[ Both ]
Mmm! Aah!
- Areyou all packed?
- Yep.
- That's all you're bringing?
- Well, I figured I probablywouldn't be wearing much since it is our first romantic Valentine's Dayweekend! [ Both ]
Mmm! Aah! Dharma, there's gonna be snow where we're going.
I know! I finally get to see snow!
- Thankyou.
- You're welcome.
- But whatever's in there is not gonna keepyou warm.
- No, but it'll keepyou warm.
You're not taking this seriously.
Sorry.
Boy, I can't wait to go on vacation and have tons of sex.
- Better?
- Better.
Your, uh, parents are watching the dogs, right?
[ Whispering ]
Yes.
Shh! Stinky and Nunzio don't know that we're leaving yet.
- Putyour suitcase in this bag.
- Why?
Because ifthe dogs think we're taking out the garbage theywon't be upset that we're leaving.
You don't think that they'll put it together afterwe're gone for two days?
Come on, Greg.
They're just dogs.
[Dharma Clearing Throat]
Gee, Greg, thanks for helping me take out the trash.
- It sure is a lot.
- Yep.
We'll just, uh, throw it all out and be right back.
-Yep, be right back.
-You guys want anything from the Dumpster?
Yeah.
- Be right back.
All right.
- Think they bought it?
- [Dogs Howling, Whining]
- Nope.
- Now what?
- Go back in, wait an hour, and we'll try again.
Okay.
Another 72 miles averaging 50 miles an hour allowing for one bathroom break, gets us to the B&B by 6:45.
A little romance, and dinner at 7:00.
- [ Sighs ]
- [CarPassing]
- Slug Bug!
- Ow!
- What did you do that for?
- It's a game.
Whenever a Volkswagen Beetle drives by
- whoever sees it first gets to punch the other guy.
- Oh.
Okay.
- [ CarPassing]
- Whack, whack, Cadillac! Okay, I get it.
- [ CarPasses ]
- Ford Probe.
No wet willies! Do you think there's gonna be enough snow so we can have snowball fights?
I spoke to the guy at the B&B.
He said there's snow everywhere.
[ Sinister Chuckle ]
You are in big trouble, pretty boy.
You know, you're pretty cocky for someone who's never even made a snowball.
I had a matzo ball fight in a deli once.
How different can it be?
[ Gasps ]
- Wha
-What's wrong?
- Quick, pull over.
- What?
What?
- There's a dead animal by the side ofthe road.
Oh.
Thank God.
I thought there was something wrong.
Something is wrong, Greg.
Something's verywrong.
It's dead!
- Back up.
We have to bury it.
- You're kidding, right?
Dharma, you know they have guys who come along and scoop these things up.
It's not a thing, Greg.
It's a beaver or a raccoon or a really giant squirrel.
I could tell better ifhe had a head.
The point is, he's one of our fellow creatures, and he deserves a proper burial.
Fine, but we're gonna be late.
We're definitely gonna be late.
- Late for our first romantic Valentine's Dayweekend.
- Dharma, not here.
[ Both ]
Mmm! Aah! [ Gasps ]
Greg, there's his head!
- Dharma
-
- Greg, Greg, Greg
- All right.
You got him.
Don't let him go.
Finish him off.
Larry, that's enough C
-Span for one day.
- Hey.
- Come on.
Help me sort this stuff out.
- All right.
- [Phone Ringing]
- I got tags
-
- Whoop, whoop.
- Yello.
- Gregory, it's your father.
- It's Larry.
- It's Edward.
There's no Edward here.
Sorry.
[Phone Beeping]
- Okay.
I got these tags
-
- [Phone Ringing]
- Yello.
- Finkelstein, it's Edward Montgomery.
Oh, hey, Ed.
What's up?
- Is Gregory there?
- Who is it?
- Edward.
- Edward?
Yep.
What's up, Ed?
Is Gregory there?
I need the address of a restaurant.
- He's looking for Greg.
- Greg's not here.
He's not here, Ed.
Wait.
Ask them ifthey have anything theywanna donate to the animal shelter swap meet.
Okay.
Ed, doyou guys want to get in on a swap
- that Abby's putting together?
What?
I can't hearyou.
What?
- [ Static ]
You know, a swap
- swapping
-
- What?
What?
- Hello?
Hello?
- Hello?
Hello?
- Hello!
- Hello!
- What was that all about?
- Gregory's not there and the Finkelstein's wanna know ifwe're interested in some sort ofswapping.
- Swapping what?
- I have no idea.
Edward, you don't suppose they meant wives, doyou?
- What areyou talking about?
- Wife swapping.
For sex.
It's all part of their free
-love philosophy.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
That is exactlywhy I want you to come to my book club so thatyou're aware ofthese sorts ofthings.
You're saying Larry Finkelstein wants to have sex with you?
