02x15 - School Days

[bunniefuu]

♪ Green acres
is the place to be ♪

♪ farm livin'
is the life for me ♪

♪ land spreadin' out
so far and wide ♪

♪ keep Manhattan,
just give me
that countryside ♪

♪ New York is
where I'd rather stay ♪

♪ I get allergic
smelling hay ♪

♪ I just adore
a penthouse view ♪

♪ darling, I love you,
but give me park Avenue ♪

♪ the chores ♪

♪ the stores ♪

♪ fresh air ♪

♪ Times Square ♪

♪ you are my wife ♪

♪ goodbye, city life ♪

♪ green acres,
we are there ♪

Ah,
good morning, dear.

Good morning,
darling.

Oh, hotcake batter?

No, I'm not making
you hotcakes
this morning.

You're not?

I hope you're
not too disappointed.

Oh, a little bit,
but I'll get over it.

Oh, I could
whip you up some.

No, no, no.
Just go
right ahead with

whatever you're...
What is that mess?

It's a surprise.

Uh-huh.

I wonder if
I've paid up our
hospital insurance?

What brought that up?

Oh, I was just noticing
that pile of, uh...

[Clears throat]

You have any coffee?
On the stove.

Thank you.

Lisa, wha...

Oh, it always
does that when
the coffee spills over.

I guess it also
spilled over on
the cups and saucers.

No, that's glue.

I did that to keep
the cup and saucer
together.

So if you
break the cup,

the saucer goes, too.
Like that,

at the end of the day,
it comes out even
with cups and saucers.

Oh, yeah, well,
I guess that's a lot neater

than having a lot of
odd cups and saucers.

Lisa,

uh, I know you want to
keep it a surprise,

but what are you doing?

I'm making you
homemade bread.

Homemade bread?

Yes, I had a little trouble
with the cookbook.

They didn't explain
how to put the bread
in the wrapper,

but I figured that out.

You're gonna bake
the bread in the wrapper?

Of course.
Did you know

that you can't buy
empty bread wrappers?

You can't?

No.

So I had to buy 10 of these
with the bread in them.

What did you do with
the loaves of bread?

Oh, I'm saving it
to stuff a Turkey.

Oh.

Do you know
where we can buy
a 10-loaf Turkey?

A 10--

Lisa, when are
you going to learn
how to cook right?

Stop yelling.

I have a right to yell.

This--

one morning you
don't get your hotcakes,

and you turn
into be a beast.

That's not true.

I'm more of a beast
when I get them.

Just for that.
No homemade bread.

[Groans]

Lisa. Lisa,
wait a minute.

Lisa, where are you?

(Lisa)
I'm not going to tell you.

Oh, boy.

Now what do you
think you're doing?

I'm going away.

Where?

Anywhere they appreciate
my cooking.

Well, you're in for
a very long one...

Please, sit down.
Look, I apologize.

It isn't that
I don't appreciate
what you're trying to do.

It's just that
you don't know
what you're doing.

I'll take a trunk,
too.

No, no, wait.
No, no, no, no, no,
wait, wait. Shh.

Now, Lisa,
when I married you,
I knew you couldn't cook.

So you married me
for my money.

You didn't have
any money.

Well, you finally
threw that up to me.

I didn't marry you
for your cooking,
or for your money.

Then why did
you marry me?

I like girls.

Well, at least
you're honest.

Lisa, the fact that
you try to cook

shows that you'd
like to be a good cook.

It's just that you
have nobody to teach you.

Well, who can do that?

Well, i-I'm sure they've got
a domestic science class
at hooterville high.

Might be a good idea
for you to look into that.

All right, if that's
what you want.

It can't hurt.
All right.

Oliver, I have
a confession to make.

When I was
taking my suitcase, I
wasn't really going to leave.

I just wanted
to shake you up.

Well, I was real shook.

You were?

But not nearly as much
as when I saw you

try to shove that dough
into the bread wrapper.

