I'm Not Ashamed (2016)

[bunniefuu]

I want to be a light, but it feels so dark.

It's like...

I have a heavy heart and this burden on my back.

There's something in me that makes me want to cry...

...and I don't even know what it is.

America and the world mourns, as the biggest school sh**ting in U.S. history took place today at Columbine High School.

According to reports, two gunmen came in sh**ting, and began working their way through the school.

What police and everyone else are looking for now is a reason for the v*olence that tore this quiet school and suburban neighborhood apart just weeks before graduation.

Rach, it's okay.

Just try and get some sleep.

Are they getting a divorce?

Mom? Can you pay for my car insurance?

You said you would. Um...

Yeah, I don't know yet.

It's really expensive, Bethanie.

Unbelievable. This is so lame.

Oh, you know what? I picked up some extra houses to clean, so I'm gonna need your help with the kids tomorrow.

I'm not their mother.

Okay, guys, now that your dad doesn't live here anymore, we're not going to have as much as we used to.

So each morning, we're going to pray for what we need. Okay?

Okay.

Dear Jesus, thank you for these precious children.

You tell us to come to you for the things that we need.

So, Lord, I pray for gas money to get to work.

I pray for cute clothes for school.

And car insurance for Bethanie.

And lots of stuffed animals.

Amen.

Congratulations!

I saw you got the lead! Thank you! I did!

Congrats!

Thanks, man, I appreciate it. I'm excited, honestly.

It only took me three years, so... Yeah.

This just proves that no one notices me.

Everybody treats me like I'm 14.

So you didn't get the lead in the school play.

Who cares? You're just a sophomore.

Uh, Alex was a sophomore when he got his first lead role.

It's true. I know. He doesn't even know my name.

And Mrs. Diaz said she's gonna let him write the play next year.

Well... I know Alex a little.

I mean, he was the only boy in my dance class when we were kids.

He's pretty hot. Mm-hmm.

For a drama guy. Not exactly my type.

We both love acting.

He would be perfect for me.

I could see that.

I just want a real boyfriend.

You know, guys never think of me that way.

Well, let's change that.

I'll get him to notice you.

But first, you have to stop wearing these hats that you've been wearing since the fourth grade.

Look at me. Thank you.

He probably wouldn't like me anyway, so...

Don't say that.

Now, just let me work my magic, and I'll see if I can arrange for something this weekend.

You're the best, Maddy.

Don't call me that. Ooh...!

Stop it! I hate it! God!

Now, I'm gonna do the best that I can do, but I need you to make sure that he doesn't just see you as a friend, if you know what I mean. Got it.

Totally.

Don't ever do that in front of him. I was kidding.

Ever. That was bad.

Come on, the guys are already there.

Unless your mom has a crystal ball, no one's gonna find out.

Yoo-hoo. Yoo-hoo.

We've got liquid courage. Rachel!

Come on.

Rachel.

I can hear them from my room.

You know Mom's gonna bust you.

Well, don't say anything.

I'm not gonna lie for you again.

Come on, Dana.

Don't be such a goody-goody.

This night could be huge for me.

Fine.

Thanks. I owe you one. Seriously.

Rachel! It's gonna be kind of weird hanging out with drama guys.

# In the aftermath #

# My music in my... #

Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

Well, that's what he asked me to do.

I think it's kind of cool.

Thank you.

Welcome, ladies.

The pool is open exclusively for our personal guests. Don't get too nutty, 'cause we're not technically supposed to be here.

Well, this is Celine, and this is Gabby, and Rachel.

Alex, you two should get to know each other.

Have we met before?

I think she tried out for the play.

Villager number four. That's it, yeah.

Well, come on in. The water's warm, and... we have drinks. So do we.

# La, la, la, la-la... #

I think I'm gonna go check on Gabby before she pukes in the pool.

We'll miss you. But, hey, you should show Rachel your ballet moves from the fourth grade.

You know, that's tempting.

I just might.

I'm not like my friends.

What do you mean?

I can't really be fake.

And they are?

No.

No, I didn't mean it like that.

We've been best friends since elementary school.

It's just...

I mean, look at them.

All the guys want them.

But I want the guy I want to want what I am and... not the fake version of what I think I want to think that they want to think that I am.

Interesting.

I'm not a social plastic person.

Just wanted to get that out there.

That's cool. What is it?

I don't know, really.

Sometimes I just draw what I feel.

You're an artist?

I'm all right.

I actually write more than I draw.

Oh, I act what I write.

You know, people like us, we have stories to tell.

You know, and acting, it... really brings those words to life so people can really feel it, you know?

Yeah.

That's why all the world's a stage...

And all the men and women merely players.

They have their exits and their entrances.

You like Shakespeare?

Yeah. Course.

I want to write plays, too.

Well, I can help you out, you know, show you what I know.

My process. That'd be cool.

I can take a look at your writing, too, if you want.

I connect through writing.

Words are the window to the heart.

Yeah.

You're, like. deep.

Are you spiritual or something?

No.

Not... no, not really.

Really? 'Cause, you know...

I'm a spiritual guy myself.

You know, I like to take in the energy around me for my art.

Yeah. Guess I'm like that, too.

Mm.

Hey, you guys are too dry! Come in!

No, we're good.

Come on! Come on!

Well... if that's what you want.

You know, I want what you want.

But just in case you wanted to know, I want you to want to come in the pool. Just... wanted to get that out there.

# Here I am #

# Just waiting, and the world #

# Is passing by #

Girl, come here!

# All alone in my sanctuary #

Oh! Careful.

# Coming back to life #

# I wait #

# In the aftermath #

# My music in my mind... #

Bye.

Rachel Joy.

I prayed over pillows tonight. Where have you been?

Out with the girls.

Why is your hair all wet?

We went swimming.

What if something had happened?

I need to know where my children are.

Sorry, Mom.

You smell like smoke.

And... booze.

Are you buzzing?

Mom, nobody says that.

Oh. Okay, well, you're grounded till you go to your Aunt Bea's.

What? Mom, that's, like, the whole summer!

Exactly. This kind of behavior will not be tolerated under this roof. I told you.

