Carla: Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
So, norm...
Any luck impregnating Vera?
I miss the good old days when people asked things like, "how are those Red Sox doing?" Things like that.
Well, excuse me for caring.
I'm sorry, Larry.
I'm just a little edgy.
You have to understand.
I've gone an entire month with sex.
Yeah, it's all right, normie.
Larry understands, don't you think?
Look, you've been trying for quite a few weeks now, and you have yet to strike pay dirt.
Can I ask you a personal question?
Heaven forbid this conversation get personal now.
You've been to a fertility specialist?
Yeah, actually we have, but I don't have a lot of faith in this guy.
He's got Vera sprinkling powdered rhinoceros horn on my cereal in the morning.
Does it make you feel more virile, normie?
Not really, but every now and then, I get this urge to charge a Jeep.
♪ Making your way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ♪
Good afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
Norman.
What would you say to a beer, normie?
Daddy wuvs you.
Yii! It's freezing in here.
Didn't you hear?
We're giving our appliances the winter off.
There's some kind of blockage in the heating system.
The furnace is working, but we're not getting any hot air.
What's Sammy gonna do about it?
I cannot believe this helplessness.
How about a little yankee ingenuity here?
If cheers were burning, would you wait for Sam to get back to do something about it?
No, Diane, because I already taught them the fire drill.
We all file out in an orderly fashion after nailing your hair to the bar.
Clifford, we don't usually see you in here this early.
Uh... I'm sick, Diane.
I must be coming down with something.
I thought I'd get some coffee before I finished my route.
No, cliff, a Brandy. Let me get you a nice Brandy.
No, coach, I hope I'm never that ill.
As long as I'm carrying this bag, there's one thing that will never touch these lips.
You mean there's something that wants to?
Alcohol.
I'm on duty, Carla.
Just the coffee, please, coach.
I can do better than that for you.
Will somebody go upstairs to melville's, please, and get this man a bowl of hot soup?
What happened to the heat?
Some minor malfunction that no one here is skilled enough to even attempt to fix.
Diane, I resent that.
I'm kind of a handy guy.
I'll have you know just the other day, I changed one of them, uh...
What do you call them?
A light bulb?
Light bulb. There you go.
Why don't you just call in sick?
No. I could never do that, Diane. It's a matter of principle with me.
I've got to be on the verge of death before I take sick leave.
I thought you used it all up to go to Florida.
You got a problem with that?
Here you go, cliffie.
Thank you, normie.
How many letters you got left?
I don't know. Seven or eight.
Boy, this tastes good.
Hey, you know something? These are all on my way home.
Let me drop these off for you. I got to go home anyway.
Uh, no, norm, you're not trained.
You're not qualified.
What qualified?
You drop them in a slot.
A chimp could do it.
Are you kidding? No way.
They did a study at the university of Michigan.
Chimps were 32% slower.
Oh, yeah, yeah, they were better with customer relations and everything, but...
Clifford, the man is offering to do you a favor, out of friendship, for your own good.
Sounds like you have two options.
You let me deliver these or run the risk of nondelivery-livery-livery.
I'll drop these off.
Thank you, normie.
Just remember, in those envelopes are the dreams, hopes, and fears of a nation.
Yeah, and several car wash announcements.
Hey, everybody.
Oh, boy. Holy cow, what happened here?
It's warmer up in the mountains, and we were au natural.
Hey, coach, did you check the furnace?
It's not the furnace. It's that damn vent.
I called a repairman, an old buddy of mine.
He's on his way over.
Oh, gosh, well, Bambi, it looks like it's up to you and me to generate a little heat for these folks.
Don't bother.
We'll just huddle around a three-watt light bulb.
Feisty little barmaid.
I took her in off the streets.
She's crude, but devoted.
You know, I had a terrific time. Thank you.
Thank you, Sam.
It was the best ski trip I ever had.
Yeah. Me, too.
Did you find any time for skiing?
No, darn it! You know, somebody stole our skis.
We had to spend the weekend in the lodge.
That's too bad.
Yeah, but when we were leaving this morning, they turned up in the rack on the roof of Sam's car.