Oliver.

Take it easy, Mac,
I'm not finished yet.

[Coughs]

Oh, are you all right?

Yes, ma'am, I'm fine.

Excuse me, could you
tell me where
the headmaster's office is?

Huh?
You know, the fellow
that runs the school.

Oh, you mean
the principal, "sourpuss."

Yeah, it's, uh,
right over there.
Thank you.

That's ok.

Oh, good morning.

Are you
the principal sourpuss?

My name is Russell.

But one of the boys said
that your name--

oh, one of the boys?

Do you remember which one?

No.

Well, won't you
sit down, Mrs., uh...

Uh, Douglas.
Oliver Wendell Douglas.

But everybody
calls me Lisa.

Do you have
a son or daughter
in our school?

No.

Then how can I help you?

My husband wants me
to take a course
in domestic sinus.

Sinus? Science.

Well, whatever it is,
as long as it's cooking.

Where do I go?

Well, you have to
enroll first.

Well, how do you
do that?

Just fill out
one of these applications.
Your address, name, age...

Age?

Do you have one
with different questions?

Well, you can just
put down 21 plus.

I was going
to put down minus.

Why don't you just
answer the questions
as close as you can

and we'll see
if we can get you started.

I wonder if any
of the other kids

get a kiss like this
when they come home
from school.

Well, i--

maybe I'll come
earlier tomorrow.

Look, look, look.
Maybe I won't even go.

Lisa, Lisa, please.

What took you so long?

You were just
supposed to enroll.

I had to take
an entrance exam
for the domestic sinus class.

Oh, science.

Yes, I had to show them
everything I know
how to cook.

You didn't make--

yes, that's why
I took so long.

They had to send
up to the chemistry class

for something
to take my batter
off the girdle.

In other words,
you didn't get into the class.

Yes,
only I have to start
from the beginning.

Well,
I thought they'd put you back
further than that.

Oliver,

a school child is supposed

to get encouragement
from her parent,

even if he is her husband.

I'm sorry.
Uh, what time is your class?

Which one?

Your domestic sinus--
uh, science class.

Oh, well,
I've my program
right here.

It's at, uh, at 2:00,
right after algebra.

Algebra?

You're taking--
besides algebra,

I have chemistry,
English literature,

ancient history and lunch.

Lisa, what are you taking
all those subjects for?

I have to carry
at least 16 units.

Otherwise, I can be drafted.

Oh, a couple of years
in the army might...

Lisa,
drop those other subjects.

I can't.

You have to carry
a full program,
otherwise you can't go.

Oh, all right.
Well, just concentrate
on domestic science then.

Learn to cook
as quickly as you can.

So we won't have
to eat any more
of those horrible...

Horrible what, Harry?

Uh, uh, I didn't
mean it that way.

No, I meant so we wouldn't
have to force down
any more of that soggy...

You did it again, Humphrey.

Lisa, i--

every time you
open your mouth,

you put your foot into it.

Well, I've gotta eat something
with some substance to it.

I'm getting beriberi.

Well, meyer.

If you're planning to show up
with your cold feets tonight,

forget it.

Lisa.

Lisa.

Oh, Lisa.

Oh, Lisa.

Just for that you can
iron your own mini blouse.

Oliver.

Oliver, get up.

Oh, Lisa, Lisa, please,
you've been at it all night.

It was just a joke
about the hotcake.

It's 6:00.
6:00?

What are you
doing up so early?

I have to go to school.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well I'll see you
when you get back.
Goodbye.

Lisa! Lisa!

You're making me seasick.

Oliver, you have to
drive me to school!

No, no,
you can take the car.
It's--

oh, you don't know
how to drive.

[Groaning]

I have to find
something to wear.

What about this one?

Yeah,
that'd be fine

if you're attending
a bartender's class.

Not this one.
This one.

Great.

Do you think this
is too much to wear
to high school?

No. They won't
think it's real.