Shut up, Dana.

Rachel, we're gonna have a long chat about this in the morning.

You're better than this, Rachel Joy.

I can't even control them.

Larry went from no kids to five kids overnight.

He's still getting used to everything.

I'm so scared that he's gonna regret it.

Beth, don't say that. I think it'll be good for Rachel to get away from her friends for a bit.

I'll be. Sometimes I don't know what I'm gonna do with that girl.

Being at the farm with her cousins is gonna be good for her.

We have been looking all over for you.

Here I am.

Rach... you're kind of different this summer.

I just wanted to be alone.

For four hours?

Rachel... what's really going on?

I just want to help.

Well, you can't.

You would never understand. Your family's perfect.

No, we're not.

I'm sorry.

It wasn't supposed to be like that.

Sometimes I don't know who I am.

It's not like I'm trying to do the wrong thing.

I just can't help it.

I used to try so hard to get it all together, but... none of that worked.

I had to let God in.

I've done the whole church thing.

I know about Jesus.

I know it sounds crazy, and it's really hard to explain, but... it's about truly living a life for Jesus.

And when you do that, you'll have this sense of peace.

I don't know.

That's just what worked for me.

Rachel, life can be really hard, but listen to me, God does not waste anything, not even the bad things.

# And everybody's got a wound to be healed #

# I want to believe #

# There's beauty here #

# How many times have you heard me cry out #

# "God, please take this"? #

# How many times have you given me strength #

# To just keep breathing? #

Lord, I'm sorry for everything that I've done.

Jesus, I ask, forgive me, and I ask you to come into my life.

Father, use me to be a light to the world.

# Oh, I need you #

# God, I need you now #

# I need you now #

# I need you now. #

Rach, why do you always draw the same flower?

Why, are you mad I haven't drawn it for you yet?

I actually am, thank you.

Rachel, I know you've been thinking about a lot of things, and sometimes it helps to just write down your thoughts, so I wanted to give you this.

Thanks, Aunt Bea.

You're welcome. Love it.

God, I'm sorry I ever doubted you.

I'm sorry I didn't trust you.

You know what you're doing, and you know what's best for me.

From now on, I put all of my faith and all of my trust in you.

Hey, Austin.

Oh. Uh, hey, Rachel.

What a ret*rd. Right.

Rachel's got a new... ba-ba-ba-boyfriend.

Not exactly, Sean.

Ooh... Are you jealous, Dylan?

No.

First day of school sucks.

Hey.

At least the guys have a tan. Mm.

Hey, look at these fly girls!

Brian Riggs! What's up?

Hey! How's football going? Hey.

We're gonna rock this year. Well, we'll finally have something to cheer for, then.

Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, uh, dude, Shep's parents are gone all semester, so we're gonna have mad ragers, like, every weekend.

You guys got to come.

Oh, we'll be there. Let us know when.

Yeah, most def.

Hey, uh, this is K.J.

Uh, he just came from California.

Plays linebacker. K.J., this is Gabby and Madison.

Hey. What's up?

Welcome to Columbine. Good to meet you.

Let's bounce.

See you around.

See what I mean? Guys don't even see me.

Hey, we're working on it.

Have you talked to Alex yet?

No. But I have drama class with him sixth period.

Good. This is the time to strike.

You've got to stay on his radar. Totally.

Okay. But I'm not going to be fake.

Girl, you couldn't be fake if you tried.

Dude, you sound like a hyena.

He looks like a hyena. Yeah, seriously, you sound like an idiot.

Let's go! Come on! Get him!

Yo! It's time for dork bowling!

Come on!

Oh!

Strike!

Yes!

I'll k*ll you, Riggs.

Oh, I'm so scared. Ooh...

Don't look at me.

You got something on your back, yo!

Dude, every time, every time.

I hate those guys.

Just another day at Columbine.

Why does it always have to be so cliquey here?

I thought it was gonna be different this year.

One of h*tler's central themes in his writing is that it was a n*zi's responsibility to aid evolution by exterminating less evolved people groups.

In his opinion, that was those who had different-colored skin, were religious or were handicapped.

h*tler thought natural selection should be actively aided.

Come on, dude.

You're never gonna change what's happening in there.

That's just the way the world is.

Well, I want to change the world.

Okay. Good luck. What's your plan?

Don't know yet.

Do you ever feel like you can't see your future?

You know, feel like... like it might be your last year?

No.

Super morbid.

It's not, though.

It's more like... something big's gonna happen.

Like a chain reaction.

Not sure what that means, but I'm here for you.

I never made it to class.

Of course you didn't.

Alex Dickerson?

Really? Maybe.

If I work the radar.

Am I gonna lose you as my prom date already?

I thought that was only if we couldn't find anyone.

Yeah, well, neither of us have in three years.

You'll find someone.

Welcome to Advanced Drama.

In this class, you will get the privilege of creating, producing and performing the spring play.

Mr. Alex Dickerson here will be our playwright.

I've got something for you. Hold on.

You know when you meet someone, and in, like, the first few minutes they're, like, a soul mate?

No.

Alex is like that.

He gets me.

It's like he was made for me.

Miss Scott, is there something that you'd like to share with all of us? No, not really.

Very nice, Miss Scott.

But this isn't art class.

Uh, theater is one of the six classic art forms, so I'd argue that... this is art class.

Brownnoser.

Well, I stand corrected, Mr. Dickerson.

Okay, all of you underclassmen will be paired with a senior mentor. And... these papers I just handed you are your pairings.

I know.

Okay, so, is he still, like, your mentor or whatever you call it? Yes!

Hey, spazzes. One of you had better won the lottery.

Alex and Rachel are going to be doing drama geek stuff together. Oh, this is so perfect.

Okay, he told me that he's gonna be at Shep's party tomorrow, we have to be there.

Okay.

Okay! Party! Whoo!

Um, can you go get us some drinks or something?

Who is that? I can't remember his name, and I feel like it would be way too awkward to ask now.

Celine... you have to be careful. Like, what... I'm fine.

What if he... Seriously, I'm fine.

Okay.

