11x10 - May Cause Your Dad to Come Back...

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

[Cackles]

♪♪

MAN: It's alive!

[Cackles]

[Robot chicken clucks]

♪♪

[Cackles]

♪♪

[Cackles]

This is the worst case
of TMJ I've ever seen.

[British accent] So,
what went wrong, Peppa?

[British accent]
What went wrong?

Every single f*ckin' thing!

SINGER: ♪ All right ♪

PEPPA: I'm a cartoon pig
whose whole purpose in life

is to make mistakes
so kids learn from 'em.

Mistake number one...
splashing around in a puddle

without first checking
me surroundings.

- You dickies soiled me monkey!
- [Gasps] Oh!

Get me a new one by tomorrow,

or it's your loaf of bread, pig.

There, there, Peppa.
[Bleats]

I got a gapin'
head wound, ya nit!

- [Gasps]
- Get off my knee!

- Peppa!
- PEPPA: Only one place

that sells that monkey...
Tony Turtle's Toy Store.

£ ?

We haven't got that kind
of sausage and mash.

If there's one thing I've learned
as a didactic TV pig,

it's that if we work together,

we can accomplish anything...

- even armed robbery!
- "Armed robbery"?!

But, Peppa,
that's ba-a-a-ad!

- I won't be part of it.
- You're a bloody sheep!

- You'll do whatever I say.
- Okay.

Now, come on.
Let's put a crew together.

♪♪

♪♪

- Ah, I got it.
- [Sobbing]

♪♪

PEPPA: Unfortunately, I still
had one lesson to learn...

- piggies always squeal.
- [Sobbing]

Daddy, Peppa committed
an armed robbery.

Armed robbery, eh?

Well, Daddy, Pig
might be clumsy

and fat and forgetful,
but he knows how

to call the police
on naughty piglets.

Now, what's the number
for British ?

Sorry, Daddy. They ain't
puttin' Peppa in a pig pen.

[Both squealing]

One g*nsh*t, two g*nsh*t!

[Both grunting]

♪♪

Right, this was all over
a stuffed monkey, then.

Hmm.
When you put it that way,

I sound a bit of a w*nk*r.

Kids, don't be a w*nk*r.

♪♪

- Looking fresh... to death!
- [Shrieks] Ugh! Your face!

What do you wash with,
bar soap?!

- Doesn't everybody?
- Girl, please.

- You're peeling.
- I was burned alive in a boiler room!

The same difference.
Lucky you, all I watch

are YouTube makeup tutorials!

Narrative content is dead.

It's an easy
/ -step process.

Exfoliate, moisturize,
rinse, repeat, tap.

Don't rub...
that's the secret.

- ♪ Exfoliate, moisturize, rinse, repeat ♪
- This is t*rture!

♪ Tap, don't rub, that's the... ♪
Beauty is pain!

- So, what do you think?
- Well, I'm terrified...

by how good I look.

- Right?!
- We had so much fun!

It's really a shame
I'm going to k*ll you now.

Or we could do face masks!

[Sighs] Okay,
first the face masks,

and then I'm gonna k*ll you.

MALE ALIEN: Um, Captain,
the trash alien is attacking,

and I think there's something
wrong with the weapons.

CAPTAIN: Your g*ns are locked until
you solve each math problem!

But, sir, I-I could die.

We believe a life without math
is not worth living!

Zero plus seven is seven.

Uh, two minus one equals one.

Three minus eight equals five.

I-I-I mean...
I mean, negative five!

Oh no, your ship is damaged!

You'd better fix it...
with math!

What?! Okay, it's, uh...

Please Excuse
My Dear Aunt Sally.

f*ck! Why didn't I take that
English job in Typing Town?!

[Kaboom!]

Ooh-ooh-ooh!

Ah-ah-ah-ah.
[Gasps]

Ah! Ah!

Ah! [Gasps]

Augh! Ah-ah-ah!

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

George, you all right in there?
It's time for dinner!

[Hooting]

Oh, my God, George!

♪♪

[Hooting frantically]

- Headshot!
- George!

- No! Huh?!
- It had to be done.

He was getting too close
to the Avril Lavigne theory

- for his own good.
- Operation "Sk er Boi" is complete.

- We'll need you to sign this NDA.
- Oh, okay.

Maybe adopt a real kid next time.
Window exit!

[Crying] Oh, George, why?
What's this?

"Rory should have ended up
with Dean on 'Gilmore Girls'?"

f*ckin' Dean?!

[Crying] Oh, George!

I raised you better than this.
[Sobs]

Mr. President, let me just say
we are so excited

to be working with you to make
socially conscious content.

We were thinking maybe
a documentary about health care.

Or a prestige drama about a family
on the south side of Chicago.

Um, I had something else in mind.

[Roars]

[Machine-g*n fire]

And let me be clear...

Ah, no, thanks.

♪ "Barack Obama: Dino Destroyer" ♪

Boom, baby.
Why you taking a nap?

