[Wind whistling]
[Whirring]
[Scanner whirring]
[Wind whistles]
[Title music]
[Evil laughter]
[Whirring]
It's alive!
[Thunder rumbles]
[Beeping]
Announcer: In the year ,
the world faces an unstoppable evil.
[Screeching]
[g*nf*re]
Godzilla has destroyed the
last of our air force, sir.
We have one final option.
- Nuclear?
- Better.
Jason Voorhees!
He can't be k*lled!
Think Hollywood is out of ideas?
Shut up!
Now fork over your hard-earned
cash for more crap-tacular,
Mind-Numbing dung ...
like this pile of flaming ...
Holy sh*t, I would actually see this!
I mean, like not on a Friday Night,
but I'd get baked and
make an afternoon of it.
No way!
Did you see that?!
Right up the flame, like a fire salmon!
"Godzilla vs. Jason."
This remake mash-up
bullshit just got good!
[Roars]
Dear god!
[Screeches]
- Now, my friends, eat of my body.
- For breakfast?!
- Holy yuck!
- No, Holy O's!
♪ Jesus ♪
♪ He d*ed for your sins ♪
♪ Now he's giving
breakfast a biblical spin ♪
♪ Marshmallow bits
look like angel wings ♪
♪ Nuggets shaped like halos
and the king of kings ♪
♪ Fortified with fiber
so your colon's primed ♪
♪ With Holy O's!,
the milk changes into wine! ♪
Announcer: Holy O's! Are
baked with ancient chaff,
carbon-dated to the time of Jesus,
and soaked in high
fructose corn syrup ...
just the way he liked it.
♪ Holy O's ♪
It is finished.
[Ding!]
[Grunts]
[Alarm blaring, siren wailing]
Freeze! You're under arrest!
We have you surrounded!
Oop! Oh, no, where'd I go?!
[Laughing] Whoop!
I'm up and then I'm down.
Whoop, where'd I go?!
[Laughing]
[Grenade clicks] Hey, what?!
No, no, no, no!
Thank you so much for
fixing my porch, Handy Manny.
De nada, Seã'ora Portillo.
You know my motto ... you break it...
All: We fix it!
And with the lowest prices in town!
[Siren wails, tires screech]
- Ay!
- Stand back, ma'am!
We're deporting this illegal
hombre back to taco-town.
Illegal?!
[yelling in Spanish]
- Hey, it's dark in here!
- I need my pills!
We appreciate all the
tips you've given us
on the illegal handy man,
Bob the builder,
but America just doesn't
have enough detention centers
- to handle them all.
- That's a problem!
- Can we fix it?!
- Together: Yes, we can!
Handy Manny: Bob, Bob!
You can't let them deport me!
You know I was born in America!
Yeah, the th amendment
says that makes you a citizen,
and it's a real problem.
Can we fix it?!
All: Uh...
- I don't roll with that.
- I'm don't know.
[Whimpers]
I don't know!
Mommy, I thought that little pill
was supposed to grow into
a great, big dinosaur toy.
Is that grandma's heart medicine?
Then that means ...
Oh, my god!
[Dramatic music plays]
When that circus gypsy predicted this
is how grandma would
die, we all laughed.
Well, I guess she's
the one laughing now.
[Whimsical music plays]
That's not true. [Sniffles]
I actually find this very sad.
Announcer: Your principal ... he stinks!
Not true! I showered this morning!
Announcer: Yeah, you do, you old d*ck!
You suck at video games,
you don't like rap music,
and you hate Chew Blast gum!
No!
Announcer: Your bus driver sucks [bleep]
You suck [bleep]
Announcer: No, you do!
You don't know how to
drive, you have diabetes,
and you ha-a-a-a-te Chew Blast gum.
The children stick it under the seats.
Announcer: Well, stick this
up your ass, you old bitch!
I can't see!
Announcer: Your grandpa
is an old d*ck bag.
I taught you how to ride a bicycle.
Announcer: He doesn't get the
spike network at his house,
he walks with a limp.
My limp is from World w*r II.
Announcer: And he hates Chew Blast gum.
I survived the bataan death march.
- Announcer: Try to survive this!
- Aagh!
Announcer: Chew Blast, the gum you sh**t
into your mouth with a slingshot.
Grown-ups don't like it 'cause
grown-ups are [bleep] stupid!
Yeah, polluting is fun!
Captain Planet: No, it isn't!
All: Captain Planet!
- Don't try to run!
- Run!
- Energy beam!
- Aagh!
- Earth power!
- Aagh!
- Ball sh*t!
- My balls!
Good work, Captain Planet!
You've done such a fantastic job
that we're giving you a promotion.
Congratulations... General Planet!
Oh, boy!
: A.M., first quarter R&D review,
: , subcommittee on
off-shore safety budget.
- : , ma...
- Excuse me, general, but these
need your signature right away!
General Planet!
[Chuckles]
- I hope this is recycled paper.
- It is not.
[Hip-hop music playing]
Yo, this track is b*mb as hell!
