[ Man Narrating ]
This yacht is bringing...
a revolutionary scientific invention
to Gotham City.
On a peaceful
afternoon motor ride...
millionaire Bruce Wayne
and his youthful ward, d*ck Grayson...
have been summoned back
to Wayne Manor...
by an urgent but anonymous
call for help.
The invention and its custodian...
are reported in grave danger
aboard the yacht.
Never ones
to shirk responsibility...
Bruce and d*ck-
with characteristic speed and resolve-
descend promptly to the Batcave.
And then, as they have done
many times before...
as Batman and Robin—
courageous warriors
against crime-
they are off, once again,
to the rescue.
- [ Engine Powering Up ]
- Atomic batteries to power.
- Turbines to speed.
- Roger. Ready to move out.
[ Tires Screeching ]
Batmobile to airport.
Red alert. Prepare Batcopter
for immediate takeoff.
Batmobile approaching Batcopter.
- [ Brakes Squeal ]
- [ Man On P.A. ] Red alert! Red alert!
Gotham Tower to all aircraft
in the Gotham control zone.
Enter your holding pattern.
Repeat: Enter your holding pattern.
Batcopter cleared for takeoff.
[ Cheering, Shouting ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
Gives a feller a good feelin'
to know they're up there doin' theirjob.
Bat drift angle: - to starboard.
Roger. Correcting to port.
Altitude: - - .
Sink rate:. .
- Drop bat ladder.
- Bat ladder away.
Lock computer on afterdeck.
Set a*t*matic bat hold.
Watch out, Batman.
This could be tricky.
Have no fear, Robin.
I'll keep all my wits about me.
So long— for a minute.
Batman to Robin.
Ease off on the power.
Increase sink rate.
Roger. Wilco.
Take her up!
[ Batman Grunting ]
Holy sardine!
Hand me down
the shark repellent bat spray!
[ Punches Landing ]
[ Spray Hissing ]
[ Commissioner Gordon ]
All right. Enough pictures.
[ Batman ] This press conference
must be brief, ladies and gentlemen.
[ Chief O'Hara ] You're lucky
the Dynamic Duo will talk to you at all.
You there, Mr. Merrick,
of the Gotham City Times.
According to rumor, Batman...
a transatlantic yacht
approaching this city simply disappeared.
Nonsense. How can a yacht
"simply" disappear?
- You mean it isn't true?
- I stand on my answer, Mr. Merrick.
Mr. Stanley of the Globe.
This yacht, I believe, belonged to
the famous Big Ben Distilleries.
That's right.
Isn't the firm's proprietor,
Commodore Schmidlapp, bringing with him...
a fantastic new invention
from the Big Ben's research laboratory?
Please, no more questions
about that ship.
What about that exploding shark?
Doubtless an unfortunate animal
who chanced to swallow a floating mine.
I wouldn't worry about that either,
Mr. Merrick. You there, Miss-
[ Russian Accent ] Comrade Kitanya
Irenya Tatanya Karenska Alisoff.
I am from the MoscowBugle.
You grace us with your presence.
May I be of service?
Ifyou please to take off the mask
to give the better picture?
- [ Crowd Gasping ]
- Great Scott! Batman take off his mask?
- [ Chief] The woman must be mad!
- [ Batman ] Please, Chief O'Hara, all of you.
This young lady
is a stranger to our shores.
Her request is not unnatural,
however impossible to grant.
- Impossible?
- Indeed.
If Robin and I were
to remove our masks...
the secret of our true identities
would be revealed.
Completely destroying
their value as ace crime fighters.
Sure, ma'am. Not even Commissioner Gordon
and meself know who they really are.
In fact, our own relatives
we live with don't know.
But your so curious costumes?
Don't be put off by them, ma'am. Under this
garb, we're perfectly ordinary Americans.
You are like the masked vigilantes
in the westerns, no?
Certainly not! Batman and Robin
are fully deputized agents of the law.
"Support your police. "
That's our message.
Well said, Robin.
And no better way to end
this press conference.
- Thank you and good day.
- [ Crowd Murmuring ]
- [ Man ] Batman—
- [ Chief] Never mind. Come on. Everybody out now.
We're all busy here.
Get 'em out.
A finejob, Batman.
You allayed their fears magnificently.
What else could I have done? If I'd told
the truth, panic would grip the city.
The truth. Sure,
and what is the truth?
A decoy- a strange,
anonymous warning...
that Commodore Schmidlapp
is in danger to lure me into a trap.
A fiendish attempt on Batman's life.
You mean, while they were luring you
to a watery grave...
the Commodore's yacht
was being h*jacked someplace else?
- Precisely.
- And who behind it? Not a clue.
Tell me, Commissioner. What known
supercriminals are at largejust now?
I'll check at once, Batman.
[ Flips Switch ]
Bonnie, let's have the latest status report
on known supercriminals at large.
- [ Woman On Intercom ] Yes, sir.
- Thank you, Bonnie.
Coming up, Batman, on the closed-circuit
TV screen. Come over here.
[ TV: Man ]
Status report.
Known supercriminals
not currently imprisoned.
- [ Batman ] The Penguin.
- That pompous waddling master offoul play.
Maestro of a million
criminal umbrellas.
- [ Robin ] The Joker!
- [ Chief] Devilish clown prince of crime.
If I only had a nickel
for every time he's baffled us.
- [ Commissioner ] What? The Riddler loose too?
- [ Batman ] So it seems.
Loose to plague us
with his criminal conundrums.
[ Robin ]
Gosh! And the Catwoman!
[ Man ]
End of status report.
Could be any one of them,
but which one? What—
- Which ones?
- [ Gasps ]
Pretty fishy what happened to me
on that ladder.
You mean, where there's a fish,
there could be a Penguin.
But wait.
It happened at sea.
See? "C" for Catwoman.
Yet, an exploding shark...
was pulling my leg.
- The Joker.
- It all adds up to a sinister riddle.
Riddle-er.
Riddler?
Oh, a thought strikes me...
so dreadful, I scarcely
dare give it utterance.
The four of them—
their forces combined.
- Holy nightmare!
- Batman, could it be?
I don't know.
But I think I know
where to find a clue.
Come on, Robin, to the Batcave.
We haven't one moment to lose!
[ Foghorn Blowing ]
[ Raucous Laughter,
Shouting, Muffled ]
[ Laughing, Shouting Continue ]
- Ahoy, Catwoman.
- Imbecile!
How many times have I told you?
Never use my real name in public!
[ Man Cackling ]
[ Cackling Continues ]
You and your trained
exploding shark.
Faugh! Quack!
How should I know they'd have a can
of shark repellent bat spray handy?
Why, you sniveling sardine!
Why, you pompous puffed-up penguin!
Oh, friends, make peace.
- Have a shake on me. -
[ Yelping ] - [ Yelping ]
Oh, a joke a day
keeps the gloom away.
Sic 'em, Hecate.
Scratch out their eyes.
- [ Yowls ]
- [ Penguin ] Take away that ravenous panther!
So help me, Catwoman,
I'll feed him to the birds.
I'll incapacitate the beast
with my trick confetti.
United Underworld.
[ Scoffs ]
We're about as united
as the members...
of the United World headquarters
on Gotham East River.
- What's the matter with you all?