Gotcha, b*tch.

- That's what I do.
- ♪ He rides a raptor ♪

- All day.
- ♪ And his raptor's name is Paul ♪

♪ Michelle's in it too ♪

That's right, baby.
[g*nshots]

Oh, Barack, you know I love
watching you k*ll those dinos!

Ah, put those two lips on me.

[Roars]

Coming soon to Netflix.
Pa-pow-pow! Bam!

Barack in your face, baby.

Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary,
Bloody Mary!

[Cackling]

Bloody Mary!

Bloody Mary, hi.
You've been served.

- Oh.
- Sorry about your divorce.

Ha ha!
Believe me, I'm not.

Bloody Dan is a piece of shit,

and I've gone on record about it.

Who goes there?

I smell you,
little thief in the shadows.

I'm sorry,
great and powerful Smaug.

You must be very small,
little thief,

so small
that you could hide anywhere...

behind the gold,
behind the gems,

maybe even up my butt,
perhaps.

Uh, w-why would
I hide up your butt?

When one sleeps
beneath the mountain,

one thinks of many things...

the value of gold,
the age of the world,

the feel of little feet
and hands

pitter-pattering
inside this scaly folds

of your fiery prostate.

L-Look, I just came here
to steal some gold.

I'm not trying to Richard Gere you.

What? That was an urban legend.

Let's leave Richard out of this.

You know, for an adventurer,

you really don't seem
very adventurous.

- Okay, I'm just gonna go.
- Or I could go up your butt.

Hmm, um, leaving instead.

Someday, Smaug, someday.

♪♪

My name is Tom Nook.

The year I turned
I made trillion bells,

which actually
kind of pissed me off

because it was three shy
of a trillion a week.

I started in sales. My boys and I got

a commission on anything
we bought or sold,

so we bought and sold everything.

We found an island
in international waters

where the feds couldn't reach us.

Pretty soon I'd conned
people into joining us.

Once they were there,
they needed a house.

And who sold the houses?
You got it... me.

Real estate was easy.

Before they knew it, some
sucker had paid two billion bells

for a five-room house full
of clothes and Bunny Day eggs.

Can you imagine?

I was married,
till I met Isabelle.

She was blond, gorgeous,
irrationally chipper.

Plus I figured she'd like it
doggy style [Chuckles]

which... she did not.

I mean,
we were into everything...

you know, repackaging
subprime turnip debt,

dealing counterfeit art
through pirates,

smuggling endangered bugs.

Was it illegal? Nah.

But if you want to get rich,
you got to be an animal.

Looks like
Bethany got veneers.

Oh, that lucky b*tch.

["Halloween"-type theme plays]

♪♪

Mama! Papa!
My draft card came!

- I'm going to Vietnam!
- Oh! Dear God!

Papa, we have to send him
to Canada.

Nonsense. Fievel, America
has given us so much.

Now it is time for you
to return the favor in blood...

ideally, not yours.

But give those Viet cats hell, son.

[Acid rock music plays]

♪♪

ALL:
This is my "mouse-ket."

There are many like it,
but this one is mine.

Why the hell
are you crying, Mousekewitz?

Sir! I just miss my family, sir!

The Army's your family now, rodent!

- Now drop and give me !
- One...

I've seen cancer mice
stronger than you!

Hopefully we can
defeat the enemy

so we can all go home soon.

Enemy? Look around, kid.
There's no enemy.

America is the enemy.

But America's a good country
where there are no cats.

Then why the f*ck are we out here?

[Down-tempo piano music plays]

♪ Someplace across the sea ♪

♪ Under the moon of cheese ♪

Aah!

You gave up our position, assh*le!

[Machine-g*n fire]

Huh? No!

Aaah!

[Sighs]

Well, I underestimated you,
Mousekewitz.

- You're a g*dd*mn hero.
- But, sir, I k*lled all those cats.

Son, you were born to k*ll cats.

♪♪

[Imitating g*nf*re]

[Grunting]

[Cackling]
Burn, baby!

You want a hit?
It's catnip.

Makes ya... see things.

♪♪

America.
America is the enemy.

k*ll cats. k*ll 'em!

I love watching you do it.

Hey, Fievel, I'm Don Bluth.
I created you. Neat, huh?

That's got to cause some
existential conflict.

- Holy shit.
- Incoming!

Ugh!

Fievel's awake!

My... legs.

Oh, who needs legs?
We'll get you a skateboard.

- You're a hero, son.
- Where's Tanya?

[Indistinct shouting]

- Tanya?
- Kitty k*ller! [Spits]

Come on, Fievel.
Let's go home.

I don't know if I ever can.

♪ Some mice are born
built to run the maze ♪

♪ Others go crying home to mom ♪

♪ I lost my way
in all those twists and turns ♪

♪ But I lost my d*ck in Vietnam ♪

♪ American cheese, American cheese ♪

♪ Might be made from old tires ♪

♪ American cheese,
American cheese ♪

♪ It never, ever expires ♪