Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
A bloody Mary for you, vodka Collins, and an old fashioned, light on the bitters.
Ooh, Diane, look. I think...
I think you got it perfect this time...
Every drink wrong.
My god! What is this?
Boy, does your waitressing stink.
My waitressing does not stink.
It does, too.
Diane: Doesn't.
Carla: Does.
If I really put my mind to it, I could waitress circles around you.
You stink!
I smell a wager, Carla.
No. You smell your waitressing.
I challenge you to a waitressing contest.
Whoever gets the most tips between now and closing time wins.
You're on, sucker.
I'll even give you a 10 buck head start.
That's an insult.
And thank you.
We will need a judge to make sure this contest is conducted on the up and up.
Sam's bar. We'll let him be the judge.
Oh, ladies, I'm honored, but don't you think it would be better to find someone to judge this who gives a rat's behind?
Well, I do. Make me the judge.
Oh! We couldn't have a more impartial judge.
Thank you, Diane. Now, if either one of you suspects any wrongdoing, you come to me, and I'll make an immediate and final decision.
Do we have any appeal?
Well, I think you're both cute as a button, but that's not going to affect my decision.
♪ Makin' your way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot ♪
♪ wouldn't you like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ♪
Oop, oop. Get ready for the good times.
The big guy doth approach.
Afternoon, everybody.
Normie? Norm?
Diane: Norman?
Why don't you sit down, norm?
What... what's the problem?
You know that job I landed over in braintree?
Mm-hmm.
I had to take a company physical this afternoon, and apparently there was something on the chest X-ray.
Something bad, normie?
No, a happy face.
Sorry, coach.
Yeah, something bad. A spot of some sort.
They sent it over to a specialist to take a look.
Well, now, norm, these things happen sometimes, and they turn out to be nothing.
They just come to nothing.
Yeah. We all come to nothing, Sam.
I'm just gonna get there a little sooner.
Norman, you're jumping to conclusions.
Now, stop being so morbid.
Ever since I heard this news, all I can think of is how I may be coming to the end of my life with nothing to show for it.
Well, you've got all of us, your friends, and we're going to be with you all through this.
You mean we're going to have to have the surgery and everything, Diane?
I'm not saying I won't do it.
I'll explain it later, coach.
Everybody says, "I'll explain it later."
[Telephone rings]
Cheers.
Oh, hi.
Yeah. Uh...
Norm, it's Vera.
She says she needs to talk to you right away.
She's heard from the doctor.
Hi, honey.
Yeah, that's what I figured.
So what'd he say?
Oh!
Ohhh!
Ohhhh!
Oh! No, no. That's the greatest news.
I can't believe it.
Yes, you're right, we do have something to celebrate.
So what are you gonna do?
Yeah, sounds good. That sounds good.
No, no. I don't know what I'll do.
I can't think about it right now.
I have a lot of other things on my mind. Yeah.
I'll talk to you later, honey. Bye.
A flaw on the X-ray.
Oh! Oh!
Let me buy you a drink, normie.
No. No, no, no. Not right now, cliff.
Right now, I think I'm gonna take a little walk with a gentleman I haven't been paying a whole lot of attention to lately... norm Peterson.
I think I understand.
Well, I don't, but I'm sure you'll tell me later.
Well, Carla, counting the 10 buck head start that you gave Diane, you're still ahead $9.00, and you've got only one minute to go.
Yeah! But you know, Diane gave me a good contest.
I mean, she hustled what passes for her buns off tonight.
Good. Then you're not going to rub her nose in it?
To the bone. Heh heh ha ha ha!
Thank you very much, and a happy 50th wedding anniversary to you both.
50th anniversary?
Yeah. They ordered a bottle of dom perignon.
Oh! I thought they were just a couple of cheap old coots.
Coach, a $20 tip.
Huh!
That's it! Diane wins it.
Really?
Ah! Ha ha ha!
Oh, this is so exciting!
Yeah. Who's gonna sleep tonight?
Ohh... don't hurt me.
I didn't mean to gloat, Carla.
I'm sorry. Please don't hurt me.
I just wanted to shake your hand, but if you don't want to shake my hand, I'll just say congratulations.
Sometimes there is no pleasure in conquest.
Yeah. I haven't forgotten our first night together, either.
Did you find norm?
Yeah. Boy, is he weirding out.
Sam: What do you mean?
By the time I caught up to him, he was sitting in the middle of a garden.
He said he wanted to smell the roses.
Diane: I don't think that's weird.
Yeah? It was a vegetable garden.
That's weird.
Yeah. I mentioned it to him. He said, "so?
I want to smell the squash. Leave me alone."
Then he got up, and he wandered down towards the pier.
I shudder to think what he wants to smell down there.
This is that bar I was telling you about.
These people sit in here night after night, wasting their lives away, but, no, don't hate them; pity them, as I do.
You see, they're chained here, unable to soar free like you and me.
Soar, little guy, soar!
Soar!
You want to sit down and have a beer or something?
No. No time for that.
I just stopped in to say good-bye.
You see, I'm sailing for bora bora.
Bora bora?
