[Radio plays "a foggy day in old London town"]
See, every time I hear "foggy day in old London town", I think of my wife.
Aww. Was that your song, coach?
No, but Sinatra sang that, Sam, and it always reminds me of that movie, "from here to eternity."
Aw, you took her to see that on your first date, huh, coach?
No. That movie reminds me of Hawaii.
Oh. You and your wife met in Hawaii?
No. I've never been to Hawaii, Diane.
Neither has Wally engels.
I'll take it.
Uh, coach, who's Wally engels?
An old pal of mine in the Navy.
He introduced me to my wife.
Oh. Oh. Oh.
Boy, that's some memory you got there, coach.
Yeah, huh, Sam.
[Radio plays "moon river"]
Ah, that song brings back some great memories for me.
Oh, yeah, really? What?
They were playing it the day my daughter got married.
Yeah?
That's all.
We sure get 'em in here, don't we, Sam?
♪ Making your way in the world today ♪
♪ takes everything you've got ♪
♪ taking a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot
♪ wouldn't you like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go ♪
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be where you can see ♪
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people know ♪
♪ people are all the same
♪ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ♪
Hello, Sam.
Hey, Becky.
Boy, long time, no see, huh?
Yeah, I finally got transferred back to Boston.
I really missed this city and a lot of its landmarks.
Speaking of which, when do you get off?
Oh, I don't get off anymore, Becky.
What... what I meant by that was, Diane and I are going together here.
Who?
Oh, I'm sorry. Diane chambers, this is Becky hawley.
Hi, Becky.
Hi, Diane.
Diane and I have been going together now, what, 9, 10 months?
Four.
Eh, whatever.
I'm really glad to see you have such a nice thing going, Sam.
Although I must say, I will miss the fun that we used to have.
Well, I've got something a lot better than fun now.
I got good, solid pleasantness.
You're a real rush yourself.
Yeah.
Oh, I didn't mean to upset anyone.
Oh, Becky, you didn't.
I've come to terms with Sam's past.
It doesn't bother me a bit.
Besides, I'm not the jealous type.
Well, Sam, I guess I'll be seeing you.
Yeah, good to see you again.
You, too.
Hey, why don't you let me walk you to your car, all right?
On second thought, maybe I'll just stand behind the bar here for a while.
I liked her.
Yeah, I'll bet.
Ohh.
Have an accident, Sammy, or are you just glad to see me?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Both, coach.
Two cutty rocks, Sam.
Norm is late again today.
Yeah, I noticed.
It's eating into my beer profits.
I'm gonna have to raise the price of a draft here just to get even.
That'll be $11 there, cliff.
You know, he hasn't been in before 5:00 all week.
You don't suppose norm's finally gotten himself a job, do you?
Nah, nah. If norm had gotten a job, he would have told us all about it.
Gee, I hope he didn't tell me and I forgot.
Nah, I'd remember forgetting something that big.
No, I think cliff's right. If norm got a job, he would've made a big deal about it.
You know...
Yesterday I saw something very disturbing.
The price of peroxide went up?
I was born a blonde.
What were you saying?
Well, on my way here, I saw a fellow who looked very much like Norman sneaking in the back door of melville's kitchen.
Now, he looked so much like Norman, I said hi to him, but he pulled his coat over his face and ran inside.
What would norm be doing in melville's kitchen?
I think Norman's been reduced to taking a job as a bus boy or a dishwasher.
No, no. Norm would never stoop to something like that.
He probably just went in to beg for table scraps, that's all.
Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I just thought of something.
Oh, I thought I heard a clank.
No, about a week ago, norm asked me if a real man would wash dishes.
Oh, norm.
I don't believe it.
It's impossible to escape the conclusion.
I found a way.
Now, look. I'm not gonna believe that my buddy, a professional man like myself, has been reduced to scrubbing pots and pans in a fish house.
I mean, if he had, there'd be telltale signs...
You know, he'd come in reeking like a mackerel.
Get outta here!
Go on, b*at it! Scram! Outta here!
[Cats meowing]
b*at it! Get out of here!
[Meowing]
Go on, get out of here!
Well, that proves it.
He's either washing dishes at melville's, or he's driving a herd of cats to dodge city.
No, Sam, you need at least 200 head for that drive to dodge.
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
Cam I draw you a beer, norm?
No, I know what they look like.
Just pour me one.
Hey, norm, what's with all the cats?
What? Animals like me.