Now go do whatever it is you do.

That whole non-fake thing.

You can do this. Okay.

Hey, mentor.

Hey.

Did you have something to do with us getting paired up?

Must have been the theater gods.

They might have known that I missed seeing you this summer.

Yeah, I... got grounded for most of it, so...

You know, there's a lot going on behind those eyes.

You should try out for the female lead in my play.

I'd need a good mentor to help me prepare for the audition.

Bummer. You're out of luck there.

Alex?

Hey! How are you? Hi. Good. How are you?

I'm great.

I heard you're writing a play? Yeah.

I'll see you in class.

Yeah.

See you Monday.

How are you? I'm doing well. How are you?

I'm great. So, like, what was your inspiration?

Hey, Larry. Hey, Rachel.

You know, that old Acura's getting pretty lonely.

I don't want to talk right now.

You sure? You should think about letting me use it.

I just got home from work... I don't want to have to think about anything.

Hey, honey. Hi, honey.

Are you tired from... filing debit and credit reports?

And punching the calculator?

I am, actually. Oh. Exhausted.

Mom, when's Dad coming to get us? I don't know.

Uh, he was supposed to be here an hour ago.

Son, do you have to play that thing right here?

Son?

I am not your son.

You know, and there's a logical reason to this, if you let me drive the car, I could drive myself to work, and Mom wouldn't have to. Beth...

Right? make her stop.

Rachel, he's not used to all this.

You're gonna have to give him some time to decompress.

Why don't you help me with dinner?

Queens hate to cook, Mom. Come on, Larry, please?

The car needs a new catalytic converter, and foreign parts are expensive.

You could even teach me how to drive my car.

No, it's my car, and I said no.

He said no, Rachel.

For now.

Come on, Larry.

I need my chariot.

Not gonna happen. Fine.

But I at least need a smile before I let go.

Mm-hmm. Come on.

More than that.

Get those pearly whites out there.

My work here is done.

Thank you.

Oh.

Yeah?

Okay.

Bye.

Your dad has to work, so he can't have you this weekend.

But he wants you to know that he loves you and he misses you...

He will talk to you soon.

Thank you.

If the lady doesn't get anything, she can't stay.

I don't want crazy people in here.

Can you go ask her to leave?

You want me to?

I'm busy.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Excuse me.

Uh, my friend here would like a...

A coffee.

A French press.

And... a bagel.

With cream cheese.

Perfect.

Thank you very much.

Okay.

May I?

Thank you. Oh, you're welcome.

So, where are you from?

She paid.

That would be wonderful. It's not far. Oh, good.

"Not far" is on my way.

I couldn't impose. Oh, no, you're not.

It's not a problem.

I don't understand why having a walk with God is so hard for me.

I'm so weak.

At school, with friends, at work.

Today it was like I let a wonderful flame pass by me and into the hands of another.

Those gloves have become the gloves of conviction to me.

I'm not going to miss another opportunity.

From now on, when I have those little nudges inside, I'm going to listen.

Remember, living for Jesus is not always easy, but it's always right.

Hey, thanks for coming to Break Thru.

See you here next week, same time, same place.

Don't forget, we have pizza in the back.

Yeah! Pizza! Sweet!

You're the best, Amy.

See you at cell group on Wednesday?

Yeah, absolutely. Okay. Bye.

Bye.

Have you seen him before?

No. But he's not exactly the type you'd want to take home to Mom, so...

Let's go. I'll be right back.

Okay. Hurry. I want to go.

Hi.

I'm Rachel.

Uh...

Hey.

Uh, see you.

Um... I just wanted to welcome you to Break Thru.

Hey.

You never told me your name.

What are you doing here?

Kind of rude for you to just walk off like that.

I don't... really like church.

Why'd you come?

For the food.

Look, you should probably go get in your daddy's car and go home. I don't have my own car.

Or my own dad at home.

I walked.

Fine. I'll walk you back, then.

This really isn't a place for a girl like you.

What does that mean? It means you don't really fit in around here.

I don't care. Hey...

Can I help you?

No. Okay? I don't...

I don't need some dumb little sister I got to look out for.

I've never had a big brother before.

Come on, you must need something.

You're not just gonna get rid of me.

I'm not leaving until you tell me something you need.

Shh. Okay?

That's not helping.

What are you doing?

What does it look like?

Would you please just go?

I don't need a dumb big brother.

I'll buy it for you.

I just got my paycheck. What else do you need?

You don't have to do this.

Okay? I can take care of myself.

I'm not so sure.

You can't even buy your own food.

It's not for me.

So, who's the food for?

My mom.

What's her deal?

Hm. She's really sick.

It's... it's her own fault, though.

She's barely eating anymore.

Oh.

She used to like pizza.

So, where do you live?

Oh, she lost the apartment a few weeks ago, so I've just been sleeping wherever.

Are you gonna be okay?

Yeah, I'll be fine.

We have our cell group at the church on Wednesday.

What's that? Is it, like, prison or something?

Yeah, that's totally confusing.

It's just a group of friends.

We hang out, and we're there for each other.

Yeah, that's cool. I want you to come.

No. That's-that's not for me.

If you don't, I'll come find you.

Rach!

Where have you been? I've been waiting for forever.

Oh, crap! That's my sister.

Got to go.

Wednesday. Don't forget.

Hey.

Nathan Ballard.

Good to meet you, Nate.

Seriously, what have you been doing?

Are you seriously copying Brian's homework?

He's got a 2.0.

Hey. Hey.

Alert. Thrift store shopper.

Ew. Who would wear that?

Nothing wrong with vintage.

I guess.

You okay, Celine?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Is there anything I can pray for you about?

I will be so glad when you get over this whole Jesus freak phase.

Oh, definitely don't do that with Alex.

I think he likes my spiritual side.

Trust me, it is a really big turnoff.

I'd get rid of all the fat, Ret*rded, crippled, stupid, ignorant, rich, worthless people of this world.

Yeah.

No one is worthy of this planet.

Only me and who I choose.

Everyone should be sent out into space, and only the people I say should be left behind.

Yo!

Look at these fartknockers!