- She's right.
She's right. Ifwe don't manage to
somehow swallow our supercriminal pride...
- I'm afraid we're going—
- Right, Mr. Riddler!
Quite right.
We must hang together...
or most assuredly
we shall hang separately.
Oh, and what a pity
that would be-
on the eve of the greatest criminal coup
anyone ever dreamed of.
Aha! How did it go, Catwoman?
- Purr-fectly. Purr-fectly.
- [ Meows ]
In my disguise as Kitka...
I penetrated their press conference.
- The fools are completely baffled.
- Eh, but undrowned.
Yes, unfortunately.
Batman's boots
didn't even look damp.
[ Mutters ]
- [ Meows ]
- How's our prisoner?
- Still doesn't know he's been kidnapped?
- He hasn't the foggiest.
Hejust keeps ringing
for his confounded tea.
- [ Bell Rings ]
- There he goes again.
- [ Penguin ] Take it to him, man.
- Oh! [ Chuckles ]
[ Laughing ]
- [ Foghorn Blowing ]
- [ Inhales ] Ah!
[ Inhales ]
Ah!
- [ Knocking ]
- Come in.
[ Laughing ]
Your tea, Commodore Schmidlapp.
Oh, thank you, steward.
Jolly good service aboard this yacht.
- Oh, we strive to give satisfaction, sir.
- [ Chuckles ] Ye-
I say, steward, your face
has the most ghastly pallor.
Are you sure you're getting enough
of the good old sea air?
Oh, my duties keep me
mostly undercover, sir.
Oh, too bad.
Too bad.
Any notion how much longer this yacht will
remain here, fogbound off the Grand Banks?
Oh, I really couldn't say, sir.
Oh, well. Gives me a jolly good chance
to get caught up on my Dickens.
Still, I would like to get
to Gotham City one of these days.
I have a deuced clever invention
with me, you know.
Stored down in the hold.
Should be worth millions
ofYankee dollars. Pip, pip!
Oh! [ Laughs ]
Well, "Pip! pip!" to you, sir.
Ifyou wish anything
further, just ring.
[ Cackling ]
[ Foghorn Blows ]
[ Waves Splashing ]
[ Foghorn Blows ]
[ Bell Clangs ]
Commodore Schmidlapp's
invention in our hands—
the whole world
almost literally in our grasp—
and Batman and Robin
still alive to block us.
[ Cackling ] Evertyhing "pip, pip"
with the prisoner, comrades.
- He hasn't a clue.
- No, but I bet the Dynamic Duo has.
- What?
- A clue on how we made that ship disappear.
- And when they solve that—
- Ofcourse. They'll be out to investigate.
But we'll be there first.
Ifwe hurry, that is. Ifwe hurry.
Catwoman, you tend
to this headquarters.
Attention, you unfathomable finks!
- Yo-ho! - Yo-ho!
- Now hear this.
Call down to our secret
river-bottom dock...
and prepare our submarine for sea!
- Yo-ho! - Yo-ho!
- Yo-ho what?
- Sir! -
Sir! - Quack.
Holy Merlin the magician!
Get set for a shock.
The bat camera was aimed right
at the yacht when it took this picture.
[ Batman ]
So, my strange hunch was right.
- I don't get it, Batman.
- Think, Robin. As you truly remarked...
no one can make
a seagoing vessel simply disappear-
provided it was ever
really there at all.
- You mean—
- Precisely, Robin.
The yacht we thought we saw
was a mere illusion...
a tricky projection akin
to the common desert mirage.
It deceived our naked eyes...
but was blocked by the bat camera's
polarized bat filter.
I think I know where that projection
came from too.
Observe- that bell buoy.
- What's the matter with it?
- Quite a lot, I fancy.
Let's see. The coordinates
ofour position were . by -B.
Quickly. Feed those figures
into the navigational aid computer.
Roger.
[ Whirring ]
- [ Bell Rings ]
- Negative. No legal bell buoy at that position.
Ha! As I surmised.
An illegal projection buoy
cleverly camouflaged.
Wow! Maybe the crooks
left fingerprints on it.
Good thinking, Robin.
Let's find out. To the Batboat. Fast!
[ Motor Roars ]
- One thing I don't dig, Batman.
- Oh?
Ifthat ship wasjust a mirage,
what happened to the real one?
Taken to some secret
island hideaway...
with every soul aboard save one.
- Commodore Schmidlapp?
- Precisely.
For some baffling reason,
the hijackers needed him or his invention...
as part of their criminal scheme.
Keep an eye on the scope.
Watch for suspicious vessels.
I'm watching, Batman.
It looks like we've got
the whole ocean to ourselves.
[ Sonar Pinging ]
[ Quacking Laugh ]
Diving planes, Mr. Bluebeard.
Hoist her three degrees.
Yo-ho!
Hoist three degrees.
I certainly hope you know
what you're doing, Penguin.
Mr. Riddler, I ignore
your insipid insinuations!
Hmm! Hah!
Mr. Joker!
You're leaning
on the current control.
Don't sound so bossy, ifyou please!
My dear sir, as the poet says...
"On land, you may command.
At sea, it is me. "
- [ Quacking Laugh ]
- [ Mocking Quacks ]
- [ P.A.: Whistle Piping ]
- Now hear this. Now hear this.
This is your captain speaking,
my fine-pinioned pirates.
We're approaching the tricky buoy.
Sharpen your cutlasses.
There may be skulduggery ahead!
- Yo-ho!
- What?
- What?
- Unidentified small craft bearing - - .
[ Quack ]
Mr. Bluebeard!
- Hold her steady! Up periscope!
- Yo-ho! Up periscope.
[ Quacks ]
[ Quacks ]
Great quivering icebergs!
Just as I hoped.
Watch your step, Robin.
An underwater shark cage-
the source ofthat fiendish fish.
What cruelty— stuffing a poor shark
with a ton ofdeadly T.N.T.
True. Nothing's sacred
to those devils.
Torpedoes! Torpedoes!
What are we waiting for?
Chain ofcommand, Mr. Riddler.
The Penguin runs a taut ship.
Now hear this, Mr. Joker.
Load the torpedo tubes.
Yo-ho!
[ Laughing ]
Load torpedo tubes.
Salt and corrosion—
the infamous old enemies
of the crime fighter.
No prints here.
Look here, Batman.
That tricky mirage projector
must be behind this plate.
Wow! What a set
ofsuperpower lenses.
No wonder we were fooled.
Look, Robin.
[ Robin ] Holy LongJohn Silver!
A pirate periscope.
They've spotted us.
Set torpedoes to a*t*matic homing.
Yo-ho! Set torpedoes
to a*t*matic homing.
[ Exclaims ] You crazy bird.
Fire them off! Quickly!
[ Quacks ]
Mr. Morgan, kindly activate...
the remote-control Penguin magnet
inside that buoy.
Yo-ho!
- [ Electromagnet Humming ]
- Hey!
- Holy glue pot! What's going on?
- The fiends!
They've converted this buoy
into a gigantic magnet.
It's got us by the metallic objects
in our utility belts.
- Torpedo tubes armed.
- [ Quacks ]
- [ Humming Continues ]
- Batman!
We're helpless
in this monstrous invisible grip.
Steady, Robin.