Good, 'cause no human is gonna.
Aww.
Whew. Norm...
You smell like low tide in bridgeport.
Must've been that tuna sandwich I ate.
Oh. What'd you do, eat it or roll in it?
Hey, norm, everything ok? Any luck finding a job?
Let's just drop it, huh?
Ok.
Oh, here, normie. Need a napkin there.
Gee, normie, look at your hands.
They're all red and rough and wrinkled.
Yeah, so's your brain, ok?
Normie, come on.
I'm sorry, coach.
It's ok, norm.
Everybody, look, I'm sorry.
I might as well come clean here.
Please! Please! Please!
I'm washing dishes up at melville's, ok?
The unemployment ran out.
I had to do something.
Here, give me your hands.
This will cut the smell.
Oh, Norman, you must be hopelessly depressed.
Last night I went home so depressed I almost jumped out my window.
So many cats down there, they would have broken the fall.
That, uh... those guys out there is only a scouting party.
Go on, get out of here!
Raaaah!
Norman...
There's dignity in any work.
Now, don't be ashamed of physical labor.
Oh, no, Diane. I know exactly how normie feels.
When I was a youngster, I was a bus boy.
And I'm telling you, the humiliation, the getting ordered around, it's more than a man can take.
Hey, get a beer over here, huh, grandpa?
Yes, sir. Right away.
A dishwasher.
I guess I've sunk about as low as an accountant can sink.
I graduated 30th in my class.
Now I spend my afternoons watching lettuce float.
Norman, I've got it.
You're an accountant.
You should be accounting.
Sam, why don't you put Norman on as your accountant?
Yeah. Yeah, Sam.
Oh, that would be fabulous.
I already have an accountant.
Well, fire him and hire Norman.
That's how it works.
Can I speak to you over here for a minute?
Certainly. Certainly.
What's the matter, Sammy? Don't you think it's a good idea?
Oh, no, you bet. You bet. I just want to tell her in private how much I like it.
Ohh. Looks like Ms. Chambers is going to get a buss on the cheek.
Let's hope it's going at least 80.
No, no, no. Listen, listen, listen.
There are two areas of my life that I don't want anyone to touch.
Now, I've already told you about one of them.
And I didn't.
No, I know. You've been very good about that.
The other area is my business.
Now, I worked very hard to get this bar, and it's been a struggle to keep it.
Now you've got me committed to turning my books over to a dishwasher.
He's not a dishwasher.
He's an accountant, and he's a friend.
Yeah, you're right he's my friend, but how do I know he's a good accountant?
I mean, he hasn't been hired for over a year.
There must be some reason.
Well, that just means he's highly motivated to do a good job.
Besides, you only have to keep him on long enough to help him get his pride back.
Sammy, I don't want to put you on the spot here.
I don't have to be your accountant.
I could always just k*ll myself.
Yeah, yeah. This man has options here, Sam.
Sam, now, it's true, hiring Norman has emotional overtones, but without emotions, the mind becomes a stagnant pond.
And let's fact it, in your case, we're not exactly dealing with whitewater rapids in the first place.
Ok, all right, fine.
I'll put norm on, but just... hey...
Just remember when I have to fire him later on, you're gonna be responsible for him losing what's left of his self-respect.
How can he miss with such a positive attitude?
Norm...
Hey, you're my new accountant.
Hey! All right?
Sammy, I am honored.
Well, yeah.
I want you to know this is one of the great moments of my life, Sammy.
Aw, come on. Give me a break. One of your greatest moments?
Easy, Sam. There have only been two.
I'm aware you're doing this out of pity, Sam, but I want you to know you just you got the best damn accountant around.
Yeah, I'll second that.
What, that he just got the best damn accountant around?
No, that he's doing it out of pity.
[Indistinct]
Whoa, here he is, ladies and gentlemen...
Norm "render unto Caesar that which is zilch" Peterson!
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Diane, a little more coffee, please.
Oh, Norman, I'm proud of you.
Yeah.
When there's a job to be done, you put the beer aside.
That's 'cause I want to do a good job for Sammy there.
Isn't that nice? Yeah.
Isn't that nice, Sam?
How's it... how's it going, norm?
Almost done, Sam.
You're not gonna be disappointed, big buy.
I found a couple things in there, you know.
You're gonna have the best damn tax return that's ever been audited.
Oh, lighten up, will ya? It's a tax joke. Come on.