As soon as Nicki Minaj adds
her vocal, it's gonna be huge!
[Door opens]
Hello, everyone, I'm here.
- You ain't Nicki Minaj!
- Na, I'm her sister Nicki Morgaj.
I'm here to refinance your mortgages.
Yo, yo, yo, you dead, sucka!
Wait! I bought at the
height of the housing bubble.
Let's just hear her out.
[g*nsh*t] _
[Music continues]
[Electronic pulsing]
All: Surprise!
Aww! You guys.
[Upbeat music playing]
Man: # Well, a long time ago #
♪ A dinosaur lady gave birth ♪
♪ To a whole bunch of dinosaur babies ♪
♪ Three of them had the
same features mom had ♪
♪ But one was probably
from a different dad ♪
♪ Yeah, mom let another
man sperm up her eggs ♪
♪ And no matter how she
cried or how she begged ♪
♪ Daddy kicked her ass out
into the cold, cold street ♪
♪ And with four mouths to
feed and nothing to eat ♪
♪ She packed up her brood
in the pouring rain ♪
♪ And booked a one-way trip ♪
♪ On the dinosaur train ♪
[Whistle blows]
Chorus: # dinosaur train #
♪ Who built this train? ♪
Man: # Well, dinosaurs
developed steam and tools #
♪ Dino society was inherently cruel ♪
♪ And a slut-shamed mom
with a brood to feed ♪
♪ Had to get creative
to pay the passage fee ♪
Chorus: # Dinosaur shame #
♪ On the dinosaur train ♪
[whistle blows]
Man: # Well, they rode the rails
for a couple of months #
♪ And mom turned tricks
to keep their fancy bunks ♪
♪ Then she met a stegosaurus
who said, "be my wife ♪
♪ Come out to California
and we'll start a new life ♪
♪ I don't care what you did
or what you done ♪
♪ I love you and your kids
and your bastard son" ♪
♪ She looked at that man
with tears in her eyes ♪
♪ And the train derailed ♪
♪ And the dinosaurs d*ed ♪
♪ Maybe dinos built a
railroad across this land ♪
♪ But there's no way they could steer ♪
♪ With those tiny hands ♪
Chorus: # Dinosaur train #
♪ Implausible train ♪
[Whistle blows]
Ah, Magoo, a vacation in
Miami is just what you needed.
I just hope there aren't
too many mosquitoes.
_
Did you say, "massage"?
Oh, I'd love one.
Let me get my wallet.
[Chuckles]
I'm especially tense right here,
in the shoulders and
maybe the groin area.
_
__
"Happy ending," you say?
[Chuckles]
Ah, Miami botanical garden,
I always wanted to see this.
Although there better not be
any of those pesky mosquitoes.
_
Ah, does anybody in
Miami speak English?!
Oh-oh, the Latinos are
ruining the country, I say.
[Laughs]
[Dice rattling]
Oh, no, mosquitoes!
[Grunts]
[All grunt]
Oh, a water fountain!
I could use a drink.
[Slurps]
Refreshing! [Laughs]
[Both gasp]
_
Magoo: Mosquitoes.
[Laughs]
_
__
What, did the sprinklers go off?
Why are my feet wet? Huh?
What's this?
Oh, heavens.
I did this!
Mr. Magoo!
_
She knows I did it.
I-I-I can't do time!
[Screams]
[Sobbing]
You should really consider
lasik surgery for your eyesight.
The infinity gauntlet
belongs to Thanos at last!
Now I finally have something
to go with my infinity dress
and infinity shoes!
If only I had an infinity date.
Oh, Eric, you've made this
Little Mermaid's dreams come true.
I'm finally a real girl,
and it's our wedding night.
[Giggles]
[Grunts]
Do you want me to leave
while you jerk off onto my eggs?
I'd rather stay and
watch, if that's okay.
Girl: Matches! [Music]
Please buy my matches.
I can't go home without
selling these matches.
Father will b*at me!
I'm so cold.
It couldn't hurt to
light just one match.
Oh!
That was lovely.
Grandmother!
But ... But you're in
heaven with Jesus now.
Jesus is a fairy tale.
There's only Vishnu,
which you'll find out soon
enough if you freeze to death.
Listen to your old granny.
She's got a plan, a plan,
a plan, a plan, a plan...
- Hi, daddy.
- Damn it, girl,
if you didn't sell every
last match, it ... [Coughs]
Game, set, match.
I never dreamed you would
learn to use the matches
for your own purposes!
[Grunts]
Granny's jewelry ... right
where she said she hid it.
Have an egg for the road,
you old d*ck.
Oh, no, you're too young for a Mai Tai.
One Mai Tai coming up.
So, what's your name, anyway?
My name's the little [bleep]
Match Girl!
♪ Whaa ♪
[Rock music playing]
♪ Waah, aah, aah, aah, aah ♪
♪ Waah, aah, aah, aah, aah ♪
08x01 - Garbage Sushi
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American adult animated comedy with a series of pop-culture parodies about everything.
American adult animated comedy with a series of pop-culture parodies about everything.