I see one hope.
What, Batman?
If I can just pry loose...
my utility-belt transmitter.
[ Quack ]
Mr. Joker, are you ready to fire?
Yo-ho!
Ready to fire.
Five, four, three, two—
- Fire one!
- Fire one!
Torpedoes!
- [ Frequency Humming ]
- If I can just reverse the polarity-
send out waves ofsuperenergy.
- [ Riddler ] What happened?
- Mr. Joker, fire two!
Fire two!
- [ Quacking Laugh ]
- [ Laughing ]
Here comes another one!
[ Frequency Humming ]
You and your reconditioned
w*r surplus torpedoes!
He must be using
a superenergy reverse polarizer.
Mr. Joker, fire three!
Fire three!
[Joker Laughing ]
Here comes a third one, Batman!
[ Frequency Humming ]
[ Humming Stops ]
Confound it!
The batteries are dead!
This one's getting through.
[ Riddler ]
It is. It's getting through.
[ expl*si*n ]
- Yo-ho-ho-ho!
- Yo-ho-ho-ho!
Surface, Mr. Bluebeard.
Surface.
Let us feast our eyes
on the watery remains.
[ Both Laughing ]
Gosh, Batman, the nobility
of the almost-human porpoise.
True, Robin. It was noble
ofthat animal...
to hurl himself into the path
ofthat final torpedo.
He gave his life for ours.
Operator, please give me the Pentagon
in Washington, Navy Department.
- Oops. Too bad.
- [ Rings ]
Admiral Fangschliester's office.
Hello. Batman speaking.
- Oh, hello.
- Who is it?
- Batman.
- Oh, Batman.
Hello, Batman. Ahoy.
What can I do foryou?
Hello, Admiral.
A routine question.
Have you recently sold any w*r surplus
submarines? And if so, to whom?
Oh, just a moment.
I'll have to look that up.
** [ Whistling: "Anchors Aweigh" ]
Keep practicing.
** [ Whistling Resumes ]
- [ Tiddlywinks Plinking ]
- Answer affirmative, Batman.
We disposed of a w*r surplus submarine
last Friday— a preatomic model.
To some chap named P.N. Gwynne.
- P.N. Gwynne?
- The Penguin.
Did this P.N. Gwynne
leave an address?
No. Just a post office box number.
Would you like it?
No, thank you, Admiral.
You've been very helpful.
Avast and belay, Batman.
Your tone sounds rather grim.
We haven't done
anything foolish, have we?
Disposing of preatomic submarines...
to persons who don't even
leave their full addresses?
Good day, Admiral.
[ Line Clicks ]
Gosh.
The Penguin in command
ofa preatomic submarine.
Grave situation, Robin.
- If only we knew what he was up to, what he was—
- [ Rumbling ]
Holy Polaris!
From that submarine, no doubt.
That m*ssile!
Look, it's written something.
[ Robin ] A riddle—
in the form ofa joke.
Let's race back
to headquarters, Robin.
You know what this means, don't you?
[ Tires Screech ]
[ Commissioner ]
Our blackest fears confirmed.
Penguin, Joker, Riddler- those three
supercriminals, their forces combined.
For heaven only knows
what infamous objective.
It may be worse
than that, gentlemen.
- [ Commissioner ] Worse?
- Saints alive. How can that be?
Look at this pair ofjoking riddles.
"What does a turkey do
when he flies upside down?"
- He gobbles up.
- Of course.
And number two.
"What weighs six ounces,
sits in a tree and is very dangerous?"
- A sparrow with a machine g*n.
- Yes, ofcourse.
Now combine both answers.
What kind ofcreature
would gobble up a bird in a tree?
Heaven protect us!
- A cat! - A cat!
- Yes, gentlemen.
The criminal catalyst
in this entire affair-
our old archenemy Catwoman.
Penguin, Joker, Riddler
and Catwoman too.
The sum of the angles ofthat rectangle
is too monstrous to contemplate.
We've been given
the plainest warning.
- They're working together to take over-
- To take over what, Batman?
- Gotham City?
- Any two of them might try that.
The whole country?
If it were three of them,
I would say yes. But four?
Their minimum objective must be...
the entire world.
[ Catwoman ] The United World Building,
dear comrades in crime.
Our objective- the Security Council.
Sitting like fat birds in a tree,
just waiting to be snatched.
And you bungled it again!
Again the Dynamic Duo
escaped our trap!
Faugh! Passing porpoises
which intercept torpedoes.
There ought to be
a piscatorial statute.
Time is getting short!
We've got to get Batman
before he gets us.
Mmm. Perhaps I could lure him
into the fatal embrace...
ofa giant exploding octopus.
You silly bird! They've just been through
one of your fishy explosions.
- And they're still in one piece.
- Indeed?
I suppose they'll be broken up
by your moldyjokes.
- Aw—
- Shut up, all of you!
I see the way to do it.
We'll play each of our
treacherous trumps in one hand...
and we'll do it right here.
- How?
- How? The end.
The end. Oh, boy.
[ High-pitched Giggling ]
We shall spring them
from theJoker'sjack-in-the-box...
through that window,
out over the sea...
and into the waiting arms...
of the Penguin's exploding octopus.
[ Giggling ]
The trigger?
One of my riddles, of course.
And the bait?
[ Exclaims ] You, Catwoman.
You're mad, Riddler.
The minute Batman spots her,
he'll bop her with a batarang.
You don't understand,Joker.
She will be disguised as Kitka.
And as Kitka, she shall lure
some millionaire into a kidnap trap—
Ofcourse. With a clever clue
pointing here.
Oh! Which will make Batman
race to the rescue.
- Capital!
- [ Riddler Giggles ]
But who are we going to kidnap?
Ah. I know the perfect victim.
I know the perfect victim.
I know the perfect— Bruce Wayne...
the millionaire head ofthat disgusting
do-gooding Wayne Foundation.
[ Cackling ]
Ooh! Delicious!
Just the sort of square citizen
Batman will dash to rescue.
- Then snap!
- Into the combination trap.
Purr-fect, Riddler.
Purr-fect. Mmm!
Comrade Wayne, my name is Kitanya
Irenya Tatanya Karenska Alisoff.
I'm from the MoscowBugle.
My friends call me Kitka.
Kitka.
Kitka— a charming acronym.
Thank you, Comrade Wayne.
You know, the fame
of the Wayne Foundation...
is known from Leningrad
to Kamchatka.
It works for peace
and understanding.
Why, your own picture has appeared
countless times in the MoscowBugle.
I'm most grateful.
I wasn't aware ofthat.
Oh, da. Da
You say you found these riddles
written on Wayne Foundation stationery...
slipped under the door
of your borrowed penthouse apartment?
Yes, Comrade Wayne.
That is why I brought them to you.
At first, I thought
it was some foolishness.
But then I remembered—
Is there not a bourgeois criminal cad
in this country called the Riddler...
who preys upon
the workers ofAmerica?
- Yourjargon is quaint, Miss Kitka.
- [ Chuckles ]
But, uh, there is
such a creature, I believe.
Well, what do we do now...
report these riddles
to your police or-
or perhaps to that
masked Cossack Batman?
Well, that's hardly
necessary at the moment.
Doubtless it's the work
ofsome harmless crank.