What's up, four-eyes?

Hey, yeah, help your buddy out, guys.

Good teamwork.

Yo, give me some.

Boom! Whoo!

If only this was Columbine.

Bam!

Maybe it could be.

You're sick, man.

You're the one who brought it up.

I wasn't serious.

Hey. Hey, guys.

Let's get started, okay?

I'll be right back.

Hey.

I'm right here.

You scared me. Now you know how it feels.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just making sure my dumb little sister doesn't walk these streets by herself.

I brought some food for you to take home.

Or wherever.

Thanks.

You want to come inside?

No.

I-I don't.

I'll go play in traffic if you don't.

It's been such a stressful week.

I've got this huge test coming up in physics.

And I hate physics.

Okay, well, we will pray for that.

I know it's your first time, but... if you want to share about how your week has been...

Yes, he does. No, I don't.

It's okay.

Um... well... my week kind of... sucked.

It's... well, my dad's in jail, and, uh... my mom, sh... uh, she's a... she's a heroin addict, so she's... she's not eating anymore.

You know, it's, like...

She's staying in this house that's full of junkies, so I've been living in an alley near here the past couple weeks.

And, uh... it's just really hard to get a job, you know, without an address.

Are you okay?

Where are you going?

What was I supposed to say?

That's exactly what you should have said. No.

I'm not like them. And I'm... definitely not like you.

How do you know?

You haven't even bothered to get to know any of them.

Listen...

I get it.

You've had it rough. Hey, Nate.

It's Nathan.

Nathan.

Sorry. Um... it's not much, but... if you want, um, you could stay at my place until you figure things out.

We got a couch in the basement.

If that doesn't work, um, I think... some of the other guys are checking with their parents, too.

Thanks, man.

That's...

You can call me Nate.

It's cool.

Tony.

Eric? Why are you still at home?

You're three minutes late.

Oh, man. I slept in.

You slept in again? What, you don't own an alarm clock?

I'm running late. So what? Ride the bus, Eric.

I'm not gonna ride the bus with those idiots!

Look, man, I'm not your personal taxi service.

If you're not here in five minutes, you're dead.

I know where you sleep.

Hey, yo, R.J.! Hey.

Got a date to prom yet? No.

He never asked me.

What?

Want to bet on that? Shut up.

Mm!

Sorry, R.J., this is Dave.

Just moved here from the Springs.

Hey. Hey.

You like it here so far?

It's all right.

I don't really know many people yet.

Why'd you move?

Parents separated.

I've been through that.

Mom took us up here and we moved in with my aunt.

Well, they're not divorced yet.

Maybe there's some hope.

Maybe.

Hey, I got to run, but if you ever want to talk, let me know.

All right.

Thanks.

I'm going to meet with my mentor.

Ooh, zee mentor. The mentor.

Ow! Ow!

Get that part!

I just lost my date to prom.

I've never been in here all alone.

Well, I figure if we practice in here, then when you audition, it won't be such a big deal.

You'll be comfortable with the space.

Good idea.

Even though all the world's my stage.

And Alex and Rachel merely players.

They have their exits and their entrances.

Oh, bravo.

You know, that's a poem read by a depressed guy about death.

Or life.

Depending on how you look at it.

Step on up here, my muse. This... is where it all begins.

You are so full of it, Jason!

I'm done. I'm never talking to you again!

I know you can do better.

I just don't really believe you yet.

It's okay. Just close your eyes, okay?

And imagine how she feels.

Okay, the passion.

The anger.

The attraction.

I'm going to play practice. Again?

Honey, that's every night this week.

Mom, you know how important this is to me.

Yes, I know, but don't be late.

You have homework to get done.

And I expect you to stay up as late as you need to to get it done! Okay!

You know, my... my parents, they weren't really there for me.

My dad just up and left when I was a kid.

My mom was left with nothing.

I haven't talked to him in years.

It leaves a hole inside, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Whoa... Oh, wow.

Madison didn't tell me you were that good at ballet.

I have many secret talents. Mm.

I'm about to fail this geometry test.

Thank God I'm an artist.

You need a mentor?

Oh, only if it's you.

You're welcome.

I take complete credit for this.

You look so cute together! What happened?

Tell me!

I'll see you guys. See you.

Hey, you. Hey.

How's the play going?

So good.

I think this senior guy likes me, and we totally connect in so many ways.

Well, it better not be in every way.

Don't worry, he's great.

Hey!

Hey, don't read that! I want to be in the mind of Rachel Joy, to know everything about you.

I've pretty much told you.

"Oh, God, give me strength.

"Help me choose a path we both know is right.

The path that leads to you."

What's that all about?

Just some stuff I wrote a while ago.

Wouldn't just call it "stuff."

That's really good.

Don't you think it's weird how similar our families are?

Yeah.

Yeah, we're like...

I think we were meant to find each other.

We both know the same pain.

Yeah.

But it's okay, you know, 'cause pain, it... it gives us an energy that we can channel for our art.

I mean, sometimes you need the darkness to bring the light.

Yeah.

Now, use the pain!

You are so full of it, Jason. I'm done.

I'm never talking to you again.

Well, that's just it.

We can't be done.

I love you.

Was that acting, or was it real?

Well, aren't they the same?

You were brilliant.

My acting or the kiss?

You're ready.

I'm Rachel Joy Scott, and I'm auditioning for the role of Andi in "The Chance of Possibility."

Thank you, God.

Yes!

# I got the role, I got the role #

# I got the role #

# Got the role, got the role #

# Role... #

Hey.

So?

Yeah, I got the lead role!

Oh! Congratulations, girl!

The drama queen finally has her crown.

Hey, I heard Alex is gonna rewrite the play for you.

How'd you know?

He told me... how great you were.

He kissed me, too.

Oh! Oh, my God!

You got the part and the boy.

Everything you wanted. Your life is complete.

It's nice to be wanted for once.

Yeah. Maddy?

Thanks. Oh...

You're a great friend. Don't get all mushy on me.

It's not a big deal. It is a big deal.

It's, like, her first one. So cute.

Maybe we'll go to prom together. Oh!

