Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Excuse me, cutie.
Cutie? Who do you think you're talking to?
Her.
Better be.
Well, as long as you're here.
I ain't here.
What's the matter?
Did we get up on the wrong side of the web this morning?
I hate it when they call me cutie.
Well I do know how you feel, earlier tonight a customer had the effrontery to refer to me as honey.
But that makes sense. Honey is bee barf.
[Snort]
Does that snort mean we were amused?
No, no. Definitely not. That was a snort of disapproval.
♪ Makin' your way in the world today takes everything you've got ♪
♪ takin' a break from all your worries ♪
♪ sure would help a lot
♪ wouldn't you like to get away? ♪
♪ Sometimes you wanna go
♪ where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ and they're always glad you came ♪
♪ you wanna be where you can see
♪ our troubles are all the same ♪
♪ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ♪
♪ you wanna go where people know
♪ people are all the same
♪ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ♪
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm! Norm! Norman!
How's life, norm?
Ask the man who's got one.
Ahh, here's mine now.
Ahh, about that, norm.
Sammy raised the price to the draft.
Hey, I was going to tell him, cliff.
Yeah, but you would have found some way to cushion the blow, Sammy.
Sure, Sam. Why not? It's get norm year.
Join the fun.
Hey, come on. It's only a quarter.
Only a quarter. That's easy for you to say.
Maybe this will change your tune.
Sam, watch it, he's going for his g*n.
It's just my calculator, coach.
I'm going to have to figure out how much I can drink, and still stay within my suds allowance.
What do you got?
I'm going to have to cut back 8.7%.
It comes out to one beer every half hour.
Guess I'm going to have to drink a little more slowly.
Slowing down isn't so bad.
Sam, I've got to tell you you've got one of the cutest cocktail waitresses I've ever seen.
Oh, stop. I'm blushing.
I meant you.
So what.
I'm sorry.
You sure are.
Romance is in the air, Sam.
Oh I guess... I'm a little busy here, but I suppose...
Oh, Sam!
If you could see past your codpiece...
You'd notice that I was referring to that gentleman right over there.
Hank?
Yes. He's been watching Carla all week.
Haven't you seen how he gives her those moony-eyed looks?
It's almost embarrassing. If he were anymore overcome with desire, there would be drool on his chin.
Excuse me. What were you saying?
Well, for whatever reason, he's attracted to Carla, but he doesn't seem to be able to get started.
I think I should help him.
I think you shouldn't.
We'll compromise. I'll help him.
I knew we could work this out.
Excuse me.
I'm Diane chambers.
Hello. Henry zenzola.
Henry, nice to meet you. Do you mind if I sit down for a second?
No. Please.
Henry, I want to put it right on the line.
How do you feel about Carla?
You mean the waitress with the foul mouth, nasty disposition and what looks to be a real mean wallop?
That's the one.
She's the hottest thing walking.
Do you like to get to know her? I think I can arrange it.
You think so?
I've been trying to get to her all week.
She acts like I'm contagious.
Has she actually made any retching noises?
No.
You're in.
I'll be right back.
What a nice person.
Is she always like that?
Uh, yeah. Yeah.
Coach, give me a beer.
Hey, norm your getting a little bit ahead of your one beer/ half hour schedule, aren't you?
No, no, cliff. I'm on London time.
God save the queen.
His name is Henry. He's interested in you.
So what?
I think you should go over and talk to him.
Well, I don't.
Why?
Because if he's interested in me, there's something wrong with him.
Carla, I assure you he's perfectly charming.
I think he's kind of attractive, too, don't you?
Yeah, as cue balls go, he's a looker.
Don't ask me why, but for some reason, any guy who I'm interested in or who's interested in me always turns out to have something very seriously wrong with him.
Carla, I can see why you think that, but you have to stop feeling that your undesirable.
Are you kidding?
I'm too desirable.
I'm a vermin magnet.
Come on, Carla. This guy's not like that.
He's attractive, charming, intelligent, well-dressed, and opposites attract, so go for him.
Yeah, Carla. He's always talking about the sox.
He probably knows yaz personally.
Yaz.
Yaz.
Yeah?
Ok. I'll talk to him.
Oh, goody.
Just long enough to find out what's wrong with this loser.
I like a person with an open mind. Huh?
You Hank?
Yeah. How do you do?
Shut up and answer a few questions.
First of all, where did you come from all of a sudden?
I never saw you in here before.
I don't really get out that much.
He's married.
No. No. Carla. I'm single.
You ever been married?
No.
Gay as a goose.
No. No.
Carla.
What?
I like women.
Some women very much.
Hooker bait!
Carla...
I don't mind being put through my paces.
In fact, uh, I'm always one to enjoy a good game.
I hope this one gets better.
Yeah. Yeah. This proves nothing.
He's great, and it's k*lling you.
I admit he's tough, but I'll cr*ck him.
Come on. We're going for a cup of coffee on you.
Fine.
Sam, I'm taking a break.
You got a criminal record?
No.
Any mental illness in the family?
Artificial body parts?
No.
Okay. Open your mouth.