Nevertheless, shall we
give this matter...
further consideration
over dinner tonight?
Oh, what a purr-fectly lovely idea.
I'll telephone,
ifyou'll excuse me...
to cancel a previous engagement.
Alfred will see you to the door.
Do vechara.
Do vechara, Comrade Wayne.
- Oh, Alfred.
- Yes, sir?
See Miss Kitka out, please.
Take the service elevator.
- Meet me in the Batcave. Emergency.
- Very good, sir. Yes.
Robin, listen to these riddles.
Tell me ifyou
interpret them as I do.
One. What has yellow skin
and writes?
- A ballpoint banana.
- Right.
Two. What people
are always in a hurry?
Rushing people?
Russians.
Right again. Now, what
would you say they mean?
Banana. Russian.
I've got it!
Someone Russian is gonna slip
on a banana peel and break their neck.
Precisely, Robin—
the only possible meaning.
A clear thr*at to Miss Kitka's life.
- Who?
- Miss Kitka.
The charming Russian journalist
for the Moscow Bugle.
In some baffling way, she must have
unwittingly stumbled on the criminals' plot.
What is the scheme, sir?
Tonight, Bruce Wayne
will go out on the town with Miss Kitka.
A not displeasing chore, sir.
Indeed, Alfred.
I've rarely met a girl...
who is such a potent argument
in favor of international relations.
However, you and Robin will dog
our footsteps in the Batmobile.
- You'll keep constant watch via the
micro-TV bat scanner. - [ Robin ] Sure.
Ifthe Riddler tries to make good
on his filthy thr*at—
I'll bash him brutally.
- Then we close in for the k*ll with the police.
- Precisely.
- Alfred, do you have your driver's license?
- In my wallet, sir.
Good man. Drive carefully.
Good luck. Good hunting.
This may prove to be
a most memorable night.
[ Steam Hissing ]
**[ "Ochi Chyornye" ]
- ** [ Singing In French, Romantic ]
- ** [ Accordion Playing ]
- ** [ Singing Continues ]
- ** [ Accordion Continues ]
This curtain which separates
our countries is so foolish.
Ifwe could just
contrive some way...
of getting more deeply
involved with each other.
Oh, da.
Da We must search
for such a method.
[ Whispering, Indistinct ]
- [ Flips Switch ]
- [ Whispering On Speaker, Stops ]
I don't think it's right
for us to listen in to this, Alfred.
I mean, some things have to be private,
even for a crime fighter.
Your discretion is admirable,
Master Robin. Yes.
- Time for another check-in, is
it not, Master Robin? - Roger.
- [ Beeping ]
- Commissioner.
Yes? Oh.
[ Coughs ]
Yes, Boy Wonder?
Batmobile position:
Gotham Central Park...
proceeding south on West Drive.
About to pass
Benedict Arnold Monument.
Great Scott.
Still in the park?
It's been almost an hour.
What the devil are they doing?
No comment, Commissioner.
Let'sjust say, no sign
ofcriminal activity.
Uh, yes, I understand.
I've just thought
ofa clever ruse, Commissioner.
Send Chief O'Hara up to the roof
and have him flash the bat signal.
Well, certainly, ifyou
say so, Boy Wonder. But why?
When the crooks see it, they'll figure
Batman and I are racing to headquarters.
Thinking we're out of the way
might make them play into our hands...
with an immediate strike
at Miss Kitka.
Clever. Devilishly clever.
Thank you, sir.
Batmobile over and out.
- Right.
- [ Handset Settles In Cradle ]
Chief O'Hara. Dash to the roof.
Flash the bat signal.
Yes, sir.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, shades ofSmolensk.
What is that?
[ Bruce ]
Incredible. I don't-
Ah, of course.
- How clever.
- Clever, Comrade Wayne?
I mean clever device, Miss Kitka.
It's the famous bat signal flashed
from the roofof police headquarters.
- Oh. - Batman and Robin must be
racing there now in response to it.
Then you did get the police
to call them in.
- For my protection.
- Hmm?
- Yes. Yes.
- Oh.
How purr-fectly wonderful of you.
Mmm! I close my eyes...
and I dream of all those
savage Cossacks...
racing over the steppes
on their brutal mission.
Mmm.
How strange.
I close my eyes,
and I dream of something...
quite astonishingly different.
Da, da.
Keep your eyes closed.
Continue with this dream.
[ Bruce ]
The dream continues.
Da. Da.
[ Meowing: Morse Code ]
- It approaches a climax.
- No. Nyet.
Not so fast.
Be more slow.
- Miss Kitka.
- Hmm?
May I see you home
to that borrowed penthouse apartment?
- [ Meowing: Morse Code ]
- He swallowed the cat bait.
[ Laughs ]
And now to make him bat bait.
Finks Morgan, Bluebeard and Quetch,
break out thejet-pack umbrellas.
- [ Finks ] Yo-ho-ho, sir!
- [ Quacks ]
Excuse me.
I'll slip into something more comfortable
while your cocoa is warming.
[ Murmurs ]
[ Flips Switch ]
Is that prudent, Master Robin?
Our instructions were to keep watch.
I don't know
about prudent, Alfred...
but it's sure as heck
the only decent thing to do.
Hmm. Perhaps.
Yes. Yes.
[ Engines Whirring ]
[ Quacking ]
[ Cackling ]
- [ Quacking ]
- Ah! There it is!
Seventy-third Street and Concord Avenue.
[ Giggles ]
Follow me.
Down to the terrace.
- [ Riddler ] Ho!
- [Joker Cackling ]
"And all my days are trances...
"and all my nightly dreams are
where thy dark eye glances...
and where thy footstep gleams. "
[ Speaking Russian ]
... Comrade Wayne.
Edgar Allan Poe, Miss Kitka.
"To One in Paradise. "
First stanza.
About that dream you had.
- Do we dare?
- Why not?
Yes, of course.
Why not?
Ofwhat use is a dream
if not a blueprint for courageous action?
Oh! Into action, comrade. Mmm!
Miss Kitka, I have
the strangest feeling...
that I am about to be
utterly and madly carried away.
- [ Footsteps Shuffling ]
- [ Door Bursts Open ]
- Aha! Aha!
- This is a kidnapping!
Ourjoke's on you!
[ Cackles ]
- [ Riddler Giggles ]
- You filthy criminals.
[ All Grunting, Groaning ]
[ Hissing ]
[ Cackling, Giggling, Laughing ]
[ Exhales ]
- Much as one deplores indiscretion, Master Robin—
- You're right, Alfred.
I'll just take one tiny, tiny peek.
[ Flips Switch ]
- [ Gasps ] Holy demolition!
- Bless my dustpan!
Cover the exits, Alfred.
I'll race up there with my bat rope.
- Very good, sir.
- [ Engines Whirring ]
Holy Halloween!
[ Giggling ]
[ Catwoman Yowling ]
[ Laughing ]
Huh! Strange. Batman should
have been here hours ago.
Perhaps you didn't leave
a clear-enough clue in your apartment.
Of course I did. I can't understand
why Batman hasn't dashed into our trap.
[ Cackling ]
It's all set.
He puts his foot here,
my secretjack-in-the-box fires...
sh**ting him out through the window,
out over the sea...
into the waiting arms
of Penguin's exploding octopus.
