Young Offenders, The (2016)

[bunniefuu]

Imagine if we had a million euros.

What would you like to do? Think of something.

Pick anything at all. What would you like to do?

You've put me on the spot.

Anything. Like, come on.

I don't know. Like, what's the budget?

1 million. I just said it.

Do you want me to choose an activity or an object?

Whatever you wanna do, just pick something!

I don't know! Like, skydiving?

Grand.

Not a bad idea, go skydiving.

I'll get you a plane and a parachute and you can skydive whenever you want.

Where'd you like to live?

Mansion.

Mansion, grand. We living at City Hall?

The Lord Mayor lives there, like.

Well, yeah, we won't actually live IN the City Hall but we'll make a gaff just like City Hall, know what I mean?

And we put it... we put it there.

Yeah, yeah, build our home right here.

Looking over the city. Mansion looking over the city.

We'd need a butler or... Yeah, to clean the house.

We'd get one of them fellas like...

Batman? Yeah, he could run the gaff.

With his English accent! He'd be unbelievable.

Imagine waking up to that every morning.

Yeah, right?

"Alright? What's happening?"

"Alright, alright? What you want for breakfast?"

"You want some tea, son?"

So cool, right? We could have our own cave as well, like the Batcave.

We'd call it the Boys Cave. The Boys Cave.

We'd have pool tables, pinball machines...

Lava lamps. Loads of lava lamps.

Big gold walls. Big gold walls.

Furry curtains. Furry curtains.

Loads of girls with their tits out lying across the couch.

Like... like Spanish girls?

Yeah, yeah! Spanish girls.

We'd look like legends wherever we went.

Sounds amazing.

That handsome-looking fella there is me, Conor MacSweeney.

And that's me best pal, Jock.

It's the summer of 2007.

We're both 15 and just after finishing the junior cert.

For any of you not from Ireland, all you need to know is it's a load of bollocks.

I live on the north side of Cork city with me mam.

f*ck it.

I was...

..having a bad dream.

No wonder you're always late.

We're leaving in five minutes.

Five minutes.

And give me two for the wife as well.

So four? Give me four.

Alright, love?

Mam's a fishmonger in the English Market.

I'm in working with her for the summer.

We're actually getting on better than usual.

Conor, you fancy doing a bit of work?

What are you getting paid for? Come on. For f*ck's sake.

Jock is sort of... self-employed.

Let's just say if you leave your bike locked to a lamppost within five miles of where he lives, it's your own fault.

He's the kind of fella who'd do anything for a friend.

Like that time I bumped into Billy Murphy...

Hi, how's it going?

Give me your f*ckin' phone!

..and he wanted to borrow me phone.

Billy's the local nut job.

What school did you go to?

St Pats. St Pats.

Did you go to St Pats as well? Didn't go to school?

Jock found this great site on the internet that can make masks of anyone you want.

Alright, Billy?

He then went to nick the bike from outside the Garda station which belonged to Sergeant Healy.

He's a bit like a sh*t Serpico.

f*ck. Don't f*cking move!

Get down on the f*cking ground! - Healy hates bike thieves.

He treats them like proper criminals.

..or you're going in the river! Get the f*ck off the bike.

Get your Micky off my back. Shut the f*ck up.

D'you understand the reason for your arrest?

I do, yeah. Ya prick.

When the shades raided Billy Murphy's gaff looking for Healy's bike, they ended up finding hash plants instead.

Shitloads of 'em.

Turned into a bit of a cat-and-mouse game between Healy and Jock after that.

I'm the only one who knows it's him behind the mask.

To everyone else in the city, he's a legend known only as.

Fake Billy.

Alright, lads? Alright, Fake Billy?

What the f*ck is this? Look at him!

Get f*cked, ya c**t!

Alright, Fake Billy? How about a shift?

Alright, but make it quick.

How do you cook these? How should I know?

You work here. I don't eat any of this sh*t.

You serve in a fish shop and you don't eat fish?

What do you eat? Chicken.

Chicken. And nothing else?

Chicken nuggets, chicken balls, chicken burger, deep-fried chicken, chicken Kiev, chicken wings, chicken legs, chicken soup...

Come on, boy! What are you waiting for?

Scuse me!

..stir-fried chicken, chicken tikka masala...

Alright, alright, I get it.

You like chicken. f*cking love it.

Sorry, lads!

You're a barrel of laughs, aren't you?

Forget about it. Have a good day.

You could at least make some kind of effort.

I could, yeah.

Hey, Conor! Slow this shithead down, would you?

Get outta the way! Move, will you?!

Get outta the way!

Bollocks!

Conor, what the f*ck? He was being a cock.

You're being a cock.

Mam had me when she was 16, which was old for our neighbourhood.

No-one showed her how to be a mam, and she's awful at it.

So she tries to make up for it by doing things she thinks a mam should do, like stitching my name in all my clothes.

I find another pair of his jocks in her room, I'll cut the balls off him, do you hear me?

Do you seriously think I'm riding that dopey-looking fella?

Come on!

You better be wearing johnnies or I'll be the one who cuts them off!

Jock got his nickname 'cause he only has one pair of underwear.

He's forever borrowing mine.

Nice one.

He's saving up so me and him can move out of home and rent a flat in the city.

That is, if his old fella would ever stop nicking all his savings.

What are you doing in here?

My old man d*ed when I was four.

He was on a building site when it happened.

Some dickhead dropped a hammer off the roof.

Jock's mam d*ed only last year.