Boy, Sam, you know, there's a bounce in normie's step I haven't seen in months.
Tonight may be the turning point in that man's life.
He might come out of that office, his job complete...
Who knows, maybe even make amends with Vera...
And start building a new life.
Oh, that would be wonderful.
Then again, he might drink till he passes out with his head in the toilet.
Too close to call, really.
I just hope he's not trying too hard to impress me.
Well, what if he is?
You're helping him out, and he appreciates that.
I just don't like taking chances with the IRS.
I was very satisfied with my old accountant.
Every year I'd pay two, three grand in taxes, I'd pay them, and there'd be no trouble.
That's what I want from norm... No chances, no risks.
Aw, Sam, you just worry too much.
Normie's a great accountant.
How do you know that, coach?
Because my mother always used to say everybody has one thing they're great at.
Yeah, right, and with norm, we've eliminated everything but accountant and great white hunter.
Here we go, Sam.
All done.
How did it come out, norm.
I'll let my return speak for itself.
I'm getting back $15,000?
We make camp here, bwana?
Of course babies can eat pizza.
Just put it in the blender.
Excuse me, do you have a cigarette machine in the back?
Back room.
Thank you, beautiful.
What did you call me?
Beautiful.
Sounded different the first time.
Beautiful.
That was the word.
Good afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norm!
Norman.
How about a beer, norm?
Eh, I'm high on life, coach.
Of course, beer is my life.
Hey, there's my boss man.
How's it going, buddy?
Pretty good. Just waiting for that great big tax refund to come rolling in.
You figure out what you're gonna do with all that loot yet, pal?
Well, I think that some of it should go for something sheer, sexy, and, yes, a little breathtaking for the special someone in his life.
I think you're right.
What are you, an extra-large, norm?
In peignoirs, yes, but I can squeeze into a large Teddy.
Ooh. Heh heh heh!
Wait, wait, wait.
You gotta check these out here.
Ooh!
Aw, hey, lookie there.
Printed matches!
Just spread them around.
"Norm Peterson, incorporated...
An accountancy firm."
Oh, that's very impressive, norm.
Business must be good, huh, normie?
Yeah, coach.
It just took Sammy here having faith in me, and my getting a little faith in myself, and stuff sort of took off.
Bingo!
How many new clients do you have now besides Sam?
Just one other, but I've been hustling a little bit, and I got some nibbles on here.
Which reminds me. Diane! Yeah?
Here's your return.
Oh, thank you.
Ooh, a nice, healthy refund.
I thought you'd like that.
All those psychiatrists' fees were deductible, Diane.
Boy, those daily sessions back in February, whoo, we're talking a gold mine here.
Shut up, Norman. I'm better. I'm better.
Sam...
February was kind of a rough month, wasn't it?
Ok. Ha ha!
Sam, what you've done for Norman is a miracle.
I'm very proud.
It was nothing.
No, don't be modest.
You stood by him when he needed you.
When he told you you were getting $15,000 back, even I blanched.
And money means no more to me than it does to the creatures in the forest or the beasts in the field.
Ooh, Sammy, give me a hand here with this stuff.
[Telephone rings]
Coach, could you get that? Yeah.
[Ring]
Cheers.
Sam, it's for you.
I'm busy, coach. Can you take a message?
Can I take a message? He's busy.
Uh-huh.
Yeah. Right.
Right, right, right.
Sam, that was your accountant, sy.
He said... Oh, bell day! Bell day!
[Inaudible]
And he said your tax returns are ready.
[Clank]
What the hell's going on here, Sam?
What do you mean, about bell day?
Did you send in the return I prepared for you or not?
No, norm. I... I didn't.
Why not?
Well, I probably should have told you this, but I'm... I'm real conservative when it comes to money.
Ok, let me just get this straight here.
You don't trust me and my work, so you had somebody else do your taxes.
It's just... a $15,000 refund scared the hell out of me.
I mean, I've never gotten any kind of refund before at all.
You know why? That accountant you had is a wimp, Sam.
I went through those previous returns.
The guy wouldn't know a deduction if he sat on it!
What are you trying to say, Sammy, that norm pulled a $15,000 boner?
Yeah.
Come on. I was just trying to protect myself.
Any one of you would've done the same thing, right?
Oh, come on. You would, too, and you know it.
Ok, let's just... let's just drop this, all right?
I didn't want norm to do my taxes in the first place, remember?
It just goes to show you shouldn't do business with your friends.