Yeah. Ever since I was a little boy, the south pacific has been calling...
"come to me, norm. This is where you belong."
And I've always ignored that call till now.
So I'm gonna go to the beach and build a hut, send for Vera, and live there the rest of our lives.
Isn't that nice?
Mmm.
I booked passed on one of those cargo ships where you just work light duties.
We shove off at midnight.
Norman, wait a minute. What about a passport?
What about sh*ts?
Well, I already have my passport and, believe it or not, you don't need any sh*ts for bora bora.
There's no disease there.
Lunacy is on its way.
Norm? Yeah?
What about that great new job you got?
Right, right.
I should really call that guy, shouldn't I?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Sammy, you see what he's doing, right?
The old joke meister, just tugging at our ankles.
Hold onto your socks, gents. Here he goes.
Hi, Mr. Feldman, sir. Hi. Norm Peterson here.
Oh, awfully sorry to wake you, sir.
You see, I just wanted to call in to let you know I'm not coming to work tomorrow.
I'm sailing to bora bora, gonna live in a hut.
As a matter of fact, I am in a bar.
Oh, no, no. My head's quite clear, sir.
I'm quitting.
Yes, I realize I'm burning my Bridges here, sir, but there's no hard feelings on this end.
As a matter of fact, if you're ever in bora bora, stop on by the old Peterson hut, and we'll share a cup of grog, sir.
Maybe I'll take you ou...
Right. I realize it's late, sir. Very sorry.
[Click]
[Norm sighs]
I pity that man.
Sammy, I want you to give these to some poor soul who may need them, huh?
Well, everybody. This is good-bye.
I... I don't know what I can really say to you folks.
You've been like family to me.
I'm gonna miss you all, that's for sure.
Oh, come on, man. This is nuts!
I mean, people just don't drop everything and sail away to bora bora.
I do.
Good-bye, normie.
Good-bye, coach.
Coach, you're going to feel pretty silly when he pulls the plug on this gag; Wait and see.
You understand, don't you, coach?
No, normie, but they'll tell me later.
Hey, you better get used to what you're doing there, norm.
They got all-male crews on those ships.
Ok, norm. Joke's over.
Knock it off. It's ended.
Norm.
Ha ha ha! You kidder.
Boy, you had us going there for a while.
Wing tips are for accountants, cliffie.
I'm a beachcomber now.
Normie's gone!
Here you are, miss.
The service was excellent.
Oh, that was nothing.
You should've seen me in the old days.
I was something then.
I'm telling you, people would come from miles away to see me schlep drinks.
That was before...
The troubles.
She should be over this by now.
It's been weeks!
I've robbed her of her zest for life.
You do have that effect on people.
Sam.
Sam, we got another letter from normie.
Yeah...
Oh, good! Good, good, good, good.
Norm letter here, everybody.
Ok.
Let me see here.
He says he's found the beach he was looking for, and he's built a hut.
Listen to this. "I'll send for Vera"
"when I've built hers."
"Ha ha."
"Whoops! I've lost my hammer. Ha ha."
He put the ha has in.
Good thing.
"Every morning, a native girl
"leaves a coconut outside my door.
"I'm a little shaky
"on the local tribal customs, "so either we're married or I'm going to be sacrificed next Tuesday. Ha ha."
Boy, he sure knows where to put those ha has.
"Parahe, or good-bye, norm."
Hmm.
You know, it took a great deal of courage for Norman to do what he did.
I admire and envy him.
He has heeded Thoreau, who admonished us that, quote, "life is frittered away by detail.
Simplify, simplify."
Why didn't he just say one "simplify"?
Let me see the old postmark, there, Sammy.
Yup, yup. She's valid, all right.
Well, it looks like our normie made it to paradise, huh?
Yeah.
Two scotch rocks, coach. No hurry.
I'll wait till the good waitress gets her order.
Carla, you are the better waitress.
It's been proven time and time again.
What does it matter who won that meaningless contest?
It matters.
Well, what would it take to make you feel better?
Hearing you admit that you cheated.
Carla, I didn't cheat.
Would it k*ll you to say you did?
I did not cheat!
Two little words to restore my will to live.
It doesn't seem like that much to ask.
Ok, Carla. I cheated.
You cheated?
Why? That contest meant that much to you?
You are a very sick woman!
Does anybody in this bar realize how sick this woman is?
She cheated on that silly little contest!
I did not cheat!
First she says she cheated, and then she says she didn't cheat.
Now, what are we supposed to believe?
The things people do for their egos!
Yeah.
Cheating on a silly contest.
Well, I suppose I could go around the room explaining to everyone exactly what happened, but I know that I did not cheat, and that's enough.
I'll just let it drop.
I'll be in my office if you need me, coach.
Coach: Yeah.
I did not cheat!
We had this contest a couple of weeks ago.
Evening, Sammy.
Hey, norm.
Norm?
Why aren't you in bora bora?
Ha ha! Funniest thing.
I chickened out, just like everybody said I would.
Never even got on the damn boat. Ha ha!
These are getting stale, though.
Do you have any beer nuts in here?
You...
You've been hiding in here?