They'll think you got it
out of an iron claw machine.

What's that?

Well, it's a machine
where you put a dime in

and the iron claw goes...

[Growling]

You can't buy a ring
like this for a dime.

No, I didn't think
you could.

My father laid out
an awful lot of drachmas
for this.

Do you know how much
that is in money?

Hmm?

It was his class ring.

His class ring?

Mmm-hmm.
He went to u.C.B.

University of California
at Budapest.

When the w*r started,

he smuggled it out
in a jar of chicken fat.

That's why it slides
off and on so easy.

Lisa, it's--
it's 6:00 in the morning.

I'm not in any mood
for this nonsensical chatter.

Now get dressed
or you'll have
to walk to school.

Well, meyer, guess whose
feet are going to be cold
again tonight?

[All exclaiming]

So my father

put this in the jar
of chicken fat

so he could smuggle it
by the Nazis

who were much more
interested in heiling

than searching
chicken fat.

Girls,
will you please
take your seats now?

Oh, Mrs. Hockmeister,
I was just showing them
my chicken fat ring.

Some other time,
Mrs. Douglas.

Now, girls,
all take your seats, please.

This domestic science course
is very important,

so I want you
to pay attention.

You'll find that
in later years

when you're married,
that the things
you've learned here

will be extremely valuable.

You've always heard
that the way

to a man's heart
is through his stomach.

Yes.

There are other ways.

Mrs. Douglas.

Such as

telling him that
everything you buy is on sale,

never using his razor,

and if he falls off
his Polo pony,
you mustn't laugh.

Because if you laugh,
it doesn't matter

what good a cook you are--

thank you,
Mrs. Douglas.

I'm sure the girls
will remember that.

You're welcome,
Mrs. Hockmeister.

Now then.

Can I say just
one more thing?

What?

The most important thing
is to marry a man
who loves you.

Because if he loves you,

you can get away with m*rder.

I don't know how to cook,

but Mr. Douglas loves me,

and I have more diamonds
than any of my friends

who are better cooks
than I am.

Also emeralds.

Girls, will you please
open your books to page 7.

There are a few other things
about marriage

that they don't write
about in cookbooks.

Mrs. Douglas!

What do you mean my wife
is a disrupting influence?

Well, for one thing
that big diamond
your wife wears.

Oh, that's a family heirloom.

That's her father's
class ring.

Class?

Well, it is kind of crazy,
but, uh...

Then the whole family
is kind of, uh...

They'd have to be
to think of smuggling
a thing like that

in a jar of chicken fat.

Yes.

All right, I'll tell her
not to wear the ring.

Just a moment, please.

There are a few
other things.

Oh?

Our students are here
to listen to the teacher,

not your wife regaling them

with stories about
your inability
to stay on a Polo pony.

A Polo--

did she tell them
about the time I fell off?

Yes, she did.

Mr. Douglas,
your wife also gave the girls

a brief discourse
on married life.

Most of which had
nothing to do with cooking.

She didn't!

All in good taste,

nothing the superintendent
of schools

could take umbrage with,
but...

I understand.

I'll have a talk with her.

Thank you.

Oliver, if you're
stopping here to smooch,

this is the wrong place.

We're not stopping to smooch.

All the other kids
go down the side road--

I don't care
where the other kids go.

Neither do I.

Lisa,
we're not gonna smooch,
we're gonna talk about school.

Oh, it's father-son time.

It's husband-wife time.

Then we are
going to smooch.

Now, for the first time
since we've been married,

I'm ashamed of you.

Oliver.

I am.

I've had to go
to the principal's office

because my wife
won't behave in class.

I'm sorry.

It's unfair to
the other children.

They come there to learn,

not to hear you
tell wild stories

about me falling off
my Polo pony.

I was going to bring
your Polo mallet
for show-and-tell time.

Show-and-tell?

Where you bring
something from home

and you show it
to the other kids
and you tell them about it.

