Can I have some suds there, coach, please?
Coach: Yeah.
So, uh, normie, how's it going?
You got Vera pregnant yet?
Not yet.
What's going on there, norm?
It's been a few months. I'm getting a little disappointed here.
Cliffie, I'm doing my darnedest, all right?
Anything to get Vera off my back.
Your back?
Norm, I think I see a little problem with your technique.
Coach, could I have a pencil and a rather large piece of paper, please?
Norm: All right, look.
Anyone see where Roscoe hit a homer last night?
Ooh, what a fluke, huh? A relief pitcher.
Unbelievable, huh?
Sammy, what kind of hitter were you?
Uh, I remember hitting .211 one year.
In your dreams.
Coach, one scotch rocks, please.
Yeah, Sammy, I don't think you hit above .150.
Wait, wait, wait.
I got 20 bucks says he did, big guy.
Whoo-hoo, you're on, sucker.
Kiss that Andrew Jackson good-bye.
It is beyond me why the two of you insist on making a contest out of the most meaningless issues.
Whoa. No, no, no. On the contrary there, Diane.
We also address ourselves to some of the most vital and meaningful issues of our times.
For instance, if Southeast Asia were to be obliterated by a nuclear att*ck, norm here would have to push a peanut up boylston street with his nose.
Yeah, but only as far as the corner, cliffie.
Come on, peace.
♪ Makin' your way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got
♪ takin' a break from all your worries
♪ wouldn't you like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be where you can see
♪ our troubles are all the same
♪ you wanna be where everbody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people know people are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ♪
Hi, is this, uh, pequod?
Well, this is Sam Malone here.
Yeah, I'd like to make reservations for 2 in one of your cozier rooms for the weekend.
All right. That's great. Yeah I'll see you Friday night late.
Sam, I happened to hear you mention the pequod.
Yeah. That's right.
That wouldn't be that charming little inn that you and I went to last fall?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't think. This is gonna bother you, isn't it?
Oh, of course not.
Whatever you do now is your own concern.
Take a different woman there every night of the week.
Actually, it's easier to have them meet me there.
Oh, this is gonna bug you...
Me going there with somebody else, isn't it?
Not at all.
Yeah, this is bugging the hell out of you.
I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what.
I'll go some place else. I understand.
Don't be ridiculous.
It doesn't bug me, as you so eloquently put it.
Oh, yeah? Tell me this.
Would you, uh... Would you take frasier there?
As a matter of fact, frasier and I have been to several places that you and I frequented.
It's so refreshing to go to a museum with someone who doesn't slide across the marble floors in their stockinged feet.
Hey, those paintings look a lot better if you go by fast.
Anyway, listen, I'll make sure that they don't put me in the same room at the pequod.
I could care less.
Room number 12.
Hey, you know that was a great room... 12.
Do you remember when that noreaster blew through and we had to stay inside by that big old fireplace?
Yeah. We listened to the wind lashing against the panes, the rain on the roof.
Yeah, huddled under that big comforter.
I never felt safer.
Coach: Me, either.
You weren't there, coach.
Oh. I thought you meant now.
Sam, please go.
Have a good time.
Just don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Gee, I'm afraid I've lost that list.
Hey, I remember you.
You're that blonde waitress.
And you're Carla's incredibly loathsome ex-husband.
How do you like that? We're both stuck in each other's minds.
Sit down. You want anything?
Thank you. I'll have a coke.
Be sophisticated. We're in a bar.
Coca-Cola.
No, no.
Order some kind of drink.
I'd like something in a coconut.
You are something in a coconut.
2 scotches.
Hey, Nick.
This is a surprise.
How you doing, Sam?
You dumped Carla by now, right?
Well, we're no longer going together, but Carla dumped me.
She dumped you?
Mm-hmm.
Sam, you boggle me.
Well, wait a second.
I did dump that blonde waitress there.
Nick!
What the hell do you want?
