Sam: Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Well, not only is skin the largest organ in the body, but another interesting little tidbit about skin is that the human body sheds about 3 pounds of it over the course of a year.
Some of mine just crawled away.
I don't understand. Where does it go?
Into the atmosphere. Dust.
What?
Yeah. Yeah.
About 75% of all dust is human skin.
That is really interesting, Mr. Clavin.
Yeesh!
Cliff, dust is not skin. That's ridiculous.
You think I'm making this stuff up?
It was 2 whole chapters in the big book of skin.
Come on. Frasier, straighten him out, ok?
What happens to old, dead skin?
Apparently, it sits on bar stools and drinks beer all day.
♪ Makin' your way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you got ♪
♪ takin' a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away ♪
♪ sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ♪
Sam, I've been fiddling around with the computer in there, and I just can't seem to enter Rebecca's system.
Take a number.
Exactly why do you want to use Rebecca's computer?
Because I just have this great idea that I think would really improve things in the bar.
Yeah? Like what?
Well, I'm gonna tap into the corporate payroll system and give myself a big raise.
How would that improve the bar?
Well, I'd be a much happier employee and less likely to do things like this to customers.
Well, best of luck, then.
You can't get into the main computer without Rebecca's secret password.
You know that.
Yeah, well, I'm trying to figure out what the password is.
Well, it's usually something personal.
How about "loser"?
I tried it.
Uh, "funky"?
Tried it.
How about "hard-working young woman who never gets the recognition she deserves"?
That's too many letters.
Then how about "screw-up"?
Worth a try.
Go for it.
I'll tell you, if I ever ran this bar again, if it was mine, there'd be a lot of changes around here.
I would have raises right across the board.
Woody, how much you make an hour?
7 bucks.
You're kidding me.
I only make $6.80.
Hey, Carla, try "skinflint"!
What are you reading there, wood?
Well, my landlord raised my rent, and, you know, I like my neighborhood and all, but I lived there for a long time.
I guess it's time to move on.
Because if you're not looking at the sports...
Hey, check this out.
High-security building, large units, back bay area.
They only want 250 a month.
No way.
Just out of curiosity, Woody, what's this place called?
Acme self-storage.
It sounds pretty swanky, huh?
Woody, I have a feeling you really wouldn't like to live there.
Why not, Dr. Crane?
Is it because you live in the back bay?
Is it because you'd be embarrassed to have me as your neighbor?
Well, this is a free country.
I can live anywhere I want.
Ok, but no loud parties.
No luck, Sammy.
I guess... I don't know... I can't get into that computer.
I'm just going to keep on working for peanuts.
How about peanuts?
That would be a stupid password.
No, I mean pass the peanuts.
Cliff sneezed all over the pretzels.
Oh, yeah, sure. Like I was the only one.
You know, I've had a password lock on my computer for years.
You see, after every session, I transcribe my notes into my PC.
We're talking about some, you know, very sensitive, intimate, sometimes shocking information nobody should be privy to.
For example, take a look at this guy, and this lunatic's a judge.
My whole world is a void...
Empty and without meaning.
There's no point to anything, and there's nothing left to do but just count the minutes until I die.
Hear that, g*ng?
Our hive has found a queen.
To the queen.
What's wrong?
My life is garbage.
Ah, Rebecca, cheer up.
Have some pretzels.
Ah, no, no, no.
What's the trouble this time?
I just found out that Robin bought a house on the left bank for his babe Jean Marie.
Bought her a house? That's tough.
Big deal. Him buying a house is like anyone else buying a dozen roses.
Yeah. Or a box of candy.
Or an engagement ring.
Thanks, Woody.
I just like to participate.
Frasier.
You're possibly 5% smarter than anyone else here.
What do you think? Do you think that he bought her a house for, you know, maybe just the heck of it?
I've seen this sort of thing a lot.
What, people buying houses for no good reason?
No. Desperate women like you grabbing at straws.
Pathetic, isn't it?
I've got to quit fooling myself here.
Robin called from the airplane and left a message on my answering machine and said that he needed to talk to me.
We all know what that means.
He's gonna break up with me.
I have a question.
When he left that message, he was flying on the Concord, right?
Sure, but what does that have to do with it?
Well, it doesn't make sense.