Yeah. Some kids must've stolen them for joy-skiing.
Disrespectful punks.
Yeah.
Well, I got to get going. I have to be at b.U. In half an hour.
Ok. B.U.? That's Boston university, isn't it?
Uh-huh. That's right.
Yeah, where all the smart types hang out.
What are you studying there?
I'm not studying anything.
I'm going to be part of a fraternity stunt.
Yeah, she's, uh...
She's tutoring some of the boys.
Well, in a way.
Yeah.
I'll see you later, Sam.
Yeah, you take care.
Oh, boy.
Well, I guess I better take a look at this air duct.
Sometimes the problem's right here.
Bambi?
Yeah. What's wrong with that?
Oh, I suppose it's better than dumbo or goofy.
Not as appropriate, but...
Coach, can I have my flashlight, please?
You know, Sam...
I can't help but noticing that Bambi wasn't the same little deer that you left here with on Friday.
No, I got rid of Cindy.
We weren't compatible.
Really? What was the problem there?
She was dumb as a post.
Oh.
With so much in common, I can't imagine why you two went awry.
No, I'm serious.
I mean, she just wasn't my intellectual equal.
You should have told me you were looking for your intellectual equal.
I could introduce you to something that's growing on my shower curtain.
Well, thank you, Diane.
But I think I'll wait and see how Bambi works out.
Well, I guess I've done just about everything I know what to do here.
You shined a flashlight on it.
Yeah, it usually works, too.
Boy, this one's really got me stumped.
Could somebody go to melville's and get me a little more soup?
What about you, Larry?
You're not doing anything important there, are you?
Yeah, yeah. All right.
Good man.
Thanks a lot.
I suppose you want some crackers?
Those low-sodium kind, all right?
What's he doing in my office?
Sam, the guy is sick as a dog.
Actually, coach, I'm not so bad now.
I could probably sit up at the bar there and let Larry bring dinner down to me.
Cliff clavin?
Yeah, officer. What's the trouble?
Do you know a norm Peterson?
Yeah. What is it?
We have him down at the station.
We've arrested him for mail theft.
No, no, no. You made a mistake there.
No. There's no mistake.
We caught him red-handed messing with the mailboxes on your route.
He had a handful of letters.
He said he was delivering them for you.
Yeah. I asked him to. You asked him to?
Well, you're out of a job, fella.
Well, excuse me, officer.
You interrupted me before I finished.
See, I asked him to quit following me.
I mean, the guy, I had him pegged as a sociopath right away.
He's a frustrated mailman.
We call it postal envy.
So, uh...
So, anything serious gonna happen to this man?
Not serious enough.
Yeah, dammit. I rue the day they outlawed flogging.
Bleeding their eye.
Oh, yeah.
So, how well do you know this guy?
Oh, you know, we talk every now and then.
He's a portly guy, isn't he?
Full-sized. Yeah. Yeah.
What actually is going to happen to this Patterson fella?
Peterson.
Excuse me, officer.
I the owner of the bar here. Sam Malone.
Is there a problem?
No. Some guy tried to implicate this letter carrier in a mail theft on his route.
Crazy, huh?
You're kidding me. Mail theft?
That's ridiculous. I've known cliff for years.
He wouldn't be involved in something like that.
You're a fine bartender, Sammy.
You, sir, sure are one of Boston's finest.
Well, thanks.
We just had to check out the story.
And check it out you did. The federal government appreciates the cooperation of you local boys.
I just hope our penal system can rehabilitate the wretch.
Thank you, officer.
Can you believe that? Guys, you hear that?
Sammy, what do you say we go sh**t some stick? Why not?
They arrested some guy on cliff's route for mail theft.
You want eight-ball? Straight pool?
Wait a minute. Norman was finishing your route. Clifford?
Whoa, whoa. What was that? Norm?
You mean that they arrested norm?
You didn't straighten the cop out?
Not exactly. It's a little bit complicated.
So, Sam, you want to break? Want me to break?
Clifford, get back here.
Oh, look, isn't it obvious what I did here?