Hey!
Is that the kind of hello I deserve?!
No. Bend over, and I'll give it to you.
I gotta talk to you.
I would have come by the house, but I didn't want Loretta to see my humble beginnings.
I need a simple favor.
Unless it's setting your eyebrows on fire, forget it.
They used to drive you crazy.
Yeah, yeah.
I came 'cause I want a kid.
Shouldn't you be baking your biscuits in blondie's oven now?
I'm talking about one of ours.
I'm talking about the fruit of my loins.
Uh, would you guys like to step into my office so you can have a little privacy?
No.
Please.
What's this about, huh?
As you know, I am now married to a goddess compared to you... Loretta.
But she's physically unable to have any kids, as this is breaking her heart plus I don't want anyone thinking I'm not doing my job, I figured I'd just take one of our old ones.
You want me to give you and that twinkie one of my children?!
Product of my seed!
Hey, hey! Please. Please!
Look, Nick, this is outrageous, even for you.
What's the big deal? You got five.
Carla, don't let this recidivist strong arm you.
There is no bond greater than that of mother and child.
He's talking of your babies...
The issue of your womb.
Oh, would anyone mind if I went into my office?
Carla, see reason.
Oh, look, why don't you take out an ad in the paper?
You never really know what the kid's gonna look like, but I can't believe that you'd be fussy.
I want my own. I don't want somebody else's.
Mind your own businesses.
Carla, didn't think you'd be so cold hearted, but since you are, I've no choice but to do what I'm trying to avoid at all costs.
What, breathe though your nose?
No!
I'm taking you to court.
Hey, you can't do that.
Oh, no?
I happen to have an attorney, Carla, and he reassures me that I've got a good case.
In fact, he thinks I can get all 5 kids and you as a maid.
I'm letting you off easy.
Sam: Hey, Tom, you're a lawyer, right?
Can he do this?
Well, Sam, family law is not my specialty here. However...
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on there, Oliver Wendell homely.
Exactly what is your specialty, blowing the bar exam?
Hey, I'm gonna pass it this time, wise guy.
Don't you worry about it.
Yeah, yeah. I'm not worried.
You've taken it in every state in new england.
Look, Carla, you're talking to a man here who thinks affidavit is a Jewish wine.
Now... if he knows anything, he knows more than you.
Thank you, Carla.
Finish what you were saying there, Tom.
Norm: Yeah, yeah, we can't wait.
Actually, Carla, uh, there's a good chance he could get custody here if he can prove that you're an unfit mother.
Thank you, counselor, and who do you think they're gonna pick?
Me, a sincere, hard-working family man, or you, a hard-up waitress who leaves her kids night after night to come to a sleazy bar, huh?!
Hey, hey. Watch it.
Yeah. She's off Thursday nights.
I can also prove that you consort with men of questionable character.
What are you talking about?
You got the morals of a sewer rat.
Not to worry. If you knew your law, you would have read up on a little thing in the bill of rights called a double standard.
Yeah, watch the bureaucrats take that away from us, too.
You're bluffing.
Court costs money, you know, and unless the TV repair business has increased dramatically, you make diddly.
You know, every time you open your mouth, you show your ignorance.
It so happens that the tortelli television hospital has just come off a record-breaking quarter.
I'm gonna tell you how good we're doing.
I got 10 men working under me, and 2 of them is American.
Nick, even if I wanted to give you those kids, they wouldn't want to go with you.
The young ones don't know who you are.
The old ones hate your guts.
I don't believe what I'm hearing.
Anthony loves me.
No, he doesn't. He's the oldest.
He's the one who best remembers you walking out on him.
Thinks you're a creep.
He thinks I'm cool.
He calls you a scuzzball!
He didn't learn language like that from me.
He didn't learn anything from you!
[Bell clangs] Hey, hey. Come on.
We're getting complaints from the nuclear testing range next door.
