02x17 - Alex Does Good

[bunniefuu]

I'm sorry, dude.
I'm a little short today.

Can I make you a candle in trade?

Oh yeah, sure. As long as you make one
of those candles look like a twenty.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's with the titude?

If she wanted somethg rotten,
she'd buy your bananas.

Hey, Maggie. I got it.

No, no, Alex. You do too
much for me already.

I need to thank you for getting
my landlord to lower my rent.

People really underestimate
my arm-wrestling skills.

It's all about wrist
position and a greasy table.

Here I am, sir,

paying for fruit from this table

where I found a bunch
of cockroaches.

Shhhh.

Just pay me half and
get out of here, Russo.

Right on. Stick it to the Man.

You know I hate cheating people.

Maggie, wait till you
taste those mushy apples.

Believe me, we're not
the ones cheating.

Hey, you've got minutes
to b*at feet to school.

Actually, because you have
to give me a hug before you go.

Peace, Alex.

Thank you.

I know it sounds weird,

but one of my homework assignments

was to carry grocery bags
to someone's apartment,

and I forgot to do it.

- Alex, I'll be fine.
- It's okay.

All I have to do at school is
read the morning announcements.

- Don't you have classes?
- Oh, I have classes.

The question is, "Which one
of them I'll be going to?"

You know, I love how you
stuck it to the Man.

Sock it to 'em!

Oh, yeah! Come on.

Sock it to 'em! Oh, yeah!

♪ Well, you know everything's
gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ That the end will no
doubt justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem
with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ But you might find out
it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report
on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers
you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ You can get all you wanted
in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble
if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything
is not what it seems ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you
want by the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess
with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not ♪

♪ What it seems ♪

When you highlight, Max,
you don't use a black marker.

- That... makes it disappear.
- Oh, my gosh!

Ssh! Dude, that's
Jeanette Brocoletti.

Someday I'm going to ask her out.

Why not now?

Well.. Because, I...

I don't know what to say, and...

I think I smell like teriyaki.

Oh! You do.
Did you spill on yourself?

Let's just say this is not
the front of my shirt.

OK, look. Let me
give you some advice.

If you want to talk to Jeanette,

all you gotta do is go up
to her and make her laugh.

Girls love guys who
can make 'em laugh.

All right. I'll give
that a sh*t. - Good.

Oh! Wait.

Are you setting me
up for something bad?

No. But should have.

It would've been a great joke.
I'm too nice.

Oh, hey, Jeanette.

Hey!

Bet you wanna know what
I'm laughing about?

Yeah. We all do. That's why
they sent me over here.

I will tell you.

See that girl over there?

Her hair looks like
spaghetti in a ponytail.

And where does she get her clothes,
Forever ?

Max, that's my best friend.

I'm just gonna go.

Max, it's OK.

Sarah makes fun of me sometimes.

Because your eyes
are too far apart?

What?

You think my eyes
are too far apart?

No! Not for me.

I wish they were further apart.

Change the subject.

I kinda wanted to ask
you out on a date.

Why don't you just ask me?

'Cause I blew it.

Go ahead.

Nah. I'm just gonna wreck it.

Max.

I'm giving you a second chance,

because I think
you're kind of funny.

Oh. OK, well... That's fine.

But I don't think it's gonna work.

Uh, Jeanette...

Do you want to go out with me?

Nah.

What?

Just kidding.

Give me a call.

Whoa. Jeanette, thank you!

It totally worked, bro.

You were funny and she liked you.

Really? I wasn't even
trying to be funny.

I barely knew what was going on.

Believe me, dude,
when it comes to girls

that's always the best way.

Hello. Alex, where are you?
Second period is starting.

Yeah, the hallway's clear. OK.

Help me travel on my own.
I need to get there through this phone.

Thanks, Harper.

I would've gotten here sooner
but I dialed the wrong number.

There's this really
confused guy in India

with my footprint on
the side of his face.

Alex, Mr. Laritate's
really mad at you

because you flaked out
on morning announcements.

He had the kid with the rubber
bands on his braces do them.

I'm not sure if he said
"Friday is Picture Day"

or "Fried eggs in pickled hay."

It doesn't matter.
I'm going to be ready for both.

I better get to Geometry.
No. English. No.

Government. Oh. Whatever the
class isefore Mr. Laritate...

Sees you?

Sit by the window in detention.

I'll throw you some CornNuts.

No more detention for you.

I came to that decision when
you brought a blow-up mattress

and clock radio that
made ocean noises.

To the hoosegow.

I don't know what hoosegow means,

but I'm pretty sure it
doesn't mean ice cream stand.

Blueberry or apple?

Apple.

T marshmallows.

Hey, nice new Navajo blanket.

Thanks, I picked it
up at a yard sale.

Oh. It really ties
the room together.

You're in here way too often.

Hey, dude, that's your call,
not mine.