[ Cackling ]
What a deliciously humorous trajectory.
And nothing to link us
with the crime.
- [ Giggling ] - [
Quacking ] - [ Yowling ]
You abominable outlaws.
What have you done with Miss Kitka?
She's quite well, Mr. Wayne.
I swear, by heaven,
ifyou've harmed that girl...
I'll k*ll you all.
I'll rend you limb from limb!
[ Quacks ]
[ Cackling ]
Mr. Wayne, must you be so impulsive?
- [ Giggling ]
- [ Quacking ]
Where is she, Catwoman?
Show me Miss Kitka...
or I'll wreck this place
with my dying breath!
Blindfold the c*ptive.
Lead him down the labyrinthine path
to Chamber .
[ Cackling ]
[ Quacking ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Quacking ]
- Two minutes. No more.
- [ Quacks ]
[ Cackling ]
- Turn on the secret microphone.
- Yo-ho!
Quiet. Quiet.
- Miss Kitka.
- Comrade Wayne.
- Are you all right?
- Da. Da.
I'll curse myself
forever, Miss Kitka.
This nasty soup we're in
is largely of my own brewing.
If I hadn't let your beauty
lull me off guard—
Off guard, comrade?
There are some things
I cannot disclose, Miss Kitka.
Suffice it to say that we're in the hands
of the underworld's most vicious foursome.
[ On Speaker ]
I fear we have...
nothing to look forward to but death.
It may not be that black,
Comrade Wayne.
Batman and Robin are
probably hot on our trail.
From something
I happened to overhear...
I think we are merely
bait for Batman.
Once he is in their trap,
we will be released.
A slender hope, Miss Kitka.
More slender than you can know.
You do not think
Batman will get here?
That I cannot say.
Tell me. Did you
overhear any mention...
ofany other prisoner
ofthis rotten g*ng?
No, I did not, Mr. Wayne.
- [ Exhales ]
- Who on earth could you mean?
[ Bell Rings ]
Commodore Schmidlapp
ringing for his tea.
Oh, just a thought.
It doesn't matter.
A speedy escape is our only hope.
A moment while I think.
- [ Bell Rings ]
- I've got it. Why didn't I think of it sooner?
Ofwhat, Comrade Wayne?
Up my left sleeve...
I have a tiny radio transmitter
strapped above my elbow.
- What a curious device to carry.
- Not at all, Miss Kitka.
Capitalists like myself
who carry large sums of money...
often have such safety contrivances.
If I can just get at it.
Quickly. Wiggle around back to back.
Maybe you can reach it
with your fingers.
Da.
Let's get him.
[ Cackling ]
There we are.
You think you're pretty clever,
don't you, Mr. Wayne?
Clever enough to outwit you,
you stupid thug.
Well, we'll see about that.
Dear colleagues,
let's see what's strapped...
about this fellow's left elbow,
shall we? [ Cackles ]
[ Bruce ]
Credulous creatures!
I knew you'd be listening in.
I told you that fish story
about a radio-
Get him, you mollycoddles!
[ Screaming ]
[ Grunts ]
[ All Grunting ]
Miss— Miss Kitka, where are you?
[ Grunting Continues ]
- Great day in the morning! -
Bruce! - Hello, Commissioner.
Come on, d*ck. We're late for that
important demonstration at the fish hatchery.
- Roger.
- Excuse us, Commissioner.
Great Scott! You can't dash off now.
Where were you held? How did you escape?
I escaped with the aid of Batman.
Thank goodness the Caped Crusader
got there in time!
Yes, Commissioner, and you'd better
return to police headquarters.
He may wish to call you there.
Good day, Commissioner.
[ Engine Starts ]
[ Tires Screech ]
And so, my fine,
"finkish" friends...
you have heard
my astounding proposal.
What do you say?
[ Quacking ]
What do you say?
One thing is certain.
Our strike cannot be postponed.
We're at the mercy
of the Gotham River tide.
[ Cackling ]
Riddler's right for once.
It's now or never
ifwe're to get through the channel.
Well, make up your minds!
The Batman will never come here now.
But the police will— any instant.
So, to the Penguin's
princely plan...
is it yes or no?
I say it's crazy.
But I say let's try it. We have to do
something to get Batman out of the way.
Oh, go ahead, Penguin.
Mr. Joker, would you
drop one of your little dream pills...
into Commodore Schmidlapp's tea?
- Mmm! Presto!
- And then carry him down to the submarine.
- Yo-ho!
- [ Quacks ]
Mr. Riddler, will you
tell Mr. Quetch...
- to fetch the five guinea pigs?
- Ah!
[ Penguin Quacking ]
- Quetch, fetch the five guinea pigs.
- Yo-ho!
[ Quacking Continues ]
- Oh. Oh.
- [ Quacks, Laughs ]
- [ Quacking ]
- [ Riddler Giggling ]
[ All ]
Yo-ho-ho, sir!
- Now, my fine, fishy finks...
- [ Giggles ]
you see here Commodore Schmidlapp's
pièce de no résistance—
an instant whiskey maker.
[ Giggling ] Waiting for us
to put it to more universal use.
[ Chuckles, Clears Throat ]
Now, don't be afraid.
You will feel nothing.
Now I am merely going
to temporarily extract...
every bit of moisture
from your body.
[ Quacking Laugh ]
It's a painless operation.
- [ Penguin Quacks ]
- Oh!
[ Penguin Exclaims ]
- [ Penguin Quacking ]
- [ Riddler Giggles ]
- [ Riddler Giggling ]
- [ Penguin Quacking ]
[ Giggling ]
- [ Quacking Loudly ]
- [ Giggling ]
- Delightful!
- Dehydrated.
Catwoman— Catwoman,
will you get a dustpan...
and put every one of them
very carefully into a separate vial?
- Ooh! All right.
- [ Quacking ]
Mr. Riddler, would you prepare
the submarine to get under way...
while I prepare
a demolition charge...
ofterrifying thrust
to welcome the police?
- Where do we meet?
- United World Building.
- United World Building.
- On the Gotham East River.
- East River.
- Thirty-ninth floor.
- Thirty-ninth floor.
- I'll be waiting at the elevator.
- One hour? One hour.
- One hour.
[ Quacking ]
Here you are.
Oh, what mere
criminal genius, Catwoman!
Who else but a genius
could conceive such an audacious plot...
to deliberately trick
Batman and Robin...
into inviting me
into their secret Batcave...
with five dehydrated,
death-dealing pirates at my command?
- [ Quacking ]
- [ Meows ]
Careful, careful.
[ Quacking ]
Every one of them has a mother.
[ Brakes Squeal ]
Out batarang and bat rope.
Stand clear.
[ Panting ]
When you think, Batman,
with people in weird outfits—
like the four supercrooks
hanging around here—
it's amazing someone hasn't already
reported this place to the police.
It's a low neighborhood,
full of rumpots.
They're used to curious sights,
which they attribute to alcoholic delusions.
Gosh, drinking's sure
a filthy thing, isn't it?
- I'd rather be dead than unable
to trust my own eyes. - Uh-huh.
You're right, honey.
There was somebody walking up the wall.
Ready with superblinding
bat pellets.
- Away, Robin. Away!
- But-But—
Come on, Batman!