Just for a week.
Why?
You kidding? I made such a flaming jackass out of myself, I'd be a laughingstock if I went out there.
So you plan to stay in here forever.
Yeah. Is that a problem?
Because, uh, the way I figure it, Sam, I can... you let me in in the morning, when you come to work, and then at night, when everyone's gone home, just let me out.
Just like I always did.
"Just like I always did."
You... ha ha! No, no, no.
You get a bar stool, right? You set it up right nice and close, just like this, and every now and then, you slip me a mug of brew.
Come on! It'll be just like it used to be.
Come on. I know how you feel, man.
You had this wild, crazy dream, and you announced it to everybody, and you didn't live up to it, but come on.
These people out there love you.
They're your friends.
They don't care. Come on. Ha ha!
All right.
All right, all right.
I guess it probably meant more to me than it does to them, anyway, huh?
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, maybe you ought to...
Oh.
Yeah.
A toast to the man who south pacific natives are probably calling "the great tan beast," an inspiration to us all...
Norm Peterson.
[Everyone toasts]
The uh... The sofa opens out to a bed there.
Good. And laundry day is...
Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday.
I have never cheated on anything in my life.
The integrity of Diane chambers remains unblemished.
Ha ha!
Excuse me. Could we chat for just a second?
Trust me, trust me.
These people are your friends, man. Just listen.
To Paul Gauguin, Robert Louis Stevenson, and norm Peterson...
Three men cut from the same cloth.
Although they had to use a few more yards for our pal norm.
Yay, norm. Norm!
Yeah. Norm is quite a guy, isn't he?
You know, I don't...
I don't think he had to sail the south pacific to make us admire and respect him.
He did for me.
It was the only worthwhile thing he ever did in an otherwise wasted life.
Come on, come on. I'm serious.
I mean, if norm hadn't gone to bora bora, I don't think we would have thought any less of him.
Do you?
You kidding? Of course we would, Sam.
Definitely.
Sam, what are you talking about?
It's hypothetical, but just suppose that norm had spent the last three weeks in a motel some place and that he'd sent those letters before the ship sailed and gave them to some fella to mail when he got to the islands.
We wouldn't think any the less of him, now, would we?
That yellow-belly is in your office, isn't he?
No. Don't be silly.
If he's not, he's not going to mind me doing this!
No!
Swell bunch of friends I have here!
That's the last you're going to see of norm Peterson!
Normie! You yellow-belly!
You got guys showing your face around here! Come out here!
Hey, come on, lay off, will you?
The guy feels terrible.
Yeah?
Yeah, welcome back, buddy!
He's afraid that you're going to laugh at him because he chickened out.
Norman?
Everyone has had a dream that they let slip away.
Norm: Yeah, but not one everyone knew about.
Would you like to know about mine?
Not particularly, no.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a ballerina. I had...
Oh...
I had years of private lessons, but when the time finally came to audition for the Juilliard school, with my first step, I fell down and bloodied my nose.
And before I could do anything else, they politely said, "thank you very much," and I never heard from them again.
Thank you very much.
Ok. Diane, very good, dear.
Thank you, thank you.
Norm?
Normie, do you want to hear a crazy, hopeless dream?
I wanted to play baseball and maybe coach a little, you know, and then afterwards, tend bar in a nice place, and look what happened to me!
Coach.
That's exactly what happened to you.
Oh, yeah.
No wonder I'm such a happy guy.
Good try, coach. Good try.
Norm, has any of this helped you?
Oh, yeah. I'm doing a jig in here, Sam.
Go away!
All right. Clear the decks.
It's up to me.
Normie? It's your best buddy.
Go away, frank.
Even in pain, he can make us smile.
Norm, you know it's cliffie.
And I, too, once had a dream, norm.
No... no, more than a dream, really.
It was an all-consuming passion.
I wanted to be a trapeze artist.
A trapeze artist?
Like in a circus?
No, like in your finer restaurants, Sam.
When I was a lad, I went to see the movie trapeze with Burt Lancaster and Tony Curtis.
No kidding! Did you sit between them?
Sam: Coach.
I must've seen it 20 times.
I always imagined myself up there with them, high above the center ring.
The spotlight shines upon me.
Sweat glistens from my body.
Below me, the women's eyes glaze over with lust.
The men, they grind their teeth with envy.
I lunge at the bar with almost an insane daring, flying through the air, completing one, two, three...
Oh, my god, four somersaults!
The first quadruple in the history of the big top, norm.
But I became a postal carrier, and the rest is history.
No, norm...
Having a dream isn't stupid.
It's not having them that's stupid.
What's stupid is the picture of you in one of those outfits!
Ha ha ha!
[All laughing]
I'd like to take issue with this.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Stop laughing at my pal here, all right?
This man had the only dream that was more ridiculous than mine.
Oh, yeah?
A lot more, I might add.
Is that right, Marco rolo?
Ha ha ha!
I've got to buy a drink here for the great cliffini.
Oh! Next round is on me for ferdinand majelly-belly.
Listen to the flying rear-enda.
Ohh! Is that right, Christopher columbutt?