I think that's kind of why we get each other, do you know?

You need to cut closer to the bone.

I mean, how many times do I have to tell you?

You're useless, you know that?

We both have shitty one-parent families.

That's my money.

I need it.

It's my money.

You're watching the 1:00 news.

And here are the main stories.

Police are searching the coastline of West Cork for an estimated 440 million euros worth of cocaine that went overboard in what is the country's largest ever drug seizure.

The floating bales of cocaine have attracted what the Gardai are referring to as 'treasure hunters' hoping to hit the jackpot.

Where's that going on? Three Castle Head.

It's the biggest treasure hunt in the history of the state.

Look at them lads.

Gardai warn that any of these so-called 'treasure hunters' will be serving guaranteed jail time.

Are you gonna pay me this time?

Don't I always pay you?

I've never seen someone so passionate about hating as Mam is about hating Jock.

Christ.

There's loads of animals in here, aren't there?

It's a market, Jock.

Jock, on the other hand, loves me mam.

f*ck it, Jock!

Does it hurt? Yeah, it does hurt!

I tell him she's only joking when she says mean things so he doesn't get his feelings hurt.

See that? Yeah?

That's called a suckerfish.

That's gonna be your nickname in prison.

That's a good one!

Your mam's hilarious!

Aye, she's always having a craic with you.

I know, but it's brilliant, isn't it?

If you're gonna mindlessly mimic someone, could you at least pick someone who's got half a f*cking brain?

Alright, mate?

Up yours, Mrs MacSweeney. I hope you have a sh*t day.

Mam's always going on about me mimicking Jock.

I mean, yeah, we have similar haircuts, but that's just the fashion.

Aside from that, we have our own individual sh*t going on.

Jock's always coming up with interesting things to do, like...

Just got hold of 100 smoke bombs.

Wanna let 'em off in school?

And this was the best one yet.

That means that one bale is worth 7 million euros.

7 million?! Each one, yeah!

Do you know how many zeros that is after 7 million?

Hundreds!

Yeah, f*cking thousands of zeros! It's so much money!

But what if we get caught, though?

Do you not know the rules that govern this country?

What?

When the forefathers founded our country.

Who were they? The forefathers.

St Patrick, St Brigid...

I dunno. Why are you asking me these questions, like?

Ask the teacher that.

Basically, when our forefathers founded this country, yeah, they made rules, like if you're younger than 16, you're classified as a young offender which basically means you can't get in trouble.

So, we're just off the hook? For some reason, they thought our brains weren't developed enough, that we wouldn't know what we were doing or something.

I know, stupid, isn't it? Spastics!

It's basically like a get-out-of-jail-free card.

I'm trying to find something wrong with your plan.

It's perfect. Think how easy it'd be to find a bale as well.

Think how good you are at finding stuff.

If I was looking for stuff... stuff'll be found.

This time tomorrow, we could be millionaires, like.

This is where we are, yeah?

That's you, that's me.

And this is where the cocaine went overboard.

Jeez, boy, that's f*cking miles away!

No, it's not, it's like that.

You do know it's not actually that far, like.

I know that. I know how maps work.

I'll nick us a couple of bikes, we leave first thing in the morning.

Can we go the day after?

No, it has to be tomorrow.

The guards'll have it found if we leave any later.

I have to cover Mam in the shop. She's getting her tooth pulled.

You're actually telling me that you're not gonna go get 7 million euros

'cause you're gonna work in the fish shop for the day?

You could have everything you ever wanted.

Mansions, cars, caves and tits.

I know, right, but I promised her.

What excuse am I meant to give?

"Me and Jock are heading down to West Cork"

"to find a bale of cocaine."

She thinks I'm stupid enough as it is.

Boy, this is far more important than your mam's gammy tooth.

This is monumental.

This could be the difference between us having an amazing life or us having a really sh*t one.

I'm going either way.

If you wanna come, meet me at the docks at six in the morning.

Did you ever get an annoying splinter in your finger?

The more you try and get it out, the deeper it gets?

Well, Healy's the kind of guy who'll cut off his own finger just to teach that splinter a lesson.

Unlocked bikes, trackers.

D'you know how much sh*t we're getting because of this?

Stealing is stealing.

They're using trackers on bikes in London.

We're London Met now, are we?

Did you forget you're in Cork?

I took you off bike duty three months ago.

Yeah, but Fake Billy is still on the rampage and it's only gonna get worse.

Starts off with a bike, then a car, then a bus.

You gotta stop 'em when they're young.

If that was the train of thought, boy, the thing after that would be a t*nk, then a jumbo jet.

Now you see what I'm talking about.

You think I give a sh*t about Fake Billy stealing bikes?

Don't look like you give a sh*t about anything except chocolate.

Be very f*cking careful now, kid. Very careful.

What's worrying me at the moment is I've cells for a bike thief you put in there, and m*rder's on a waiting list to get in.

Enough with the f*cking bicycles.

You're a bit of a loner, Healy. It's not healthy.

Do you want me to ask the lads to take you out for drinks?

Maybe hook you up with somebody? Would you like that?

If you wanna catch a big fish, you gotta drop a big hook right where he likes to feed.

Mam cooks like she hates food.

And the person she's cooking it for.

What's wrong with ya?

Did you have this for dinner?

Yeah, why? You enjoyed it?

It's dry, like.

Well, put some ketchup on it. Jesus Christ.

Aren't you lucky I'm here to cook your dry Kiev.

What would you do if I wasn't around?