Yeah, it's obvious what you've done.
You've run your best friend, norm, up the river.
We're in trouble here.
I mean, my job's hanging by a thread.
Norm's in jail anyway.
Just leave him there a little while longer while I figure out what's the best thing to do for all concerned.
Norm will be ok.
Hey, norm isn't at some party, you know?
I mean, by now he's had probably had all his valuables taken, been strip-searched, been deloused, and thrown into some dark, cold cell with a sex-starved pervert.
So?
That's how he describes a typical evening at home.
Clifford. Hey, come on.
The reason I called you here is because I'm looking for an attorney that specializes in criminal federal offenses.
You'll be defending the best friend I have in the entire world, and money is no object.
How much?
For one guy?
Stick your writ in your briefs, you ambulance chaser.
Let's let some young hungry public defender make a name for himself on this one, all right?
Look, I wish you'd see this through my eyes.
I'd like to see this through your eyes.
Come on, Carla, norm's a sweet, cuddly guy.
The jury will take one look in his sad eyes, and there's no way they're gonna fry him.
Whereas my whole career could hang in the balance.
I'd like to see you hang in the balance.
I notice a certain reoccurring theme in your comments, Carla.
Look, norm was doing you a favor.
You don't even know if you were gonna get into trouble, cliffie.
Come on, will you get off my back?
All right. Look, if this is what I got to do, I'll do the gutsy thing and call the post office and get norm out of there.
I'll just call them and tell them it was the O'Hara kid.
Yeah. He wouldn't mind spending some time in jail if you get my drift.
[Groans]
Hey, where's your sense of humor?
If norm was here, he'd be laughing.
If norm was here, he'd be tearing out your tonsils and feeding them to you.
All right, look.
I'll call and see what the penalty is, but it's got to be anonymous.
Ok, everybody in favor of cliff calling, raise your hand.
It's anonymous.
Not even an extension.
That's just what I wanted to hear.
Oh, how'd you make out, Sam?
Lousy.
They won't let norm go unless the post office drops charges, which means cliff's going to have to tell the truth.
I gotta talk to him.
He's on the phone now.
Confessing?
No, he's finding out what would happen if he did.
Meantime, you've got some other problem.
The furnace guy didn't show up?
No, and we decided somebody should climb into the duct and try to open it.
Who?
The skinniest person we could think of.
Ha! You're kidding me!
Diane actually agreed to crawl around in the air duct?
She had to. She'd been sh**ting her face off about it all day.
Where is she now?
Underneath you, Sam.
Well, I always knew that, but...
Oh, my goodness!
Ha ha ha! Looky here.
How about that?
I'm glad you find this amusing.
Well, what are you doing down there, huh?
Aerobics, you idiot.
Why don't you get out of there, silly, so I can fix it?
I can't crawl any farther, and my clothes are snagged, so I can't back up.
I'm stuck right here.
Ok, egg toss fans.
Step right up.
Hit the geek and win a beer.
Three eggs for a nickel.
Sam, aren't you going to step in here?
You bet your booties I am.
I only got a dime, so give me six.
Sam, please.
Carla, how could you suggest such a thing?
Tell you what I'll do, I'll go down in the basement, see if I can get you out, all right?
Thank you.
Oh, Sam. Yeah?
Will you put the grate back, please?
Someone almost stepped on my face with the cutest little satin pumps.
Ooh.
'S all right?
'S all right.
Well, my supervisor confirmed exactly what I suspected all along.
That he hired you as a token weenie.
No. He told me that a courier who lets somebody else deliver his mail for him could face a hearing where, depending on his prior record, he could be suspended or even relieved from duty.
What about norm?
Look, you know as well as I do normie's got no previous record.
They'll just give him a suspended sentence and a sharp reprimand.
Aw, damn it, cliff, you're wrong.
You know you're wrong.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Coach is right, Clifford.
You don't deserve to have a friend like Norman if you let him down now.
Yeah.
So either you go in there and straighten this out, or we will.
Yeah, we're never gonna let show your face in here again.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
All right. All right.
I'll call my supervisor and explain the whole thing first thing in the morning.
