Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hi, everybody.
Hi, Carla. Carla.
Hey, listen, Sam. I'm sorry I'm late.
I realized I left you here without a waitress.
What am I, chopped liver?
No. Some people enjoy chopped liver.
What got you in such bad mood today?
Oh, I don't know. Everything.
This morning I was thinking, I'm not married, I'm carrying my sixth kid.
I'm broke, I live in squalor.
I'm having a crisis of faith.
Oh, come on, Carla, don't talk like that.
Well, would a just god be putting me through this, coach?
Well, I know it looks sort of bleak out there.
But you just have to have Patience.
Remember jobe.
Cliffie's right, honey. You got a good "jobe" here.
You're in great health.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Cliff, I didn't want to embarrass you in front of Carla, but you pronounce the word "job".
♪ Makin' your way in the world today
♪ takes everything you've got
♪ taking a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot
♪ wouldn't you like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be where you can see
♪ our troubles are all the same you wanna be
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people know
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ♪
Frasier, what a surprise to see you here today.
Diane, I've got the most exciting news. It just couldn't wait.
Well, what is it?
You're positively tingling.
Come and sit down.
I have been awarded an honor that surpasses anything I could have hoped to achieve at this point in my career.
It goes beyond even my most wild and ambitious dreams.
Hey, doc, what are we talking here, nobel prize?
No, we're not talking nobel prize.
What, pulitzer? Come on.
No, I didn't win the pulitzer prize.
Oh, a guggenheim fellowship.
No, it's not a guggenheim fellowship.
What did you win, a canned ham? You've lost all the big ones.
I knew I should have waited for a better moment.
Diane, I have been chosen to be this year's visiting scholar at the university of Bologna.
Oh, frasier, that's wonderful!
The university of Bologna?
I can't believe they'd need a university for a thing like that.
I know it's a complicated meat, but...
Uh, coach...
Coach, the university of Bologna is the oldest university in the world.
It has what is arguably the finest school of psychology in Europe.
Now inarguably the finest.
Who's the Dean? Oscar Mayer?
Ha ha ha!
Yeah, well I, uh, hear sausage jokes are making a comeback.
Now, here's the exciting news.
Oh, oh!
My teaching load will be light enough to provide us ample time to travel throughout Europe.
Us?
Well, yes. I thought you'd notice that. I'm leaving in two weeks.
And I'd love for you to come along.
Oh.
Why that would be wonderful, wouldn't it?
Uh...
How long would we be gone?
6 months.
6 months? Wow.
This would be a very big undertaking.
So many details to take care of...
My apartment... A passport... My plans... My classes...
Sam... my paper...
My dry cleaning...
Sam?
Well, yes. You know what a devastating effect it had on him the last time I left.
Frasier, he's fragile.
He can be wounded.
Oh, there.
Have you ever seen a guy who could do pushups with his tongue?
Well, no, I haven't.
Watch this.
You see, Diane, even without you, his life is very full.
Frasier, I'm serious.
All right, look, I was Sam's therapist I'll tell him about this and observe his reaction.
If he shows any anxiety, whatsoever, I'll be here to assuage it, then.
Sam, can I have a word with you for a second?
Sure, doc. What's up?
Uh, Diane and I are going to Europe.
Europe? Overseas?
Well, we were going to go to the local one, but it's all booked up.
You see I'm going to be teaching there for 6 months.
And Diane is going with me.
And, uh, you may never see her again.
Well that's... I'm happy for you guys!
That's... maybe I should throw you a bon voyage party or something, huh?
What do you think?
You're not bothered?
Not bothered? How delightfully naive, he's repressing on all 12 cylinders. Come along Sam, I want to have a little chitchat with you in your office.
What are we going to talk about, frasier?
We're going to talk about the emotions that you're repressing right now.
I'm here for you Sam, and I promise, I won't leave until you can deal with this.
She doesn't want to go to Europe with me, Sam.
She doesn't love me. She's still harboring feelings for you.
Oh, come on, frasier. That again?
Well, yes. You should have seen the look on her face when I asked her to go to Europe with me just now.
Aha...
Oh, yeah. She is a great cure for happiness, isn't she?
Well, now wait a second.
You can't expect her to jump up and down with joy about this thing right off the bat.
I'd love to know why.
Well, because Diane is Diane. I mean, she's never done anything in her entire in her life without thinking about it.
She analyzes the blood out of everything.
I mean, if you were to go up to her right now and say, "can I offer you $1 million?"
She'd say, "no, no, no.
That's may I offer you a $1 million."
I admit she does have a tendency to be cerebral.