Wouldn't even know how a microwave works.

Eat takeaway. How you gonna pay for that?

Get a job.

Are you taking the piss?

Last I heard you were thinking of quitting school.

Yeah, I am quitting school. Yeah. 'Cause Jock is, is he?

Who's gonna hire you without a leaving cert?

Dunno, like. Work on a trade or be a builder or something.

Yeah. Like your old man, is it?

That turned out well, didn't it?

f*ck's sake. Hang on, Mam.

No-one's gonna give you a job. Only me.

I'm even thinking of f*ring you, you're so f*cking useless.

Hey, clear that up. f*ck off!

f*ck's sake.

And that's how most of our meals end.

There are two things you need for a good adventure - a treasure map and someone dumb enough to go with ya.

Oi, kid! - Now Jock had both.

Didn't think you'd come. f*cking course I'd come.

Thanks, boy. Take a look around you.

When we get back, this is gonna be ours.

We own this place. 7 million euros.

7 million euros. What are we gonna do with it?

Like, invest it in stuff. Invest the money?

In a business or something. We won't think about that now.

Close your eyes. Got a surprise.

Alright.

What is it, Jock?

One second.

OK, open 'em.

Lethal, isn't it?

That's a girl's bike.

No, it's not. It's a cruiser.

It's a cruiser with flowers on it.

Jock could convince you that his sh*t tasted beautiful if he wanted to.

I was around town for ages looking for the perfect bike.

You ring that and I come to you.

It's got the fanny dip thing. I don't want that.

Fanny dip thing, boy. It's got three gears.

I thought I'd give this to you. You don't have bike miles.

Jesus. Talk about lack of appreciation.

I do appreciate it, boy. No, seriously.

Fair play to ya.

Seriously, I didn't realise it was good.

I was just judging it by its colour.

Did you get the same bike? Nah, slightly different.

It's slightly different alright.

Listen to this. Wasn't even locked.

Dickhead.

As we headed out of the city, we both knew that we were never coming back.

Well, emotionally that is, anyway.

We were gonna change, you know? Grow up.

Learn how to be men.

That's a good strong bridge.

And stop doing childish things.

Imagine it.

61 bales of cocaine washing up on the shore.

All we had to do was find one of them.

Nothin' was gonna stop us.

My boys are k*lling me. I don't think I can go any further.

Yeah, we're only in Bandon.

Not even 20 miles outside the city, like.

Here, I got you this to cool you down.

When an icepack is unavailable, you gotta improvise.

Jesus, boy. That's gonna be sticky.

I don't care.

That's nice now. That's all that matters.

Stop, stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. What's wrong with ya?

God, my balls are sticking to the inside of my leg.

Didn't I warn ya? How much further do we have?

About 50 miles. Yes! Are you serious?

I can't pedal like this for 50 miles.

What are you getting angry at me for, boy? It's your own fault.

I need to wash me plums off, boy. Can we go for a swim?

Grand, alright. We're literally in.

Wash our balls, and we're gone. Alright.

Conor.

You busy?

I brought you some tea.

Sorry about last night.

Conor?

Conor?

Here, these jocks are f*cking terrible, boy.

They strangle my balls.

It's Mam.

You gonna answer it?

Have her call me a f*cking moron?

No, thanks. Conor, you f*cking moron.

Where are ya? You promised me.

Call me back straightaway.

It's definitely deep enough.

How d'you know? You can just tell.

But, like, I can see the rocks, like.

Nah. Perspective is different when water is on it.

The rocks are actually, like, really far down.

Magnifies things, water does.

OK, well... You go first, alright.

Can you swim, though?

Yeah.

I can swim, and I can swim pretty well, boy.

You can't swim at all. Who told you that?

It's going all over the place, like.

"It's going all over the place?" Everyone is saying I can't swim?

Well, pretty much, yeah. That's bullshit, like.

Do you not know what people call you in school?

What? 'Finding Nemo'.

'Cause he's got that f*cking gammy fin, like.

They don't call me 'Finding Nemo'.

They call you Nemo. Like, 'Finding Nemo's the title.

f*ck off. Do they actually? A little bit, like.

All I'm saying is if we go down by the steps, you can have a nice little paddle, do your own thing.

No, we're not going in the f*cking steps.

The old man's gonna think we're f*cking pussies. Look at him.

We need to jump in from here.

Alright, if we're gonna jump in, though, we better do it together.

OK? Together?

Yeah.

f*ck it. Alright.

So, on three. Alright.

You ready?

One... two... three.

Hey! There's only 2ft of water.

You'll break your legs if you jump in there.

In God's name.

Crime is sort of similar to going for a swim in the sea.

First you dip your toe in and it's a bit cold, but before long you're in up to your balls and...

It's actually really warm. So warm.

That's it, boy. Come on.!

It's been a while since I swam. OK, just kick your feet.

Jock was always the one teaching me things.

f*ck off! - How to smoke cigarettes.

How to shotgun a can of beer.

How to pick a lock. It was nice to be able to teach him something for a change.

That's it, boy! You got it!

I'm like a seal. Like a seal.

And I'm like a whale.!

Argh!

Should we go back in?

Yeah, come on.!

What's the matter with you? It's Conor.

He's gone missing right when I need to go to the dentist.

You alright? Aye, typical sh*t with him.

I had a fight and he's gone. He's just, you know...

What were you fighting about?

Do I ask you what you're doing with all the fish heads?

No. No.

'Cause it's none of my business, is it?

No.