- Yes.
- [ Laughing ]
- What's so funny?
- Oh, nothing.
You're a beautiful woman and all men wantyou.
Is that good enough, or should we stop at a jewelry store?
You better stop.
Oh, look, there's a historical marker.
"On this site in 1 893"
- somethin' happened.
Must have been pretty good for them to put up that fancy statue.
Ooh, a fruit stand.
Hey, do you wanna stop and get some apple cider?
Honey, I'm just tryin' to make up some time so we can get to the B&B before sunset.
- Why?
- Because there's a breathtaking view ofthe sunset from the statelyverandah.
Honey, a sunset is breathtaking whereveryou are.
Dharma, will you just, uh, please go with me on this?
- [Siren Wailing]
- Oh, great! Oh, yeah, soyou'll stop for him but not for me.
Wow.
That sunset sure takes your breath away, doesn't it?
I tried to tell him that.
Hello, Abby?
It's Kitty Montgomery.
- Oh, hi, Kitty.
- [Kitty]
Uh, listen.
[ Chuckling ]
You know, Larry and Edward spoke and I think there's some sort of confusion.
You didn't invite us to participate in some sort of a, uh, swap, did you?
Absolutely.
It's always more fun with new people.
-There are going to be other people there?
-As many as we can get.
Of course, I assure you, Kitty once the g*ng gets a load ofyour goodies, you're gonna be very busy.
Uh
- Dear God.
Um, Abby we are not the sort of people who swap.
Don't let the word confuse you.
No, no, what you're really doing is selling your stuff.
- Money is exchanged?
- Uh
-huh.
And everybody makes out.
But, of course, no one more than the animals.
They're the real reason we're doing this.
- Hello?
Hello?
- [ Phone Clicking ]
Ooh, it's kind of cute! No, this
- this can't be it.
Look at the brochure.
We're supposed to be surrounded by snowcapped peaks, sitting on a statelyverandah, sipping hot cider.
Well, we can run across to that 7
-Eleven and get a couple ofSlurpees.
- No.
No, Dharma.
Come on.
Let's go.
- [Doorbell Rings ]
- We're not staying.
- I just rang the doorbell.
- I'm not gonna ding
-dong ditch.
- [Dogs Barking]
[ Woman ]
Regis, Kathie Lee, stopyelping.
And, Regis, stop that.
You're gonna lick herstitches out again.
[ Door Opens ]
Oh, are you here for the box turtles or the bed and breakfast?
The bed and breakfast.
We're the Montgomerys.
- Oh, I'm delighted to see you.
- Ohh!
- I'm Alice.
- We're delighted to seeyou too.
You're a little late for the sunset toast butyou can sit right here on the verandah and watch the moon rise from behind the Texaco star.
- That sounds romantic.
- Uh, ho
-hold on a second.
I downloaded your brochure offthe Internet and, uh, this is, um, nothing likeyourWeb site.
Oh, my son made this.
Oh.
Well, I can see that he did gild the lily a bit.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, isn't this sweet?
"Exquisite dining.
" Hejust loves his mama's cooking.
Now, you come along with me, and I'll showyou toyour cottage.
- Hey, how much are the box turtles?
- That depends.
Doyou want them for pets or for soup?
This is bad.
This is so bad.
I just wanna make sure thatyour room is ready.
Really bad.
Come on, Greg.
It's adorable.
- It's like a big baked potato.
- [Knocking]
Kenny, the guests showed up after all.
Get the pool raft and go sleep in the garage.
[DoorOpens ]
Welcome to the Red Rose Inn where your pleasure is our business.
Is this your first time at the Red Rose Inn?
Does anybody come twice?
Yes.
This is our first trip.
Okay, then you'll need instructions on the chemical toilet.
You pump twice, then you doyour business then you pump again to make sure that the coast is clear.
- [ Mutters ]
- Please enjoyyour complimentary bottle of pink champagne.
Feel free to use the computer.
The, uh, password is [ Whispers ]
"Kenny.
" [ Whispers ]
"Kenny.
" And, of course, uh, here's the bed.
[ Laughing ]
I'm sureyou know how to use that.
Kenny, could you excuse us for a minute, please?
Oh, wow.
You don't have to tell me twice.
Come on.
Let's get outta here.
Don't worry about the gratuity.
I'm the proprietor.
[DoorOpens, Closes ]
We can't just walk out now.
Look at all the trouble theywent to.
I don't care.
We're in a trailer in somebody's backyard! So what?
We'll just pretend it's a cozy little cottage.
But it's not a cozy cottage.
It's Kenny's room.
Come on, Greg.
Just relax and go with it.
No! It could be romantic in a goofy kind ofway ifwe just give it a chance.
Dharma, how can this be romantic?
[ Clears Throat ]
Like this.