Batman!
Miss Kitka! Miss Ki—
** [ "Bringing In the Sheaves" ]
Oh!
[ Mutters ]
[ Patrons Laughing, Shouting ]
Quick! Everyone,
flee foryour lives!
- [ Screaming ]
- Into the street!
[ Screaming Continues ]
[ Woman Screams ]
[ Screaming Continues ]
** [ Hymn Continues ]
- Look out! Look out, please!
- [ Woman Shrieks ]
** [ Hymn ]
[ Cheeping ]
Some days, you just can't
get rid of a b*mb.
[ expl*si*n ]
Batman!
Batman!
It's all right, Robin.
Holy heart failure!
Fortunately, I was able to dispose
ofthat b*mb in the nick oftime...
and shield myself
behind these heavy iron pipes.
You risked your life to save
that riffraff in the bar?
They may be drinkers, Robin,
but they're also human beings...
and may be salvaged.
I had to do it.
But we've lost the trail ofthat angelic
Miss Kitka. Stranded without a clue.
[ Imitating Commodore ]
Ahoy there.
Could you chaps
direct me to a policeman?
Commodore Schmidlapp's the name.
Big Ben Distilleries, you know.
Holy costume party.
That's the Penguin.
- Obviously.
- What's his game? I wonder.
What's your game, Penguin?
Penguin?
[ Quacking ]
No, my name's Schmidlapp,
old boy. Schmidlapp.
Your fingerprints
will settle that hash, Penguin.
We'll check them against
our mobile anticrime file in our Batmobile.
- Let's see your hands.
- [ Quacking ]
Looks like...
plastic-coated fingertips.
Yes, I scorched myself
pressing a waistcoast.
I do believe that the attending surgeon
did use plastic, yes.
It looks bad, Batman.
This brassy bird has us buffaloed.
Not quite, Robin.
There's one method of identification
which no criminal can evade.
Retinal eye patterns?
He's right, Robin.
The pattern of myriad, tiny blood vessels...
in the retina of the eye—
as individual as a fingerprint.
But don't you have a complete
anti-criminal eye pattern master file...
in your fabulous Batcave?
- Why don't you take me there?
- You'd be willing to submit yourselfto a test?
Why, ofcourse. It might be an amusing
experience, don't you know?
Stand by to catch him, Robin.
I'll give him the bat gas.
Oh-ho, what's that?
Ba-Bat gas?
A harmless anesthetic...
necessary to prevent you
from seeing the entrance to the Batcave.
Ifanyone knew that, they could pierce
the secret of our true identities.
Ready, Commodore?
Oh, I say. What deucedly strange customs
you colonials have. [ Chuckles ] What?
Well, I'm ready.
[ Sprays ]
To the Batmobile. This could be
the break we've been looking for.
[ Tires Screeching ]
[ Brakes Squeal ]
He's the Penguin, all right.
- I wonder why he let us bring him here.
- We'll soon find out.
- I'll set up the anticrime eye checker.
- Stay on the alert, Robin.
After I give him the bat wake,
we must be ready for anything.
[ Snoring ]
[ Grunts, Loud Quacking ]
[ Drops Imitation ]
Well, now.
Oh, it's you.
[ Chuckles ]
We're here, eh? I see.
[ Resumes Imitation ]
Oh, I s- This—
Oh, say!
This is extraordinary!
It's absolutely extraordinary!
I must say that your laboratory...
exceeds the limits
of man's wildest imagination!
Absolutely. And could I trouble you
for a glass ofwater?
Your bat gas seems to have
left me with a somewhat...
[ Smacks Lips ]
parched sensation.
Over there. The drinking water
dispenser is clearly marked.
Oh, yeah. Thank you.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you very much, sir.
Thank you, sir. [ Laughs ]
Help yourself, Commodore.
Slake your thirst.
You'll have worse than a parched sensation
when we're through with you.
[ Drops Imitation ] Perhaps, perhaps.
But I am appalled by your attitude, sir.
I mean, condemning me before the facts
have been authoritatively established.
Yes. You are abrogating...
my constitutional rights, sir.
- All set, Batman.
- Come on, Penguin.
Time to rip offyour false feathers.
Coming, Batman.
I am coming at once.
[ Quacking ]
- Holy hallucination!
- I wish it were, Robin, but it's not.
It's five dehydrated pirates-
rehydrated.
At 'em, me hearties!
Shiver 'em from stem to stern!
[ All ]
Yo-ho-ho, sir!
[ Penguin Quacks ]
att*ck them, you faltering fink!
[ Sniffs, Quacks ]
The pirates- they're gone!
Popped like balloons! How'd it happen?
Whoever dehydrated those pirates...
could not have foreseen
their accidental rehydration...
with the heavy water
we use in recharging the atomic pile!
Which naturally left them
in a highly unstable condition!
You saw it yourself, Robin.
The slightest impact
was sufficient...
to instantly reduce them
to antimatter.
Antimatter?
You mean they...
won't be coming back?
No, Robin.
Not in this universe.
Let that be an object lesson...
in the dangers oftampering with
the laws of Mother Nature.
My apologies, Commodore Schmidlapp.
It's clear that I've done you
a cruel injustice.
- You have?
- You were duped, brainwashed.
The criminals planted
those dehydrated thugs on your person.
You were obviously
under the influence...
of posthypnotic suggestion
when you rehydrated them.
Come on down, Commodore.
Another sniffof bat gas,
and we'll all return to the city.
[ Quacking ]
Are you sure you didn't hurt your head
in that fight, Batman?
Perfectly.
Swallow this pill.
Now give our friend here
a whiff of bat wake.
[ Snorts, Quacks ]
Good morning.
- [ Engine Shudders ]
- [ Tires Screech ]
- What's wrong, Batman?
- Manifold pressure's dropping.
I think we'd better stop and check.
[ Engine Sputtering ]
Sorry about that, Commodore.
- Won't take a minute.
- Oh, yes, it will!
- Hey!
- [ Grumbles ]
[ Quacks ]
Yo-ho!
And away we go in my "Birdmobile"!
One side, Caped Crusader.
[ Tires Screech ]
- You okay, Robin? - I sure am, Batman,
thanks to that anti-Penguin gas pill.
The pompous fool.
He's played right into our hands.
Quickly.
Via Batcycle to the Batcopter.
We'll track him
to the g*ng's new hideout.
[ Engine Starts ]
Disengage go-cart.
Bat scanner tracking
the stolen Batmobile perfectly.
Port, two degrees.
And steady as she goes.
Yo-ho!
Port, two degrees!
[ Cackles ]
We're almost there.
- Oh. Oh. [ Giggles ]
- Hey, Riddler, where are you going?
To fire offsome more
of my riddling clues, of course.
- Riddler!
- Yes?
You're mad, Riddler.
Penguin's finished Batman by now.
That miserable, waddling
mountebank of a bird.
He couldn't finish a bag of popcorn.
[ Giggling ]
So, say Penguin failed. All the more reason
not to hand them your crazy clues.
Oh, but I must. I must.
Oh, outwitting Batman is my sole delight...
myjoy, my heaven on Earth...
my very paradise.
- [ Giggling ]
- Riddler! Come back!
Stolen Batmobile turning.
Now heading up Gotham River Drive.