I just never pictured myself in a relationship where I would be the wild and impulsive one.
Let's be fair, though, Sam.
I mean, she does know how to show a man a good time.
Yeah, you're right.
I remember we'd be out together and she'd say, "hey, Sam. Look over there. Those guys are having a good time."
Come on, I bet she comes around, here, frasier.
I bet she's outside right now thinking this whole Europe thing's a good idea.
You really think so?
Yeah I know so.
Diane: How is he?
Oh, he'll be all right. Oh, he'll be all right.
See, I already got my sense of humor back.
Good man.
Sam, you were really bothered by this news?
Well, uh...
Diane, I just used Sam as a cover.
It was me.
I was hurt that your reaction to my Europe news was half-hearted, at best.
Oh, frasier.
Well, I've had a little time to think about it now, and I want you to know that Europe sounds wonderful.
I can't imagine a more romantic place or a more appropriate person with whom to share it.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Sam said you'd come around.
Lucky guess.
Well, dear, may I have a moment alone with Sam?
Oh, certainly. I'm almost late for my session as it is.
Bye-bye, Sam.
Arrivederci, Diane.
Ciao, frasier.
Oh, I hate you.
I'd love to smack that smug look off your face.
You're pretending not to care because you believe that Europe will be the death knell for my relationship with frasier crane.
Either because I won't go at all, or because the stress of traveling together for 6 months will break us up, right?
Listen to me.
I'm sincere about this.
I like you two, and I want to see you both happy.
Thank you, Sam.
Well, I mean after all, just because the two of us didn't travel well...
When did we ever travel?
You kidding me?
We went through hell together.
Oh.
Yes.
Well, it helped that you knew the language.
Carla, are you looking for, a sign from god?
Religious belief is based on faith.
Yeah, well I never thought I'd say this, coach, but, I think I've lost my faith.
Hey, listen up everybody. I have an announcement to make.
Diane here is leaving for Europe, and she's... She's not going to be back to cheers ever.
Coach: Aw.
♪ I believe
♪ for every drop of rain that falls ♪
♪ a flower grows
♪ I believe that somewhere ♪
♪ in the darkest night, a candle glows ♪
You know, Sam, I got to tell you.
I can't see Diane going off with doc like that.
I always figured that you and her would get married.
Aw, come on, coach.
No, no, I'm not kidding.
I pictured you moving to a little home in the country with a Rose garden out in the front and a nice little room in the back for me.
Every Sunday night Diane would make us a fried chicken dinner and we'd sit on the porch listen to the ball game.
I'd bounce your kids on my knee.
God, it was going to be a happy house.
Well, I guess that's going to be frasier's house now, coach.
Well, you can come by anytime, Sam.
But call first.
Let's get out of here.
Come on. It's late.
Yep. Time to go. Good night, coach.
Goodnight, guys.
Later, Sammy.
See ya.
Listen, Diane.
I'm not a sentimental guy, you know.
I'd like you to have a good, safe trip, huh?
Hey, normie, you big monkey.
Don't you ever be ashamed of your tender side.
Well...
Good-bye, Diane.
Good-bye, Clifford.
Hey, come on you two. I'm waiting for a kiss.
Well...
Sheleaving, I mean...
Did you see the look on her face?
Yeah.
I was more worried about the look on your face.
Well, Diane.
I'm not going to pretend that you're my favorite person in the world, but, uh, now that it's all over, I guess I wish you a happy life.
Thank you.
Oh, and, uh...
I thought I'd do you a little favor before you left, so I wrote down a helpful phrase in Italian.
You carry that with you wherever you go.
Scusi, signore farmacista.
Dove il perossido?
Yeah, it means "excuse me, Mr. Pharmacist, where do you keep the peroxide?"
Meet you at the car, coach.
Yeah.
Oh, coach.
I'm going to miss you.
I'm going to miss you, too, honey.
Listen, thank you for coming back, huh?
Will he be ok?
Well, I hope so.
Coach, do me a favor.
Sure.
Stand by him.
No, no, coach. Coach, come back.
Um, I'll tell you what, instead of standing by him, why don't you just sort of watch over him?
Of course, of course.
Bye, sweetheart.
Well.
Well.
We haven't been alone for a long time.
No.
Boy, it's funny how things change, isn't it?
Yes.
I still remember the first time I came in here.
What a prissy little snot I was.
Yeah. Who would have thought it could get worse, huh?
Diane... Listen to me.
I think we both realize that a lot of things can happen when you leave like this.
Who knows when we'll see each other again?
I'd like you to do me a favor.
What's that, Sam?