I learnt everything I know about customer service from me mam.

Sorry. Here, look. Have another fish head.

A salmon one. It's on the house.

Thanks very much. Alright. Go on.

Alright.

Why do you have a little girl's bike?

Why do I what?

Why do you have a little girl's bike with flowers and stuff?

I thought you said it was a cruiser.

It is a cruiser.

A girl's cruiser.

You're such a liar.

f*ck's sake.

Ignorance really is bliss.

And right then, we had shitloads of it.

Can you see that bike up there as well?

Top of the hill? Yeah.

It's been behind us for the last half-hour.

Now it's starting to get closer.

What are you talking about? Just a bit paranoid, you know?

Mind if we take the scenic route for the next while?

Yeah, sure.

Bollocks! He's there again!

Who do you think it is? I don't know.

He's too far away. I can't see.

It's probably just someone going for a bike ride, like.

A fast bike ride, in our direction.

Look, let's not take any chances, alright?

Time for you to use your tall gear.

Hold up, hold up, hold up. What are you doing?

Jock?

Keep sketch, keep sketch.

Just hurry up. We're losing time.

Jock... Jock, don't, boy!

There's a kid's toy in the back.

I don't wanna do it either, but what choice do I have?

We could NOT do it.

If it doesn't break first time, it wasn't meant to be and I won't do it again, alright?

OK, go on.

It was meant to be.

Sketch, sketch!

f*ckin' prick.

Here. Have a look.

f*ckin' prick.

So what are we gonna do, Jock? He's ruining our holiday.

I'm gonna talk to him.

What?

I saw 'Heat' the other day.

You know that film with Robert De Niro and Al Pacino?

I can't say I do, no.

Action movie, full of explosions, g*ns.

Class. Do you have it on DVD?

No, video. Wait. It doesn't f*ckin' matter.

De Niro's the criminal and Al Pacino's the cop.

Al Pacino spends the whole time trying to get De Niro

'cause De Niro's unbelievable, he can't get him.

Like, cat and mouse? Yeah, exactly like that.

There's a scene where they meet in a cafe and set down some ground rules.

If I can go in there and just talk to him, like f*ckin' De Niro and Al Pacino does, like man to man, maybe I can f*ckin' say, "Here, look. Give us a break."

"When we get back, we'll pick it up and it'll be more fun."

You can't just walk in and be like, "Wanna have your head smacked down, boy?"

I'll go up to the table and...

No, don't go up. Go down.

Down? Like that.

"How's it going?" "How's it going?"

That's good. "How's it going?"

"Thought we should have a little chat."

"Thought it'd be good to have a little chat. How's it going?"

Yeah, "How's it going?" "How's it going?"

"Thought it'd be good to have a little chat."

Kinda like, "I'm not scared of you.

"But I respect you." Yeah, see?

"How's it going? Thought it'd be good to have a little chat."

Yeah. Alright.

I suppose you do look a bit like De Niro.

How's it going?

f*ckin'... I told him to nod down, not up.

Thought it'd be good for us to have a little chat.

No, no!

He's wanted by the guards. f*ck's sake!

I just wanted a chat! That's all!

My gosh!

Any chance we could discuss some ground rules for this chase?

What? I don't know.

You could give me a head start.

I'm gonna catch you and lock you up where you belong, you thieving knacker!

Watch who you callin' knacker. Knacker!

f*ck!

Shouldn't you be spending your time chasing real criminals?

You are a real criminal, you f*ckin' moron!

Not I'm not! I'm just having a bit of fun.

Fun? You're nothing but a thieving little f*ckin' knacker!

Yeah, well, chasing me is your whole life, boy, and that's pretty f*ckin' sad.

You little f*ckin' prick!

What happened?

I don't think he's seen that movie 'Heat', boy.

It was around about then when I started to miss working in the fish shop.

There, sir, there you go. And your change.

Lovely. Thank you very much.

Sure, I had to put up with Mam giving me sh*t all day, but there are a lot of benefits to a steady job, like...

..not getting chased by a crazy cop.

Is that your phone?

Yeah.

I bet that's how he keeps finding us.

Come on. Get rid of it.

There's this f*ckin' weirdo trying to chase us.

Can we hide in your gaff? That be alright?

Sorry! Thank you!

My name is Detective Tony Healy. I'm with the guards.

Two lads coming through here, where did they go?

f*ck this, man. No! Wait, wait!

Must have been a different driveway.

No-one came through here.

Look, I can see the tracks leading right up to the door.

I know they're inside. They're from my wheelchair.

You use a wheelchair? Sometimes.

When I'm feelin' lazy. Great for getting around the farm.

Look, I know you're lying to me.

And what are you gonna do about it?

Radio for backup?

Those two little thieving pricks you've got inside, they're gonna rob you blind, and you know what?

I hope they do. Might teach you a lesson.

I have nothin' worth stealing, but thanks for the concern.

Now f*ck off.

f*ckin' hell, mate.

What's he doing?

He's just standing there, looking at us.

Bet he can go days without food or water.

Nice of you to drop by.

It's been a while.

Do you know him?

No.

You boys hungry?

I'm starving.

I'm thinking of cooking a chicken.

I f*ckin' love chicken.

Good. Go out back and k*ll whichever one takes your fancy.

k*ll?

Get him, get him, get him!

Aye! Jesus!

f*ck!

God!

Hey-hey! Whoo-hoo!

Go on. Do it.

I can't.

It's looking right at me.

It's just a chicken. Stop being a wuss.