Lisa,
just pay attention
to the teacher.

Well, she was talking
about marriage and cooking,

and I told her

that I don't know how to cook,
but you still like me.

Well, that's very--

maybe I should take you
for show-and-tell time.

I don't want ever
to have to school again.

Even if I forget
my gym bloomers?

Not for any reason.

Well, you won't have to come
to school anymore.

Good.

Except to drive me
and the other kids.

What other kids?

I got you into the car pool
with the other mothers.

I'm not gonna
drive a bunch of--

well, you only have
to do it for one term,

then the other mothers
take over.

All right, I'll do it.

But only as long
as you promise
to behave yourself in class.

All right, I promise.
Good.

(All)
...With an "h",
with an h-o-o,

hooterville, hooterville,
hooterville, go!

Yay!

Will you
stop that racket!

Come on, now,
everybody out. Out!

Lisa, it was real nice
of your father
to give us a ride.

I am not her father,
I'm her--

darling, don't forget
to pick us up at 3:00.

What's the matter?

You've never seen a father
kiss her husband before?

I have to go.
Goodbye, darling.

Mr. Douglas!
Mr. Douglas!

What's the matter?

I forgot my lunch!
Thank you.

Goodbye.

Is your husband
always such a grouch?

No, he's just mad
because he had to go
to the principal's office.

What a drip!

That's not a nice thing
to say about the principal.

No, I mean your husband.

Oh, yes.

[Bell ringing]
There's the 2nd bell.

Hey, what's your
first class?

Chemistry.

My wife blew
what window out?

The chemistry lab.

Was anybody hurt?

No, but there was
a lot of smoke
and a lot of noise,

and, uh, the building
hasn't smelled too good
for the last couple of hours.

That wasn't her fault.

She had no business
being in that class.

I'd like to meet the idiot

that suggested
that she take chemistry.

How do you do?

How do you--
you're the idiot.

I'm sorry.

How did it happen?

Well, your wife had
a run in her stocking.

How did that
blow the window out?

Calm down
and I'll tell you.

See,
she had a run in her stocking
and she wet her finger.

Boy who was next to her

pouring nitric acid,
looked over and poured
it into the wrong test-tube.

You saw the window.

Why do you call me in?

Why not get
that kid's parents in

and ask him to explain
what he's doing

looking at
my wife's legs.

Mr. Douglas,
have you forgotten

when you were 17?

When I was 17, I did--

well, yes, I did.

Now don't you think
it would be advisable

if you took your wife
out of school?

Absolutely not.

I'm a tax payer.
I pay school taxes.

If my wife wants
to go to school,
she has every right to.

Yes, she has, but--

look, please,

I promise you, you'll have
no more trouble with her.

Now, today we are
going to examine
the austro-Hungarian monarchy.

I can help you with that,
because I come from Hungary.

Most people don't know that

because I don't speak
with an accident anymore.

Mrs. Douglas, do you mind?

The austro-Hungarian monarchy

was ruled
by the house of hapsburg.

The house--

it wasn't really a house,

it was a big castle
on top of a hill.

The hapsburg house refers
to the hapsburg line.

And it was
a pretty good line, too.

My grandmother went out
with one of them,

and of all the fellows
she ever went out with,

he was the only one
she ever had
to pull the hatpin on.

Yes, well--

she stuck him in the carriage.

Oh, not his carriage,
the horse's carriage.

What do you mean my wife
was rewriting
the history of Hungary?

Her facts
didn't exactly jibe
with the teacher's.

Well, she comes from Hungary.

Maybe she knows more about it
than the teacher.

Oh, one of those.

Your child knows
more than the teacher.

I am not her child.
I-- she-- well, she--

Mr. Douglas.

All right.

I'll have
another talk with her.

So you know more
than the history teacher?

Only about Hungary.

Lisa.

Some of my best friends
are Hungarian.

Including my mother.

Well, you won't have to worry
about this class anymore,

because they've dropped you.