So who's the greatest matchmaker in the world?
Yeah, yeah.
Come on. Say it, Sam.
I'm not going to say it.
Well, come on, Sam. You've got to admit Carla and Hank have been an item ever since they went out to dinner.
Oh, I hate to see that.
You think Carla's making a mistake there, norm?
No. I just had my last beer of the 20th century.
Hi, everybody.
Hey! Hey!
We just came from the game.
We k*lled the oilers, 28-3.
Whoa!
And Hank has the greatest season seats.
Yeah. Spitting distance from the visitors' bench.
Listen, Hank. Thanks a lot.
I had a great time.
Yeah, I had a great time, too, Carla.
You want to meet later for a light supper?
I'm sorry. I forgot to tell you before.
We're through. b*at it.
Carla.
What did you find wrong with him?
Nothing.
Well, then...
Look, I do not want to talk about it.
I want to be left alone.
Sam, what do you need from your office?
Nothing.
I'll go see if you have any.
What happened?
I don't know.
We were getting along so great.
Hank, sit down.
Coach, pour him a beer.
I'm going to go see if Carla needs help finding that nothing.
Hey, Hank.
You know, when I'm really kind of depressed, I usually like to buy a beer for a friend who's a little behind on his beer budget.
Well, I'm not really feeling all that depressed.
You're not?
I mean, you fall really hard for this girl.
You think you got her where you want her.
Then all of a sudden, bang! She cuts you off at the kneecaps in front of a room full...
Set him up.
Thank you. This'll help... This is going to help.
I want to be alone, Sam.
I'll only be a second.
I've got something very important to do in there.
I have to fix the... Immediately.
Ok. All right. All right.
What are you doing here, Sam?
I just wanted to come in and see if you wanted to talk. That's all.
I don't.
Ok.
Look, Sam.
This guy is perfect in every other way.
The only thing left is that he must be lousy in bed.
Who needs it?
You know, from over here it seems like you're just afraid to go with this.
Being vulnerable.
Vulnerable?
It's just a word I picked up somewhere.
The only thing I'm scared of is that if I go to bed with him, he's going to be so crazed with desire, I'll never get rid of him.
Aah, Carla. That's not what you're afraid of you're afraid that you're going to fall for this guy.
No. I'm not going to fall for this guy.
I've already fallen for this guy.
Aha. And now you're afraid he's going to turn into a jerk, right?
No, smart guy, he's already a jerk.
Why is he a jerk?
Because he's dishonest.
Why is he dishonest?
Because he's hiding the fact that he's a jerk.
Who's jerking who here?
Come on, Carla. You know, you always say you're so tough.
You talk tough, you act tough.
You're not tough. Tough guys take chances.
You're a chicken.
Don't ever call me that.
Aha. Aha. That's what you are, Carla. You're a chicken.
Bok! Bok! Bok! Bok!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
I want to go with you.
You have been cruising on your looks for too long buddy.
I'm not going to fight with you.
Yeah you are. Yeah you are. Let's go.
Ooh!
Hey, Carla, come on. You're half my size.
Ow! Come on. That's dirty.
Yeow!
Nobody calls me chicken.
I'll show you. I'm going to go out there. I'm going to be so vulnerable.
I'm going to open myself up to happiness like a banshee.
Hey, Sam. Could I have the night off?
Ow!
Thanks.
Feel better now?
Yeah, I thought so.
Hi.
Hi.
Want to go to my place?
You bet.
We can't. My kids are there.
How about your place?
I told you, I'm staying with a friend until my apartment's ready.
Diane, give me the keys to your place.
I will not.
Hey. You're the matchmaker.
You want this thing to work out, or you want it to end up with a broken heart and a broken lip?
Enjoy.
Thank you.
And Carla when you're done, just burn the place.
Come on.
Carla, you just made me the happiest man on earth.
Just wait.
Sam.
Sam!
What happened? Are you all right?
Don't worry. Don't worry.
She didn't hurt any of the good stuff.
Romance in this bar is kind of an inspiration. You know, uh, you, Diane. Carla, Hank, there.
Seeing you all makes me kind of think think that somewhere out there there's somebody for me.
There are those that would disagree, I guess.
I'm sorry, cliff.
Just a picture came to mind of you in the sack.
I see your mailbag draped over a chair next to your gabardines.
Yeah? Yeah?
That's as far as I wanted to look.
Wait a minute. I agree with cliff.
Cheers is a romantic bar.
I mean, you take even a poor guy like Hank, with his terrible problem, he comes in here, he can get a girl.
Coach, what terrible problem?
Well, I'm sorry. I can't talk about it.
Hank told me not to.
Coach, this could be kind of important.
Can you give us a hint or something?
A hint. Ok. I got one, uh...
Lefty Kramer.
Lefty Kramer, the old third baseman?
Right. Lefty has the same problem that Hank has.
Hank can't hit a breaking pitch?
Oh, yeah. Poor Carla, huh?
Yeah. She'll be crushed.
Go on. Keep thinking.
Think. What problem did lefty have?
Well, he was ugly as a mud fence.
I remember that. He was a bad dresser.