It reminds me a little bit of me.

What? How?

The way it's staring.

You know, sort of a confused look, like...

..like it doesn't really know what's going on half the time.

He's not dyin'!

He's too strong. You need to pull it hard, like.

Then he'll start bleeding out the front.

No, he won't. Just pull his neck.

One, two, three.

He's dead? He's dead.

He's dead. Alright. Put him in the bucket.

Put him in the bucket. That's it.

He's still alive, boy.

What if you hold his neck and I pull his body backwards?

That sounds fair.

As soon as his legs stop kicking, pluck him.

He did say "pluck him", right?

When you live in the city, you don't see many animals die.

They're all dead when they get there.

It didn't seem to bother Jock much.

He had other things on his mind.

You know, when you've only got one thing on your mind, it can be kind of hard to think clearly.

You can get tunnel vision.

But if you stop and open your eyes just for a moment...

..you'd be amazed at what you might see.

The hell is that?

Look at that.

What is it?

And you made me throw away my phone.

GPS?

I knew he had to be cheating!

I've got an idea.

That was rare enough for me so I was delighted with meself.

The chicken is lovely, isn't it, Conor?

It's alright. Leave it, leave it. It's alright.

Hey, thanks for helping us there earlier.

Yeah.

Yeah, nice that you let us in.

Could've been some other cranky fucker, you know?

What are you staring at?

I'm not staring.

You're staring straight at me!

I'm not staring. I'm just looking at you.

I'm having a conversation with you.

f*cking hell, it'd be weird if we didn't, like.

Do you think this is funny?

No, it's... No, sir.

Dopey little prick.

Don't call him a dope. Don't you shout at me!

I'm not f*ckin' shouting. I said don't call him a dope!

Every time you come down here, it is the same f*ckin' sh*t.

We've never been here before.

I paid for everything. I put you two through college.

We're 15! I didn't even pass me junior cert.

Who do you think we are? For f*ck's...

You've had enough of that now, alright?

f*ck you, I've had enough! This is my f*ckin' house.

I'll drink whatever I like. Sit down and eat your dinner.

That's my f*ckin' whiskey. Give it to me.

Get off me! Give me that f*ckin' bottle!

Get away from us!

Stay back there.

Get out of the way, you little prick.

Alright, stop, stop! What?

What are you saying? Relax, alright, boy?

OK, I'm gonna put the chair down and we're gonna talk, alright?

Alright.

Stay back.

f*ckin' hell! Don't touch it, ya c**t!

I went through all the options in me head and there was only one logical thing for us to do.

Relax! Relax!

No, no!

I'm here! Look!

Look. Stop. Stop.

Isn't this a nice comfy chair?

Do you like this? Yeah? Yeah.

You've just gotta talk to him and he's grand.

Give me the bottle. You can't have that, alright?

We'll give you something later, like a beer or something.

Alright, alright. See? He wants a beer, boy.

Yeah.

That night sitting around watching telly was the closest we had all got to a normal night in for a long, long time.

Yeah, that show is very good.

I think sometimes people do the opposite of what they should do when they're lonely.

The hide away at work, fight with the people they miss most, and they turn to the bottle instead of pickin' up the phone.

Imagine you've been out all night, no sleep, no food.

You're in the same wet clothes.

Same stupid face.

f*ck...

You stuck in there in spite of everything.

At least when it's all over, you can take pleasure in knowing it was all worthwhile.

No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no...

FUC...!

Our treasure's waiting for us around this corner, but there's gonna be loads of guards, drug squad, special forces, helicopters, probably even the army.

Should we use fake names?

Would you stop with the fake names?

Look, if anyone asks, just say we're on holidays.

Got it? Yeah, got it.

Nah, this... this can't be the place.

Here, sorry. Is this Three Castle Head?

Yeah. We're just on our holidays.

You should've seen the place yesterday.

You heard about the cocaine seizure?

No... no. What was that?

Have you been hiding under a rock?

The guards found 61 bales of cocaine.

440 million euro worth.

They got it all? Yep, every last one.

There won't be any parties in this country for a while.

Well, that's not good.

f*ck!

Jock was taking the news that our treasure was gone better than I expected.

I'm not crying, boy. It's just hay fever.

Weren't gonna say nothing.

There's so much grass around here.

The pollen count is really high as well at the moment.

What's wrong with ya?

I've just gotta take a wilder-poo, like.

A 'wilder-poo'?

Yeah, boy, I haven't gone since Cork.

What's a wilder-poo?

It's when you take a sh*t outside, like.

You know, a wilderness poo.

A poo in the wilderness? Yeah.

Well, just go, then. There's no-one here.

But you're here, right?

I'm not gonna look.

I hardly wanna see you taking a sh*t.

Alright. That's not what I meant.

I just need a bit of privacy. That's all.

I'll be back in a minute.

Jesus. f*ck.

Jock! Come here.

I don't wanna look at your poo.

Just come here a second.

What is it, boy? No!

Don't say a word.

Come on.

Be very quiet.

Holy sh*t!

He must be one of them g*ng members.

Has he got what I think he's got?

Our treasure.

f*ck, yeah! You fucker!

f*ck.

Yo. Psst!

He's alive, but he's passed out.

He's bate.

Look, he's got a gammy arm.

He's got a gammy leg too.

He's handicap.

Poor fella.

That'll make it easier. So come on. Give me a hand.

I'm not stealing from a handicapped fella.

He's a drug dealer.