Nick, we're gonna be late for that menudo concert.
Oh, yeah, menudo.
I won the tickets on the radio.
What is it, anyway?
Go to your concert.
You ain't getting no kid of mine.
I know how to cut this short.
Carla, I want to talk to you alone.
Oh, no, no. Forget about it.
I got nothing I want to talk to you about alone.
Just a little chat, Carla...
Between you and I...
Private matters.
Well...
Ok.
Sam, can we use your office?
Why? What secrets can you possibly have left?
No, no, no! Don't answer that.
Just use my office.
Gee, Sam. Carla looked awfully nervous going in there.
Loretta: Who wouldn't be?
Whenever Nick gets a woman alone, he can wrap them around his little finger.
Well, Carla's a pretty tough little nut.
I think it'll take more persuasion than Nick can muster to break the primordial bond between a mother and her firstborn offspring.
Honey, the kid is ours! Loretta: Daddy!
We're a family now.
Let's go stuff our faces until we get sick.
Loretta: Sounds good.
What are you all looking at?
Never seen a jellyfish before?
Normie, normie, normie, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but Sam's batting average never went past .149.
There it is right in the stat book.
.149... for... That's right, you know, and I don't want to be the kind of guy who rubs it in, so just let me say ♪ ha-ha ha-ha-ha
huh? Yeah? Well, I have a little bad news for you, cliffie.
It so happens that I made a side bet with the coach that if you won, you'd be obnoxious, so I come out even.
Hey, troops. I'm back.
What? What's so funny?
Normie just lost a bundle to cliffie on a bet.
Yeah, but the coach just lost a bundle to me.
But the funniest thing is, Sam, is that the whole thing was based on the fact that you couldn't hit a baseball to save your life.
You know what's even funnier than that, Sam?
What?
Cliffie spends 30 bucks on a book to win a $20 bet.
Yeah? Yeah? Well, you lent me the money, and you know I'm never gonna pay you back.
Oh! You get out...
You know, the way you positively revel in each other's defeats is totally reprehensible.
Are you ever as pleased with each other's good fortune?
Who's had any?
Boy, I tell you it's good to be home.
How was the pequod, Sam?
Pequod? Oh, yes.
Was it everything you remembered it to be?
Come on, Diane. Why torment yourself?
So you really went, huh?
Yeah. Of course I did.
Did you enjoy the fruit basket that frasier and I sent to your room?
The fruit basket?
Yes, the fruit basket.
The fruit basket.
The fruit basket.
Yeah. Ok. Ok, yeah.
We loved the fruit basket.
We didn't send a fruit basket.
Damn! I knew it!
Sam, your heart wouldn't let you go to that place with another woman.
I find that very sweet.
She won that one, didn't she?
Not necessarily... well... I don't know...
Hey, everybody.
Coach: Oh, hi, Carla.
Isn't it a great day?
You know, as I got up this morning and I was feeding my 4... Count 'em... 4 kids, I said to myself, Carla, you are so lucky.
I mean, think of all those poor, miserable human beings who have 5 or more kids instead of just 4 like me.
Carla, you don't even miss this kid at all?
Are you kidding me? I can't even remember his name.
Anthony. My baby!
The one time I remember something.
Diane: Carla...
Upsy-Daisy.
If you felt this way, why on earth did you give that child away?
Because I could never say no to that man.
You know, I never even wanted to go out with him in the first place.
He won me over.
I didn't want to go to bed with him.
He won me over.
I didn't want to marry him. I didn't want to have 5 kids.
Our whole history is me saying no and him winning me over.
You know, like the other day in there.
He held my hand, and he got real close to me, and then he batted those eyelashes at me, and he said, "Carla, you know why I want that kid?"
"Because he is a part of you.
He's the only part of you I have."
Nick said that?
Look, let's not even discuss it.
It's over. The kid is his.
He's coming by today to have me sign the papers.
Damn it, Carla.