I've been a real jerk to you sometimes.
I'd appreciate it, when you think of me, you remember me as a decent person.
Of course.
I'll remember you as Albert schweitzer.
I'd like that.
Thank you.
I'm so glad it's ending this way.
After the wrath and acrimony of our breakup.
Yeah, I swear.
I thought I'd never see you come in here again.
Do you know why I came back?
Sure. Because you're a woman, and I'm Sammy.
Actually, it was because I was concerned about you...
Your drinking and your health.
Well...
Thank you because it did make a difference.
Who would've thought we'd ever be standing here as friends?
Yeah. We are friends, aren't we?
Good friends.
Well, I'm off.
Now wait a second here.
Come on. Let me give my friend a good-bye hug, huh?
Oh, Sam!
Come on. Get over here.
Come on.
Wow.
What?
Well, this really may be the last time we see each other.
Wow.
Well...
Good-bye, pal.
Good-bye, buddy.
Bye, amigo.
Good-bye, mon ami.
Good-bye, compadre.
Well, that's that.
I'll be off.
Yeah, you take care of yourself.
You, too, Sam.
Sam?
Yeah, chum?
I'm going to count to 3, and then we'll stop.
You got it.
1...
2...
2 1/2...
Which leads us to 3.
Well, that wasn't so hard, was it?
I think we just counted to 3.
You have a nice, safe trip.
Thank you.
Yeah.
How could we have ever denied ourselves for so long?
Come on. Come on.
Let's go back to my place, huh?
Yes. Let's go back to your place.
We have to make up for a lot of lost time.
Mmm.
Oh, Sam, wait.
What? What? What?
What? What?
I knew you couldn't be spontaneous!
I knew you'd have to overanalyze this.
What is it, huh?
I was just going to say I almost forgot my purse.
Oh.
Well, let me get that for you, sweetheart.
What did you think I was going to say?
That was it. That was it.
What did you think I was going to say?
I don't know. I thought you were gonna say is, "is this just for tonight, or are we going to start this whole thing over again?"
I wasn't going to say that.
Oh, bless you.
But now that you've brought it up...
Damn, damn... No, I didn't really bring it up.
I was just saying that as an example of something that I knew neither one of us would ever say.
No, Sam, I'm glad you said it.
What exactly is it you have in mind?
Is it a beginning or an ending?
Hello or good-bye?
One night of passion, or something that will last beyond tomorrow?
I've got this feeling this conversation is gonna last beyond tomorrow.
What's happening here? Just a minute ago, we were hot for each other.
No, I wasn't hot, I was insane.
I was insane.
I was about to abandon the most brilliant, sensitive man I ever met for one with the morals of a rutting sea elephant...
And the intelligence of lint!
Wait, wait.
Let's just stop right there before we start insulting each other.
Good idea, Sam.
Good-bye.
Diane?
Please.
Maybe frasier can give you a iron clad guarantee of a lifetime of security, but with me, it's a day at a time.
Now, if you can live with that...
Call.
Well...
Last I saw, you and Diane were here alone.
Did you give her a good-bye boink?
Carla.
Your language. I haven't heard you talk like that in a long time.
Oh, yeah, I know, but...
You know, this morning after mass, the priest said that he didn't think Diane's going to Bologna constituted a true miracle.
No, huh?
No. I told him I had witnesses and everything.
He said he wouldn't even take it to the bishop.
Oh. To answer your question, nothing happened between me and Diane.
She wanted to, but you know.
You ok?
I'm fine.
[Phone rings]
Cheers.
No, sorry. Diane's not here.
Oh, you're Diane?
Then you're definitely not here.
No, no. He's right here.
Sam, it's Diane.
Hey, I was hoping you'd call.
I'm really glad you did.
Diane: I'm in a hotel room in London, Sam.
Hold on one second.
[Frasier singing in shower]
Frasier and I are stopping over on our way to Italy.
So why you calling, huh?
Well, I'm calling because I've had some time to think about last night.
We both had a moment of weakness, and I'm glad we didn't give in to it, but I hope we're still friends.
I don't think we're friends, Diane.
Well, we failed as lovers.
If we're not friends, what have we been these past few months?
Been kidding ourselves.
Good-bye, Diane.
Wait. Sam?
Yeah?
Nothing. Good-bye.
No, wa-wa... uh...
Before you hang up here, uh...
They got post cards in Europe?
I'm almost sure of it.
Well, maybe if you think of it, you can send me one.
Write small.
You know how I like to read in-between the lines.
I'll try.
That'd be nice.
Thank you, Sam.
Goodbye, Diane.