What difference does it make if he's handicapped?

It's like we're being faced with Stephen Hawking.

This is his chair. You don't say, "Let's take his chair."

Stephen Hawking? Who's he again?

The smart guy who's so smart, he can't walk or talk.

Do you not know this fella? No.

"I am gonna invent the universe."

He speaks like he's, like, sucking in.

He's like, "I'm..." Like...

This is what we came for. We're not leaving without it.

He's probably holding onto it for warmth.

It's cocaine, not a hot water bottle.

If he wakes up, we're dead.

He won't wake up. Why are you whispering then?

I'm not whispering.

For f*ck's sake!

He's freezing, boy. We can't just leave him here.

When we're far enough away, we'll leave an anonymous phone call for the guards.

Jesus!

Stop yelling! You'll wake him!

He IS f*ckin' awake!

Arggh! Arggh! sh*t!

Get off!

No! Go... go back to sleep, please! f*ck!

f*ck! Give me my bag!

Go on! Please! Go!

I never really believed we would find that bale of cocaine.

For me, it was just one of them adventures you go on, like looking for your G-spot.

You don't really believe it exists and you're not sure what to do with it if you find it.

We did it, kid. We did it!

We sure did, boy!

For Jock, it's different.

Finding that coke is the only bit of hope he has.

Do you wanna have a gasp and a drink?

I'd really love one. Thanks.

Mind the bike while I'm doing this.

f*ck! sh*t!

What the... What's going on?

It's gone. It must have got cut on something.

What do you mean, it got cut?

There's a hole in the bottom! There's a hole in it?

Look... But it's all gone.

I don't know where. I'm sorry, alright?

Seven million euros worth of cocaine pour out this bag?

How didn't you notice it getting lighter?!

How didn't you notice it coming off the back of my bike?!

'Cause that wasn't my f*ckin' job!

I gave it to you to look after! You have eyes, don't you?

You're some dopey prick, you know that?

Alright, but don't call me that.

Why not? It's what you are.

I'd rather be a dopey prick than a devious scumbag like you.

It's too f*ckin' tight!

If it isn't Lance Armstrong!

Where the f*ck have you been?

Here. Do some real police work.

Who's next there?

I want to report me son missing. He's not answering his phone.

He's been gone since yesterday. That's a photo of him there.

I'm gonna catch you and lock you up where you belong, you thieving knacker!

Watch who you callin' knacker.

Do you remember that prick Billy Murphy?

Well, his time in the slammer was up and while inside, he had a cellmate with a big mouth.

Did I hear something about a fella going around wearing your face as a mask or something?

According to this big mouth, Jock was flah'ing his sister.

Halfway through, he put on his fake Billy mask as a joke, but she didn't find it very funny.

I hear this screamin' coming from upstairs from me sister's room - "Arggh!"

It was just a joke!

"Arggh!"

How's it going?

Who the f*ck was that?! None of your business.

Big mouth put two and two together and got five.

Fake Billy's real name is Conor MacSweeney.

Billy Murphy's friends consist of people he has previously beaten the sh*t out of and they're too scared not to be his friends.

sh*t.

I've been f*ckin' looking for you!

You little f*ckin' prick! f*ck off, will ya?

Come here! Come here, you little sh*t!

What are you doing, Billy? You're f*ckin' dead!

You hear me? You're f*ckin' dead!

Why didn't you f*ckin' tell me it was him?

You're f*ckin' useless. Yeah, look at the ground.

Look at the f*ckin' ground.

Dad, are you home?

Nice of you to finally come home.

You're not gonna tell me where you've been?

Back here when I'm talking to you.

The least you can do is offer me some half-arsed excuse!

Just leave me alone!

What happened to your face?

Nothing.

Are you alright?

Look, I'm grand.

Alright? I just wanna be left alone.

Fine.

How are you, love? Is the battery pre-charged in this?

Should be. Stick in the gas canister and you'll hear a pump if it is.

What are you making?

I'm not making anything.

What's the nail g*n for?

For torturing people.

That's good.

"Torturing."

My husband actually had one of them. They're great.

Yeah. I'll take that.

That's 375, all in.

f*ck.

I don't have any money.

Fsssh...

Sorry, love, you can't have it, so.

Careful - without that safety thing on those nail g*ns are lethal.

Arggh!

Don't do that.

It's stuck in the bone.

Arggh!

Took you long enough.

I'm here now, aren't I?

Are you alright?

Yeah. Fine.

It's actually good timing, you know?

I was just thinking about moving out.

Can I get dressed first before we go, yeah?

Yeah. Sure.

Do you get off on that, yeah?

What goes on in this house is none of your business.

Maybe not.

But I think I just found my new hobby.

Calling all Gardai.

Be on the lookout for a male armed with a nail g*n.

Made you your favourite - chicken nuggets.

No, I've kind of gone off chicken.

Jesus, what the f*ck happened to you?

Nothing.

Are you gonna tell me where you were for the last two days?

No.

Do you think I'm a sh*t mam?

Yeah.

Try having a sh*t son.

Go on, tell me what I can do better.

No, you called me f*cking Ret*rded last week, and there's no need for it.

You can't call your son that or he'll grow up with problems.

Alright. Stop being a ret*rd and I'll stop calling you one.

That's exactly what I mean, like, wh...

I'm messing with you. f*cking relax.

Yeah, but sometimes you're not messing.

Just stop calling me that kind of stuff.

Alright.

You have to trust me a bit more as well.

It's not you I don't trust. It's Jock I don't trust.