Voilà.
Batman! Polaris-type m*ssile
coming right for us.
Hold tight, Robin.
This may be tricky.
- Damage?
- The tail rotor disengaged.
Brace yourself, Robin.
We're going down.
This could be the end.
[ Exclaims ]
Ooh, ooh!
[ Giggling ]
Now to find my riddling Polaris skywriter.
[ Giggling Continues ]
Look! Look!
The Dynamic Duo!
- [ Cackling ] - [
Giggling ] - [ Yowling ]
I got them.
I got them.
[ Soft Thud ]
Holy horseshoe!
Some luck, landing right on top
of a bed offoam rubber.
Yes, Robin.
I'd say the odds against it...
would make even
the most reckless gambler cringe.
True, I did think I'd spotted it
out of the corner of my eye.
- [ expl*si*n ]
- But—
That crazy m*ssile- It wrote
two more riddles before it blew up.
[ Batman ]
"What goes up white...
and comes down yellow and white"?
An egg!
[ Batman ]
"How do you divide seventeen apples...
among sixteen people?"
- Make applesauce.
- Apples into applesauce—
a unification
into one smooth mixture.
An egg—
nature's perfect container...
the container
ofall our hopes for the future.
A unification
and a container of hope?
- United World Organization!
- Precisely, Robin!
And there's a special meeting
of the Security Council today.
- Ifwhat I fear is true-
- Wow! Let's commandeer a taxi!
No, Robin!
Not at this time ofday.
Luckily, we're in tip-top condition.
It'll be faster ifwe run.
Let's go!
[ Sonar Pinging ]
We are now passing
through the grotto.
- [ Quetch ] Depth: a halffathom.
- [ Bluebeard ] Engines: dead slow astern.
[ Quetch ]
Yo-ho! Dead slow astern.
[ Yowling ]
[ Sonar Pinging ]
Ah, good.
Just as the blueprints said—
an abandoned construction elevator.
- Hecate, sniffout the weak spot.
- [ Giggling ]
[ Yowling ]
- I hope Penguin made it.
- Who needs him?
- Stand back.
- [ Yowling Continues ]
[ Cackles ]
Hey! Can't you read?
Fine day for penguins.
Looks like rain.
[ Quacking ]
[ Quacking Continues ]
[ Quacking Continues ]
[ Quacking Continues ]
[ Grunts ]
Yo-ho! My criminal coconspirators.
We meet as planned.
And, no thanks to you,
the Dynamic Duo has been silenced forever.
- [ Quacks ] - And blasted out of the sky
by an incredible coincidence.
Oh, the delicious irony of it all.
Downed by one of Riddler's
Polaris skywriters.
- Oh, happy happenstance!
- [ Cackles ]
Now, hold your breath
as we cross the hall.
There are still lingering traces
of my finely filtered Penguin gas.
- [ All Inhale ]
- [ Quacks ]
Holy marathon!
I'm getting a stitch, Batman.
Let's hope it's a stitch in time, Robin,
that saves nine-
the nine members
of the United World Security Council.
[ All Arguing, Shouting ]
- [ Speaking Hebrew ]
- [ Speaking Spanish ]
- [ Speaking French ]
- [ Speaking African Language ]
Gentlemen, it is the considered opinion
of Her Majesty's Government...
that we pursue peace at all costs.
[ Arguing, Shouting ]
Our poor, united world in microcosm.
[ Cackling ] I'm afraid
they'll find our humor very, very dry.
Gentlemen, my country
understands your position...
but in the interest of peace,
we must—
[ SpeakingJapanese ]
- [ Speaking German ]
- We are doing everything in our possible power.
[ Speaking Russian ]
[ Arguing, Shouting Continue ]
Gentlemen, it has always
been our policy to maintain—
[Joker Cackling ]
[ All Laughing ]
- [ Quacking ]
- [ Meows ]
Quickly now!
Each one in a separate vial.
And, boys, don't anybody sneeze.
[ All Laughing ]
Emergency!
Seal this building!
- And turn off the ventilating system!
- Robin's right.
The entire Security Council
may have been dehydrated.
Emergency, operator!
Emergency! Get me security!
Emergency, operator!
Emergency! Get me security!
- Up. Up. Up. Up. Up. "Up"!
- [ Door Buzzes ]
[ Cackling ]
Surrender, you criminals!
United Underworld is through!
Faugh! What's this, an apparition?
One false move, and you'll find out.
We'll hurl our batarangs.
- To the elevator, boys!
- Catwoman, stop, I said!
I don't think you mean that, Batman.
Miss Kitka dies
ifyou take one more step. Go!
This way, Robin!
The Security Council— gone!
What a fiendishly clever way to abduct
nine men from a heavily guarded building.
Where does that elevator go?
Downstairs, obviously...
to an abandoned submarine dock
on the river.
Holy Captain Nemo!
They'll head for sea
by way of Short Island Sound.
We have just one
Tr*mp card left, Robin.
- Heaven help the world ifwe fail.
- [ Sighs ]
Come on!
[ Sonar Pinging ]
Down periscope.
We're over the last bar.
Mr. Bluebeard,
all engines full ahead.
[ Bluebeard ]
Yo-ho! All engines full ahead.
[ Catwoman Meows ]
- What a delightful haul!
- [ Cackling ]
Mr. Riddler, will you kindly prepare
those nine radio ransom messages?
- All right, all right.
- And none of your stupid riddles. Do you understand?
Make those messages plain.
One billion dollars cash
from each country.
Precisely, Mr. Riddler.
To be delivered to our secret island...
by the horde oftrained
carrier pigeons...
which I shall presently provide.
But no whimsical embellishments, please.
Make those messages clear!
[ Cackles ]
"Make those messages clear!"
- [ Giggling ]
- [ Cackling ]
[ Cackling Continues ]
- Ooh, it's like a dream, Pengy, sweet.
- Mm-hmm.
- Nothing can stop us now.
- [ Quacks ]
Sonar contact.
Range: , . Bearing: - - .
Yo-ho! Sonar contact.
Small craft at , .
Bearing: - .
What? Small craft?
It's moving incredibly fast, sir.
Range is down to , .
- It's the Batboat!
- Faugh! Drat that cockleshell!
Mr. Bluebeard, steady
on the diving plane.
[ Bluebeard ]
Yo-ho! Steady on the diving plane!
- I'll man the torpedo tubes.
- [ Mutters ]
Mr. Riddler, would you fire
a surface-to-surface underwater homing m*ssile?
- Ah.
- [ Quacks ]
- [ Meowing ]
- [ Laughs ]
m*ssile ahoy!
Looks like it has a homing device
in its nose cone.
Get ready for evasive action.
No use, Batman.
It's tracking us.
Here. Take my bat radio.
I looked it up this morning.
That class of m*ssile receives
on a wavelength of . .
. .
Quickly now.
Send a jamming signal.
[ Beeping ]
- [ m*ssile Sputtering ]
- It's starting down.
Farewell, Batman!
- [ Quacking ]
- [ Cackling ] Farewell, Dynamic Duo!
Holy bikini!
That was close!
[ All Laughing ]
[ Quetch ]
Yo-ho. Small craft still closing.
Range: , .
Bearing: - .
Faugh! They know
how to jam our missiles!
