O.k...
sh*t of bourbon, beer chaser, bloody Mary without tabasco, bloody Mary with extra tabasco, coffee, cream, sugar, sweet 'n' low, c.c. Water back, pretzels, pitcher of water, with three glasses!
Those are our drinks.
I'm terribly sorry.
I don't suppose I could impose upon you people to save me a few steps and...
Thank you.
Really. Thanks so much.
Free pretzels for everybody.
Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name
and they're always glad you came you want to be where you can see our troubles are all the same you want to go where everybody knows your name.
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm!
Norman.
Beer, norm?
I remember that stuff.
Better give me a tall one, in case I like it.
Another day, another dollar, huh, norm?
50 cents after taxes.
Hey, norm.
Hey, girl.
How's the kids?
Two of them are ugly, one's obnoxious, and one's just stupid.
He's my favorite.
Get me Gus.
Yes, sir. Right away.
Uh...
Gus who?
Listen, don't be a wise guy. Just get him!
All right. Yes, sir.
Norm, do you know a Gus?
Gus who?
He hates that question.
Gus... the owner of this bar!
Oh, I know who you mean.
Yeah, that was two owners ago.
Never forget that guy because he had such a great name.
Gus.
I came all the way from Seattle just to talk to him.
Gus is the man.
You got troubles, you take them to Gus.
He straightens you up just like that.
Take it easy, will you?
Uh, listen...
I managed in the minors.
I coached in the majors.
I've been a bartender for five years.
I've had my share of people with problems.
Why don't you give me a try?
Last semester, my son comes home from college with his new fiancé, who's black.
And your son's not?
Psst! Yo, coach!
Get Gus.
I'll make a few calls.
Give me a scotch. I'll be right back.
Oh!
What's the matter, norm?
Somebody, pinch me!
I got to be hallucinating!
Look at those legs!
If those legs are attached to anything, even a truck, I'm going to marry it.
Oh, please come down here.
Please come down here.
She's coming down here!
All right, everybody. Just act natural.
This I got to see.
I don't believe this.
I feel like I've been transported in time back to a fraternity house in the fifties.
Come on, guys...
In this day and age, aren't we a little beyond ogling women?
Holy...
Norm, is that the one?
Hi.
Hi.
Excuse me, miss...
The gentleman at the other end of the bar would like to buy you an automobile.
May I help you?
Uh, white wine, please.
White wine.
Allow me!
Whoa! I got it, I got it, I got it.
Thank you very much.
You're very welcome.
Don't get your hopes up, boys.
Soon as Sam comes out here, it's dinner for two at his place.
Oh, come on.
I hardly think that's the sort of woman Sam would go out with.
She may not be flashy enough for Sammy.
They had Sammy in mind when they built her.
Really?
I don't buy that.
Now, I know I've only worked here a short time, but seems to me Sam has more depth than that.
Follow me.
Sam, would you come out here for a second?
Carla, never disturb me.
Unless there's a customer.
No, no, no, no.
Don't drink that.
I've got something much better.
I think you're going to like this.
It's, uh, an amusing little wine.
You like to laugh.
I love to laugh.
How did you know?
Call it a hunch.
The great ones make it look so easy.
You think there's a chance that could you and I go some place and laugh together?
My mother told me to watch out for guys in bars.
Well then let's get out of this bar so you don't have to worry.
I do feel like a movie tonight.
You know, I've been in the mood for a movie all day long.
Mmm.
What kind of movie shall we see?
Does anybody know any good movies?
What's the name of that new Australian film that's supposed to be so good?
No. No Australian films.
I hate subtitles.
Ha ha!
Uh, this one's no problem. It's dubbed.
Will you excuse me just for a minute?
Diane, can I talk to you in the poolroom, please?
Sure.
I'll be right back.
What's your name?
Brandee.
Oh.
With two es.
Ha ha ha ha!
O.k., what was that all about?
What was what all about?
All that laughing and stuff.
I love to laugh.
Diane, can we have a couple beers here?
Oh, coming right up.
No, not right now.
Sam, we're thirsty.
Drink chalk.
Sam, I didn't mean anything by that.
I laughed.
Life is funny.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I get the impression that you don't approve of brandee.
Uh, is that Brandy with a "y" or two es?