Why not? Because Jock's a total f*ck-up.

He's such a laugh, like.

He's the only fella in school that, kind of, makes me feel warm...

Not 'warm', like, but... makes me feel nice, like.

Are you gay? Is that what this is?

I mean, it's grand if you are.

Like, f*ck, it'll actually explain a lot.

No, Mam, I'm not gay.

But if I was, hypopharically...

..hypoth... hypothetic... hypothetically...

Hypothetically. Hypothetically.

He'd be the guy I'd want to be gay with.

Who says that?

Jock, is that you?

Alright, boy? It's alright.

There was this weird-looking fella there came up to me by about 15 minutes ago by the garage.

Hang on a sec. Who's that?

He was kind of sloping down and he was dragging his leg.

A zombie. A zombie. That's what he looked like.

Are you a guard, or what? Do I look like a guard? No.

He had a picture in his hand. Do you know where he lives?

And he was, like, "Conor MacSweeney."

Conor MacSweeney. "Conor MacSweeney."

"Where does he live?" He's a friend of yours.

He looks just like you. All you little f*ckers are the same.

My friend Conor MacSweeney? I swear to f*ck.

He has something that belongs to me.

Cocaine? He said nothing about cocaine.

So you didn't say nothing? What about the rest of the boys?

One of them, alright, no, said...

"We know where he lives, actually."

He was like, "I know where he lives."

What the f*ck you doing, boy?

I nudged him. I was like, "Are you f*cking slow?"

I said, "Shut the f*ck up!" Just tell me where he lives!

Get the f*ck...! Get...

Come here. Come here! Get off me, you f*cking...

Five minutes later, then, I was thinking to myself, "It's Conor MacSweeney he's on about."

Everyone knows where that dopey mog lives.

He's still around, play it wide?

f*ck's sake. Alright. Cheers! Nice one.

See you later. See you later.

Sorry, I gotta do something important.

I'll be back later, I promise!

Look, I just don't want you to be a total f*ck-up, alright?

I'm not gonna be a total f*ck-up.

I'll f*ck up along the way, like, but I'm not gonna...

Do you promise?

..I'm not gonna f*ck up my whole life.

And if I'm being brutally honest...

..you're not the shittest mam in town, so, that's the only compliment you're getting at this point in time.

I'll take that. Thank you.

Well, that's all you're getting, so...

You're not Ret*rded.

Most of the time.

Come on, Mam. I'm only messing with you.

Say one thing good about me. I'm only...

Say one thing good about me or I'm gonna cry!

You're a really, really good son. You're a good son.

That's very vague. What do you like about me?

You're really sweet.

Yeah. Now...

And you're thoughtful. You're so vague!

Pr... what's... what's... what's...

What do I do that... you like?

Do you remember that time on my birthday last year?

And I thought you forgot? Yeah?

And you bought me flowers, and it was just...

..it was just really nice.

Cool.

It was just really nice.

Alright, but don't cry.

I'm not crying.

It was a year ago. I know.

I know.

Eat your food, you weirdo.

f*ckin' hell. You sure you don't want one?

No, I don't want one.

I don't either, actually. It's disgusting.

Told you get the nice ones.

What? Get the nice ones next time.

Yeah.

We're in major f*cking sh*t! But I got a plan!

Jock, my f*cking mam's here.

How are you, Mrs MacSweeney? How are you, Jock?

Can we talk somewhere else? No. We haven't got time.

The dealer we stole the cocaine off is coming. He's not happy.

What? It's not as bad as it sounds.

Yeah, it IS as bad as it sounds.

You're un-f*cking-believable, do you know that?

We wouldn't be in this mess if it weren't for you.

And why's that? Who lost all the cocaine?

Whose bright idea was it to steal it in the first place from a dangerous f*cking drug dealer, Jock?

Quits?

Mam? Mam, what are you doing?

I'm calling the guards before that drug dealer arrives.

What? You can't! Think about it.

Do you really want a convict for a son?

What? Who's gonna cover your days off in the shop when I'm being r*ped in prison?

You're young offenders.

You'll end up in a juvenile detention centre.

There's rapists there too. They're just a bit younger.

Here. Hold this. What are you planning on doing?

Baking him a cake? Buy us some time.

Do you honestly think he's not gonna know the difference between self-raising flour and uncut cocaine?

He's a f*cking drug dealer! Shake it!

Is he far away?

Well, f*ck, I don't have a GPS on him, do I?

f*ck!

Do drug dealers ring doorbells?

You two - stay out of sight. I'm gonna see who's at the door.

Yeah. Use the spy hole.

Make sure he doesn't see you.

You think I'm f*cking thick?

Well, now that you mention... Shut the f*ck up.

Use a fake name. Shut the f*ck up!

Well, who is it? It's a guard.

It's Healy. He knows we stole them bikes.

You stole bikes? Jock stole bikes.

I didn't hear you complaining when you were sitting on one on the way down to West Cork.

What are we gonna do?

I can hear everything you're saying. Open the f*cking door.

Bollocks.

Right. What the f*ck is going on?

Why don't we go inside for a nice cup of tea?

See if we can figure it all out.

How are ya?

You gonna invite me in or what the f*ck?

f*ck.

Good morning. No.

I just... I just wanted to talk to you and put things straight...

f*cking that.

You know it's a good tea party when there's an unconscious guard on the kitchen floor.

Say when.

When.

Sorry. F...

It's grand.

Did I put too much milk in? No, it's grand.