[ Exclaims ]
Up to periscope depth!
- Yo-ho! Up to periscope depth!
- [ Quacks ]
[ Sonar Pinging ]
- Range: , .
- Get the bat charge launcher.
Roger.
They hold nine of the world's
most eminent men in dehydrated condition.
Our task is not to sink that sub,
merely to drive it to the surface.
[ Chuckles, Coughs ]
Forward torpedo tubes.
Prepare to fire.
Yo-ho! Forward torpedo tubes.
Prepare to fire.
Five, four...
three, two—
Torpedoes-
[ Quacks ] fire!
Torpedoes— fire!
Torpedoes away!
[ Cackles ]
- Dive, Mr. Bluebeard! Dive!
- Yo-ho, dive!
- Down periscope!
- Down periscope.
Torpedo wakes off the port bow.
Prepare to fire bat charges
in front oftorpedoes when in range.
[ Quacking ]
[ Signal Hums ]
Faugh!
That's too soon!
It must be bat charges.
And that means there'll be more
of the dreaded things meant for us!
You dismal bird! You and your submarine!
Where's it got us now?
Shut up, you feline floozy!
Mr. Bluebeard, down fathoms!
Run silent, run deep.
They're diving. Engines
being switched to silent.
We'll circle them
at full-thrust bat speed...
- diminishing radius ofcurvature.
- Roger.
- Mr. Quetch, what's their bearing?
- I don't know, sir.
- What? You don't know?
- It's changing every second.
They must be circling us.
Fire when ready, Robin.
I'll maintain curvature.
[ Coughs, Quacking ]
[ Signal Hums ]
[ All Shouting ]
[ All Shouting ]
[ Signal Hums ]
[ All Shouting ]
[ Shouting Continues ]
Yo-ho!
Compartments "A," "B" and "C"
taking green water, sir.
[ Screams ] Penguin! Penguin,
you know I can't take water!
Oh, you cowardly kitten!
Do you want to live forever?
- [ Whistle Piping ]
- [ Quacks ]
This bird has flown around the bend.
To cuckoo-land!
Oh, Riddler, Joker, do something!
We weren't meant for a watery grave!
Do something!
[ Shrieking ]
[ Whistle Piping ]
Now hear this!
Now hear this!
Blow all tanks!
Surface! Surface!
All right, Robin.
Cut the bat charges.
They've had about enough, I imagine.
You're right.
They're surfacing fast.
- Estimated surfacing position?
- yards.
Here they come.
Diminishing speed.
Ready to board.
Roger.
[ Cackling ]
Pirates, to arms!
- [ Cackling ]
- Prepare to repel boarders!
- [ Cackling Continues ]
- Strike your colors, Penguin.
Faugh! We have not yet
begun to fight! att*ck!
[ Cackling ]
[ Screams ]
- [ Shouting ]
- [ Cackling ]
[ Shouting ]
[ Quacking ]
[ Cat Meows ]
[ Cat Yowls ]
[ Screams ]
Bon voyage, p*ssy.
[ Shouting Continues ]
[ Meows ]
[ Quacking ]
- [ Cat Meows ]
- [ All Shouting ]
Holy heartbreak!
Miss Kitka!
- ** [ Woman Singing In French, Romantic ]
- ** [ Accordion Playing ]
** [ Fades Out ]
Batman, I—
Say no more, Robin.
It could be... compromising.
Ofcourse.
It'sjust...
one ofthose things...
in the life ofevery crime fighter.
It means nothing.
Snap on the bat cuffs.
Batman to Coast Guard.
Batman to Coast Guard.
There is a drifting submarine
two miles east ofSandy Nose Lightship.
It's filled with human jetsam.
Come. Take it in tow.
Robin, over here. Look.
The hope of the entire world,
tottering on the brink.
Holy almost.
To think it might have been
shattered before our very eyes.
- Up with you, Catwoman.
- The service on this yacht has gone to pot.
Where's my tea? And— What the devil is this,
the captain's costume party?
[ Sneezes ]
Holyjumble!
Where's the hope of the world now?
[ Beeping ]
Bat centrifuge at , r. p. m. 's.
Increase angstrom force in vector "X."
Vector "X" up one notch.
[ Phone Beeping ]
- Yes, Commissioner?
- What progress, Batman? Is there hope?
There's always hope.
You should know that, sir.
Ofcourse, of course. But...
do you think you and the Boy Wonder...
can separate that mingled dust
back into its constituent members?
With all modesty, Commissioner...
ifwe can't, heaven knows who can.
Truer words were never spoken.
[ Man ] Howdy, y'all.
How are those boys doin' up there?
Batman says there's hope, Mr. President.
What more can one ask?
The whole free world is waitin'.
Tell Batman I salute him
and wish him luck.
I needn't tell you, ladies and gentlemen,
with whom I have just spoken.
[ Flipping Switches ]
Ready for separation.
All right then.
I'll activate the computer link...
feed in the various
ethnic and national factors.
- Batman, wait a minute.
- What?
Well, with the way
the world is and all...
don't you think maybe we ought to try
to improve those factors...
kind of reshuffle them a little?
No, Robin. No.
It's not for mortals like us
to tamper with the laws of nature.
Indeed, in this very Batcave,
you saw a ghastly example...
ofwhat happens
when one tries to do that.
Gosh, yes, Batman.
When you put it that way-
Here we go.
[ Beeping Intensifies ]
[ Beeping Stops ]
- [ Beeping ]
- Yes?
Separation accomplished.
Ready to rehydrate.
Separation accomplished.
They are ready to rehydrate.
We are ready to rehydrate.
[ Man On P.A., Speaking Spanish ]
[ Man On P.A., Speaking Italian ]
[ Man On P.A., Speaking French ]
[ Man On P.A. ]
They are ready to rehydrate.
A solemn moment, gentlemen.
One ofdedication
and humble supplication.
Robin...
prepare to rehydrate.
Ready to rehydrate.
Turn on the water faucet.
[ Water Flowing ]
[ Water Dripping ]
[ All Arguing, Shouting ]
[ Arguing, Shouting Continue ]
Success! Success!
They've done it!
They've done it!
Success! Success!
We've done it! We've done it!
[ Man On P.A., Speaking Spanish ]
[ Man On P.A., Speaking Italian ]
[ Man On P.A., Speaking French ]
[ Man On P.A. ]
Success! Success!
[ All Arguing Shouting ]
[ SpeakingJapanese ]
[ Speaking Russian ]
- [ Shoe Pounding On Table ]
- What the-
Gentlemen, in the interest of peace,
you must hear me out. You must—
[ Speaking Hebrew ]
[ Speaking German ]
[ Continues In German ]
[ Speaking African Language ]
[ Speaking Spanish ]
Gentlemen, gentlemen,
it is absolutely imperative...
that we limit
our conversation to peace.
[ Speaking French ]
Écoutez. Écoutez, s'il vous plaît.
Who knows, Robin?
This strange mixing of minds...
may be the greatest single service
ever performed for humanity.
[ Arguing, Shouting Continue
In Various Languages ]
Let's go.
But inconspicuously.
Through the window.
We'll use our bat ropes.
Our job is finished.
[ Arguing, Shouting Continue ]
Batman (1966)
Moderator: Maskath3