Sam: "Cheers" is filmed before a live studio audience.
Ok, Mr. Peterson, it's your turn to send a tape recorded hello to my folks back home.
I don't know what to say here, Woody.
Just hurry it up, will ya, normie?
I got some audio gems that'll have them howling in the old hoosier state.
In the old hoosier state.
Ok, just let me find the end of miss chambers' message.
All right.
Your son is a hard-working young man.
You should be proud!
We at cheers certainly are.
[Tape fast forwards]
I think it's a little further along here.
I believe it was Elizabeth Barrett Browning who said...
[Tape fast forwards]
Now let me tell you a little bit about myself...
[Tape fast forwards]
Fill me up. I think we're in here for a while.
♪ Making your way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ♪
Okey-dokey. Mr. Peterson, found the end of miss chambers' message.
It's ready to go.
Um... hi, folks.
This is norm.
[Tape stops]
Oh, no, that's the end of the tape.
I'm sorry you didn't get to leave your whole message.
That was the whole message.
Oh, thanks.
Sam, two beefeater martinis, please.
[Hums]
Well, you're just bubbling with energy.
Oh, you must have mastered the childproof cap on your flintstones vitamins.
Yeah. That's pretty cute, Diane.
Hmm. Scored again.
I guess I'll be saying that a lot tonight.
You got an evening of romance planned, Sam?
Yeah. I sure do.
Who's the bimbo du jour?
That's the girl, all right.
Claudia's been a tough nut to cr*ck, but tonight's the night she's gonna be enjoying all the rides in Sammy's magic kingdom.
She's in for a Mickey mouse evening with goofy as her guide.
Boy, Sam, I wish I could read women like you.
I mean, I can never really tell when a woman likes me.
Hey, Woody, women give off different subtle signs of interest.
Me, I stand there naked with a Rose in my teeth.
I'll watch for that one.
Sam, what signal is your date giving you?
Not only is Claudia mentally undressing me, she's mentally fixing me breakfast the next morning.
I'm sorry this is taking so long here.
I hope you're not getting bored.
Oh, no. I enjoy watching you work.
I'm glad to hear that.
You know, I've got some mirrors at home. We can both watch.
[Telephone rings]
[Ring]
One second. Yeah?
Yeah, as a matter of fact, he is.
Hold on one second. Cliffie, telephone.
Somebody wants to talk to cliff?
This is a first, bud.
I don't think anyone's ever called you here before.
I know who this is. It's a tootsie on my route who's been eyeing the cut of my jib through her levelors.
Her old man's probably out of town.
She's looking for a little c.O.D...
Cliffie on demand.
I know how to handle this babe.
Hello.
Listen, I never want to speak to you as long as I live! Good-bye!
Who's that?
It was a man who has the nerve to call himself my father.
He'd have to have nerve to admit that.
Are you still carrying a grudge?
Damn straight how would you feel if your father deserted you at the formative age of 9?
Well, cliff, don't you at least want to hear what he has to say?
Perhaps he's trying to make amends.
No way. I don't want to have anything to do with that bum.
I know how these father/son relationships can be.
I remember my dad didn't want me to get serious with Vera.
He'd heard that she had loose morals. You're kidding?
Actually he got the story wrong.
Turns out she had loose molars.
At least you had a father figure, norm.
Norm.
Yeah.
Sam.
Hmm? Yes, five minutes, we'll be out of here.
What's this?
A date of yours reading artforum magazine?
And it's right side up, too.
I hope this doesn't mean we're going to have to talk afterwards.
Why do I keep trying to communicate with you?
It must be the Margaret mead in me.
That's a wonderful issue.
Yes, it is.
Did you happen to read their article on Chinese tapestries?
Yes. It was fascinating.
Wasn't it?
The only problem was
20 minutes later, I wanted to read it again.
Ha! Reads and has a sense of humor.
Did you lose a bet?
Excuse me?
I'm Diane chambers.
Claudia Mitchell.
So, you and Sam are going... Out?
Yes, we're going to try that new Indian restaurant, rajah's.
Oh, I understand their chef is a master of tandoori cooking.
I don't really know that much about Indian food.