Will I make another one? No. It's... Leave it.

Sorry.

Hi, Conor.

Him? He's not Conor.

What do you mean, "He's not Conor"?

This fella's name's Gary.

What are you doing?

It's your fake name.

Now, I've had a bad f*cking day.

I fell over a f*cking fence.

I got kicked by a young fella.

And I sh*t an old one.

I'm not in the mood for lies.

The only way you're getting out of here without your little pussies being riddled with nails is if you tell me the truth.

Conor Mac-f*cking-Sweeney.

Right? Yeah.

What's that shite all over the floor?

That's cocaine. That's cocaine?

No, it's not. It's flour.

Flour? It's not. It's cocaine.

Didn't I just... say 30 seconds ago that we all need to be 100% honest?

It's cocaine. It's flour.

My God.

Jesus! Take it easy!

It's flour. You can taste it if you want.

Why is there flour all over the floor?

We, like... We were gonna...

..put all the flour in that bag and then just hope you'd run off happy out with a big bag of flour, but...

..you know, Mam came and said, "Nah, that's stupid."

She was right. Yeah, I know.

So. Where's the cocaine?

On a positive note, we might've set the world record for the longest line of cocaine.

Look, we were really pissed off when it happened, like.

We had a huge row and everything.

We were calling each other awful names as well, like.

I'm actually really sorry about that.

Nah, but I'm sorry too.

Christ!

What the f*ck did you do that for? Why?

Do you seriously think I believe you two are stupid enough to lose - lose! - seven million euros worth of coke?

We are that stupid! I swear to God!

Arggh!

Would you stop sh**ting us with that thing?!

Where's the cocaine? Just tell me where the f*ck the cocaine is and I'll go home. I wanna go home.

Would you leave them alone? They're only young!

My God!

Now, see what's have to happening?

All three have holes in your legs.

There was no need for that. There was no need for that.

Don't worry. You didn't miss anything. Go on, get up. Get up!

I'll ask you one more time. What?

And if you don't tell me, I'm gonna sh**t you right through the top of your cock.

No. Please.

Arggh! Arggh!

Jesus. Sorry. Are you alright?

Are youse expecting anyone?

Right, you go. Get that. Bring 'em back here.

And no f*cking super-Gardai sh*t or I'll sh**t her in the face loads of times.

Loads - 'Hellraiser' sh*t.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Hiya.

Hiya.

How's it going?

How's it going?

Sorry, you know, for interrupting your tea, but, I was just wondering there if your son could come out for a game of ball.

Game of ball?

Where is it, Billy?

Where's what?

Look, you don't have to call it 'ball' anymore, but... everyone knows, so...

What do they know?

You don't wanna be messing round with this fella.

Arggh.

Don't sh**t me, please!

Classic, alright.

Our cocaine.

Cocaine, now, is it?

How much did you get for it?

I got millions for it.

Millions! What are you on about?

How many millions? Those are my millions, Billy.

I don't know what he's on about!

Didn't you just get out of prison?

Yeah.

What was it for again, Jock?

Er, dr*gs, wasn't it? I think so.

What was it?

No, it's dr*gs alright. dr*gs. Yeah.

Relax.

I'm gonna ask you once, Billy.

Where... is my f*cking... cocaine?

What are you looking for? A bit of coke, is it?

I can get coke. Is that alright with you?

Yeah. There's no problem. What do you want, a couple of grams?

f*ck! That really hurts!

Now, Billy, the coke - where is it?!

I dunno!

The clip. What clip?

Gotta pull the thing.

It's not the clip!

That's enough. He's out cold.

They say if you wear a mask for long enough it can be hard to take off.

I'm not talking about any stupid psychology sh*t.

It has something to do with the glue going off.

It clings onto your skin.

Everything I just told you is 100% true.

Well, most of it, anyway.

I did have to adjust the facts a bit for the telly.

We are so lucky to have Gardai like Sergeant Healy, er, to protect us from dangerous criminals. He's our hero.

Healy tried to get them facts straightened out, but his superintendent didn't seem to give a sh*t.

The station needs the publicity.

It's a great story, so shut the f*ck up and take the promotion.

And no more bicycles.

Jock had his day in court for stealing bikes.

He was given a suspended sentence because of his abusive upbringing and was placed into foster care.

And guess who became a foster parent - with great reluctance, I might add.

That's some useless bollocks. Look.

You on the jammy rag or what?

It was nice that she had someone else to yell at other than me for a change.

I'm your son now. You're not my son!

I am your son. I didn't adopt you.

I love you. My God.

Billy Murphy found himself back in prison.

Did you find your man? - This time for attempted m*rder so we won't be seeing him for a while.

Mam visited the local butcher and finally got her gammy tooth sorted.

I don't envy that fella. As for me...

Alright, this mackerel here came from over that hill and only took 20 minutes to get here.

That's how fresh it is. Alright. Go on. Give me four.

So what else are you selling that's local?

You're looking at it, but.

Sure I can get that for free.

Where one treasure hunt ends, another one begins.

We've got other stuff too, like. You interested?

Alright. Go on. This is an oyster.

A delicacy really.

People call me the oyster of the land because, you know, my hard exterior and soft, emotional interior, do you know?

Pulling that sh*t again? "You're looking at it."

At least he's not a f*cking streak of misery.

A streak of misery? Hrrrgh.

Is that how I look? Yeah.

Excuse me. You want a fish, dear? Hrrnggh?

Is that what I'm like? Shut up.