Now!
All right, now.
I'll go explain the whole thing now.
I want you all to know this is going to mean the end for me.
Yeah.
I'll... I'll be a civilian.
One of the crowd.
There's a lot of things I'm going to miss, too...
The free mucilage, the twine.
The "open with care" labels we used to stick in our flies at Christmas parties.
The uniform and the respect.
Yeah, I'm leaving here a mailman.
I'm coming back a nobody.
Diane.
I can't get to you.
The opening of the air duct too small.
Ohh.
Coach? Call the furnace man, please, and tell him it's an emergency.
I already called him again earlier this evening.
He said he might not make it at all.
Sam, do something.
I will, sweetheart. I know somebody else I can call.
Listen, I mean this...
You say the word, I don't care the cost, I will rip this floor up to get you out of there.
Oh, do it, Sam, please.
That's not the word.
Swine!
No, no, you're getting colder.
Come on now, sweetheart. Open up.
Mm-mmm.
Come on, darling, you don't know how long you're gonna be in there.
You got to stay warm.
Sam, I'm, ah... [Coughs]
There you go.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You know, Diane, the important thing here is just to relax and stay calm.
Just remember, rats sense fear.
Carla, ah...
There you go, darling.
There you go.
How's that, huh?
Sam, I'm not hungry, and I'm not cold.
I just want to get out of here.
I know, sweetheart.
The guy called, said he'll be here in a minute.
Say...
Just on the off chance the guy's not able to get you out of there, don't you think you'd feel better if you were to declared your love for me now while you still have the chance?
You're right, Sam.
[Whispers]
What did you say?
No!
Let go! Let go!
Yeow!
Said she loves me, always has, always will.
You're off the clock, sweetheart.
Only a dollar?
No, it's happy hour. It's only 50 cents.
Ok.
Pucker up, baby.
Aah!
Sam!
Go sit down, pal.
Go sit down.
How could you do that?
It's all right. He had all his sh*ts in the army.
Th...
Big news, everybody.
Because of my spotless record, I only received a 30-day suspension. Whoo!
Well, what about norm? Is norm getting out?
My supervisor already called the cops.
So you see, virtue triumphs again.
Set 'em up, Sammy, drinks are on me.
Well, I guess I got to give you credit.
I know that wasn't an easy thing to do.
Thank you, Sammy.
Say, cliffie.
What do you suppose is gonna happen when the big guy walks through that door?
Well, I think out attitude should be that he's paid his debt to society.
I mean, let him start a new life, I say.
That's not exactly what Carla had in mind.
He's gonna be plenty sore at you, cliffo.
I suppose he is, coach, and perhaps justly so.
Perhaps?
Underneath that anger is gonna be love and understanding.
You see, we go back a long way, he and I.
When he comes in, I'm just going to go up to him and ask for his forgiveness.
Here comes norm now.
Ah, good. If I know him, his understanding will not long be withheld.
Hey, come on, you guys!
Oh, no! Oh, no!
Whoa!
Come on, come on.
I'll k*ll him!
First, I want to hurt him a whole lot!
Take him over there, will you?
Just take it easy there.
Get him out of here, Sam, out of this bar, out of my life, forever!
Ok, all right, normie, look, I'll go.
But I want you to remember one thing...
I took a chance for you. I confessed and got you out of jail!
I wouldn't have been in jail if it wasn't for you!
I'm sorry about that, normie.
I'm really sorry, but try and understand...
Your job's just a job.
But being a mailman is my whole identity.
I risked my whole world, my entire life to buy your freedom because I love you, norm.
Oh, come on, norm.
Isn't there something cliff can do?
Norman, he's right.
What is your heart telling you?
Never mind. It's a long story.
Good-bye, norm.
All right, wait, cliffie, wait.
I guess we have been friends a long time.
You are by nature a weasel.
All right...
There's something you can do for me, I guess.
Buy me a beer.
With your pants around your ankles.
You can't be serious, norm.
Ankles, cliffie.
Standing on that stool.
While barking like a seal.
[Barking]
Let's not stay.
There will be a cover charge.