I mean, if Mr. Colcord was flying faster than the speed of sound when he left a breakup message for you, wouldn't he get here before you got the message?
No. You see, that telephone sound is being carried by radio waves, which are much faster than normal sound waves.
Let's say you and I both are going to break up with Rebecca, only I just have a megaphone, right?
And you're doing it over the radio.
How far away is she?
Like a mile.
By the time she gets my message, she's already crying from being dumped by you.
Hey.
That's amazing.
Well, you know, you think that's amazing, wood, according to Einstein's theory of relativity, if twin babies wanted to break up with Rebecca, and one's traveling...
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
I am in pain here.
Isn't it dangerous to have a baby on a rocket ship?
What should I do, frasier?
Well, are you certain that Robin intends to leave you?
What else could it be?
And the bad part is, all I can do is stand here like a sap and wait for it to happen.
Well, rather than playing your usual passive role, why don't you take an active stance and b*at him to the punch?
You mean break up with him first?
Exactly. Preserve your pride and dignity.
I guess that's what I needed to hear.
Thank you.
You know, interestingly enough, there are some people who actually feel a moral obligation to pay for this sort of advice.
Yeah, well, they don't know you the way we do.
And based on his conic configurations, halley's conclusions indicate that a human being traveling on his comet could conceivably break up with Rebecca once every 76 years.
Oh, darling. Did you get my message?
Yes, I got your message, Robin, and I also found out that you bought a house for your little charge d'affaires, and don't you try denying it because I have got proof.
I am sick of you stringing me along like this.
I am a human being, and I deserve to be treated like one.
It's about time I stood up and told you what I really think of you.
Rebecca, I was wondering if you might consider moving in with me.
Ok.
Good.
Ow!
Jeez.
Sorry.
Oh, this thing weighs a ton.
I'm sorry, Sammy.
Actually, I loaded it up before we left.
You know...
I think it's actually the damn ice that makes it so heavy.
Care for a fudgesicle, Sammy?
Hey. You guys, don't take a break now.
There's still lots of stuff to be brought in.
Too late. Already open.
Hey, if your boyfriend's so rich, then how come he didn't hire professional movers?
Yeah.
Well, he would have, but I wanted to get in here and surprise him before he got back from Zurich tomorrow.
I'm making him meat loaf.
Rebecca, how does your corporation feel about you sharing a bed with the competition?
You know, norm, I've been doing a lot of soul-searching about that lately, and I've come to the decision that I don't care.
Isn't it great here?
It's so beautiful. It's like a palace.
You could get lost in this place, huh, wood?
Huh, wood?
Oh, here you are.
Oh, man.
This is like a dream come true for me...
Me here alone with the man I adore in our cozy little love nest.
Big deal. He bought Jean Marie a whole house.
It was just a going-away present.
Robin always gives women a furnished house when he dumps them.
That's class.
I usually just give them a made-up phone number.
I can't believe it.
Every day, for the rest of my life, I'm gonna be waking up in Robin's bed.
Ooh, and check out that bed.
I swear, you could lay 6 people end to end on that thing.
If they were cute.
No, Sammy, look at this. Check it out, man.
Look at that canopy, and check out those furnishings.
That's the maid's room.
I guess that would explain the little old lady in the nightgown.
Sorry!
Miss howe, what's that room down the hall?
That's Robin's playroom for his executive toys.
Don't go in there. You're not allowed to touch anything.
Oh, ok.
All right, Woody. 5 minutes if you stop pouting.
Bye.
[Printer squeaks]
Well, well, well, what's this, hmm?
Norm, don't touch that.
That's Robin's. It's probably personal.
You bet it's personal.
It's being addressed to "sweet baby."
What?
This is from the corporation. I don't get it.
Sweet baby is my password to the company computer.
How come it's coming up on Robin's printer?
I don't know.
Look at this. Marketing strategies, advance bond issues, confidential executive memos.
This stuff's supposed to be top-secret.
What do you mean, top-secret?
She means that it's insider information, Sammy.
It's illegal for Robin to have this.
As a matter of fact, it's illegal for us to have it.
Norm, you touched it last.
No, no, no. Your fingerprints are all over this. Look.
Yeah, but you set me up.
You gave me a fudgesicle. It's all over it.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute, you guys.