Easy, tiger, let's see if we can make it past Christmas first.

I hate this school.

Yeah... me, too.

We'll get our revenge.

Kick natural selection up a few notches.

This is Jesus's blood shed for you.

Do this in remembrance of him.

This is Christ's body.

Do this in remembrance of him.

This is Jesus's blood shed for you.

Do this in...

Hey. Hey.

Did you get the job?

Yeah.

I mean, I mean, I finally had an address I could put on that application.

Thanks.

For everything. I don't... know where I'd be.

Hey, it's what little sisters do.

You want to come sit?

Oh, I'm staying with Clay's family till I save up for first month's rent.

That's awesome.

I meant to ask you... what's with the dog tags?

Oh.

These are my grandfather's.

He fought in World w*r II.

Were you close to your grandpa?

Yeah.

I... I mean, I lived with him until he d*ed.

He pretty much raised me as a kid.

Wow.

I love it.

Super vintage.

So, I got you something.

Yeah... close your eyes.

Huh.

Merry Christmas.

Uh, what is it?

It's a journal.

So you can write down your thoughts or poems or songs or whatever.

And then any time you have a thought or we want to tell each other something, you just put it in there and we can trade it back and forth.

All right.

It's cool.

Uh... how's the play going?

So good.

Yeah? Mm-hmm.

When do I get to meet Alex?

I don't know.

Sometime.

Uh, why don't you just invite him to cell group?

I don't know if it's his thing.

Well, it wasn't my thing, either.

Uh, hey, you... thanks for this.

It's... cool. I mean, most people wouldn't give a freak like me a journal.

I'm glad you like it.

I'm gonna draw a lot of pictures.

Good.

Thank you, guys. Yay!

Did you make a wish? I bet she forgot.

Yes, of course.

Happy birthday.

Well, this box isn't big enough for an Acura.

Exactly.

But it is big enough for the key.

Oh, my... Thank you! You're welcome.

Thanks, Mom!

Now, your mom and I can trust you, right... not to do something stupid or illegal with the car?

Yes.

We just want you to be safe.

Pinky promise.

That doesn't even mean anything.

Yes, it does.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

# Your eyes... #

You know, prom's coming up.

Oh, yeah, it is.

What, in like two months?

More like a month.

Hmm.

So where do you think, like, we are right now?

In the woods? No.

Like... like, in our relationship, like, where do you think we are?

Oh.

Well, I don't know, I mean, I feel like what we have is so good, I-I don't want to mess it up by putting a title on it, you know?

Yeah.

No, I like it, too.

Just... sometimes it's kind of nice to know if something's official.

Hmm.

Yeah, I just...

I just don't think you can always define things with words, you know?

I feel like what we have is so much stronger than human constructs like language.

Yeah.

I think we should just let it be what it is.

And what's that?

A heart connection.

But are we, like, exclusive?

I mean, I know I am.

No, I... I can't imagine connecting with anyone like we have.

I think I'm ready to take it to the next level.

A toast.

To the famous actors.

That was so awesome you invited those kids to Break Thru.

Yeah, they're good kids.

Saw them on the streets every day.

You would've done the same thing.

I wish you had your own phone line.

Pray I won't drink this weekend.

I don't know how to describe it.

I feel numb.

Distant from God.

I don't know why.

I have nothing to complain about.

Everything's going great.

I wish you could tell me what's going on with you, 'cause I want to try to make it better.

I'm gonna do a lot of praying for you this week, 'cause, uh, I think you need it.

My passion has sunk to a new low.

I want more.

I ask for a bigger desire of it, but it's like I'm stuck.

I want to tap into something higher.

I hope you understand what I'm saying, 'cause I don't know how else to say it.

You know, we seek for answers in a world of lies.

Just don't believe the lies Satan will tell you.

You feel like God's not watching.

But you're number one in his sight, 'cause believe me, when you're stuck and you feel like you can't go any further, he still believes in you.

Sorry, I got to go to bed now.

Pain, pain, go away.

Come again another day.

Because of you, I'm led astray.

I'm sorry, but it wasn't mine.

Either way, it's not exactly legal to drive around minors who are drinking.

We trusted you.

Mom, I wasn't drinking.

Maybe you should just quit the play.

Mom, you can't do that.

We're a few days away, and that's not fair to everybody involved.

You come in smelling like smoke.

Dana says you're not even going to Break Thru anymore.

What's going on?

I'm fine.

I don't like you going to these parties.

That's where people are that need light the most.

I'm trying to make an impact.

I think they're impacting you more than you're impacting them.

I'm gonna take away your keys until your mom says you can have them back.

Are you serious?

Guys, I didn't do anything.

Don't forget to recycle.

Hey, stranger.

Hey.

I... miss seeing you around.

I know. I'm sorry.

Just been really busy with the play and stuff.

Yeah. But, hey, opening night's this week.

Are you gonna come?

I wouldn't miss it.

And I got you an Easter present.

Easter?

Is that not a thing? No.

But I'll take it.

Nate... are you sure?

If it weren't for you and my grandpa, I don't know where I'd be.

You accepted me for who I am, and...

I want you... I want you to have them.

So sweet.

I love it.

Really.

What's up with the hemp necklace?

It's not really your style.

Alex gave it to me.

Yeah, why don't you bring him around?

I just don't know where I stand with him right now exactly.

What does he say?

Just that we're gonna finish the play, and then we'll figure things out.

I mean, is he kissing you while he figures things out?

Sort of.

"Sort of"?

But most of it's for the play.

Well, is he a Christian?

He's really spiritual.

I thought you said you wanted a Christian boyfriend.

He really respects my faith.

He just believes in a lot of things right now.

I don't know why you mess around with that guy.

You know, out of all people, I didn't think you would judge him.

I'm-I'm not judging. I'm just...

Uh, Rachel, I think you're being stupid.

You know, I thought I could talk to you about this.

Well, you can.

For the first time, someone really wants me.

He makes me feel like I am somebody.

Rach, I think you really deserve someone better.

He is better.

Places, everyone.

What if we lived in a world with endless possibilities?