He used to spit tobacco juice all over him.
Ha ha ha he was great.
Could we forget lefty?
What's wrong with Hank, coach?
Wait a minute. Wait a minute, I got it.
Coach, lefty had a heart problem.
That's it.
Hank has the same thing.
I mean, the least bit of excitement, wham, bam, it's curtains.
Coach, how about sex?
Diane, please. I thought you were Sam's girl.
No.
Coach, I'm talking about Hank.
Hank is seeing Carla. Are you listening to this?
Coach. Coach, what she's trying to say is, is Hank in any danger with Carla tonight?
No. No. Not at all.
Not at all... Unless he gets over excited about something.
Oh! Oh, Sam... We've got to stop them!
Wait. Wait. Hank wouldn't have gone with Carla if he thought it was risky right?
Oh, come on.
Yeah. Yeah.
We've got to stop them.
We've got to warn Carla, at least.
I mean my god... I mean what a shock if the guy were to drop dead in Carla's own bed oh, god. She's in my apartment.
You're kidding.
Well, that's the last time I let bedroom.
What?
Call! Just call!
Well what? Come on!
What am I suppose to say?
I don't know. Tell her to look on the next pillow, and count the dead people.
Norman!
Just ask her if everything's all right.
All right. All right.
The line's busy.
Oh, yeah. Maybe she's calling an ambulance, huh?
Cliff, now stop it.
We don't have to jump to conclusions.
A lot of people when they're having a romantic evening they... they take the phone off the hook, they don't want anything to interupt their intimacies.
How come we never did that?
I might miss an important call.
Will you go over there please, and see what's happening?
You're right. Coach, stay on the line, here.
You know, it's all my fault. I practically pushed them into this.
I'm going, too. I brought them together in the first place.
Yeah, well, I'll go with you. I now cpr.
I'll go. I'm a cpa.
No. No. No. No. Guys stay here. Stay here. I can handle this.
If we need you, I'll call you.
Oh, please god, let Hank be all right.
Stop!
Oh, no.
I wonder if we're too late.
Well, there's only one way to find out.
No, no, Sam.
We can't just burst in on them.
That's a gaucherie.
Besides, we might actually... See them.
Well, what were we planning to do?
Um... let's make loud noises to draw their attention.
Ahem.
Ahem, ahem.
Fire! Fire!
No, Sam, you'll startle him.
Oh my god, I hope I didn't blow it.
Sam, that's so disgusting.
Can you hear anything?
Not a thing.
Isn't that funny? I thought Carla would be the type to make noises.
Hello there.
Ooh, ooh. They're just starting.
What the hell's going on here?
You see...
We, uh, we thought you were in there.
Were you looking for pointers?
We saw the wine glasses.
We had a drink here and decided to go out for something to eat.
So you didn't actually...
Let's pretend for a minute it's any of your business.
No, we didn't.
Why here? Is there something wrong?
Uh, Hank, I'm sorry for intruding, but coach said something about you having a heart condition.
Oh, did he?
Did he make a mistake?
No, he's right.
I have a serious problem.
You do?
He also said that any exertion would be very dangerous for you.
And so we thought we'd catch you before you and Carla...
Exerted.
Yeah.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Are you trying to tell me you could've d*ed?
Carla, I...
Yeah, it could've happened.
Sex is ok for most people with heart problems, I'm just one of those rare cases that makes it chancy.
Maybe if we didn't get too wild.
Are you kidding?
I've almost k*lled off guys with good pumps.
Carla...
Carla, will you just forget...
Would you butt out!
Now I am not going to forget this of all the rotten things that guys have done to me, this is the rottenest.
My instincts were right.
I should've told you I just didn't want to spoil it.
Spoil it?
Oh I would've felt great waking up tomorrow with a stiff next to me.
Well, at least, you wouldn't have had to feed him breakfast.
Hank...
Why would you take such a risk?
How could I not?
Carla, I've been so careful for so long.
And then I met you, and I just didn't care.
The more I got to know you the more I wanted to take the risk.
Wow.
You're nuts.
I just got so carried away, I didn't stop to think what it might do to you.
I don't know what to think about all of this.
I guess I better leave.
No. Hey, Hank, couldn't you and Carla just be good friends?
Real good friends?
No. I don't want to be just friends with Carla.
It'd drive me crazy to be so close to you and not touch you.
Hear that, bean pole?
Carla, I'm sorry I disappointed you.
Wait, wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I just thought of something.
In a way, I think maybe you and I were perfect together.
See... we never had an argument. Right?
Not a harsh word.
No one looking in another direction.
Yes. It was like an incredibly delicate flower.
It doesn't matter how long it lasts...
Hey, whitey, this is my moment here.
I'm sorry.
In a way, Hank...
I'll always remember you as the best lover I ever had.
Carla...
Good-bye.
Oh, Carla.
Well, now I've seen past your little masquerade.
And there's a bond between us that can never be broken.
I'm going to capture my feelings now while they're fresh, and put them on the pages of my diary.
Oh, wait, Diane.
Right here. We were laughing about it at dinner.