You know, I may just be the dim, ex-baseball player and you're the postgraduate, but I'm the boss and I didn't hire you as a critic.
I hired you as a waitress.
You'd never know it by me.
Now, come on.
Why don't you just be honest with me?
You think brandee's dumb.
I don't think anything of the kind.
Oh, come on.
To you, brandee's just a one-night woman, built for cheap laughs, wild times, and easy sex.
Where? Where?
Will you just admit it? Come on.
Hey Sam, I got a message.
Your date, miss big buckets...
She told me to to tell you she's getting a little...
Ootsy.
Get her out of there, Sam!
The customers are warping the wood with their drool.
Diane, come here. Listen.
Sam, wait a minute.
Now, I don't mean to criticize.
In a way, I was complimenting you.
I think you can do better.
I don't want to do better.
You see, Diane, there are certain things in this life that I really like.
And nobody's going to change my mind about them.
You see, I like fun women, hot dogs, game shows.
And I don't care what anybody says about them.
Did you read where they found rat parts in hot dogs?
I like rat parts.
It's my favorite part of the hot dog.
O.k.
I'll tell you one more thing I like...
I like brandee.
You know, I sensed something very special going on there, so if you'll excuse me, that special somebody is waiting for me.
Fine.
Coach...
Yeah?
Where's brandee?
She just left with some guy.
She what?
Looked like the real thing, Sam.
If I see one sign that you're enjoying this, you're in a lot of trouble.
How about a couple of beers for the boys in the poolroom?
O.k.
Another beer, norm?
Uh, yeah. One quick one, and then it's adios for sure.
Hey, coach...
Any word from Gus yet?
Yeah, Leo.
Uh, he can't drop by tonight.
He's dead.
Oh, no.
Nobody can replace Gus.
Gus had all the answers.
All but one.
What am I going to do without Gus?
Now, Leo, will you stop it?
Ever since you came through that door, it's been Gus, Gus, Gus.
It's been Gus this, and Gus that, and I'm fed up with it!
I'm taking you on, Leo.
You and all your problems.
Now, come on, sit down.
I don't know...
Sit, Leo!
Sit!
Lay your problems on the bar, come on.
Come on, Leo!
He's ready for you!
Nothing to be afraid of.
Last semester, my son comes home from college with his new fiancé, who's black.
I been thinking about that.
And it's a tough one, but I think I got it.
Yeah, well, wait a minute because there's more.
No, Leo. Hold it, Leo.
Leo, it's a problem of communication.
Here's what you do.
When you get home, you sit the kids down, and you say to your boy...
What's your boy's name?
Ron.
Uh, Ron...
What's Ron's fiancé's name?
Rick.
Rick.
Rick and Ron?
Suck it up, coachie!
Hang tough in there!
Come on, you can tell him!
Uh, well, Leo, uh...
Leo, if you're that unhappy about it, just throw him out and tell him you never want to see him again.
I can't do that.
I love the kid.
Oh.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
You do? What?
If I can't accept the kid the way he is, I'll lose him.
Boy, that's good.
When you put it that way, what choice do I have?
Thanks, coach.
You know, you're not Gus, but you're not bad.
Leo, even Gus isn't Gus anymore.
Thanks, coach.
All right, coach!
Coach, you really took him.
Took him? I had him for breakfast.
Hey, coach, where's Sammy?
Where else?
Not again.
He's been out with different beautiful Dolly every night this week he's overcompensating for feelings of inadequacy with an ostentatious display of hormonal activity.
That's our Sammy!
Let me tell you something, normie.
There are serious drawbacks to dating beautiful women.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Like what?
Like you can't eat Italian, 'cause they're always on diets.
You can't go outside 'cause the wind will muss their hair.
And you can't go to hockey games
'cause they might get hit in the face with a puck!
You know, I can't stay long.
One drink.
The man's got a harem.
You all know Debra?
Hi, Debbie!
Hi, guys.
Diane, this is Debra.
Debra, this is Diane.
Hi. Hi.
Debra.
What are you drinking?
A very dry Martini.
Oh, that's a very classy order.
Diane, we're going to have a very dry Martini.
Nothing for me.
We just got back from symphony hall.
Heard Mozart's symphony number 41.
Sometimes known as the Jupiter symphony.
Debra's idea.