But is that even possible?

Gosh, Andi, don't be so impossible. I'm not!

I'm full of possibilities.

I don't know what you want me to say.

Why not give possibility a chance? Right?

Is there still a chance we can give this a possibility?

You are so full of it, Jason! I'm done!

I'm never talking to you again!

But that's just it.

We can't be done.

I love you.

Aw...

Awesome. Thank you, Austin.

That means a lot.

Hey, I'm gonna go, but you did awesome.

Bye.

Hey.

Hey, Rach.

Uh...

Mm. Yeah.

You... yeah, you were real good, you know?

Some of those lines were a little weird, though.

Thank you. Who's the critic?

Nice suit.

You must be Alex.

Um, Alex, this is Nathan.

Alex wrote the play.

So, what'd you think?

I liked everything about it... except you.

Let's get out of here, Rach. We're going to Shep's.

Bye, Nate.

Hey.

You better take care of her.

I think Rachel can take care of herself.

I don't know what she needs you for.

Nate, stop it!

What are you doing?

He's like a white hat alumni, and he can't even dress himself.

I'm so sorry. I... I've never seen him like that.

I'm not gonna let any negative energy intrude tonight.

It's time to celebrate.

Let's party, guys!

Now that the play's over, I really want to figure things out with Alex.

What's there to figure out? You guys are a thing.

It doesn't totally feel like it.

You missed a button.

Celine, I...

I worry about you with always having a new...

What?

Leave me alone. I'm just having fun.

You should have some fun, too.

Okay.

Oh, hey-hey, look who we have here.

You know, Madison might have been the best ballet dancer in the fourth grade, but Rachel is by far the best actress in the school. Alex, you're such a spaz.

We produced a hit play!

You look ravishing tonight.

Part of me is glad the play's over.

It's loud. Do you want to... go somewhere we can be alone?

I can't do this. It's okay. Just trust me.

There's dog food in here.

We can go somewhere else.

No. That's not what I'm saying.

Well, I thought you wanted to take it to the next level.

No, not like this.

I meant a commitment.

I don't even know what we are.

You don't?

After all that we've felt together?

I mean... just... be in the moment and go with those feelings.

Trust me, I... I want what you want.

I'm not so sure.

I need some space. Rachel...

Have you seen Alex?

I thought he was with you.

No, we were making out...

TMI, girl.

I think you should just chill.

No, I have to find him before things get weird.

Madison?

Rach... What?

It just happened. How could you do that?

You were being kind of high-maintenance.

I just wanted to explain... why I left and... what I believe in and...

I don't really respond to limitations, Rachel.

I told you that this Jesus freak thing would be an issue.

Wait, are you...? Are you, like, a... serious Christian?

What, you didn't know that?

Looks like you needed a better boyfriend.

He wasn't my boyfriend.

Then you needed a better mentor.

You don't like me much, do you?

People like you are just intolerant, self-righteous hypocrites.

That's a pretty intolerant stereotype to put on millions of Christians.

God's just some outdated cultural construct.

How can you really believe in some being up in the sky that you can't even see?

Sometimes you have to see with your heart.

Is this when you try and convert me?

I'm not like that.

I just want to live my life for Jesus and let people take whatever they want from that.

That's cool.

You sound more like a Buddhist than a Christian.

Maybe you should get to know one.

It's second period.

Where's Celine going?

I don't know.

She's a big girl.

Who cares?

I care.

What do you want?

Why aren't you at school?

Just didn't feel like it.

What are you... my parole officer?

No.

Celine, I just wanted to talk.

Who is that?

Look, now's not the best time, okay?

I'll call you later.

Celine... I am sick of ignoring it all and pretending like everything's okay with you.

Oh, please, Little Miss Perfect.

How could you possibly understand?

I know what it's like to be in pain.

You don't know anything.

You think you make a difference here?

Well, you don't.

Celine, I'm not trying to fix anything.

You change nothing.

Nate, I wish you were here right now.

I wish I could be numb to the pain, instead of numb to God and you and everyone else.

I feel like I'm fading away.

Like I'm beyond repair.

I don't even want to live through the night.

Things are coming at me from all different directions, and they can't be blocked.

There's nothing you can say or do to help.

I know that's hard to hear.

I put this face on as a strong Christian to everyone but you.

But I'm not like that on the inside.

I'm just not as strong as you.

Words don't seem to help anymore.

Maybe we shouldn't write.

I'm worthless.

I make no difference.

No one notices.

No one understands.

No one cares.

Not even God.

I'm drowning in my own wake of despair.

Choking, my hands are wrapped around my neck.

I'm dying.

Quickly my soul leaves.

It isn't su1c1de.

I consider it homicide.

The world you have created has led to my death.

Hey.

Hey, no, I'm-I'm so sorry.

I don't... I don't know what's gotten into me lately.

You know, and I... I did not mean to lose it on that guy, just, I... I was really just trying to look out for you.

No, no... You were right.

I should've listened to you.

Are you okay?

You kind of saved my life today.

I did?

Yeah.

I wasn't in a good place, and I just wanted it all to end.

And I thought it was the only way out.

But then I saw your dog tags.

And I was like, "If-if I die, he's gonna think it's all his fault."

And I didn't want you going through life thinking it had been all your fault.

'Cause that fight we had.

Okay, you...

I'm-I'm glad you're here.

Me, too.

If you need to talk, you know, you can... you can talk to me.

I miss my big brother.

Do you want to go inside? I mean, everyone's gonna be really excited to see you.

Okay. Okay?

Dear Heavenly Father, Lord, we just thank you right now.

God, we just ask for your... for your strength over Rachel, Lord.

We just want her to feel your presence, Lord, and experience some peace.

God, I just thank you for loving her...

I am not going to apologize for speaking the name of Jesus.

And I'm not going to hide the light that God has put in me.

If I have to sacrifice everything...

...I will.

I will take it.

I lost most of my friends at school.

That's kind of weird.

She's spending time with Jesus or whatever.

What does that even mean?

Now that I've begun to walk my talk, they make fun of me.

But you know what?

It's all worth it to me.