It's the one area where I'm not really able to be pretentious.
Well, I am, so we have the bases covered.
Mind if I sit down?
Please!
I mean, after all, the game of billiards was invented by the ancient phoenicians.
It gained newfound popularity after a group of benedictine monks invented felt.
Thank you, Sam.
Good lord.
I think that's my father.
There's still time to slip out through the window in the bathroom.
No, no. I want to hear what the rat has to say.
Don't let on who I am, huh?
Can I help you?
Yeah. Do you happen to know cliff clavin?
I, uh...
I...
Sam, I'm no good under pressure.
Hi. I'm Sam Malone. I'm the owner of the place.
Oh, hi. I'm cliff, sr., his father.
I called his ma, and said he hangs out here sometimes.
Is he around?
Uh... no, actually, he's not. I think he's away on business.
That's too bad. I wanted to talk to him.
Gee, it's funny. My own son, I don't even know what he does for a living, I don't even know what he looks like.
Cliff might be away for a while here.
Is there any message you'd like me to give to him?
I think I'll hang around awhile. It's kind of personal.
I'd like to deliver it myself.
Oh. Here.
Oh, thanks.
Excuse me.
I got something to say.
Can I have the sports page?
Oh. Yeah, sure.
There you are.
[Speaking French]
Well, you two seem to be getting along.
Are you ready?
Not to mention willing and able.
A bientôt.
J'espere.
I have this great idea.
Why don't we invite Diane to come with us for dinner.
What?
Oh, no. I don't think that would be a good idea.
No, don't be silly. It would be perfect.
Diane knows all about Indian food.
Well, yeah, so do I.
I'll order buffalo.
You can have the Geronimo burger.
Claudia, I really don't want to be a third wheel.
Yeah, but I want you to come, Diane.
Yeah, but I want us to be alone.
Well, there's plenty of time for that later.
Besides, what could you do in a restaurant full of people?
You'd be surprised.
Yes, you would.
What? Just butt out of this whole thing.
Sam, I think you're being kind of a drip about this.
Quite frankly, I am surprised at you.
Oh. Well, all right.
Diane, if you have nothing better to do than tag along, why don't you join us?
I really don't think...
Oh, please, Diane. I insist.
It'll be fun.
Yeah. Loads.
Great! Then we're set. Ok.
I'm gonna go freshen up, and I'll be back in a minute.
Okey-doke.
Please get me out of this.
Uh-uh. If you don't go, she's going to think that I told you not to go, and then she's gonna think I'm even a bigger heel.
You're going.
Ok. Fine. Fine.
You bet, "fine. Fine."
Give me the phone, will you?
Sam, you're out of your mind.
Please, I may look stupid, but I'm way ahead of her.
Give me some credit for having brains, will ya? Hello.
Hello.
Uh... yeah, this is Sam Malone.
I made a reservation for two at 7:00.
I want to make sure it's an intimate table that seats only two.
Yeah, and there'll be a third person coming along, but I want to make sure that she's seated far away.
No, no. The farther the better.
In fact, do you have something in Bombay?
Yeah. Bye.
You're a genius.
I kinda think I'm wasting my time here.
If cliffie comes in, tell him I was here.
Thanks for the beer.
Gonna say something to him?
I got nothing to say.
Mr. Clavin, maybe cliff will call you later.
Well, he better make it fast.
I'm leaving tomorrow.
Gee, that's too bad.
I'd really like to make my peace with the kid.
Well, thanks anyway.
Hold it right there, clavin!
I'm cliff clavin, Jr.
You're cliff.
You wasted your time coming here.
After what you done to me, there can be no peace between us.
Now hit the bricks!
Cliffie?
What?
What's that?
Where?
Gotcha! Ha ha ha!
Aw, dad, you always knew how to push the right buttons.
Hey!
I just can't stop talking about that meal.
It was simple and delicate, yet provocative.
Well, I never had anything quite like that lamb vindaloo.
Great recommendation, Diane.
How was your meal, Sam?
The only thing that tasted good at the table turned out later to be a candle.
You're not still angry about sitting alone?
I wasn't alone.