[Kenny]
Mama, theydon't want dinner.
They're doin' it! Edward, you didn't say anything to give them the impression that we would engage in this sort of activity, did you?
Yes, dear.
I told them we were both hot to trot.
[ Scoffs ]
Every time I close my eyes, I see him unhitching that macramé belt.
Why can't you put this out ofyour mind?
Of all the people in the world, we are not going to swing with the Finkelsteins.
Areyou implying there are some people we would swing with?
- Oh, no, no, no.
Of course not.
Don't be silly.
- Well
-
- Thankyou.
- You're welcome.
[ Sighs ]
Oh, Lord.
Of course, the Beitermeyers are a fairly handsome couple.
Are you serious?
John Beitermeyer is entirely devoid of chin.
Now
- Now, David and Anna Collins
- Anna Collins?
That woman's a Clydesdale.
Of course, the Hippelwhites
- Now, that's a couple.
True.
They're very fit.
- Tan too.
- Mm
-hmm.
So, this is your first Valentine's Day as a couple.
- I had a girlfriend once.
- Kenny, we're not talking about you now, are we?
No, actually, Mrs.
Binns, I would like to talk toyour son for a minute.
- Kenny, um, did you make this brochure?
- Yes, sir.
Thepicture on the brochure ofithe Victorian house with the gables and the verandahs
-
- Where did you get that?
- Magazine.
You can't just do that.
Can with a photo scanner.
No.
We came here specifically to be in a beautiful place with snow, because mywife has never seen snow.
You've misrepresented everything.
This brochure is all lies! Kenny, bite that quivering lip.
You've got this coming, you know.
- Don'tyell at him.
- He deserves to beyelled at.
He's got to know that he did something wrong.
If not for us then for the next people who pay $200 a night to stay in this dump.
It's not a dump.
It's my room! I guess I don't need to tell you he was a colicky baby.
Oh, and to make it up toyou I'll giveyou an extra night forjust halfthe price.
- Thankyou.
- [DoorCloses ]
You go out there right now and you apologize.
- Apologize?
- Yes, Greg.
Theywere trying to be hospitable to us, and you completely insulted them.
Dharma, what about us?
Look around.
Lookwhat happened to ourvery first romantic Valentine's Dayweekend.
- Don'tyou dare twirl in my arms.
- I wasn't planning on it.
You wanna know what happened to our romantic weekend?
- I'll tell you.
You ruined it.
- I ruined it?
Yes, Greg, you, with your schedule and your brochure and all ofyour expectations about how everything's supposed to go according to some master plan.
I did that soyou would have a good time.
Greg, I've got news foryou.
I've been having a good time.
And I was hoping that before the end ofthe weekend, you'd join me.
- [Rumbling]
- Oh, my God.
- What's that, an earthquake?
- No, we're moving.
I don't believe it.
He's kidnapping us! You still think they're nice folks?
All right.
I admit he's overreacting a little butwhat he's overreacting to is you yelling at him.
- Kenny, stop this thing right now!
- Thereyou go again! You're supposed toyell when you're being kidnapped! That's why they usually put duct tape on your mouth!
- Where areyou going?
- I'm gonna go out that door crawl along the roof ofthe trailer, jump into the pickup truck and very quietly, withoutyelling b*at little Kenny to a pulp.
[Horn Honking]
I'll wait till he stops for gas.
[ Groans ]
- Hey, Dharma, wake up.
- Mmm.
- What?
- We're not moving.
I don't believe it.
[ Gasps ]
It's snow! [ Gasps, Screams ]
"Sorry, I lied.
Hope this makes it better.
Kenny.
PS: Make sure the trailer is level before using the chemical toilet.
"
- Hey, Greg.
- What?
Duck! Okay.
[Laughing]
Hey, Dharma?
- What?
- Guess what this is?
[ Squeals ]
It's our first romantic Valentine's Dayweekend.
[ Screams, Spits ]
- Sucker!
- That's it! [ Screams ]
I loveyou.
[ Screaming ]
[ Woman On TV]
Can't look at
- All right.
Listen here.
Our children are married, and there is the possibility thatwewill know each other forthe rest of our lives.
So, I'm going tosaythis
- I'm onlygoing to sayit once.
Under no circumstances are Edward and I ever going to have sex with the two ofyou.
Do you understand?
- Yes.
- Yeah, I think so.
Edward.
But thankyou for thinking of us.
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
It's 4 to 6 Foot!
01x16 - Dharma and Greg's First Romantic Valentine's Day Weekend
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Free-spirited Dharma, a yoga instructor and dog trainer, meets and falls for polar opposite Greg, a Harvard-educated U.S. attorney.
Free-spirited Dharma, a yoga instructor and dog trainer, meets and falls for polar opposite Greg, a Harvard-educated U.S. attorney.