Well, I haven't heard a lot of classical music, but I like it.
What was that comment you made at intermission?
"Give me a cigarette"?
No, not that one. The smart one...
The one about the music.
Oh, yeah!
I said it's hard to believe that all that music could come out of one man's head.
One man's head.
I heard.
Where else would it come out of?
You know, I read in the program that Mozart d*ed when he was 35.
Imagine writing all of that music before you're 35.
Slow down, Debra. You're giving us too much to think about.
Oh...
I have got to be going somewhere.
Just as well.
Our heads are spinning.
Oh, wait. Debra, you forgot your program.
Thank you.
I love Mozart, too.
This program's two years old.
Is it?
Yes.
Oh.
Well, then, Mozart must've been 37 years old when he d*ed.
I didn't say we came straight from the concert.
O.k., o.K. We went to see star wars again, and I'm glad.
How'd I do?
Well, just think.
Don't.
Fine.
I'm going to play pool.
Carla... you've, uh, known Sam a long time.
Has he ever had a lasting relationship with a really intelligent woman?
That's the best I've seen.
I'm going to go back there and talk to him.
"Blond chick dies in billiard accident."
May I speak with you for a moment?
No.
I came in to cheer you up a little.
Look, I think I know why you brought Debra here.
You're trying to prove you date smart women.
No, I brought Debra here for a drink.
This is a bar.
Oh, come on.
No, it's a bar...
Is this a bar?
Oh, yeah! Oh, come on.
You bet, Sam!
Excuse me.
I sense that you're a little unhappy right now.
Unhappy? I'm not unhappy.
Hey, I'm on top of the world.
What a life I lead.
Tomorrow night, I'm going out with a girl who wears a pinwheel hat.
Would you stop making jokes and talk to me?
O.k., I'm all cheered up now.
You can leave. Thanks.
Why are you so upset?
You know, this week I have gone out with all the women I know.
I mean, all the women I really enjoyed.
And all of a sudden, all I can think about is how stupid they are.
I mean, my life isn't fun anymore.
And it's because of you.
Because of me?
Yeah.
You're a snob.
A snob?
Yeah, that's right.
Well, you're a rapidly aging adolescent.
I would rather be that than a snob.
Then I would rather be a snob.
Well, good, because you are.
Sam, do yourself a favor.
Go back to your tootsies and your rat parts.
I'd hate to see the bowling alleys close on my account.
Hey, wait a minute!
Are you saying that I'm too dumb to date smart women?
I'm saying that it would be very difficult for you.
A really intelligent woman would see your line of b.S. A mile away.
You think so?
Uh-huh.
Yeah, well, you know...
I've never met an intelligent woman that I'd want to date.
On behalf of the intelligent women around the world, may I just say... Whew!
Well, come on. Come on.
Wait, wait, wait.
It all depends what kind you're talking about.
Just the average kind.
O.k., you take your average whale's intestines and stretch 'em out, you're looking at... 3 miles and change.
You win again, coach.
This man knows his animal kingdom.
Ooh. Getting late.
Just about time this old cowpoke moseyed off to the bathroom.
Black label over, bloody Mary, sh*t of vodka.
Hey...
Uh... look. I am sorry.
I said a lot of stupid things I shouldn't have.
I apologize.
I was kind of upset.
O.k. I'm sorry, too.
We both got a little carried away.
Especially you.
Well, I'll be darned.
What?
Nothing. I just, uh... noticed something.
What?
Well, I guess I've, uh, I've never looked into your eyes.
Something wrong with them?
No, I, uh...
Just don't think I've ever seen eyes that color before.
Matter of fact, I don't think I've ever seen that color before.
Yes, I have. Yes, I have.
Where?
I was, uh...
I was on a ski weekend up at stowe.
I was coming in late one day...
The last person off the slope.
The sun had just gone down, and the sky became this incredible color.
I usually don't notice things like that.
And I found myself kind of walking around in the cold, hoping that it wouldn't change, wishing that I had somebody there to share it with me.
Afterwards, I tried to convince myself that I'd imagined that color, that... I hadn't really seen it, that nothing on this earth could be that beautiful.
Now I see I was wrong.
Wouldn't work, huh?
What?
An intelligent woman would see right through that.
Oh.
Oh!
In a minute.
Damn.