Miss Russo,

I used to fancy myself a little
bit of an outlaw like you.

I used to belly up
to the soda fountain

and have a glass of all the
flavors mixed together.

They called it soda danger.

I called it breakfast.

That all changed when the
doctor called it a peptic ulcer.

Do you see where I'm
going with this?

No, but I rarely do when
we have these talks.

I'm talking about...

...howkipping morning announcements

is the latest in a long
line of your selfish acts.

If it's not putting an "out of
order" sign on the girls' bathroom

just so you can watch the panic...

That was a good one.

Then it's having the library
order up your fashion magazines.

Oh, that reminds me.

I need them to renew "
Hot Rods and Handbags."

Here's what we're going to do
to break this selfish streak.

You're going to join
the Happy Helpers club.

Oh, two things I don't like:
clubs and helping.

I'm not a fan of happy either.
So throw that in, too.

If you don't join,
you'll be suspended.

And don't think you can skip it,
because I'm the advisor.

Fine.

I'm not going to lie,
I still might try.

a*] I got a date. I got a date.

Dad! I got a date.

Max, I told you.

If a girl comes in and
asks if you do take-out,

it doesn't mean she
wants to take you out.

No, a real date with
Jeanette Brocoletti.

Really? Atta boy.

"Atta boy" what?

Our son is about to
go onis first date.

No, he isn't. He's only .

- Mom.
- Come on, Theresa.

I'm a reasonable person.

Your father and I will
chaperone the date. OK?

And it has to happen in here.

I don't know, guys.
Let me ask Justin.

Justin!

Hey.

Mom and Dad want to
chaperone me on my date.

Oh!

Sounds more like a play date.

My expertise in romance got you this far.
Let me give you a hand.

Guys. I can chaperone him.

Oh, look at my big boy
looking after my little boy.

You're taking me out that night.

- Movie in Times Square?
- Yeah.

We can make fun of tourists who visit
New York and eat at chain restaurants?

- I love you.
- Me too.

OK, Justin, one last favor.

Can you pretend to be the waiter,

so she doesn't know
I'm being chaperoned?

Yeah, dude. No problem. I've got a
suit that I've been dying to wear

since Grandma made that
miraculous recovery.

Out.

Thanks for joining the Happy
Helpers Club with me, Harper.

No problem. I don't want
to see you get suspended.

I don't like hearing what teachers say
about you when you're not at school.

Well, this club
might not be so bad.

Yeah, it's not like they have
a club cheer or anything.

Did I just set it up?

I think you did.

Happy Helpers! Happy Helpers!

That's what we are!

Helping people! Helping people!

Helping near and far! Yay!

OK, Happy Helpers.

Before we start our jamboree,

I'd like to welcome Alex Russo
and Harper Finkle to our posse.

Club.

Right. Club.

Now, let's go over

who participated in this
week's community work.

Did anyone throw away a
candy wrapper they found?

Good.

Did anyone push an elevator
button for someone else?

Good!

Wait. These are the
good deeds they do?

That's just stuff they
should do every day.

I made change for a dollar.

OK. This week we need someone

to close the front door
when the bell rings.

Eeny, meeny, miny..

Alex.

That's great, Alex.
Whenever we do volunteer work,

we get awards and ribbons
to put in our Spirit Books.

They're what make us Happy Helpers.

A ribbon for closing the door?

Harper, you see what's going on?

They don't care about
helping people.

They only care about getting credit
for doing nothing. I'm out of here.

If anyone wants to close the door
behind me and get a ribbon, feel free.

No.

Alex, if you don't stay in this class,
you're going to get suspended.

Mr. Laritate, I just
gave Alex good advice.

How many ribbons is that worth?

I'll split them with you.

Hey Alex, what's
with the bummer face?

The Man come down on you?

Yeah.

The Man said I was being selfish

so he made me join a stupid
club to teach me a lesson.

You mean like a commune?

Don't knock it till
you've tried it.

No. It's the Happy Helpers Club.

Who are supposed to be all
about helping the community

but really they're just
all about themselves.

Oh, man. That's bogus.

You are one of the most...

Oh!

...unselfish...

...coolest chicks I know.

That's the truth, Ruth.

Mm! It's Maggie.

It's an expression.

Ah!

Respect.

This club does stuff like...

...telling someone
their shoe's untied

and then they call
that community service.

Man, I know where
you're coming from.

Back in ' I was very
into the peace movement.

You know? Marching,
talking to people, organizing.

Then one day, I went to
a campus peace rally.

Well, these guys weren't into
working for peace at all.

They were just using the whole scene so
they could rebel against their parents.

Blew my mind.

So then you just bailed, right?

Hm? No way, LBJ.

What?

Well, it's an expression.

Respect.

Look, my friends may be
puppets of the establishment,

but my cause was righteous.

So I grabbed my bullhorn
and I spoke the truth.

- Spoke the truth.
- Yeah! Right on.