Let's not jump to any wild conclusions here.
Let's just look at the facts.
Now, all we really know is that Robin is using my secret password to break into my corporation's confidential files.
And from the date on these, it looks like he's been doing it since...
Well, since the day after we first slept together.
So all I think we can really conclude from this is that...
I am too stupid to live!
I don't believe this.
Oh, man.
Is everybody having a nice day?
Is this guy great or what?
You can make him do darn near anything with this remote.
Can you make him strangle me?
Well, let's see.
I know you can make him punch someone in the groin...
Or maybe that was just a fluke.
Woody, Woody, take it in there.
I cannot believe that Robin would use me like this.
Yeah, I know. He seems like such a decent guy.
I mean, it's not like he ever, you know, cheated on any of your friends in a business deal.
Oh. No, no. Actually, he did, didn't he?
At least you never caught him with another woman.
Oh, sh**t. That happened, too.
Well, maybe this is the very last bad thing he does.
Yeah. That's it.
Gee, Sam, do you think so?
Rebecca, maybe you are too stupid to live.
It's quite obvious from this information that Robin's planning a hostile takeover of your corporation.
And since that's your computer password, it could look like you're in on it, too.
Wait a minute. I could go to jail for this.
Well, forget it.
I'm just going to take this information, and I'm gonna have to turn him in.
If he thinks I'm going to go to jail to save his butt, he can forget it.
There you go.
But it is the cutest butt.
You should see it when it comes out of the shower.
Yeah, that's ok.
No, it beads all up like a shiny new car.
That's really ok.
Yo, Woody!
Hey, Woody, we're leaving, man!
Right behind you, Sam!
Beep beep!
So is Robin dead meat yet?
He's got about another 15 minutes, then Rebecca's going to go down and have a meeting with the board of directors, spill the beans.
How is she holding up, by the way?
You know, honestly, I've never seen her like this.
Really upset.
You know, the first guy I ever fell in love with did the same thing.
He treated me like a dog.
He borrowed my car, he sold it, he gave the money to his other girlfriend, and then he didn't even have the decency to apologize.
But I got even with him.
I'll bet you did. What did you do?
I married him.
You remember Nick, huh?
Anyways, I agree with Rebecca.
That colcord's a creep.
Yeah. Yeah.
Tell her the worst part.
She made us carry this huge, heavy desk.
No. The part... she could go to jail for this.
Yeah, but, Sammy, that was some heavy desk.
What kind of wood was that made out of?
It must have been oak.
It's one of your heavier grains. Yeah.
As any lumberjack will tell you, though, it's not the toughest one to cut through.
Doc, what do you think the toughest thing to cut through is?
Your unending bull.
Now, look, I think it's appropriate that we all consider the fact that Rebecca could possibly go to prison for this.
Can you imagine our helpless Rebecca in a women's prison?
Yeah.
Come on. Wait a minute. This is serious.
What do you think, Sam? What do you think she'll be wearing, huh?
Faded cutoff jeans with a work shirt tied just above the belly button, or a tight uniform that sweats through when she's wrestling the sadistic warden?
Huh?
No, no, look, later, later, you know?
At the end of the day when we have a moment to relax.
What are we talking about here?
She's not gonna go to jail.
She's gonna turn that rich creep in.
I better go see if she needs a ride or something.
Hey, cliff, wet t*nk top, no bra, tussle in the shower.
Hey.
No, no no. Whoa, whoa. Save it for later.
Time to go.
Whoo! Did I miss a poker game in here or something?
I'm such a wreck, Sam.
This last 24 hours has been a blurry stream of chocolate and cigarettes, cigarettes and chocolate.
I'd k*ll for a chocolate cigarette right now.
I just... I can't go through with this, Sam.
I just can't do it.
Hold on. No, you got to, here.
You got Robin's papers.
All you got to do is go down and hand them over.
I don't see what the problem is.
The problem is that I love him, Sam.
Oh, you're not thinking rationally.
Why do you say that?
You're about to light a tootsie roll.
You don't love the guy. Come on.
What do you know about it?
You're not there when we're alone together.
He's warm and tender and giving.
He's a crook.
That's just his way, Sam.
He's not an evil person.
I know in his heart of hearts that he really does love me.