You're forgetting about that 300-pound hindu with the goitre that kept fanning me.
Sam, I know this date hasn't turned out the way you planned it.
Maybe we could still salvage something of the evening.
Maybe we could go some place for dessert.
If I might make a suggestion.
Why don't you 2 go upstairs to melville's?
They have great cheesecake.
I have a better idea...
Why don't we go over to my place for a little Sammy's jubilee.
Sammy! It's your beer distributor.
He says there's some problem with next month's order.
Let him talk to Woody. Woody handled it last month.
I think that's the problem.
Damn.
Uh... all right.
Listen, we'll go up to melville's for your cheesecake, but then we're going back to my place for your beefcake.
You've got some work to do, don't you?
Evening, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
Norman.
What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
Boxer shorts and loose shoes.
I'll settle for a beer.
So how was the hungry heifer?
It wasn't too good.
Oh? What did you have?
They've got this chef's special ribs.
Well, that sounds pretty good.
That's what I thought.
The chef just came out and made fun of my tie.
So cliffie and his dad not back yet?
Oh, no. They had very big plans.
Mr. Clavin wanted to spend the evening getting to know his son.
And the rest of his life trying to forget.
Hey, Woody, next time you order beer from the distributor, try to be more specific than "lots."
Sorry, Sam.
I called melville's.
They have just two pieces of cheesecake left.
No more, no less, no Diane.
Next to Sammy's life, my life sure looks dull, doesn't it?
Next to a barnacle, my life seems dull.
Say, that cheesecake can be pretty fattening.
You got any ideas how we could work it off?
May I say something to you, Sam? Please.
The first few times that we went out, I thought you were coming on a little strong.
I now miss those gentler times.
Claudia, trust me.
You're about to come upon the gentlest time that you've ever known.
Good lord, Sam.
What? That was good.
I'm afraid we're just not what each other's looking for.
All right. Maybe you're right.
Wait, listen. I want to wish you a happy life.
As happy as you can be without me.
Come on, there are no hard feelings here, are there?
No. No. On the contrary.
I'm glad that this happened because I feel that everything, no matter how degrading and humiliating, should be experienced at least once in life.
Well, uh, wait a second here, Claudia.
Let's talk about this.
Claudia?
Claudia left rather abruptly.
Didn't even say good-bye.
Was she upset about something?
Yeah, she was upset about something.
Your little plan worked perfectly.
What are you talking about?
I can't believe you're actually making me say this.
What?
Why don't you admit that you're nuts about me.
You can't stand seeing me going out with other women, so you eliminate the competition.
Sam, you're hormones have staged a coup d'état on your brain.
No, no. Don't try to distract me with hormone talk.
Well, as long as we're talking about transparent plans, why don't you just admit that you brought that clone of me here because you're still hung up on me.
Are you kidding me? There's only one reason why you came back here...
Because you asked me.
I asked you. You begged to come back.
I mean, we're splitting hairs here.
Sam, melville's wants to know if you still want that cheesecake.
Yes, I want that cheesecake. Tell them I'll be right up.
And I'm gonna go up and I'm gonna have that cheesecake all by myself.
It's gonna be the best company I've had all evening.
Indeed.
Unless maybe you want to come and make the evening a complete disaster.
I wouldn't have cheesecake with you if you were the last man on earth and it was the last morsel of food.
I'm getting kind of used to eating by myself anyway.
Well, it is delicious cheesecake.
Does your offer include coffee?
Maybe.
And a refill?
Don't push it.
Sam...
I am sorry that you had to eat alone.
It's ok.
What did you guys talk about anyway?
Well, we talked about the postmodernists and the trend away from minimalism in literature.
All of a sudden, my table doesn't seem so bad after all.
And he says, "yeah. My sister."
Whoa, whoa. Time for a little in-flight refueling.
Oh, good.
You're good for another thousand miles.
You two look like you've been having a heck of a time.
What did you do?
He better ask what we didn't do.
How about if we just withdrew the question?
Well, we caught the first quarter of the celtics game, went down to the petting zoo.
It was nice, but we peeked over the fence.
We went fishing in the Charles and dad took me to the all-night barbers for a haircut.