So, how's everything else going with you?

You know, being betrayed by your best friend sucks.

But the worst part was that he didn't know I was a Christian.

Rach, you just got to be you.

I know.

I wasn't being real.

I'm not gonna let that happen again.

Check this out.

Okay.

So, you're not gonna be a... beer-chuggin', pot-trippin', cigar-puffin', drug-dealin' Christian?

No, I'm a God-lovin'... Huh?

Satan-slammin', Jesus-freakin', world-changin' Christian.

Warrior for Christ.

Oh, that's-that's tight.

Well, people aren't gonna accept us for our faith.

But it's okay.

We have to love and serve them anyways.

And I'm talking compassion, forgiveness.

I mean, if we don't, what's gonna attract them to God?

So... what about Madison?

Well, maybe not her.

Come on, Rach!

Oh, the angry ex is coming over.

Madison, can we talk?

What for?

Oh, my gosh. Would you look at her clothes?

Talk about your thrift store special.

Like, someone else's B.O. is in that.

Madison, when can we talk?

I don't see any real reason to, Rachel.

It is what it is.

I can't help what happened, so... just... go, all right?

Hey. I'm Rachel.

Wow.

Is that vintage?

Looks great on you.

It's a little too pastel for my taste.

Hi. I'm Celine.

Reagan.

Hey, Rach, look, about the other day, it's just my mom and her drunk boyfriend.

They're all messed up.

I just didn't want anyone to know.

Celine, I wouldn't tell anybody.

I just worry about you.

Why? I'm, like, the most perfect kid.

You know, my mom would totally let you stay with us.

We should probably stop ignoring her.

It's gonna be like Oklahoma City, the L.A. riots and World w*r II all mixed into one. Yeah.

Like a video game.

I-I want to leave a lasting impression on this stupid world.

Start a chain reaction. Yeah.

Boom! Bah!

I've always been drawn to hands.

I think it's because it's the way that we touch people.

Compassion is the greatest form of love that humans have to offer.

I have this theory that if one person can go out of their way to show compassion, it could start a chain reaction.

How do you know that trust and beauty and compassion won't make the world a better place to be in?

Tomorrow's not a promise... but it's a chance.

You just might start a chain reaction.

And what's behind all of this is my faith.

I'm a Christian.

And... I'm not trying to be weird, or convert anybody or anything like that.

I just wanted to be real with you guys and let you know who I am.

Jesus gave his life for me... and I'll give my life to him.

Just wanted to get that out there.

Thank you, Rachel.

Okay, up next... we have Eric and Dylan.

Let's watch their video on how they would change the world.

Those bullies are always picking on me, and I don't like it.

Can you help? Yeah. You know we... can't have weapons on school grounds.

But if you can get them away, we'll take them out.

For $2,000, we'll get rid of them.

Permanently.

Do we have to watch this?

No, we don't.

Okay, I think we've seen enough.

That... would make the world a better place.

Yo. It's... it's Rachel, right?

Yeah. We've only been in class together all semester.

I know. I'm bad with names.

Hey, I didn't know you were a Christian.

Now you do.

Now everybody does.

Was it too much?

No. That was dope.

I've been a Christian for a while now.

Just started going to FCA, though.

I had no idea.

It took me a little while to find my place around here, being the new guy and all, but... I'm all good now.

I've been here my whole life, and I'm still working on it.

But what you said back there was really cool.

You inspired me.

Hey.

Look out for my friend Austin when I'm not around.

All right.

Got it.

Later, Rachel.

Later. Ah.

I remembered.

What's your problem?

What? I know you did that.

Did what? I didn't stop your stupid Jesus speech.

You think you're better than us? No. No, I'm not better than anybody. Oh, I know you're not.

I got to get to class.

You're just like all the others.

Compassion. Yeah, that'll work.

So, you gonna go?

Hey, R.J.

So, has, uh...

Alex begged you to take him back yet?

No. He's into Madison's aura now.

Well, good, because...

Look, we always said that if we never find anyone else, then... we would go.

I'd be honored.

Yeah? Yes.

May I have this dance, mademoiselle? Yes, you may.

Bethanie!

Oh! Thanks for coming. I wouldn't miss helping you get ready for prom. Aah!

Look at that dress!

Oh, it's perfect! Let's get you ready.

# Oh, oh, oh... #

# Oh, oh, oh #

# Whoa, oh #

# Oh, oh, oh #

# Whoa, oh #

# Oh, oh, oh #

# Whoa, oh #

# Whoa, oh, oh #

# Whoa, oh, oh... #

# I saw it in your eyes #

# Tonight #

# The disappointment that #

# You tried to hide #

# Wondering if the world you... #

So, I hear you and Kevin are writing next year's play.

Yeah.

Mrs. Diaz asked us.

You'll do great.

Let me know if you need any help.

Technically, I'm still your mentor.

Always the generous one.

Oh, look.

They're playing our song.

We don't have a song.

I know.

I wish we would have, though.

This one would have been a good one.

# The night is young, you are mine tonight... #

Hey.

I wish it didn't go down like that.

You know, I... I never meant to be drawn to her energy.

I couldn't help it.

# Sparkling, sparkling... #

Well, it hurt.

A lot.

I'm trying to forgive you.

I don't know, I...

I think we just view life differently.

Yeah.

Although we can agree on one thing.

All the world's a stage.

And the men and women merely players.

They have their entrances... and their exits.

Bye, Alex.

Let's get out of here.

All right. Hey, Maddy?

I miss you.

# Shimmering and shining #

# Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh. #

Hey, C. Having fun?

How can you stand talking to her?

I would have made a voodoo doll or something.

I don't know.

It's... it's hard.

But...

I think forgiveness is one of those things that can change the world.

Always trying to change the world.

I'm so tired, Rachel.

Of all of this.

Of my life.

I don't even know why I'm here.

Well... usually, you come to these things to make out with guys, so...

I just want something like you have.

You can handle the pain.

Come over next week, when we don't have, like, people dancing around us... and we'll talk.

We'll talk all about it.

Yeah.

I can't believe I'm saying this.