You know, there's a lot of women that are higher up in the corporation than me, but he chose to take advantage of me.
Doesn't that tell you something?
I mean, would it be so terrible if I didn't turn him in?
What would happen?
He would go to jail, and you would go to jail, too.
I know, I know.
Any chance we'd go to the same jail?
How much are you going to take before you realize this guy is no good for you?
I don't know, Sam. How much does it take when you're in love with someone?
You know, I've heard stories about you and that Diane girl.
You put up with her for 5 years.
5 years. What about that?
Sweetheart, if I could have sent her to prison, don't you think I would have?
Anyway, it's not just between the two of you.
There's, you know, shareholders, their families.
Thousands of people could be hurt by this.
If you don't do something about it, it's gonna be on your head.
I know. You're right, Sam.
Yeah.
Ok.
I'm ready to talk to the board of directors.
That's my girl.
Just don't turn your back on them.
Why, because they're all as treacherous as Robin?
No. You just sat in a snickers bar.
Darn. That's my favorite.
Guys, she's going for it.
Give 'em hell, Rebecca!
Give 'em what for, there, Becky!
We're proud of you.
Snitch!
Well, I guess I'd better go call Vera back.
What are you talking about? She didn't call.
Yeah, she did. Yesterday.
Something about a flat tire, interstate.
What the hell was the number of that call box?
Is Rebecca here, perchance?
She was supposed to have moved into my apartment, and not only is she missing, but I seem to be missing some documents that I... Need.
Well, she just left on an errand.
I believe it had something to do with nailing someone's rich hide to the wall.
I see.
Do tell her I was here.
You bet...
Sweet baby.
How you doing there?
Trying to figure out the best way to approach this.
I guess I should lead off by saying that I knew nothing about it.
But if I convince them that I knew nothing about it and all the information came through me, then I'm gonna look like a fool.
I think that's your ace in the hole.
He'll see you now.
Excuse me. What's this supposed to be anyway?
Here I go. Wish me luck.
Good luck, babe.
Rebecca. My darling.
What are you doing?
I'm turning you in.
You used me.
And don't try to deny it, because I've got proof.
Robin, I am a human being, and I deserve to be treated like one.
It's about time I stood up and did what was right.
Good-bye, Robin.
Rebecca.
Will you marry me?
Ok.
Whoa, whoa, wait a second!
Wait! Come on! Open your eyes here!
He doesn't want to marry you.
He's just using you.
Actually, yes, I am. See?
I'm using Rebecca to make me the happiest man on earth.
Oh, man. Isn't he the sweetest baby?
Get out here. Listen. He's just marrying you to shut you up so he can take over the corporation.
Yes, to give to her as a wedding present, and now you've spoiled the surprise.
I don't believe you!
Honey, listen, you got the evidence in your hand right here.
If somebody comes out and sees this, you're gonna be guilty, too.
Yes, well, then we must make sure that no one sees it.
Excuse me.
Boy, you really come prepared, don't you?
I guess our business here is finished.
For Rebecca's sake, this conversation never happened.
The part happened where you proposed to me, didn't it?
Of course, my darling. That was destiny.
Where's miss howe?
Uh... she went down to plug the meter.
That seems very odd.
Why is that?
We validate.
Oh.
Oh, well. Here's the elevator.
I'll run down and tell her that.
Yes. You might also tell her that we're deeply concerned about her behavior.
Uh, why is that?
After she called this emergency meeting of the board of directors, we did a little research on miss howe, just to remind ourselves who she was.
Turns out she works for us.
How about that?
We also discovered that she's been receiving a great deal of classified information on her personal computer.
We were hoping she was coming here to explain her actions before we turned this matter over to the authorities, which we'll do right now.
Whoa, whoa, wait. Excuse me, but it's not Rebecca's fault.
It's not her. It's Robin colcord who planned this whole hostile takeover thing.
I mean, she called this meeting to warn you.
It's not her fault.
Robin colcord?
Yes. Yes, sir. He's the one you want.
He was just using her to get information.
She was like an innocent dupe.
Mr. Malone, you're making a very serious charge against one of the leaders of our financial community.
Do you have any evidence to back it up?
Yeah, you bet I do.
You want evidence? Look at this.
If this doesn't clear Rebecca's good name, I don't know what will.
I mean, look at it.