Yeah, next time he's gonna them all cut.
Then later over a hot dog we had a little father and son talk...
About the birds and bees.
Yeah, well, I already knew about that stuff.
There was one thing that was a little bit shocking, though.
Excuse me, daddy. I got to make a pit stop.
Yeah, yeah. Go right ahead. I'll refuel a little myself.
[Siren wails]
Hey, listen, tell me about cliffie.
You guys know him a lot better than I do.
Is he really as nice a guy as he seems?
You bet.
And smart, too.
One of the smartest guys I've met.
And dependable.
Call cliff at 4:00 in the morning, he's there.
Where else would he be?
Hey, Mr. Clavin, do you have the gift of gab like your son?
Nah. That comes from his mother's side.
She's the real yapper in the family.
My god, she gets rolling, she's like a hyena on bennies.
Hey, dad, come on, time's a-wastin'.
What do you say we go out and get a set of matching tattoos?
Cliffie, I got to get cracking.
I got a plane to catch.
Come on, dad. We have so much time.
You know, we haven't talked.
We don't know about each other.
I just had a terrific idea.
Oh, yeah? What's that, dad?
Why don't you come to Australia with me.
Australia?
Yeah.
I don't know if I can leave all this, dad, my friends, my job.
You can make new friends, and you don't need a job.
What?
I got a lot of dough stashed away.
We could live like kings.
I need time to think about it.
There's no time. I got to go now.
What's the rush?
I have got to get out of this country as fast as I can.
What's going on, dad?
Ok, listen, I'll level with you.
You're my son. I can trust you.
My business has got me in a little trouble with the law.
What kind of business is that?
Real estate fraud.
Dad, that's illegal.
Good. I'm not going too fast for you.
Listen, cliffie, come on, you going to come with me?
No, look, dad, I can't let you do this.
How about you give the money back, throw yourself on the mercy of the court, they'll let you off with a slap on the wrist.
10 years, Max.
10 years? Come on, cliff. Grow up.
We're talking about heavy cake here.
Now, I want you to come. Are you gonna come or no?
How do you know I'm not gonna turn you in?
Cliffie, you're not going to turn in your own father.
I know that, and you know that.
Yeah. You're right, dad.
All right, I had a couple of beers.
I'm gonna make one more stop, then I'm gone.
Give me the phone.
What's wrong?
My old man's a crook.
He's leaving the country one step ahead of the law.
You're not gonna rat on your old man?
Think about this, will ya?
There's nothing to think about.
Information?
Yeah, give me the federal authorities.
I don't know.
Somebody in charge of rotten daddies.
I can't do it.
I've aided a fugitive from justice.
I'm a disgrace to my uniform.
Hey, come on. Come off it, clavin.
You didn't disgrace anything.
You can't turn the old guy in because you love him.
Anyone would understand that.
Thank you, Carla.
You're right.
I do love him.
Matter of fact, I think I'll go give him a big hug right now.
Yo, cliffie, I think it might be a little uncool to hug him in the men's room.
I guess you're right, norm.
What the heck? I can't wait.
It's the longest we've been apart all day.
Carla...
You know, for a minute there, you treated cliff as if he was a human being.
What you are experiencing is a half Melvin.
You breathe one word of this, and I'm going to give you a full Melvin.
I think we understand each other.
He's gone.
This is all that's left.
What do you suppose happened to him?
It's obvious, isn't it?
My father didn't trust me, so he gave me the slip out the bathroom window.
Guess I'll just go home.
You're ruling out the other possibility.
What other possibility?
It's a little-known fact...
More and more people have been going into men's rooms and vaporizing.
I mean, just disappearing into thin air.
It's an unexplained phenomenon.
It's kinda like the Bermuda triangle.
That's right.
Yeah, yeah. Get serious, will you?
Have it your way.
Well...
However, this much is true...
There have been recent sightings of human beings being sh*t up into the underbelly of alien spacecraft.
You know, and speaking of the Bermuda triangle, it's not technically a triangle.
It's not?
Heck, no.
It's a trapezedaromboid.
They're perfect for attracting martian spacecraft.