Then you're safe going into business with anybody in this room.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, come on now.
Isn't anybody on my side here?
Listen, all I wanted to do was try to protect my business and not offend norm in the first place.
Sam, I'm standing by you.
I may not agree with you, but I admire your courage.
I know exactly how you feel.
Wait, you do?
Yes. I've had personal experience standing against the majority, resisting the force of public opinion for the sake of personal principle.
Is that right? Like what? What?
Well, my senior year, I fought single-handedly to integrate my sorority.
Hey, you hear this?
What, they wouldn't let blacks in?
Well, it wasn't exactly blacks.
That's really not the point. The point is...
What was it, just some other race?
Well, no.
A religion?
Well, it wasn't exactly a religion.
Well, come on. Who? Who?
[Mumbling]
What? Who wouldn't they let in?
Girls with poorly publicized coming-out parties.
And within a couple of months, they blended right in.
All right, thank you.
I mean, if you don't trust me as an accountant, you don't trust me as a friend.
Come on, stop right there.
Listen, you've got to learn to separate business from friendship.
No, no. The only thing I have to separate is you from my life.
Hey, come on. Listen, if I get into trouble at the IRS, I could go to jail.
And you know what happens to pretty boys when they go to jail.
You know, your... your attitude is unprofessional.
Oh, now I'm unprofessional. Is that it?
Yeah.
You know what you are?
Listen, guys. Don't say anything you'll regret.
You're a back-stabber.
You know something? You are a big baby, Norman.
Hair hat!
Ham hock!
Goose neck! This is fun.
We are not the ones fighting here, spaghetti breath.
You're bad, Malone. B-a-d, you're bad.
You're starting to get on my nerves. You know that?
The truth hurts, huh, Malone?
Oh, my god! Would the two of you listen to yourselves?
Standing there arguing, bickering?
You're making a mockery out of bell day!
Sammy, Sammy, Sammy.
I've just been through the roughest year of my life.
I know that.
The only thing that kept me going was a belief in myself and the hope that someday somebody else would say, "I believe in you, too, norm."
I thought you'd be that guy...
Oh, come on, man. That won't work.
You're trying to lay a guilt trip on me, and I think that stinks.
Fine, I'm outta here. I'm gone for good.
Hey, you better mean it, 'cause I don't want you coming back in here tomorrow thinking this whole thing's gonna blow over.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, as a matter of fact, hey, listen, you go out that door, I don't want you back in my bar again. I mean it.
Ok, fine. You got it.
But before I go, I've got to settle one thing with that man.
Norman, now, wait.
Don't do anything silly, please.
Diane, you'd better stay out of this.
This is part of the male ritual that you don't know anything about.
Coming in, Malone!
Ok, norm, how do you want to do this?
I don't want to go, Sam.
[Sobbing]
Oh, hey. Hey, come on.
I didn't mean...
Aah!
Hey, hey, hey.
Come on. Come on. Listen. Listen.
We're not gonna get anywhere unless you start acting like an adult here, big fella.
Come on.
[Indistinct]
Whoa.
Here. Here. Here.
This bar is all I have, Sam.
You people are my family.
You're my brother.
Oh, well, you're my brother, too, norm.
Oh, Sam...
Norm, hey, you're my accountant.
You mean it, Sam?
Right after this tax season.
I'll take it, but I don't want to beg.
No, no.
So as we see, the roots of physical aggression in the male of the species is found right here in the old DNA molecule itself.
Right up here at about 1:00, as I recall.
Fascinating, cliff.
Oh, yes, Diane. Fascinating.
Hold onto your hat, too, because the very letters "DNA" are an acronym for the words
"dames are not aggressive."
They stand for deoxyribonucleic acid.
Yes, but parse that in the Latin declension, and my point is still moot.
You know, cliff, if it's true that a little knowledge is dangerous, you are a walking time b*mb.
Oh. Thank you, Diane.
Let's talk about the gas turbine engine for a while.
Coach!
Coach, buy my buddy a beer, will ya?
Coming up.
Oh, so you didn't resort to physical v*olence.
Nope. As a matter of fact, I want you all to meet my new accountant.
Yay! All right, norm!
Congratulations, normie.
As it turns out, I've been with the wrong guy for the last 10 years.
Thanks, Sam.
Thank you, norm.
Well, this is such a beautiful moment seeing you two friends reconciled, I could almost cry.
Girls.
Yeah, boy.