But maybe I'll even do that whole breakdown, breakout, break dancing that you do.

Break Thru? Yeah. Whatever.

Why can't I see my future?

I can't picture myself going to college... getting married.

Any of it.

Nate... if God loves me so much, why does he put me through so much pain?

I mean...

I don't know.

Life's gonna be hard sometimes.

But... he's there.

You know?

And, uh... as hard as that is to grasp... he's in control.

Hey, Austin.

How's it going? Going to chemistry.

You want to do something this weekend?

Uh, with who?

With me. We can go, like, see a movie or something Friday. We... we go on a-a real date?

Yeah. Sure.

Have you ever been on one?

Oh, yeah. Lots of them.

I didn't know you were such a player.

With my mom.

Got it.

Well, sorry I'm not your mom.

You're prettier.

You are a player!

See you Friday, Austin.

Yes!

Yo, at least a nine.

I hear you, bro. Yeah, I see you. I see you.

Got that 2.0, baby!

Yo.

Look, I mean, you keep throwing, you keep hitting like you do, bro...

Hey, man, just trying to be more like you.

Just make it... make it do what it do, bro.

Hey-hey-hey, hold up. Is it...

Andrew? Au-Austin.

Right. Austin.

I suck with names.

Give it here, man.

Yeah.

Check this freak out.

Yo, you got a problem?

Let's bounce. Come with?

Sure.

Are you sure about this?

Yeah, I'm sure. All right.

Here, buddy. Yeah.

When the bombs blow up, it's gonna be awesome.

Boom!

The library will fall on the cafeteria, and when they all run out, we'll be waiting outside to take 'em out.

Time for a kick start!

Finally, we are gonna make things right.

We'll be heroes.

Heil h*tler.

I can hear 'em now.

If... only we would have reached them sooner, or-or found this tape!

Oh, if only we would have searched their rooms.

If only we would have asked the right questions!

Too late.

Am I the only one who sees?

Am I the only one who craves your glory?

All I want is for someone to walk with me through these halls of tragedy.

There's something in me that makes me want to cry...

...and I don't even know what it is.

Good morning.

It's Tuesday, April the 20th, 1999.

We have a clear, sunny spring morning in the Denver metro.

On this day 110 years ago, Adolf h*tler was born.

Creepy. Also on this day in hist...

Rachel! You're going to be late.

Love you, Mom. Bye. Mm.

Craig! Come on, let's go!

I love you, too.

Come on!

I'm coming.

Finally. How's your hair?

Perfect.

No spots.

Now we have to park across the street again.

Sorry.

Why do you wear this anyway?

Those white hats are bullies. Well, I'm not one.

I know. I just don't want people to think you are.

It's just what the team wears. Hey. Well, think about it.

Is that what you want to be known for?

Later, lame-o.

Dylan, give me the list.

Hey, Rachel. Hey.

Hey, um... do you think we could talk at lunch?

Is it your parents again?

Yeah. Yeah, let's talk outside.

No one will bother us out there.

Cool. Thanks.

Yeah. See you.

And I want a cute dress.

Oh, I need to get my nails redone.

These are already chipped. I'll go with you.

You want to go after school? Yeah.

Read this. Okay?

Yeah. Okay.

What is this?

I have no idea?

Rachel, that's amazing.

What is it?

Just something I was inspired to draw.

It's not finished.

It's my tears.

13 tears.

Why 13?

I don't know yet.

Rachel, I see a bright future ahead for you.

I'm gonna make a difference in the world.

Somehow.

Rachel...

I have no doubt you will.

Hold on. Hey, Rach.

Hey.

I, uh... read your letter.

Good.

Uh... we're going to lunch.

Want to come? It's just me and Gabby.

Thanks, but I already told Dave Rogers I'd eat with him, so...

Do you even know him? No.

No, not really, but... he says he needs to talk, so...

Okay. Yeah.

But hey, uh, tomorrow, maybe?

Yeah. Meet at lunch?

Totally. Okay. Yeah?

Tomorrow? Yeah.

Okay. See ya.

Bye. Bye.

Hey.

Hey. How are you?

I'm good. You ready?

Yeah.

They're going through with the divorce.

It just sucks.

Well, you know.

Yeah.

It's been ten years, and it's still tough on me.

Look who it is.

It's past the time.

It should have went off already.

Plan B.

How'd you get through it?

I don't know. Mm.

There's no easy answer.

But I don't think that God wastes anything.

Not even the bad stuff.

Is this some kind of prank? Go! Go!

Well, Rachel... where's your God now?

What would Jesus do?

Do you still believe in God?

You know I do.

Then go be with him.

Here at Columbine High School, eyewitnesses say that two gunmen came in sh**ting and began working their way through the school.

At first, many students dismissed it as a prank, until teachers raced ahead to classrooms, yelling for students to run.

And then he came into the cafeteria, and you could hear, like, bombs and shotguns going off.

And then he came into the library... and he was gonna k*ll us if we were of color, and... if we had a hat.

People were getting sh*t all around me.

12 students and one teacher were k*lled, and more than 25 seriously injured before the two teenage sh**t took their own lives.

To the people of the community of Littleton...

I can only say tonight that the prayers of the American people are with you.

I'm sorry, Rach.

I just wish those weren't my last words to you.

If I... if I had that moment again, I would have told you I love you.

I don't know why they k*lled her.

Rachel never judged.

She was what a Christian ought to be.

Hey, Rach.

It's me, Maddy.

I miss you.

And I just wanted you to know that you taught me about forgiveness.

I love you.

I think you'd find it really ironic that I'm meeting with Amy, that cell chick leader.

Thank you for never giving up on me.

What, uh...

...what happened to her...

I haven't lived the best life.

And, uh, people always saw me as a problem, and I... I prayed that...

God would send me somebody to love me, to make me feel wanted.

I just thank God for sending me an angel.

She was, and, uh... she made me feel special when I didn't even know what that was.

And, uh...

...she...

I know you're in Heaven, Rachel, and...

I want you to know that I will love you until I see you there one day.

These hands belong to Rachel Joy Scott...

And will someday touch millions of people's hearts.