You know, you should
try it sometime.

I can dig it. Thanks.

Yeah. Stick it to the Man!

Sock it to 'em!
Sock it to 'em! Oh, yeah!

Sock it to 'em!
Sock it to 'em! Oh, yeah!

Sock it to 'em!

Excuse me.

We have a reservation.
Russo, party of two.

Yes, you do. Your
table's right over here.

Wow, Max. Pretty impressive,
having your own waiter.

That's rht,
I do have my own waiter.

Is this table all right?

It's the one that I set
up with the tablecloth.

I'm OK here.

No. Look, you don't
have to be nice to him.

He's my waiter.

We'd like to move over there.

She said she was fine here.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Lose the 'tude, waiter dude.

The lady would be more
comfortable over there.

Will you excuse me a moment,
Jeanette?

- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?

I'm being funny in front of
my date like you told me to.

You think ordering me around and
treating me like this is funny?

Yeah, you're pretty mad,
so I think it's hilarious.

Jeanette, I am so sorry.

I wonder if our waiter
comes with chips,

because he is a dip.

Hey, waiter.

Do you think you can handle
getting us some water?

Ah!

The fizzy type.

Yes.

The lady and I would
love the fizzy type.

Is that fizzy enough for you, sir?

He is so funny.

And cute.

Jeanette, what do you mean by cute?

Cute like he looks cute? Or...

...cute like when I put pretzel
sticks up my nose and my mom goes:

"Cute."

That sounds funny.

Oh, yeah it is.

Hey, waiter, where are
our pretzel sticks?

You had your chance.

Hey!

Before you mop that up,
let's hear the specials.

For the lady,

I'd recommend losing the boy with
the bloody nose in his future

and having dinner with someone
that can make you laugh, for real.

And for the boy, I'd recommend
the dinosaur chicken strips

with a side of wet wipes.

I'll go get you a bib
and some crayons.

If you stay inside the lines...

I'll put it on the wall.

Will you excuse me, please?

Pound for pound, you're a clown.

Back to our date.

Let's get this party started.

Is there something in my nose?

Oh!

Uh-oh. Justin!

You think this is hilarious,
don't you?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Yeah. It's pretty funny.

You got me.

Actually, you got yourself.

I did.

Hello? Are we having a date or not?

Relax, we'll get back
to the date in a second.

I guess I had it coming to me.

What were you thinking?

I'm thinking that when I'm mean
and insulting that it's funny.

But it might only be me.

Why don't you ask Jeanette?

Yeah, it's only me.

Man.

That was my first
date and I ruined it.

There will be plenty
of other dates,

and you'll find different
ways to ruin those too.

Hey, I started the
dino chicken strips.

- You did? I call the T-rexes.
- Of course.

I got another ribbon.

No more for her.

Alex, where were you?

You missed seeing me
get all these ribbons.

Ribbons for what?
This is only your second meeting.

This one is for coming
to a second meeting.

This next award goes to Alex
Russo for clapping erasers.

I wasn't clapping erasers.
I was trying to hit the clock

to see if I could get
it to move forward.

Repairing a stuck clock.
Even better.

Come on up and get your ribbon.

No. Wait.

You want to give me a ribbon
for something I didn't even do?

You honestly see nothing
wrong with that?

I don't.

It's about time I got
some appreciation, Mom.

It's stick it to the Man time.

I'm sorry, Mr. Laritate. I can't take
that ribbon. I didn't do anything.

And even if I had,
I still wouldn't take it.

I'll take it.

Oh! Sorry.

I was told I had to join
this club or get suspended.

Most of you know me.
That's not a shocker.

You think you're helping the community,
but you're hardly doing anything.

And you do it for selfish reasons.

Now, I know I can be
a little selfish too,

because I don't help
a lot of people.

But I know when I do.

I do more than this and I don't
expect anything in return.

I don't even do it to
make myself feel better.

I do it to make the other
person feel better.

Wow.

That was a very moving speech...

...worthy of a ribbon.

No!

No.

I don't want a ribbon.

It's either the
ribbon or suspension.

That's a lovely ribbon.

There you go, Mr. Laritate.

You're going to look great
for 's Day at school.

- Thank you, Alex.
- Yeah, she's the best.

You know, she really
understands flower power.

Flower power? I don't get it.

It means you're generous, Alex.

I don't know why you didn't
tell me you were a Happy Helper.

Nope, not a Happy Helper.
An unhappy troublemaker

who quietly does good
without anyone knowing.

I can dig it.

So I'm not suspended?

Whoa!

You mean you're the Man?

And I was gonna give you a candle.

Alex, I'll make you a deal.

I'll suspend the suspension
if you'll show more

flower power around school.

And I'll try to get
the Happy Helpers

to start calling your club a posse.

Deal.

But I'm still gonna have
to make fun of your outfit.

I would expect nothing less.

Right on.

Oh, yeah! I can dig it.