If you don't want to sign, don't sign.
I mean, stand up to the guy.
Well, of course I'm gonna resist.
But all I have to do is be alone with him for a second, and I melt.
Then there's one simple solution.
We shan't let you alone with him.
Right, everyone?
All: We shan't.
Nick: Let's get this signed and over with.
Sam: Carla, don't you have something you want to tell Nick?
Uh...
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yes, there is.
I am not signing that paper.
You can't have Anthony.
I don't care what you say.
I don't care what the courts say.
I want my kid back!
Yes!
Nick, I thought you said Carla didn't give a hoot for the kids.
There's a new development.
I can't do this.
What can't you do? What do you have to do?
I just realized that Carla and I are both women...
And I can't do this to her.
I can't be a party to child-stealing.
What? Are you crazy? The kid's as much mine as hers.
I'm sorry. I refuse.
I've got to put my foot down about something.
And when I make up my mind, that's my final decision.
While you're thinking about it, why don't you and I go into Sam's office and have a private talk?
I don't think that's going to work this time, Nick.
Please?
Well... ok, but it's a waste of time.
We'll be right back.
Loretta: Nicky, you can keep talking and talking until you're blue in the face, but it's not gonna change my mind.
You're not gonna sway me...
Carla, sign the paper.
What is this?
Boy, even a sh*t of vitamin Sammy doesn't work that fast.
Carla, sign the paper.
No, I won't.
Sign it! No!
Hang tough, Carla.
Carla, how about you and I, we go into Sam's office and...
Have a private talk?
Don't do it, Carla!
Carla, stay out here with us.
No, I have to go in there with him.
I could break his spell.
( [Office door opens and closes] )
Ok!
Carla's in there facing the greatest crisis of her life.
I want everybody to be quiet for a moment, close your eyes, and send her your most positive mental energy.
Coach: That ought to do it.
I guess it can't hurt.
Ok, now, come on, everyone.
This is important.
1...
2... 3.
Sam: Norman!
Nick: Come on, Carla. Don't be so cold.
I'm a lonely guy.
You're not lonely. You're disgusting.
Fine. Just hear me out on this.
Anthony is the product of our love.
None of that, either.
I've had enough of your sweet talk to last me my whole life.
I just don't want to hear that stuff, Nick.
All right.
Fine.
No more sweet talk.
No more touching.
Right.
How about I just...
Stop it, Nick. Don't give me the look.
No, not the look.
Call me irresponsible... Oh, and the song!
() Oh, the look and the song!
Unreliable call me
I'll get the pen.
Wait a minute. Do that again.
Can't get enough of it, huh?
Nothing.
Nothing?!
Zero.
You should have stopped at your dumb look.
What are you talking about?!
I'm talking about this!
Wow. I'm impressed.
I didn't think you had it in you.
This is the first time you stood up to me.
You resisted my charms.
You win.
Hey, hey. Wait a minute there. Wait a minute.
I know better than that.
Your heart wasn't in it.
You know how much that kid meant to me.
What are you talking about? I did my best.
Maybe I don't have it anymore.
You have more of it now than you ever did.
You just went easy on me.
I busted a gut!
Nick, you went easy on me, didn't you?
Maybe I did...
Maybe I didn't.
Well...
If you did...
Thanks.
And if you didn't...
Take care.
Hey, everybody, I got my kid back!
[Cheering]
()))a)a' ht!
Come on, loret.
Congratulations, Carla.
What's your secret?
She knows when to shut up.
When?
Now! Oh.
I hope today has been a good lesson for you.
I hope it has somehow diffused the notion that you have some magic power you can wield over women to make them bend to your will.
Mr. Tortelli, I find you beneath contempt.
You know, before you're so hard on me, I'd like to tell you something about myself.
What?
Uh... it's confidential.
What? I can't hear what you're saying.
All I can feel is your warm, that is to say your hot...
Breath on my... Oh!