Good.

That'll give me time
to take a course
in driver's training.

Driver...

You mean with a car?

Yes, then when I get
my driver's license,

you won't have to
car pool anymore.

Well, if you learn to drive
as well as cook,

then this whole high school
thing would have
been worthwhile.

Good.

Now can we smooch?

When you're a senior.

All right,
fasten your seat belt.

Now, uh, do you know
how to start a car?

No.

Well, do you know
what this is?

Well, it looks like a key,

but I bet
it's a trick question.

No.

It's a key.

And it goes in
right here.

And I all you have to do
to start the motor
is to turn the key.

Oh, not yet.

First of all,
do you know
what these are?

(Tom)
"P", "r", "n", "d", "l".

Oh, yes.
That's a per-nern-dle.

My husband has a per-nern-dle
on his car, too.

Yes, every car should have
a per-nern-dle.

Now, the motor won't start
unless the indicator
is at "p",

which stands for "park",

or "n",
which means "neutral".

Can I use either?
Yes, of course.

"P" or "n".

You know,
that's why I never
learned how to drive.

You have to make
so many decisions.

Well, let's try "n".

I like "p" better.

All right.

Uh, you can
turn the key now.

[Engine starts]

[Engine grinding]

Let go!

Won't the motor stop?

No.

Look,

when the motor starts,
you release the key.

You didn't tell me that.

Well, I thought you'd have
sense enough to--

can I call my husband
and tell him
to come and watch me?

No, all we're gonna do
is drive around the block.

I hope.

Now, to put the car in gear
we move the arrow.

What arrow?

On the per-nern-dle!

Look, if you want
to go forward,

where would you
move the arrow to?

Forward. "F".

There is no "f".

Then we can't go forward.

We can if we put it on "d".

Forward doesn't
start with a "d".

All right.
That's right, it doesn't.

Look, we'll try backing up.

Now where would
you put the arrow
to do that?

That's another one that's
going to be hard to do.

There is no "b"
on here either.

Let's try "r" for reverse.

What direction is that?

Just a second.

We're gonna have to back up
to get out of here.

So we won't run into
the girls' shower room.

So put the arrow next to "r".

Then look back to see
that everything's clear.

Now slowly step on the gas.

[Tires screeching]

[Crashing]

She didn't!

She did.

Was she hurt?

Fortunately,
nobody was hurt.

Thank goodness.

Mr. Douglas, I think
we had better sit down
and talk.

Hello, dear.

Lisa.

That's a good-looking outfit
you're wearing.

Is it new?

Lisa.

Uh, I think-- I think
we'd better have to

have a little talk.

Oh.

You heard about the car
in the shower room.

Yes.

You can't keep a thing
like that a secret.

No.

Lisa,

I just had a talk
with the principal.

And you've been expelled.

And I've only
been here 3 days.

Isn't that wonderful?

Expelled means kicked out.

Oh.

It's not wonderful.

No.

Well, I didn't fit in here
too well anyway.

A lot of the kids
are younger than I am.

Yeah.

I'm sorry I didn't learn
how to cook for you.

I guess you're stuck
with my hotcakes.

Oh, that's all right.

That way I'm the only one
in danger,

not a whole school
full of innocent children.

Oliver,
you're a brave man.

Well, let's go home.

You want me to drive you?

Come on.

Oh, oh.
Wait a moment.

I have to clear out
my locker.

I left my pompons in there.

Oh, well-- your pompons?

It was going to be
a surprise,

but they made me
the cheerleader
of the football team.

You're the, uh,
"rah, rah, rah,
sis, boom, bah"?

No, no.
Ours goes this way.

With an "h", with an "h",
with an o-o-o.

With a "t", with a "t",
with an e-r-v.

Hootersville! Hootersville!

That's for me!

Well, like I always said,
she has a lot
of Betty boop in her.

(Lisa)
this has been a filmways
presentation, darling.